Slaytheday24

Hey all I am new here and feeling so lost and confused. My now ex boyfriend and I met a few years ago while he was still using. We met at a bar of all places and I thought he was charming and gave him my number. We never hung out and eventually lost touch. Fast forward 5 years later he was in recovery and living in my apartment complex in a completely didn’t state than the one we met in. We eventually starting dating. He was head over heels for me and was the best relationship I ever was in. He convinced me that at the end of my lease I should move into his place since I was having issues with my roommates. I thought it was rushed and showed caution. But he kept pushing it and sold it as a way for me to save money since I was there everyday anyway. So I moved in before my lease was over but still gave money to my old roommate to not screw him over. The relationship was great he was attentive and loving. But we did have two major issues that caused a few and I mean only a few fights. One was that his ex girlfriends stuff was still in the apartment and the second was he never fully helped me move over my stuff from my old place. About two weeks ago we got into another fight this time over something so stupid, me wanting to watch tv and he turned it off to go to bed. But that was it that was the fight that broke the straw. After that he was different, distant and mean. I tried to stay positive but couldn’t and tried to get him to talk to me about what was going on with him. This would result in him being angry and me crying. How could the man who told me it was fate we were together push me away. This man had me meet his family and told them I would be the woman he marries. But now he is cold and his eyes are cold to me. Yesterday he came home from dinner with a friend and told me it was over and that I had until next week to move out. He said that he didn’t realize that moving in met I’d be here all the time. I explained to him that that’s what happens when you live together and that every couple goes through a period of adjustment. And he said no there shouldnt have to be work so this isn’t working for me. Perfect timing as my lease at my old place officially runs out days after his timeline. I do not know what to do. I can not financially move out and searching for an affordable room to rent hasn’t gotten me any results in my budget . I don’t have many friends here and my family lives in another state. I feel so lost as this was the man only two weeks ago was asking me about engagement rings. Is this flip flop of emotions normal? Will he come around? Or is this really over and soon to be homeless.

velma929

No, it's not normal. There are so many things going on I wouldn't just blame everything on the drinking. His ex's stuff is still in his apartment, and he didn't even help you move your things in? It sounds like he was ambivalent about living together, and almost immediately he regretted it.

"He said that he didn’t realize that moving in met I’d be here all the time." That's kind of idiotic. Where did he think you'd be? I guess he and the ex never lived together.

Alcohol or no alcohol, he doesn't sound like much of a catch, and even if he stopped drinking today, these problems wouldn't magically disappear. Beware of "if only" thinking. "If only he wasn't drinking everything would be okay." It wouldn't be okay. He's got problems besides his addiction.

I can't tell from your timeline: Is there a chance you could throw yourself on the mercy of your roommates and move back in?

Nata1980

Oh boy...he is a real winner, isn’t he?

Seriously, I’d consider his departure as a gift from universe. I agree that more than alcohol seems to be at play here.

I hope you find new roommates/get back with your old ones soon.

AnvilheadII

I thought it was rushed and showed caution.
but proceeded anyways. and now here you are.
your gut was right. now you know you can trust it, always

Bekindalways

Welcome to Soberrecovery Slaytheday. I'm so sorry for what has brought you here; it sounds beyond painful.

Also not easy to have to move AND lose the man you thought you were going to marry. You might consider going to Alanon for some support even though from what you say, he is in recovery (supposedly). What you are going through is no joke (not to state the obvious here).

Please do the best you can to take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.

nez

You weren't dumped...you were set free! Now you are available for the relationship you deserve instead of wasting time in a flawed one.

FreedomCA

I was confused if he went back to drinking or not because you initially said he was in recovery?

Slaytheday24

I don’t believe he is drinking. I think he is staying clean. He never smells of liquor. It’s weird his ex did live here. And she didn’t have a job so she really was around all the time. And was more financially dependent on him than I was. My old roommates have already moved on an someone new will be moving into my room. I have pressure from them to get the rest of my stuff out and now now where to put it. My only two options right now is to ask my boss for like a two thousand dollar raise and an advanced on my paycheck. Or quit my job and move out of state to my aunts who has a spare room.

dandylion

Slaytheday24......in my state, once you have established that it is your home...which is pretty easy to do....if you get your mail there, for instance, and your necessities are there...it is your current home...then, legally, you don't have to leave unless you have been given eviction notice...which is at least, one month. Then, if you wish to go to court and tell why you shouldn't have to move...that can buy you a few more weeks...(you really don't need to hire a lawyer for this part)....and, if you are lucky, you can get the court to extend your time longer....
Some people who really know how the courts work, in these situations, can buy up to 3 months.....I have seen some "street smart" people do that...lol....
So, you might be able to have time to make some other arrangements.......
You don't have to just run out the door just because h e has asked you to or has expressed displeasure.....

ExMrsLopez

Hello, so sorry for your troubles.

It sounds as though most of the people in your life right now are not very supportive.

The heck with the "BF", ask for the raise and the advance. If you don't get it, move away to live with your Aunt. Make a fresh start, go on an adventure!

My sister-in-law told me how envious she was that I could pick up and start a new life when I moved from NY to FL in '05. When I left my AH to move to VA, I remembered what she said and thought, Wow, I get to start fresh again!...I wonder how envious my sister-in-law is now.

New surroundings bring new perspectives, in all aspects of our lives.

Keep us posted!

Slaytheday24

Well I had a moment of weekeness and looked at his phone looks like his ex is back in halfway and he’s been talking and spending time with her, sending her kissy faces and hearts. Right around the time things changed with me

dandylion

Slaytheday....at least your feelings have been validated...and, you have a solid answer as to why his sudden mood change.
It is still your established home. Let her sleep on the couch, if he wants to move her back in.....I don't see an urgency for you to make things easier for them.
go ahead and make your own plans....or, just move to be with your aunt if that l ooks like it h as any positive advantages for you......

PhoenixRising211

I really like that take on it "avoid if only thinking". Great advice! Simple and easy to keep in mind. Thank you

This guy is not a winner, by any means. Him leaving is a Gain, not a loss. Let that one free. Find the one that sees how awesome you are will not let you go. That is the guy who deserves your time.

Slaytheday24

I thought he was that person. Our relationship always seemed so loving. He would tell everyone how I was the one and how he was amazed by me. He made me feel good about myself and I finally thought I met the right man, but now I realize the hole relationship was just him being selfish. He wanted me to move in because he was obsessed with me and even though I was sure of it he convinced me it was a good idea. And now since she is contacting him and they met up recently because she is back in town. He’s obsessed with her. He really only cares about himself

atalose

Some in the meantime immediate ideas…………..

Check local FB groups like garage sale sites/local community things and join them. In my area I see people asking all the time about rooms to rent or garage storage space to rent for short periods of time. Someone may have an empty garage you could rent and they could make some extra cash. I recently saw a woman advertise that she needed a “safe” clean room to rent while she was going through a messy divorce. I mean you never know and it can’t hurt to ask.

Learning to feel good about ourselves without a man or a relationship is the key to our everlasting happiness!!

Slaytheday24

I was doing alright before him. Although not financially well off. I kept up with bills and I was in a good place within my self. But I do admit it was nice that he took the role of trying to take care of me. I was his first ever girlfriend to have a job and make my own money. I valued my independence. Which he told me was attractive. And admired that he was in recovery and taking his life back. But o feel that he has these selfish tendencies that maybe has to do with him being an addict or maybe he is just an ******* who knows. But now reflecting on how his previous relationships and how our relationship went makes me feel that he is also a love addict. He loves the natural high that a new relationship brings but once that’s over he moves on and does not care how the other person feels. I just wish o wasn’t so foolish and trusted my gut

Bekindalways

^^^^ You do sound like you are ahead of many here Slaytheday.

Your idea that he is a love addict sounds pretty close to the truth. Addicts often fill in for the drug with something else. And man oh man this must hurt.

Some people get sucked into something like this repeatedly but it sounds like you will glean tons of wisdom from the experience and it won't happen again.

I'm so so hoping you find a place to live or moving back to be with your aunt is a reasonable option.

Courage and strength to you brave lady.

Slaytheday24

Thank you I really appreciate it. I’m not as strong as I might come off. I have already begged him to take me back and have also yelled at him for screwing me over. I have reached out to every apartment complex o can afford in an hour radius in every direction of my job. And no go. Craigslist and Facebook rentals have been no help as well. I am now feeling my life is crumbling and not sure what to do. My aunt is 4 hours from my job and won’t be pleasable for me to stay there. All of my belongings are now 4 hours away. Aunt can’t pay my bills for me while I am out of work so I am still screwed. I’m starting to hate myself.

Ladysadie

You are stronger than you know. You might want to pine away for this guy but you'll get more of the same shoddy treatment down the road. Relationships are always the best in the beginning and if this is his "A" game, geez.... if I were you (and I'm not) I'd go back home and reconnoiter my life plan. Get your act together, make no man-plans but live fully as a single person. You may be pleasantly surprised what your life opens up to. So many possibilities.

Slaytheday24

I don’t really have a home to go back to. Been living with roommates for years and struggled. Living with him was supposed to save money. So I jumped on it naively. I really loved him too. And I want to hate him but I love him so much. It sucks.