Wondering if it’s all in my head (or is this denial?) ...
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
As Turquoise (and smallbutmighty) said, is his drinking a problem for you. I think that is always the place to start.
Partner drinks a lot. He or she doesn't think it's a problem, quite content with the 20-30 drinks a week. The question is, do you think it's a problem, that's the only thing that matters really. If you are quite content with him being drunk a lot, then no problem! Of course the fact that you are here asking indicates you aren't comfortable with it.
Is he an alcoholic? Only he can determine that. Is 30 drinks a lot - yes! It's easy to get used to things like this when you are around it a lot, but that's a lot of alcohol! Imagine your life drinking 30 drinks a week.
The whole, has things to do and then has a bottle of wine open which you then assume has just been open - reeks of a set up.
The bar does have better service for alcohol. To get a drink all you have to do is nod at the bartender, if you even have to do that, normally they are right there asking if you would like another drink before you have finished your last (is this how it is where you go?). That doesn't happen at a table. The server strolls by periodically and you probably have to ask for another drink.
As for the weight, depends. Many problem drinkers eat very little, alcohol is making up those calories. Many problem drinkers are malnourished (without going in to detail this can happen even if they are eating a lot or normally).
Partner drinks a lot. He or she doesn't think it's a problem, quite content with the 20-30 drinks a week. The question is, do you think it's a problem, that's the only thing that matters really. If you are quite content with him being drunk a lot, then no problem! Of course the fact that you are here asking indicates you aren't comfortable with it.
Is he an alcoholic? Only he can determine that. Is 30 drinks a lot - yes! It's easy to get used to things like this when you are around it a lot, but that's a lot of alcohol! Imagine your life drinking 30 drinks a week.
The whole, has things to do and then has a bottle of wine open which you then assume has just been open - reeks of a set up.
The bar does have better service for alcohol. To get a drink all you have to do is nod at the bartender, if you even have to do that, normally they are right there asking if you would like another drink before you have finished your last (is this how it is where you go?). That doesn't happen at a table. The server strolls by periodically and you probably have to ask for another drink.
As for the weight, depends. Many problem drinkers eat very little, alcohol is making up those calories. Many problem drinkers are malnourished (without going in to detail this can happen even if they are eating a lot or normally).
Trailmix, regarding eating at the bar, I never thought of it that way. Perhaps he is too impatient to wait for a drink from the server at a table.
Also glad to hear your take on the “having stuff to do” but then also having a bottle open when I get there. I know I can be naive about these kind of things which is why I find myself asking for outside opinions!
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I don't think you're naive. You just listed quite clearly several facts that are not in line with what you want in your relationship.
I'd say you are thinking clearly.
You may not know this though: You won't be able to change him. What you see is what you get right now. Alcoholism is a progressive illness, too. It will get worse if he doesn't quit completely.
I am an alcoholic in recovery and he's ticking the boxes.
I'd say you are thinking clearly.
You may not know this though: You won't be able to change him. What you see is what you get right now. Alcoholism is a progressive illness, too. It will get worse if he doesn't quit completely.
I am an alcoholic in recovery and he's ticking the boxes.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
as dandy said, i have yet to see a newcomer post here about their concerns about their partner's drinking and have them turn out to be unfounded.
if his drinking wasn't a problem, you wouldn't be googling "is he drinking too much??".
i wonder if it's possible he's also using drugs....i recall you said he'd pull disappearing acts, sometimes for a full weekend. the mood swings, the "sudden" irritability, the never really being THERE.
but bottom line......is this really the kind of relationship you want? with all this guessing, second guessing, never getting what you want, often being made to feel less than or unimportant? is that something we should WILLINGLY sign up for???
if his drinking wasn't a problem, you wouldn't be googling "is he drinking too much??".
i wonder if it's possible he's also using drugs....i recall you said he'd pull disappearing acts, sometimes for a full weekend. the mood swings, the "sudden" irritability, the never really being THERE.
but bottom line......is this really the kind of relationship you want? with all this guessing, second guessing, never getting what you want, often being made to feel less than or unimportant? is that something we should WILLINGLY sign up for???
Hi AnvilheadII, I’ve asked myself the same before about the drugs (albeit jokingly) because his moods seems to shift with the weather. I’d be shocked if he actually were, but then again I’m pretty shocked I’m in this situation now. Who he was at the beginning of our relationship and who he presents himself to be publicly (in his work, with family and friends) are very different. And then of course he’s not always irritable and moody even with me - there are many times where he’s sweet, loving and fun to be with which is why it’s hard to walk away. I keep thinking, “what if this is just an ‘episode’ of some sort? I don’t want to leave prematurely ...”
Btw, he does have really bad insomnia and takes 2-3 (that I know of) 50mg capsules of Benadryl every night to sleep after having had lots of alcohol. Not sure if that’s significant info or not
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I don't think you're naive. You just listed quite clearly several facts that are not in line with what you want in your relationship.
I'd say you are thinking clearly.
You may not know this though: You won't be able to change him. What you see is what you get right now. Alcoholism is a progressive illness, too. It will get worse if he doesn't quit completely.
I am an alcoholic in recovery and he's ticking the boxes.
I'd say you are thinking clearly.
You may not know this though: You won't be able to change him. What you see is what you get right now. Alcoholism is a progressive illness, too. It will get worse if he doesn't quit completely.
I am an alcoholic in recovery and he's ticking the boxes.
Thank you for sharing your advice. The accepting he has a problem I can’t change is my hardest challenge right now as I decide what to do. I wonder if this is just an episode and don’t want to walk away too soon. What if I do and then he turns around and is that great guy I fell in love with, but for someone else because I let him go?
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
Hi Biminiblue,
Thank you for sharing your advice. The accepting he has a problem I can’t change is my hardest challenge right now as I decide what to do. I wonder if this is just an episode and don’t want to walk away too soon. What if I do and then he turns around and is that great guy I fell in love with, but for someone else because I let him go?
Thank you for sharing your advice. The accepting he has a problem I can’t change is my hardest challenge right now as I decide what to do. I wonder if this is just an episode and don’t want to walk away too soon. What if I do and then he turns around and is that great guy I fell in love with, but for someone else because I let him go?
Oh, yeah. Every person ever who had to break up with someone due to some dealbreaker behavior.
Bottom line is: Can you live with how he is right now?
If you're going to be with someone, you take them as they are.
At some point it is either enough or it isn't. Do you want to get married some day (to someone, please not this guy)? Or is this just a "for right now" thing?
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
What if I do and then he turns around and is that great guy I fell in love with, but for someone else because I let him go?
Your first thread made it pretty clear. He was attempting to change his life 180 degrees and that did not work for him, he has now gone back to his same old ways.
Perhaps that great guy is just lurking, entirely possible. Few posting on this board hooked up with some guy/woman who was 100 percent of the time an ass.
I'm sure you've read the threads, if you do get back together with him be prepared for the roller coaster ride.
If nothing else, in your original thread where he went through withdrawal and you had to stay with him during (what turned out to be) his non-dry January attempt, indicates he is addicted to alcohol, for sure.
So yes, some day he may find recovery from alcohol. A month from now, a year, 10 years - 20, can't say, he can't even say. Are you prepared to put up with the treatment you have been receiving for an indeterminate amount of time to see?
He has made it very, very clear that he wants to do his own thing, ie: drink. Can you accept that? What is your future plan, do you want to have a family? Is this the man you can trust with your future children? Is a drunk Dad ok?
I think maybe those are some of the questions to ask. Take some of the focus off him and what you might "lose" - what do YOU want and what might you lose by staying in this relationship?
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In regards to emotional abuse:
The good times are the "reeling in". Keeping the target hooked.
The cycles of being kind and nice are very much a power play. It's a way of saying "don't tell". Don't tell others I was a jerk. Don't look at the mean things I do. See how nice I'm being here? Don't tell yourself you deserve more than this.
The good times are the "reeling in". Keeping the target hooked.
The cycles of being kind and nice are very much a power play. It's a way of saying "don't tell". Don't tell others I was a jerk. Don't look at the mean things I do. See how nice I'm being here? Don't tell yourself you deserve more than this.
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Just a quick note about the open bottle of wine when you get there...
My "supposedly sober", AXH used to be waiting at the door for me when I got home from work, handing me glass of wine so that I could "just sit and relax after a hard days work" ...it didn't matter that I had asked him many, many times not to tempt himself by buying wine for me, I didn't need it!!! Yet there it was, way too often... turns out it wasn't so much about taking care of his work battered wife as it was about covering up the smell of alcohol on his own ( supposed to be sober) breath.
The open wine bottle is a decoy.
My "supposedly sober", AXH used to be waiting at the door for me when I got home from work, handing me glass of wine so that I could "just sit and relax after a hard days work" ...it didn't matter that I had asked him many, many times not to tempt himself by buying wine for me, I didn't need it!!! Yet there it was, way too often... turns out it wasn't so much about taking care of his work battered wife as it was about covering up the smell of alcohol on his own ( supposed to be sober) breath.
The open wine bottle is a decoy.
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Just a quick note about the open bottle of wine when you get there...
My "supposedly sober", AXH used to be waiting at the door for me when I got home from work, handing me glass of wine so that I could "just sit and relax after a hard days work" ...it didn't matter that I had asked him many, many times not to tempt himself by buying wine for me, I didn't need it!!! Yet there it was, way too often... turns out it wasn't so much about taking care of his work battered wife as it was about covering up the smell of alcohol on his own ( supposed to be sober) breath.
The open wine bottle is a decoy.
My "supposedly sober", AXH used to be waiting at the door for me when I got home from work, handing me glass of wine so that I could "just sit and relax after a hard days work" ...it didn't matter that I had asked him many, many times not to tempt himself by buying wine for me, I didn't need it!!! Yet there it was, way too often... turns out it wasn't so much about taking care of his work battered wife as it was about covering up the smell of alcohol on his own ( supposed to be sober) breath.
The open wine bottle is a decoy.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Honestly and this is just my opinion for what it's worth, he is an alcoholic and if you stay with him that is what you are signing up for.
Your first thread made it pretty clear. He was attempting to change his life 180 degrees and that did not work for him, he has now gone back to his same old ways.
Perhaps that great guy is just lurking, entirely possible. Few posting on this board hooked up with some guy/woman who was 100 percent of the time an ass.
I'm sure you've read the threads, if you do get back together with him be prepared for the roller coaster ride.
If nothing else, in your original thread where he went through withdrawal and you had to stay with him during (what turned out to be) his non-dry January attempt, indicates he is addicted to alcohol, for sure.
So yes, some day he may find recovery from alcohol. A month from now, a year, 10 years - 20, can't say, he can't even say. Are you prepared to put up with the treatment you have been receiving for an indeterminate amount of time to see?
He has made it very, very clear that he wants to do his own thing, ie: drink. Can you accept that? What is your future plan, do you want to have a family? Is this the man you can trust with your future children? Is a drunk Dad ok?
I think maybe those are some of the questions to ask. Take some of the focus off him and what you might "lose" - what do YOU want and what might you lose by staying in this relationship?
Your first thread made it pretty clear. He was attempting to change his life 180 degrees and that did not work for him, he has now gone back to his same old ways.
Perhaps that great guy is just lurking, entirely possible. Few posting on this board hooked up with some guy/woman who was 100 percent of the time an ass.
I'm sure you've read the threads, if you do get back together with him be prepared for the roller coaster ride.
If nothing else, in your original thread where he went through withdrawal and you had to stay with him during (what turned out to be) his non-dry January attempt, indicates he is addicted to alcohol, for sure.
So yes, some day he may find recovery from alcohol. A month from now, a year, 10 years - 20, can't say, he can't even say. Are you prepared to put up with the treatment you have been receiving for an indeterminate amount of time to see?
He has made it very, very clear that he wants to do his own thing, ie: drink. Can you accept that? What is your future plan, do you want to have a family? Is this the man you can trust with your future children? Is a drunk Dad ok?
I think maybe those are some of the questions to ask. Take some of the focus off him and what you might "lose" - what do YOU want and what might you lose by staying in this relationship?
Trailmix, that is a great way to reframe it. I do want to get married and have children. I’m 32 so I worry about finding someone else ... He and his brother often make comments about how women over 30 aren’t ideal candidates for marriage because they’re getting to be too old to have babies
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I would agree!
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Just a quick note about the open bottle of wine when you get there...
My "supposedly sober", AXH used to be waiting at the door for me when I got home from work, handing me glass of wine so that I could "just sit and relax after a hard days work" ...it didn't matter that I had asked him many, many times not to tempt himself by buying wine for me, I didn't need it!!! Yet there it was, way too often... turns out it wasn't so much about taking care of his work battered wife as it was about covering up the smell of alcohol on his own ( supposed to be sober) breath.
The open wine bottle is a decoy.
My "supposedly sober", AXH used to be waiting at the door for me when I got home from work, handing me glass of wine so that I could "just sit and relax after a hard days work" ...it didn't matter that I had asked him many, many times not to tempt himself by buying wine for me, I didn't need it!!! Yet there it was, way too often... turns out it wasn't so much about taking care of his work battered wife as it was about covering up the smell of alcohol on his own ( supposed to be sober) breath.
The open wine bottle is a decoy.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
Trailmix, that is a great way to reframe it. I do want to get married and have children. I’m 32 so I worry about finding someone else ... He and his brother often make comments about how women over 30 aren’t ideal candidates for marriage because they’re getting to be too old to have babies 
Ugh. That right there is enough.
Next.
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
Trailmix, that is a great way to reframe it. I do want to get married and have children. I’m 32 so I worry about finding someone else ... He and his brother often make comments about how women over 30 aren’t ideal candidates for marriage because they’re getting to be too old to have babies
I just wanted to say Looking, I hope my posts don't sound judgmental. I'm truly not judging you at all.
When I talk about focusing on yourself and not on him etc, I don't mean to imply what you should or should not choose. Your choice is yours and none of us know what is right for you.
Seems to me if you continue to focus on what "could" be with him, rather than what is, it's about potential not the facts.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
omg - what a horrible thing to say!
I just wanted to say Looking, I hope my posts don't sound judgmental. I'm truly not judging you at all.
When I talk about focusing on yourself and not on him etc, I don't mean to imply what you should or should not choose. Your choice is yours and none of us know what is right for you.
Seems to me if you continue to focus on what "could" be with him, rather than what is, it's about potential not the facts.
I just wanted to say Looking, I hope my posts don't sound judgmental. I'm truly not judging you at all.
When I talk about focusing on yourself and not on him etc, I don't mean to imply what you should or should not choose. Your choice is yours and none of us know what is right for you.
Seems to me if you continue to focus on what "could" be with him, rather than what is, it's about potential not the facts.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Yeah, because sensitive alcoholics like this guy are SUCH good candidates to have babies.
Ugh. That right there is enough.
Next.
Ugh. That right there is enough.
Next.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
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Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
While physical or sexual abuse can be identified and blatantly obvious, emotional abuse often goes undetected, minimized, and dismissed by the abuser, victim, and others. This ignorance is effectively abuse upon abuse, which leads to serious emotional trauma.
Sharie Stines, MBA, PsyD
Sharie Stines, MBA, PsyD
https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/e...are-you-in-one
I self-isolated without realizing I was in abusive relationships. At first I didn't want to change. I thought I was in good, close, loving relationships. The more I learned, I started opening to the idea of more, new and better in my life.
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
Trailmix, that is a great way to reframe it. I do want to get married and have children. I’m 32 so I worry about finding someone else ... He and his brother often make comments about how women over 30 aren’t ideal candidates for marriage because they’re getting to be too old to have babies
But I knew in my gut that I couldn't bring children into that, let alone keep putting myself in a situation that was stressing me out. So I stopped him from buying a ring and we were stuck this limbo place for the last year of the relationship. Both of us hoping and wishing we could move forward, but me stopping it because I couldn't commit to someone who couldn't even commit to his own health.
Anyway - I understand very well how hard it is to make a decision. I know from experience no one can push you to that point. My head and heart had a battle with each other for at least a year. At some point I was just sick of feeling indecisive and I made the decision that put me in control - to leave.
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He and his brother often make comments about how women over 30 aren’t ideal candidates for marriage because they’re getting to be too old to have babies
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