Looking4Clues

Hi all, this board has been super helpful for me over the last week as I try to decide what to do about my relationship with my suspected ABF (did I get that acronym right?). I know the focus needs to be on me (and I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection this last week) but I’m worried I may have been living in denial for the last 6 months and it’s helpful to get an unbiased perspective from others who have lived through similar experiences. I keep telling myself maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing ... so here are some questions:

1. Are A’s normally emotionally closed off while drinking (or sober)? I always thought of alcohol as making one open up and more “lovey” but a lot of times my bf just kind of goes from sunny and warm at the first drink or two to more antagonistic/rude (not abusive just pessimistic and sarcastic mostly) and then into a zombie/checked-out state before falling asleep. He never has any of those typical drunken “heartfelt talks” most people have if they’ve been drinking.
2. Do A’s have tricks for hiding alcohol on their breath? A friend of mine (the only person I’ve told about all this) is convinced my bf is drinking during the daytime, but I never smell it on him when I kiss him if I’m there in the mornings or early afternoon. Sometimes on Saturdays when we have plans for the night, he’ll tell me not to come over until later in the day (like after 5) because he’s “getting stuff done” but then he never says what he was doing/is vague. I will smell alcohol on him when I arrive, but he’ll usually have a bottle of wine open and I assume he’s only just opened it. Do you think he could be starting to drink earlier on these days than he’s letting on?
3. How long before withdrawals set in? Because assuming he’s not drinking during the day/while working (he works from home and gets up at like 5am, makes a pot of coffee and drinks that until late morning), I never notice him hungover or shaky or anything of the sort in the mornings or afternoons before he starts drinking around 4 or 5pm (which would be about 18 hrs or so after his last drink). The most I notice is that he’ll get like these random “zaps” of extreme irritability, for ex: getting really angry that the girl behind the counter at the juice bar made his protein shake wrong; he was convinced she did it on purpose. He doesn’t show this anger to other people but he’ll be visibly upset and vent to me about it.
4. Can a person hide their heavy drinking from their physician? I remember expecting his routine blood work to show something but everything came back normal, despite him drinking anywhere between 20-30 drinks per week. He is also in good shape for his age (39) and not overweight - although he’s started to put on weight around his midsection.
5. Anywhere we go or anything we do for fun always involves alcohol. We’ve literally never done anything socially or for leisure besides go to the gym that doesn’t include alcohol for him. And whenever we go out to eat, he always insists on having dinner at the bar “because there’s better service/it’s easier.” Can anyone relate to these? Just wondering if this is common or not

Again, I know I’m focusing on him a lot here, but I’d like to know what I’m dealing with so that I can take care of myself and act accordingly. I’m having trouble determining whether or not he is an A. None of our mutual friends (one of whom is his sister) have ever mentioned he has a drinking problem so sometimes I wonder if it’s all in my head

Mango212

Trust your gut feeling that something is wrong with your relationship. (((hugs)))

Link to Al-anon:
https://al-anon.org/

Turquoise

Hello LFC
You suspect and thats perhaps a red flag for you ? Or a few red flags ? Warning signs ? But I'm really wondering how these are in relation to how it all affects you ? Is his drinking a problem for you ?

Mango212

He doesn’t show this anger to other people but he’ll be visibly upset and vent to me about it.

This is emotionally abuse. The person being abused, me, in the past, you, in this experience, is being kept "in check". Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse. It is not okay.

Whether there is drinking going on or not, this behavior has no valid excuse.

Through Al-anon, I found a safe place to use my voice, to find a healthy relationship with myself.

Looking4Clues

Hi Mango, thank you for your response. He doesn’t take it out on me or ever call me names etc, he’ll just say things about other people like “ugh that stupid b***** did that on purpose” and then I’ll roll my eyes and tell him to calm down and he’ll just huff and walk off away from me. Is that emotional abuse?

dandylion

Looking4clues......I have been on this forum for a long time....and, I can't really remember anyone who came here because it was "all in their head"...or, that, they were "making a mountain out of a mole hill".....

On the other hand...It is quite common for those who have come here to begin to doubt themselves when they fear that the relationship may not be working out the way they wanted.....
Like---"Maybe, if it is not so bad...I can learn to live with it, and not lose the relationship, after all"........

Looking4Clues

That’s what I’m trying to sort out. I grew up in a family where alcohol was hardly ever present, so my barometer for what is considered “average drinking” might be skewed ...

Mango212

Is that emotional abuse?

From my experience, yes. The abuser is taking anger at someone else and directing it my way. I got wrapped up in abusive relationships by trying to calm down the other person, fix problems that weren't mine, and/or stuff my feelings to please others.

This kind of displeasure at someone doing something wrong was teaching me I needed to keep this person happy.

Looking4Clues

You may be right. I guess I just want to know it’s not all in my mind and that the drinking is a problem in an objective sense.

Looking4Clues

I can completely relate to stuffing my feelings down to please others!

SparkleKitty

1. Alcohol, like other drugs, is a means to avoid feeling whatever one is feeling, or dealing with whatever one has to deal with. I would say, yes, Alcoholics are emotionally avoidant.

2. As alcoholism progresses, it seeks to protect itself more and more. I don't know your boyfriend, but I would not be surprised if it was discovered that any alcoholic was drinking more (even a LOT more) than anyone close to them suspected at any given time.

3. It's different for everyone, and on top of that it depends on how much and how often one is drinking. Please do no consume your precious life energy trying to track and predict this. It's his business and his problem.

4. Left untreated, alcoholism is progressive. There is no predicting how slow or how fast any particular person's descent may be. What his body can handle now may not be what it can handle six weeks, six months, or six years from now.

5. I don't know if it's "common" but it certainly is a huge red flag. I can only tell you that my husband and I frequently go places and do things where alcohol is not involved, and that alcohol is never a factor in deciding where we might go or what we might do. With my XABF, however, access to alcohol was the only thing he cared about.

Looking4Clues

I think I just had an “aha” moment reading that

dandylion

Looking4clues......his behavior does not sound like that of a "normal" happy, healthy person....
It is not unusual for routine blood work to come back within normal limits....
Not every person has deep "heart felt" talks...whether sober or drunk....every personality is different....
Smelling alcohol or not, sometimes, does not prove anything, one way or another.....
Withdrawl symptoms that can be seen on the outside...like shaking, etc,, are not always present....usually not until the person is very far along in the physical dependency....but, it doesn't mean that the person is not having some symptoms and feeling it, themselves.....
The person can begin to feel uncomfortable (inside) within a few hours of their last drink.....
I think that never ever doing anything that does not include drinking is a red flag for anyone....
It is unusual for close friends of family to come right out and tell you that your boy friend has a drinking problem.....
Some alcoholics are fat and some are thin as a reed.....
I think his irritability to the sales girl is very concerning.....that is not normal or desirable behavior in anyone....
He could possible, be having some depression....alcohol is, after all, a depressant....due to the way it alters the neurotransmitters in the brain....and, depression can make a person very irritable, in general.....

Looking4Clues

That sounds like a dream! Sometimes it feels like our relationship is very limited because of his drinking preferences ...

Looking4Clues

Hi dandylion, I think you might be onto something about the depressive issues. I wonder if my friends and family are aware of his problems and just not saying anything to me?

SparkleKitty

Mine was.

XABF and I spent one of my birthdays together. I said where I wanted to go to eat, and he kept hedging on it and suggested other places--including, go figure, his favorite drinking spot in the neighborhood where the bartender knew him and would spot him every other drink or so. Of course what he told ME was that he wanted to be able to buy me dinner and the restaurant I liked was too expensive. I had already told him I would buy my own dinner and that it was more important to me to go where I wanted.

If I recall correctly, we ended up not going out at all. Still, I dated him for another four months. Sigh.

SmallButMighty

If his drinking is causing you to worry then it very much is a problem.... FOR YOU! That is very valid instinct and not something you should try to ignore.

Many of us here did ignore our instincts and ended up married for decades and raising our families in dysfunction. My life got progressively worse until I decided to no longer share in the dysfunction.

Please, listen to your gut.

trailmix

As Turquoise (and smallbutmighty) said, is his drinking a problem for you. I think that is always the place to start.

Partner drinks a lot. He or she doesn't think it's a problem, quite content with the 20-30 drinks a week. The question is, do you think it's a problem, that's the only thing that matters really. If you are quite content with him being drunk a lot, then no problem! Of course the fact that you are here asking indicates you aren't comfortable with it.

Is he an alcoholic? Only he can determine that. Is 30 drinks a lot - yes! It's easy to get used to things like this when you are around it a lot, but that's a lot of alcohol! Imagine your life drinking 30 drinks a week.

The whole, has things to do and then has a bottle of wine open which you then assume has just been open - reeks of a set up.

The bar does have better service for alcohol. To get a drink all you have to do is nod at the bartender, if you even have to do that, normally they are right there asking if you would like another drink before you have finished your last (is this how it is where you go?). That doesn't happen at a table. The server strolls by periodically and you probably have to ask for another drink.

As for the weight, depends. Many problem drinkers eat very little, alcohol is making up those calories. Many problem drinkers are malnourished (without going in to detail this can happen even if they are eating a lot or normally).

Looking4Clues

Very, very relatable. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but it is comforting to know I’m not the only one who has experienced this kind of scenario. Mine often finds a way to make everything about him and his preferences. For Valentine’s Day, he had given me a heads up earlier in the week that he was going to have some surprises for me and when the day came, I got NOTHING (not a card, not flowers, not candy ... zip zero). He then made a show of suggesting our “first date spot” for dinner that night (a place we frequented often anyways) and we went and .... ate dinner the bar. I’m not even a huge Valentines person but I remember feeling so disappointed and un-special :-/

AnvilheadII

as dandy said, i have yet to see a newcomer post here about their concerns about their partner's drinking and have them turn out to be unfounded.

if his drinking wasn't a problem, you wouldn't be googling "is he drinking too much??".

i wonder if it's possible he's also using drugs....i recall you said he'd pull disappearing acts, sometimes for a full weekend. the mood swings, the "sudden" irritability, the never really being THERE.

but bottom line......is this really the kind of relationship you want? with all this guessing, second guessing, never getting what you want, often being made to feel less than or unimportant? is that something we should WILLINGLY sign up for???