Four weeks and feeling down
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Four weeks and feeling down
It's been four weeks since we last saw each other and tonight I'm really feeling down. I feel so isolated right now. Friends have taken sides and, not surprisingly, those who found him the funny drunk (not the abusive and violent drunk that he was at home) have ceased contact with me. I don't know what I expected of them, maybe just a call or a text to see how I am doing or if I'm okay? Maybe my expectations are too high? I do not regret getting a protection order or calling the local police because without that, I would still be in an abusive relationship with a violent alcoholic.
I know that there is so much to sort out. I have been keeping myself busy around the house and doing my best to keep my mind occupied, it's just that tonight things feel very raw again and my "aloneness" is overwhelming. That's really it. I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for reading.
I know that there is so much to sort out. I have been keeping myself busy around the house and doing my best to keep my mind occupied, it's just that tonight things feel very raw again and my "aloneness" is overwhelming. That's really it. I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for reading.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I had to rebuild my life with new people, new places, new things to do and new support around me.
Emotional abuse and alcoholism in my life really messed with my perceptions. I'm glad to be healing.
Thanks for reaching out and posting. It seems like you're doing some really good things for yourself.
Do you have any support through Alanon, therapy or counseling?
Emotional abuse and alcoholism in my life really messed with my perceptions. I'm glad to be healing.
Thanks for reaching out and posting. It seems like you're doing some really good things for yourself.
Do you have any support through Alanon, therapy or counseling?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
I do go to therapy and it helps somewhat. Mostly we work on the fear aspect; so much violence happened in this house and it's hard for me to live here, but I have to live here right now because there is no where else to go. So much of my life got blended in with his, including the friends I made and kept, and now that's gone. I'm safe and thankful for that, but at the same time I'm also very alone. Thanks for the response.
Originally Posted by Mango212 
I had to rebuild my life with new people, new places, new things to do and new support around me.
Emotional abuse and alcoholism in my life really messed with my perceptions. I'm glad to be healing.
Thanks for reaching out and posting. It seems like you're doing some really good things for yourself.
Do you have any support through Alanon, therapy or counseling?
Emotional abuse and alcoholism in my life really messed with my perceptions. I'm glad to be healing.
Thanks for reaching out and posting. It seems like you're doing some really good things for yourself.
Do you have any support through Alanon, therapy or counseling?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Leelee168,
These are some profound feelings you're experiencing.
(((((((hugs)))))) you're not alone. And what you've done is very brave and wise. Doesn't make it easy by any stretch.
Glad you're here and glad you have a therapist. I have found in my darkest hours that writing, sobbing loudly, getting out in nature especially near water, and doing something nice just for me, helps a little bit. When I am in such a huge process of change, I think about the caterpillar, it must be a struggle to transform from a crawling thing into something as different as a flying butterfly. So I trust the process and push through.
Sending you a shot of courage.
Peace,
B
These are some profound feelings you're experiencing.
(((((((hugs)))))) you're not alone. And what you've done is very brave and wise. Doesn't make it easy by any stretch.
Glad you're here and glad you have a therapist. I have found in my darkest hours that writing, sobbing loudly, getting out in nature especially near water, and doing something nice just for me, helps a little bit. When I am in such a huge process of change, I think about the caterpillar, it must be a struggle to transform from a crawling thing into something as different as a flying butterfly. So I trust the process and push through.
Sending you a shot of courage.
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 23
So sorry that you are hurting today Leelee. Your expectations are definitely not too high! You deserve a partner who is kind and caring - not one who was an abusive alcoholic. I know it must feel especially painful to have your mutual friends be absent.
You're not alone - I also am feeling it again today after being able to distract myself throughout the week. I hope writing made you feel better.
You're not alone - I also am feeling it again today after being able to distract myself throughout the week. I hope writing made you feel better.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Leelee,
I wanted to say, and welcome to f & f. I do know how lonely you can feel. I remember when I would feel lonely when my ex wasn't there, but then when he was there, I felt even lonelier. See, when he was there, he was drunk and either raging at me, or not speaking to me at all. I walked on eggshells all the time. I would hope that he would be sleeping if I walked around somewhere to get something, and that I wouldn't wake him so that he could rage some more.
I wrote up a pros and cons list about being lonely. I really did find out that I felt lonelier when he was around. He wasn't a partner. He was someone who sat in a dark room with the TV on and the sound off, just waiting to hear a sound from me so that he could pounce on that. When he wasn't around, there was no one there, but I could actually move around the house and walk into any room that I wanted to.
I also isolated myself. I was told that no one liked me, and I just hid in my house. I am now away from that. Almost 8 years divorced, and I found many good friends. Give yourself some time. You need time to heal. Also, please post here as often as you need to. We care about you.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I wanted to say, and welcome to f & f. I do know how lonely you can feel. I remember when I would feel lonely when my ex wasn't there, but then when he was there, I felt even lonelier. See, when he was there, he was drunk and either raging at me, or not speaking to me at all. I walked on eggshells all the time. I would hope that he would be sleeping if I walked around somewhere to get something, and that I wouldn't wake him so that he could rage some more.
I wrote up a pros and cons list about being lonely. I really did find out that I felt lonelier when he was around. He wasn't a partner. He was someone who sat in a dark room with the TV on and the sound off, just waiting to hear a sound from me so that he could pounce on that. When he wasn't around, there was no one there, but I could actually move around the house and walk into any room that I wanted to.
I also isolated myself. I was told that no one liked me, and I just hid in my house. I am now away from that. Almost 8 years divorced, and I found many good friends. Give yourself some time. You need time to heal. Also, please post here as often as you need to. We care about you.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Amy, this sounds kind of familiar to me, too. In one of his rages last year, he told me that none of "our" friends liked me and they only put up with me because of him. I took that to heart, even though one of them said that it wasn't true. I had traveled with one of the women in our group, several times, for girls' weekends away and she kept wanting to go back again. It was so confusing.
When he sat in the dark with the TV on I knew there was a rage coming on. It was only a matter of time until doors and cabinets started slamming. Only a matter of time until he came at me.
Thanks for writing; it meant a lot to read your words and see the familiar in them.
When he sat in the dark with the TV on I knew there was a rage coming on. It was only a matter of time until doors and cabinets started slamming. Only a matter of time until he came at me.
Thanks for writing; it meant a lot to read your words and see the familiar in them.
Originally Posted by amy55
Hi Leelee,
I wanted to say, and welcome to f & f. I do know how lonely you can feel. I remember when I would feel lonely when my ex wasn't there, but then when he was there, I felt even lonelier. See, when he was there, he was drunk and either raging at me, or not speaking to me at all. I walked on eggshells all the time. I would hope that he would be sleeping if I walked around somewhere to get something, and that I wouldn't wake him so that he could rage some more.
I wrote up a pros and cons list about being lonely. I really did find out that I felt lonelier when he was around. He wasn't a partner. He was someone who sat in a dark room with the TV on and the sound off, just waiting to hear a sound from me so that he could pounce on that. When he wasn't around, there was no one there, but I could actually move around the house and walk into any room that I wanted to.
I also isolated myself. I was told that no one liked me, and I just hid in my house. I am now away from that. Almost 8 years divorced, and I found many good friends. Give yourself some time. You need time to heal. Also, please post here as often as you need to. We care about you.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I wanted to say, and welcome to f & f. I do know how lonely you can feel. I remember when I would feel lonely when my ex wasn't there, but then when he was there, I felt even lonelier. See, when he was there, he was drunk and either raging at me, or not speaking to me at all. I walked on eggshells all the time. I would hope that he would be sleeping if I walked around somewhere to get something, and that I wouldn't wake him so that he could rage some more.
I wrote up a pros and cons list about being lonely. I really did find out that I felt lonelier when he was around. He wasn't a partner. He was someone who sat in a dark room with the TV on and the sound off, just waiting to hear a sound from me so that he could pounce on that. When he wasn't around, there was no one there, but I could actually move around the house and walk into any room that I wanted to.
I also isolated myself. I was told that no one liked me, and I just hid in my house. I am now away from that. Almost 8 years divorced, and I found many good friends. Give yourself some time. You need time to heal. Also, please post here as often as you need to. We care about you.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Originally Posted by Leelee168
Amy, this sounds kind of familiar to me, too. In one of his rages last year, he told me that none of "our" friends liked me and they only put up with me because of him. I took that to heart, even though one of them said that it wasn't true. I had traveled with one of the women in our group, several times, for girls' weekends away and she kept wanting to go back again. It was so confusing.
Whether that is something about the way you look, talk, walk or whether other people like you.
Now can you imagine a good friend saying that to you, say your best friend? No. Well if they did it would be so out of character your jaw would drop. With an abusive person it's so hurtful and yet it's coming from someone you had or have feelings for.
Point being, why would you believe anything he says. I know it's hard to kind of separate that stuff but believe in yourself and what you know. Your example of always being invited out for the girls weekend is a FACT. The other stuff is just him trying to hurt your feelings.
You seem like a nice person! Please know what you know and don't let his petty remarks play in your head.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Leelee168
It's been four weeks since we last saw each other and tonight I'm really feeling down. I feel so isolated right now. Friends have taken sides and, not surprisingly, those who found him the funny drunk (not the abusive and violent drunk that he was at home) have ceased contact with me. I don't know what I expected of them, maybe just a call or a text to see how I am doing or if I'm okay? Maybe my expectations are too high? I do not regret getting a protection order or calling the local police because without that, I would still be in an abusive relationship with a violent alcoholic.
I know that there is so much to sort out. I have been keeping myself busy around the house and doing my best to keep my mind occupied, it's just that tonight things feel very raw again and my "aloneness" is overwhelming. That's really it. I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for reading.
I know that there is so much to sort out. I have been keeping myself busy around the house and doing my best to keep my mind occupied, it's just that tonight things feel very raw again and my "aloneness" is overwhelming. That's really it. I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for reading.
I have no friends to speak to and my family live in another country. I’ve found a lot of nice people and support through sober recovery and you have lots of super support here. It’s helping me with a simple “well done” or “your doing great”! You will be alright. Your not married to this man are you? If not then you have the freedom to get on with your life. You are brave and those people not calling or texting you??? Forget them! They aren’t your true friends. X
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Leelee,
There are many ways to cleanse a space. Having an open heart and setting an intent welcomes a new, fresh energy.
I find it helpful to find something to be deeply grateful for within the space. That feeling can resonate beyond trauma memories.
I'm a professional cook. I rarely burned anything for the longest time. Since I've been healing from trauma, it's been a fairly common thing for me to burn something I'm cooking. Not purposely. Just happens. And I'm able to open my heart to the cleansing of the space I'm in. To see humor and have gratitude.
I find music and fresh air to be very cleansing.
There are many ways to cleanse a space. Having an open heart and setting an intent welcomes a new, fresh energy.
SMUDGING
In many ancient cultures, including Native American traditions, herbs were burned in the ritual cleansing of a physical space, objects or individuals. By burning certain herbs in a space, the smoke generated attaches itself to the negative energy and as the smoke dissipates, so does the negative energy.
People often cleanse their space after difficult events, when communication problems seem to be arising, when their feeling down or depressed, during times of meditation or other ritual. Smudging is also excellent to practice prior to a gathering or ritual or as people arrive and before commencing a ritual or celebration. This leads to open minds and hearts and the eradication of any lingering negativity.
There are several herbs used commonly in “smudge sticks” or “smudge wands.” In such a stick or wand, the herbs are bundled together and often tied with string. In ancient native American traditions, special smudge bowls were used but now, most smudging herbs come in wants or sticks that are easy to use. Common smudging herbs include:
- Sage, including White Sage
- Cedar and other Pine derivatives
- Lavender – for calming
- Osha Root
- Sweet Grass
- Mugwort
How to Smudge
Have a positive intention, light the herb bundle and then blow out the flame which allows the herbs to smolder and smoke without actively burning.
If you are cleansing a space, walk around the room or rooms slowly and focus on cleansing and clearing negative energy. You should focus on corners, behind doors and make sure you also smudge closets.
SIMPLE SPACE CLEANSING, WITH OR WITHOUT SMUDGE
You don’t have to smudge to successfully clear or cleanse a space. The most important aspect of any cleansing ritual is to restore balance, whether energetically or in the more mundane physical sense.
The first step in successfully cleansing a space is to really clean it. This means to remove clutter, dust and any residual build up of actual dirt, dust or trash. Then you will continue with ritual cleansing, which can be done with smudge, as discussed above, fresh clean air, candles, water or music. Many people use whatever methods that speaks to them the most.
Once the space has been cleared, using a bell, a singing bowl or your own voice and rhythm will solidify the clean energy.
In many ancient cultures, including Native American traditions, herbs were burned in the ritual cleansing of a physical space, objects or individuals. By burning certain herbs in a space, the smoke generated attaches itself to the negative energy and as the smoke dissipates, so does the negative energy.
People often cleanse their space after difficult events, when communication problems seem to be arising, when their feeling down or depressed, during times of meditation or other ritual. Smudging is also excellent to practice prior to a gathering or ritual or as people arrive and before commencing a ritual or celebration. This leads to open minds and hearts and the eradication of any lingering negativity.
There are several herbs used commonly in “smudge sticks” or “smudge wands.” In such a stick or wand, the herbs are bundled together and often tied with string. In ancient native American traditions, special smudge bowls were used but now, most smudging herbs come in wants or sticks that are easy to use. Common smudging herbs include:
- Sage, including White Sage
- Cedar and other Pine derivatives
- Lavender – for calming
- Osha Root
- Sweet Grass
- Mugwort
How to Smudge
Have a positive intention, light the herb bundle and then blow out the flame which allows the herbs to smolder and smoke without actively burning.
If you are cleansing a space, walk around the room or rooms slowly and focus on cleansing and clearing negative energy. You should focus on corners, behind doors and make sure you also smudge closets.
SIMPLE SPACE CLEANSING, WITH OR WITHOUT SMUDGE
You don’t have to smudge to successfully clear or cleanse a space. The most important aspect of any cleansing ritual is to restore balance, whether energetically or in the more mundane physical sense.
The first step in successfully cleansing a space is to really clean it. This means to remove clutter, dust and any residual build up of actual dirt, dust or trash. Then you will continue with ritual cleansing, which can be done with smudge, as discussed above, fresh clean air, candles, water or music. Many people use whatever methods that speaks to them the most.
Once the space has been cleared, using a bell, a singing bowl or your own voice and rhythm will solidify the clean energy.
I'm a professional cook. I rarely burned anything for the longest time. Since I've been healing from trauma, it's been a fairly common thing for me to burn something I'm cooking. Not purposely. Just happens. And I'm able to open my heart to the cleansing of the space I'm in. To see humor and have gratitude.
I find music and fresh air to be very cleansing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Leelee168
Amy, this sounds kind of familiar to me, too. In one of his rages last year, he told me that none of "our" friends liked me and they only put up with me because of him. I took that to heart, even though one of them said that it wasn't true. I had traveled with one of the women in our group, several times, for girls' weekends away and she kept wanting to go back again. It was so confusing.
When he sat in the dark with the TV on I knew there was a rage coming on. It was only a matter of time until doors and cabinets started slamming. Only a matter of time until he came at me.
Thanks for writing; it meant a lot to read your words and see the familiar in them.
When he sat in the dark with the TV on I knew there was a rage coming on. It was only a matter of time until doors and cabinets started slamming. Only a matter of time until he came at me.
Thanks for writing; it meant a lot to read your words and see the familiar in them.
I have noticed that a commonality in addicts seems to be the belief that they can tell how people "really" feel (which always turns out to be the way they would like those people to feel). I got the "our friends don't like you" line, (as well as the "[insert random female name here] is quite attracted to me" line, which was interesting). It's part of undermining the non-addicted partner's understanding of reality - you become slowly convinced that what you perceive or know isn't real, because he has some sort of superior knowledge or insight that you lack.
Of course it's confusing - your experience of reality is being contradicted by his version of reality. I think your confusion is actually a healthy sign, it means you hadn't bought in completely to believing whatever he tells you.
I learned that nothing an alcoholic says about a third party can be trusted. If you don't have independent confirmation that his/your friends don't like you, I would not put any stock in what he says.
I expect some of your couple-friends will drop you once the divorce becomes public, but others will come out of the background to support you, and you will end up with closer, more authentic relationships with a new group of important people in your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
I'm going through the same stuggles you are. I still live with my guy, but I actively detach myself from him and will not go out in public with him because he is an Alcoholic and has many times disrespected me in front of our friends. I feel completely alone. And now the odd girl out of the friends. As they all think he is charming , but don't know the nightmare lifestyle we live at home. Even though I have confided in a few of them , I can almost see them viewing me as the party downer.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 25
Moments of sadness and loneliness are normal. Please remember you are strong. You took the steps to get your life back, that took a huge amount of strength and courage. Be proud of yourself. Whoever has decided to leave your life doesn’t deserve you. I too lost some friends and family for leaving. What I did again was a large amount of my old friends back in my life. The support I have received from my longtime friends (we hadn’t really been in touch with either) has been endless. They knew the old me and have been helping me find her again. No matter what you’re never alone with this amazing support group. I’m so proud of you.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
So this is a common thing in addiction? The addict telling you how everyone else hates you? My almost ex used to tell me that his parents hate me. I was like what? Why? So I did more to please them 😂😂 that was my disease. Wow this disease of alcoholism just keeps leaving me speechless over and over
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