HardLessons

Yes loving a broken person addict does suck. The fact that you got screwed over also sucks.

What's most important in the short run is to tally focus on the problem of where you are going to live. Forget the rest of it you can sort that out later.

Did you ask your boss for a raise? I know it can be a tricky proposition. But if you have a caring employer & they value you as an employee, I am sure they will at least listen. I know at my work we do help valued employees who find themselves in a bind financially. We generally work something out with them.

Slaytheday24

Well I spoke to my old roommates they said that I can have my old room back if I follow some rules. They will be raising my portion of the rent. I can have use of the bathroom around their schedule. I am to stay in my room most of the time with exceptions of when I’m using bathroom, kitchen and laundry room. No guest are allowed over. Must be willing to help take care of the one roommates dog and the other roommates kid when needed. My room is the smallest out of all three and the only room with out a walk in closet and direct access to a bathroom.... when I was going to live with my ex the reasons where because my roommates kept locking me out of the bathroom, their kid being super loud at like 2 am, the smell from the dog, the lack of cleanliness of roommates and that they would come home at all hours of the night with guests and be super loud.


My other option is to quit my job and move to my aunts. I wouldn’t have a job here and my uncle said he tried for months to get a job that it’s not easy. I would be rent free but still have to pay my bills which without an income is kinda hard to do.

I have looked on Craigslist and roomies and Facebook rentals for cheap rentals and roommates but I haven’t had any luck. My Aunt and Uncle helped out too and couldn’t believe how expensive it was to live in my area.

Hawkeye13

I think I'd go for the Aunt's house--those conditions sound unacceptable to me.

Slaytheday24

Guys I’m really struggling today and reaches out to him. And asked if i will ever see him again if I stay near by. He said he doesn’t know and that he really needs to just focus on his recovery and start getting sponsees and forget about woman. I don’t know why I want him in my life so bad. And why I’d be willing to live with my ****** roommates just because it’s in the same complex as my ex. He has never once told me he doesn’t love me only that it isn’t working. Am I really this crazy.

PuzzledHeart

Good Lord, those conditions... They sound passive-aggressive. I would look someplace else.

These are very crazy ideas, but hey, worth a try.

Have you considered the YWCA or a local hostel? Hostels are cheap but you will most likely share a room with five other people.

Since it is the summer, you could also see if your local university offers lodging since it is the break.

In DC and NYC there are women's only residences that have rooming rates that are significantly cheaper than market prices.

https://tmhdc.org/what-we-offer/rates/
https://websterapartments.org/declaration/worker/dates/

Slaytheday24

[QUOTE=PuzzledHeart;6885066]Good Lord, those conditions... They sound passive-aggressive. I would look someplace else.

These are very crazy ideas, but hey, worth a try.

Have you considered the YWCA or a local hostel? Hostels are cheap but you will most likely share a room with five other people.

Since it is the summer, you could also see if your local university offers lodging since it is the break.

In DC and NYC there are women's only residences that have rooming rates that are significantly cheaper than market prices

I looked into sharing rooms but in my area they are mostly sober homes and since I’m a normie I can’t live there. Right now the jail cell with my ex roommates is all I can afford.

Right now I’m concerned with my mental health right now. Why am I missing my ex this much why do I want him back. He played with my trust and loyalty and told me to get out with no concern of my ware abouts. And now I feel like he is using his recovery as a crutch and blaming it all on that. But at the end of the day I want him back. And then I feel crazy for wanting him back.

PuzzledHeart

When my ex-fiance dumped me a month before the wedding, I was in a similar position. I had just quit my job and announced I was moving across the country. My roommate was getting married too so we never renewed the lease and as a result I lost the apartment.

He dumped me right after the invitations were mailed, so my family had to call up all my friends and relatives and tell them the wedding was off. I never felt so humiliated in my entire life. He called up my dad and told him what an abusive person I was. He didn't exactly have kind words about my mother either.

Meanwhile, this guy, from the get go, told me that he was the type of guy who always flirted with women so that was something I would have to accept. He also told me I wasn't smart enough to be a private investigator because he had kissed a woman the week before and I wasn't smart enough to pick it up. Then he smiled. He most likely had an emotional affair with a co-worker. He stroked her cheek right in front of me and I pretended that I didn't notice. Fortunately, she wised up and dumped him. And yet I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

And no, he didn't drink. But yes, I thought love was enough. When he broke up with me, I didn't show up to work for a week because I wanted to die. I would get angry when I woke up in the morning because it meant I had to face reality again. I ended up filling three to four journals in that time period and just basically vomited my pain and angst all over them. It was like someone ripped my insides, put them in a blender, and make me drink it back in.

So no, you're not crazy. Yes he is acting like a total bastard right now. If he is anything like my ex, he will eventually regret it. And you may end up like me - nearly ten years to the day that he dumped me we ran into each other. I was cordial and said I had to leave after five minutes of chit chat. He chased me to the parking lot and said he was sorry for what he did.

This man had caused me so much pain ten years before and I had had all these fantasies of what it would be like when I finally ran into him. But in the end, when it actually happened, I just didn't care. He droned on and on and honestly all I wanted him to do at that point was let me go so I could go back to my husband and son.

I had moved on. And so will you.

Slaytheday24

He finally took me off of his relationship on Facebook today. I didn’t think that would matter to me it’s just Facebook. But it hurt a lot. I deleted all my text messages with him in hopes it will help me forget. I can’t mangage to get out of bed today. It will be my last day at my aunts and really don’t want to go back to the apartment with people who do not like me. I don’t want to go to work because my boss told a work friend what was going on and now the whole place knows. So I been avoiding everyone’s calls. I don’t think I’ve ever been this depressed before and definitely not over a break up. I think it hurts more that he seems ineffected by it.
He was like this is what I need to do for my recovery so you need to be out. Like how can you say that to someone you apparently cared for. And his explanation was that recovery is more important than being in love and that I will never understand that. But I don’t understand why you can’t work on both. Why can’t you handle the ups and downs of a relationship and work on recovery...
Early in our relationship he told me he wanted kids and I was unsure about it. Because I wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle it. That it’s a lot of work and kids are demanding and annoying. Now I kinda feel like he wouldn’t be able to have kids. If he doesn’t want to work on a relationship with someone he called his soul mate then I feel the stress of kids would also threaten his recovery and he would pull away.

SparkleKitty

He is definitely in no position to be in a relationship or planning a future with anyone. Marriage and kids would be massive stretch goals at this point. It sounds like he needs to develop a relationship with himself before he can even think of having one with someone else. Without that foundation, relationships quickly become unhealthy substitutes for self-worth and self-validation.

Slaytheday24

So basically he could have never been in love with me at all? That I was just a way to make him feel good? I don’t think that makes me feel much better at all. That just makes me feel like he played me and now I’m just a depressed broken person from it. I was doing okay in my life. And now I feel weak and not myself anymore. I really do hate that he can walk away from a relationship like it wasn’t ever there. It’s so easy for him. The man who couldn’t go twenty minutes without calling or texting me. Now goes days with no problem.

Clover71

I could be wrong, but I would guess that he thought he loved you and you thought you loved him. Think about it, people who truly love each other don't treat each other this way.

I'm sorry for your hurt. I wish you could find something else to think about besides him - namely yourself. That living situation truly sounds awful.

HardLessons

I know the feeling of wanting to isolate from the world because of relationship problems with an addict. Ive done my share of isolating.

But I also do know that in the longer run isolation is not good & wont help. Maybe interacting with your work friends will help you. Maybe you will get some needed support. Maybe don't avoid everyone's calls.

There is a thread on SR concerning "abundance" thinking vs scarcity thinking. Its a good read. Please don't let one crappy abusive addict spoil your entire life.

Try you best & do whatever you have to do to put this guy in your rear view mirror. Move past him. He has no answers for you or your life.

Please take care & I hope you have a better day.

Slaytheday24

I never thought of him as abusive. He was very caring when we were together. I think things would be better if I didn’t have such a crappy living situation to go back to.

I don’t even want to talk to my work friends. They were the ones who really cheerleadered the decision for me to move in with him when I was having doubts about it. Saying what’s the worse that could happen? He really loves you you should take the leap.

I don’t want to give up on him forever and put him behind me. I guess I want to believe he really did and does love me that he is having a hard time with life.

Idk I guess even if it was just a hard time he wouldn’t kick me out. But I’m thinking he sees me as the problem. Because he said he can’t be with me and focus on recovery at the same time. But then again that doesn’t excuse him texting with his ex saying he can’t get her off his mind.

trailmix

No one is perfect and he certainly isn't. You didn't give a lot of detail in your original posts but there are red flags all over it:

This isn't actually "stupid". Who turns off a TV when someone is watching it? Someone controlling that's who. It's aggressive behavior.

On what planet would you ever need to explain this to a grown adult person?

Again, who would think like that? Either someone very immature or someone who has no idea how a relationship works.

This is a person who was talking about marriage but hasn't figured out that when you live with someone it does take work and hey - they will be around the house a lot!

He's either hedging or oblivious to reality.

He sounds abusive. I am guessing that he had moments of clarity, moments when he even appeared loving and kind, but were there many times when he was cruel and mean?

A mistake is to look at the good parts and say IF he was just that all the time things would be great! He isn't that all the time, he never was. He is both, not two people, one person with a side that is destructive.

Is that the kind of life partner you want?

I know you are hurt and you have all these other things to worry about. Moving back in with your former roommates would be a huge mistake in my opinion. Your best bet is to stay right where you are for the moment, with your Aunt and try your best to get a job as soon as possible and get a place of your own.

You can do this.

Slaytheday24

I did go back to my roommates and as it turns out really only one of them is upset with me. And the other two are relieved that I will be back here and they don’t have to pay rent for my old bedroom. Unfortunately my aunt and Uncle live in the middle of no where and jobs are tough to find. I told them that maybe I can keep looking and by next year maybe I can find something in there area. I can’t afford to leave my job at the moment so I’m just gonna suck it up. Also I applied for a second job and have an interview tomorrow it’s only a temp job but it will bring in some money and keep my busy.

He really was sweet and loving all of the time. It wasn’t until about two weeks ago that this new side of him came out. But I will say that I have seen him get snappy over little things like his roommate leaving a coffee dirty coffee mug out. But he would never say anything to the roommate just complain to me about it. Or his roommate used the dishwasher once. And he flipped about it. But once again only complained to me.

He had mentioned that I was only the second relationship he had has since being sober. And the one with his ex only lasted 3 months because she had to move back to her home state for probation. I’m assuming his dating maturity is that of a teenager and not of 35 year old man.

I’m not perfect either. When he withdrew from me I chased him. Which isn’t particularly like me but I just couldn’t understand how he could do a switch on me and I was left broken and searching for answers. But I really do hate that I was just his learning experience. And I guess he will go down as a learning experience for me as well.

AnvilheadII

And I guess he will go down as a learning experience for me as well.

i hope so! there are a lot of lessons to be learned!

your housing situation sounds awful. inhumane. i don't know how you found these folks, but getting away from them is essential. that's a creepy abusive place where you are restricted and even your bathroom use is at their discretion.

going to your aunt and uncle's would be a far better mental health situation.

Slaytheday24

I spoke to the roommates that I actually will have to share the bathroom with and they don’t mind at all. It’s the one roommate who has a master with his own bathroom who made up the room. For some reason that roommate thinks he’s the king of the place. We all used to be co workers and friends now none of us work together and our friendships aren’t as strong.

I just rearranged my room tonight only to put my bed against the wall like teenager and then I realized my window is right by the ac unit outside. Major vibrations but I’ll live.

Saw the ex today so I could get some stuff. Noticed he took down the photo of us that he had hanging next to his bed from our third date. I said “wow that was quick” and he was like “it was upsetting me looking at it.” And then he said “just because I’m not texting you doesn’t mean I’m not hurting, this was bad for me as well” then he gave me some bs story on how in his family when they have issues they just keep to themselves for a few days and it dies down and that’s how he handled his relationships. And I explained that I don’t really like that I like to talk it out and make up so that no one gets ignored. I held out on pointing out that in most of his relationships and family issues that when he had a problem that he would go out drinking and getting high. Even got on a buss and moved 400 miles away one time because of a family fight.

I didn’t think loving an addict in recovery would be this hard, didn’t know he was this selfish.

Clover71

"I didn’t think loving an addict in recovery would be this hard, didn’t know he was this selfish."


It doesn't sound like he is in recovery at all. Just my opinion, but I think it would be a good idea to get all of your belongings from his apartment now so you don't continue to go back. It's like ripping the bandaid off over and over again