RainingButtons

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. An elderly lady I care for once a week had a bad fall and I spent the day in A&E with her. She had a fractured pelvis and was very distressed and stubborn, refusing all medical treatment and even lighting up a cigarette in defiance. I was alone with her trying to cope as her family all live 400 miles away, so I called my AH for support. He came out to the hospital and stayed an hour and we had to leave her there - it was awful she was pleading with me to take her home but she couldn’t walk. Anyway we got home and my mum was waiting (looked after the kids) and she handed me a glass of wine told me to sit in the sunshine and try to relax as I was so upset. I reluctantly did take the wine but ended up not finishing it because by this point I had a massive headache. (Should I have said no?) AH on the other hand took this as a green light to go get a four pack of beers from the off licence. Declaring he too was stressed. I didn’t say anything to him but I removed myself from the garden and went to watch tv. The usual way this scenario would go is that after the beer (which he drank all 4 in an hour) he would progress into liquor. BUT he didn’t? He made a coffee and that was it! I’m very confused. Is it possible that an alcoholic has this much resolve after drinking already? Sorry if I’m rambling ... my head is all over the place and I sometimes doubt myself and wonder if it’s all just me over reacting 😢

Seren

Hello buttons! Well, I have read here that many alcoholics can go for short periods of time without drinking if the need arises (the situation demands no drinking). That doesn't mean that they are or are not alcoholics. Time will tell, and 4 beers in one hour is a lot to me.

I am sorry you had a bad day!

PeacefulWater12

Speaking from my A perspective, this correct, we can. When I did it occasionally when the need arose, I found it agonising. Mentally and physically.

With my Al-anon hat on, I wanted to empress my support for this difficult situation you are in.

Please take care of yourself with kindness.

OpheliaKatz

Rainingbuttons, my AH could moderate if he felt he had something to prove. It never lasted long with him. If he felt it was more "rewarding" to drink/drug, he would stop moderating and get back on the crazy-train. Everyone is different and time will tell.

FeelingGreat

Hi RB, many As can moderate over short or even long periods. I've known some to give up drinking for a month.
Try not to sweat this. Time will reveal all.

Maudcat

Sounds really stressful, RB. Hoping for thest best for your elderly charge, but a fractured pelvis is no joke. Expect she will be laid up indefinitely.
My mom is 92, and I live in fear that she will fall and break something.
That will be a game changer.
As to the moderating thing? Time will tell.

August252015

Thanks for sharing and that sounds like a really rough situation.

Speaking as the Alcoholic here - the simple answer to your question is no, he (I) cannot moderate. I might even go so far as to say that it's never actually moderating- it's plain drinking. An alcoholic - at least one like me, who was so far beyond that "heavy drinking state" that the BB describes as the last stop before full blown alcoholism- simply must be completely sober in order to then begin a life in recovery.

Without getting into a tussle over semantics, I think you know the answer to your question. Best to you for continuing your recovery as the spouse, and for your friend who is hurt. And - to your husband for his ultimate sobriety.

tomsteve

i personally wouldnt call that moderating either. im seeing it as that was all that was available at the moment. if it had been a 12 pack........
that would have been my way anyways- any time i "cut back" or "moderated" it didnt last long. usually when the heat on me was turned down i was back at it and progressively worse.

August252015

I would also add, as the child of an alcoholic, that there is always hope that the nightmare of living and loving an alcoholic will just STOP. That it's the last time or period of "moderation," and their alcoholism will be "done." I found that, like I said above, my only possibility of recovery in my relationship with my mother was when she finally quit drinking for good....and that came well after various one drinks here, a couple there such instances or short phases that I ALWAYS knew were going on even if I confronted her or tried to convince myself it was really OK.

Just my add'l $0.02.

Hawkeye13

For me, moderation has always been unpredictble and progresses again if I keep trying to do it more than a month or two.

Lots of time we drinkers try to "impress" our spouse, friends or ourselves that we have changed and can now handle our booze.

It seems to be an illusion for nearly everyone.

atalose

He made a coffee and that was it! I’m very confused. Is it possible that an alcoholic has this much resolve after drinking already?

I think this is why learning as much as you can about alcoholism and alcoholic behavior is so important. Educating ourselves is our best tool. Once we know and understand the “facts” there’s no more confusion except where our denial kicks in.

RollTide

More will be revealed.

hopeful4

My XAH certainly could do so, he just could not sustain that for any length of time.

So sorry for your day, I hope today is better.

SmallButMighty

Exactly the same experience for me/him. ( And for many, if not most of us/them I'd wager)



I also hope you have a less stressful day today.

hugs

trailmix

Well if we take the sugar coating off.

- No, there is no reason for you to turn down the glass of wine if you wanted it, you are not your AHs keeper.

- He saw an opportunity and jumped all over it and drank 4 beers in an hour, that's a lot of beer in an hour! You are probably used to those amounts having lived with an alcoholic for so long but regular drinkers don't drink like that, nothing "moderate" about that.

- Your Mom was there so perhaps he didn't want to continue drinking and look bad?

- He said he is quitting, doesn't want to drink anymore but that's just not true, not at all, he hasn't quit and he does want to drink.

- Anyone, alcoholics included, can moderate drinking when it's required, sometimes it's probably even preferable, 4 beers, fast buzz, then just sit with that for a while. Doesn't mean anything in the long term.

Sorry you had such a horrible day.

aliciagr

Time will tell in regards to his drinking.

Im sorry you had to deal with the situation at the hospital, sounded like it was very emotional. Your husband does get a thumbs up from me for coming to support you during that difficult time. (Support like that is something I feel we should be able to expect from a spouse)

firebolt

I'd be off my face if I had 4 beers in an hour. I think you're reading too much into it, and who knows if he was drinking anything else along the way with it. Hang in there, and take care of yourself!!

I'm so sorry for your terrible day

RainingButtons

Thankyou for all the reply’s - yes time will tell...

So he’s been very upbeat today, very jovial, full of happy suggestions of what we should do etc oh and ever so helpful ... he did some food shopping for me and managed to get himself another 4 pack of beer! So no he’s not stopped drinking. This will be the slippery slope back to the wine and spirits I fear...

Anyway on a positive note my old lady friend has accepted that she must stay in hospital and has had a more comfortable day, bless her.

I’ve been trying to be positive so am enjoying the sunshine, taking photos of my cats in the garden and I am going to make a homemade quiche for tea with salad.

Loving the support on this forum hugs to you all xx

FireSprite

No kidding!! Personally, I'd be tanked on 4 drinks in four hours!

Glad you are feeling better today! We've been on a quiche kick lately at home - I cheat & buy the frozen ones though, lol. DD likes the mini ones for breakfast & I like them for snacking at any time during the day. I never thought to try to make it from scratch but I bet she'd love that - she's into all kinds of culinary challenges these days. Thanks for the inspiration!

Sleepyhollo

Yes they can moderate when they have to.....but it won’t last. 4 beers in an hour is a lot, less than what he’s used to doing therefore it seems better. Kind of like with childhood obesity....these days there are so many overweight kids that normal weight kids are considered too skinny and overweight kids are seen as normal, even though they really are not..

My RAH would quit for a while and start drinking socially. It never lasted. Plus, is what you saw really all he drank? At home no one ever saw my H drink but in the mean time he was drinking a liter of hard liquor on most nights. Often he would not drink if he was on call but by the time his drinking spun out of control that would go by the wayside too.

Like someone else said, get educated on addiction because it will all become much more clear to you. Also read codependent no more. I wish I would’ve been a lot more éducated on addiction well before he ever quit. It may have changed some of my decision making.

And even though my H has been clean for 1.5 years I am not giving up my alcohol. Not even when he is there. I don’t drink at home alone ever because I just don’t enjoy that but I’m not gonna stop something I enjoy because he can’t have it. When we go up to dinner I usually order just one drink because I have no desire to drink more than that unless I’m hanging out with my friends.

My H has said that a lot of alcoholics go to AA to learn how to control their drinking. That unfortunately is not an option. And they won’t stay clean until,they come to the realization that they cannot moderate their drinking.