FireSprite

This kid has really turned a big maturity corner this last year, even though she's always been advanced in that area throughout life. At 3, we pondered, how does she understand sarcasm & irony so well, already??

Something also seriously changed in her following the hurricane & the uptick of serious-topic conversations we've had. Some of them revolve around the state of our lives but also a lot of really normal early-teenaged stuff for her like school, her future, friends, dating, etc.

I shared a couple of months ago about my FOO issues ramping up again & culminating in my going NC with my sister, then my mother in April & May. In talking about it with a counselor & DD, she had a Aha Moment & picked up her phone, said that regardless of what was going on with us adults, she still intended to maintain a relationship with her cousins. YAY DD - go! The fact that it was impacting the kids from their side has been the only part of this holding me in negative space - everyone else is an adult that can lie in the bed they made. Old thread here -

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rigin-fog.html (FOO (family of origin) FOG)

It was days leading into niece's graduation & we had no details because the last I'd talked with my sister about it ahead of all the drama, she didn't know any specifics & then never got back to me. (at the same time, she asked DD to babysit nephew over the summer but has since ignored that she ever suggested such a thing & I told DD to stop expecting the call that won't come.) Historically, my niece does not handle this kind of stuff so throwing it in her lap to mediate between us at such a big, personal moment seems so wrong to me. For all intents & purposes my DD while younger, has always been more mature & forward thinking. My niece is very much a young codie & it hurts to watch sometimes.

DD had a lot of events going on for her own promotion/awards ceremony at school & we were holding off on highlighting it in order to give my niece her big moment. DD feels very blessed with all that she has achieved & the opportunities she's received & just wanted to let niece have her moment in the spotlight.... but seriously, this kid won so many awards that they doubled up presenting them to keep her from having to walk the stage over & over & over. She loves niece tremendously & sees more clearly than anyone she suffers from low self esteem, so any chance she has to help her celebrate herself, she does.

One of the reasons we've been LC with sister for a while now is because DD has vocalized her dislike of sister's BF & how he speaks to niece. Understanding her own hula hoop in this situation meant limiting her exposure to such behavior & I back her 1000% in this. This is how I walk my talk for her - when I examined the concerns she brought to my Open Door, she was right.

The kids worked out getting us tickets but graduation was a straight debacle that resulted in NC with my mother. Mortifying public drama.

A couple of weeks ago DD was chatting with niece & they asked my sister to make time to teach them some hair braid tricks & she blew them off in the way adults do - yeah, yeah, yeah. I was sorry for her that she let a golden opportunity pass by - what a great chance to say, sure - let's do that on Sunday or next week... and stay involved where it truly matters. Her bitterness spills over & burns like acid onto all that it touches instead.

When I got home from work a couple of days ago, DD was on a video chat with niece & younger nephew. She coordinated them joining her activities the next day which included my BFF who was another of the people caught up in the FOO storm that is my sister right now. They had a lovely day together (BFF was thrilled, she loves those kids) & when I got home, my nephew was there with DD & my husband, watching TV & waiting for niece to pick him up. So I grabbed pizza & we all joked & laughed for a few. Gave niece her graduation card/cash ~finally~ & made her day because she was flat broke & in need of money to take a trip the next morning for job interviews.

I did end up talking with my mother briefly just to keep her from having a freaking stroke & I waited until I could restate everything again in a controlled & non-combative way & still reinforce LC/NC until I'm ready on my terms for anything beyond that.

I'm out of ways to say the same stuff. None of my changes happened overnight. I cannot even begin to trace for you, all the steps I chained together to get from 6-7 years ago to now. Not only can I not clearly remember every part of my journey so well, I don't WANT to - that's the equivalent of holding on to what doesn't serve me. Once I cross a hurdle I don't seek to continually revisit it & self-inflict more harm.

All of this maturity on DD's part is just making my sister's skin crawl, I can feel it. They believe it's wrong of me to allow her to have an opinion/voice to the extent that I do but every sign I receive says I'm on the RIGHT PATH with her - the path that leads to breaking hurtful patterns & developing healthy, life-affirming ones instead. Especially at such a critical point in life when she needs to be able to trust her judgment of all kinds of new people in her world.

She's having lunch with my mother, niece & nephew next week before she leaves for her big trip & I could not be more proud of how she is showing the adults how #Adulting is done.

Keep talking to your kids, in age appropriate ways & find ways to say the hard stuff to yourself if nothing else. These conversations are the up-layering of that onion we talk about in recovery, we aren't ripping down into layers with our children, we're building them up.

These talks are part of how we can weave good in with allllll that we can't control from the other sides of their life experiences. It's the best trust-building you can ask for. We can choose to either add to their brokenness or choose a golden thread to weave together what we can, when we can & hope that later, when darkness overwhelms them, it helps to double as a lifeline back to themselves.

(**cough** don't forget your oxygen mask 1st** cough**)

trailmix

This just makes sense. I think, often, parents make all the decisions for their children and keep them seen but not heard.

Then they turn 18 and wander off to try and interpret and apply whatever it is they have learned.

Why not let them make decisions and find their way while having the safety of a parent to back them up and catch them if needed.

Thanks for sharing all this FireSprite.

hopeful4

Thank you for sharing this.

I have been in a tough spot with my my oldest child for a bit. We are counseling together again, which is good. Problem is I can see this carrying over to my younger child, and that's not good. It's hard to talk about b/c I cannot pin point an exact problem, just that things seem off.

I am going to just try my very best, and try to keep the communications open. That is all I know to do right now.

Thanks again for reminding me of how important that is friend!