Wondering if it’s all in my head (or is this denial?) ...
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues 
What if I do and then he turns around and is that great guy I fell in love with, but for someone else because I let him go?
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Information about psychologically abusive relationships:
https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/e...are-you-in-one
I self-isolated without realizing I was in abusive relationships. At first I didn't want to change. I thought I was in good, close, loving relationships. The more I learned, I started opening to the idea of more, new and better in my life.
https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/e...are-you-in-one
I self-isolated without realizing I was in abusive relationships. At first I didn't want to change. I thought I was in good, close, loving relationships. The more I learned, I started opening to the idea of more, new and better in my life.
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Originally Posted by EllieJ
I just wanted to tell you I relate so much to what you are saying here! I stayed with my XABF for 4 years because I did want to get married and have children and I had already invested so much time into the relationship. (I'll be 31 later this week). I also worried about finding someone new when I had someone that I loved and who loved me. He was admitting that he was an alcoholic, he knew he had to change, and he was making some recovery attempts (although failing every time). I thought I should just be supportive and that he'd eventually get through it and we'd get onto that life that we planned to have.
But I knew in my gut that I couldn't bring children into that, let alone keep putting myself in a situation that was stressing me out. So I stopped him from buying a ring and we were stuck this limbo place for the last year of the relationship. Both of us hoping and wishing we could move forward, but me stopping it because I couldn't commit to someone who couldn't even commit to his own health.
Anyway - I understand very well how hard it is to make a decision. I know from experience no one can push you to that point. My head and heart had a battle with each other for at least a year. At some point I was just sick of feeling indecisive and I made the decision that put me in control - to leave.
But I knew in my gut that I couldn't bring children into that, let alone keep putting myself in a situation that was stressing me out. So I stopped him from buying a ring and we were stuck this limbo place for the last year of the relationship. Both of us hoping and wishing we could move forward, but me stopping it because I couldn't commit to someone who couldn't even commit to his own health.
Anyway - I understand very well how hard it is to make a decision. I know from experience no one can push you to that point. My head and heart had a battle with each other for at least a year. At some point I was just sick of feeling indecisive and I made the decision that put me in control - to leave.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
I used to live in NYC. I had my first baby at 33. My OB/GYN considered me "the baby" of the practice because most of his pregnant patients were 35+.
Thanks, PuzzledHeart! I know, I’ve read articles about how 35, while considered a “riskier” age to have babies, is not the barren wasteland many people make it out to be. I have even given him and his brother examples of all the women who have perfectly healthy babies into their late 30s, but of course it’s always dismissed. It’s just hard not to internalize those kinds of comments from your partner.
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
He and his brother often make comments about how women over 30 aren’t ideal candidates for marriage because they’re getting to be too old to have babies 
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There are 151 million men in the united states, don’t invest in the 1 that is causing you to question yourself, your worth or your values just because you feel you are in love. Love never conquers alcoholism.
If you have to search about his drinking, ask your best friend about his drinking then there is a problem. A problem that is not for you to solve, fix or remediate for him but one to remediate for yourself by letting go of what is not going to work in the long run, sorry.
No matter how much we want, wish for and pray for – we are never going to get that round peg into the square hole of our future wants and needs, not going to happen.
Denial is the glue that keeps us bonded to unhealthy people and situations.
If you have to search about his drinking, ask your best friend about his drinking then there is a problem. A problem that is not for you to solve, fix or remediate for him but one to remediate for yourself by letting go of what is not going to work in the long run, sorry.
No matter how much we want, wish for and pray for – we are never going to get that round peg into the square hole of our future wants and needs, not going to happen.
Denial is the glue that keeps us bonded to unhealthy people and situations.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
What if you don’t and a whole slew of people who are ALREADY great guys pass you by?
I know. It’s so difficult when you’re already attached to someone. Even if you know you deserve better, it’s hard not to think “Yeah, but why can’t THIS guy just treat me better/like he did in the beginning/like I know he’s capable of?” Can anyone relate to that feeling?
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Originally Posted by atalose
There are 151 million men in the united states, don’t invest in the 1 that is causing you to question yourself, your worth or your values just because you feel you are in love. Love never conquers alcoholism.
If you have to search about his drinking, ask your best friend about his drinking then there is a problem. A problem that is not for you to solve, fix or remediate for him but one to remediate for yourself by letting go of what is not going to work in the long run, sorry.
No matter how much we want, wish for and pray for – we are never going to get that round peg into the square hole of our future wants and needs, not going to happen.
Denial is the glue that keeps us bonded to unhealthy people and situations.
If you have to search about his drinking, ask your best friend about his drinking then there is a problem. A problem that is not for you to solve, fix or remediate for him but one to remediate for yourself by letting go of what is not going to work in the long run, sorry.
No matter how much we want, wish for and pray for – we are never going to get that round peg into the square hole of our future wants and needs, not going to happen.
Denial is the glue that keeps us bonded to unhealthy people and situations.
So very true, Atalose. And SO hard to accept!
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
I know. It’s so difficult when you’re already attached to someone. Even if you know you deserve better, it’s hard not to think “Yeah, but why can’t THIS guy just treat me better/like he did in the beginning/like I know he’s capable of?” Can anyone relate to that feeling?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
I know. It’s so difficult when you’re already attached to someone. Even if you know you deserve better, it’s hard not to think “Yeah, but why can’t THIS guy just treat me better/like he did in the beginning/like I know he’s capable of?” Can anyone relate to that feeling?
Have you read around the forum much, Looking? I see you have a fair number of posts, but they are virtually all in your own threads. A lot of what you're wondering and asking is exactly what others here have wondered and asked too. I know for me it was a real eye-opener to step out of my own little convoluted world that XAH and I inhabited and see how things were for all the others dealing with alcohol issues. It was the beginning of big changes. I'd suggest taking that microscopic focus off of him and devoting that energy to educating yourself about alcoholism and alcoholics.
Is it hard to end a relationship? Hell yes. It's terrifically difficult and astoundingly painful. No doubt about it. I ended a marriage of 19 years, a total time together of about 21 years. Others here have ended even longer relationships/marriages. At some point, we realized that a "relationship" w/someone who wasn't even THERE wasn't much of a relationship, no matter if there were good times sometimes...
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Originally Posted by honeypig
EVERYONE can relate to that feeling. At some point, though, I realized that it simply wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to waste my time and energy, my one and only LIFE, twisting and turning myself inside out trying to find the magic key to change someone else's behavior.
Have you read around the forum much, Looking? I see you have a fair number of posts, but they are virtually all in your own threads. A lot of what you're wondering and asking is exactly what others here have wondered and asked too. I know for me it was a real eye-opener to step out of my own little convoluted world that XAH and I inhabited and see how things were for all the others dealing with alcohol issues. It was the beginning of big changes. I'd suggest taking that microscopic focus off of him and devoting that energy to educating yourself about alcoholism and alcoholics.
Is it hard to end a relationship? Hell yes. It's terrifically difficult and astoundingly painful. No doubt about it. I ended a marriage of 19 years, a total time together of about 21 years. Others here have ended even longer relationships/marriages. At some point, we realized that a "relationship" w/someone who wasn't even THERE wasn't much of a relationship, no matter if there were good times sometimes...
Have you read around the forum much, Looking? I see you have a fair number of posts, but they are virtually all in your own threads. A lot of what you're wondering and asking is exactly what others here have wondered and asked too. I know for me it was a real eye-opener to step out of my own little convoluted world that XAH and I inhabited and see how things were for all the others dealing with alcohol issues. It was the beginning of big changes. I'd suggest taking that microscopic focus off of him and devoting that energy to educating yourself about alcoholism and alcoholics.
Is it hard to end a relationship? Hell yes. It's terrifically difficult and astoundingly painful. No doubt about it. I ended a marriage of 19 years, a total time together of about 21 years. Others here have ended even longer relationships/marriages. At some point, we realized that a "relationship" w/someone who wasn't even THERE wasn't much of a relationship, no matter if there were good times sometimes...
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
More info I continue to find helpful. Recovery is a journey, not a sudden fix.
https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/...dont-know/amp/
It's not your fault, no matter what anyone might say.
You don’t have to justify to anyone the reasons you didn’t leave right away.
Some victims of emotional/psychological abuse are able to leave and not go back to their abuser. Many go back again and again, until they gather enough skills and support to be able to leave.
This is not our fault. This is a symptom of the abuse and how the trauma-bonded brain is doing what it knows to do to survive.
https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/...dont-know/amp/
It's not your fault, no matter what anyone might say.
You don’t have to justify to anyone the reasons you didn’t leave right away.
Some victims of emotional/psychological abuse are able to leave and not go back to their abuser. Many go back again and again, until they gather enough skills and support to be able to leave.
This is not our fault. This is a symptom of the abuse and how the trauma-bonded brain is doing what it knows to do to survive.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
I haven’t posted much in others simply due to the fact that I’m new to all this and don’t feel I’m in a position to offer others advice 🙈
I certainly appreciate it when someone says to me "I understand how you feel. I know it's tough. Hang in", even when they don't have any further insights to offer. And you DO have the power to do that same thing for others here, no matter how new you are. I'd encourage you to give it a try--it's amazing how much it can help BOTH parties!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Even if you know you deserve better, it’s hard not to think “Yeah, but why can’t THIS guy just treat me better/like he did in the beginning/like I know he’s capable of?”
Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning, it’s all bliss but eventually the REAL person shows you exactly who and how they are. He is showing you exactly who he is.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning
...and definitely don't show up drunk.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
I know. It’s so difficult when you’re already attached to someone. Even if you know you deserve better, it’s hard not to think “Yeah, but why can’t THIS guy just treat me better/like he did in the beginning/like I know he’s capable of?” Can anyone relate to that feeling?
It wasn't until I realized that the only person who could truly make me feel worthy 100% of the time was me that anything really changed for me.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
It wasn't until I realized that the only person who could truly make me feel worthy 100% of the time was me that anything really changed for me.
How, how do you do this? Slowly lol
This bears working on, it's a true change of mindset and those are never easy but it is achievable. How great to not be at the whim of someone or something else that tosses your mood and opinion of yourself around like the wind!!
It's not (for me) always there and it takes lots of mindfulness (I don't even like that word much, so overused but it applies here).
When you think about it Looking4Clues, was he really all that perfect to begin with. Upon reflection, don't you see some red flags? Those are easy to overlook in that first rush of happiness and excitement.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Mango212
More info I continue to find helpful. Recovery is a journey, not a sudden fix.
[URL="https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/09/11/what-abuse-survivors-dont-know/amp/"]https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/09/11/what-abuse-survivors-dont-know/amp
It's not your fault, no matter what anyone might say.
You don’t have to justify to anyone the reasons you didn’t leave right away.
Some victims of emotional/psychological abuse are able to leave and not go back to their abuser. Many go back again and again, until they gather enough skills and support to be able to leave.
This is not our fault. This is a symptom of the abuse and how the trauma-bonded brain is doing what it knows to do to survive.
[URL="https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/09/11/what-abuse-survivors-dont-know/amp/"]https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/09/11/what-abuse-survivors-dont-know/amp
It's not your fault, no matter what anyone might say.
You don’t have to justify to anyone the reasons you didn’t leave right away.
Some victims of emotional/psychological abuse are able to leave and not go back to their abuser. Many go back again and again, until they gather enough skills and support to be able to leave.
This is not our fault. This is a symptom of the abuse and how the trauma-bonded brain is doing what it knows to do to survive.
Thank you Mango! Such a helpful resource.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Indeed. It's a job interview - and the job comes with pretty good benefits. Better wear nice clothes and not curse at the interviewer.
...and definitely don't show up drunk.
...and definitely don't show up drunk.
That last line gave me a much needed giggle lol. Thank you.
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