AH is in rehab
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AH is in rehab
My husband is in a 30 day inpatient rehab. He filed for divorce about 2 months ago after he said I told him to leave. Yesterday he told me that he would like to work on our marriage and cancel the divorce. We are having a couple therapy sessions this weekend. My dad helps us both out financially with rent. My dad told me that he feels uneasy how my husband and his family handled the divorce, and that he wants us to move forward with the divorce, and that we can always try living together again, but that he wants me to have the divorce. My husband pleaded for my dad’s blessing but my dad did not budge. Now my husband is saying that at least he has not lost me yet and that’s all that matters. Does anyone have any feedback on this situation? Will it be odd to work on our relationship even though we are getting divorced?
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Its so hard to know what to do, especially when you're being pulled in different directions. Your dad might be helping with rent, but why is he involved in any way in your decision to go through with the divorce? I believe our parents are usually much wiser than we are. They have more life experience and they generally know us pretty well. Other than giving careful consideration to your dads advice, this should be between you and your husband. No one else is in your marriage but the two of you. If your dad decides to take away monetary help if you don't go through with the divorce, then so be it. After all, you aren't married to your dad. It comes right down to what's more important to you. What do YOU want? And you can always put the divorce procedding on hold. Then restart it if you want. Its not set in concrete and it will give you time to decide what YOU want.
Originally Posted by FreedomCA 
My husband is in a 30 day inpatient rehab. He filed for divorce about 2 months ago after he said I told him to leave. Yesterday he told me that he would like to work on our marriage and cancel the divorce. We are having a couple therapy sessions this weekend. My dad helps us both out financially with rent. My dad told me that he feels uneasy how my husband and his family handled the divorce, and that he wants us to move forward with the divorce, and that we can always try living together again, but that he wants me to have the divorce. My husband pleaded for my dad’s blessing but my dad did not budge. Now my husband is saying that at least he has not lost me yet and that’s all that matters. Does anyone have any feedback on this situation? Will it be odd to work on our relationship even though we are getting divorced?
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I suppose it comes down to what you want.
In AA it's suggested not to make any permanent or important decisions in early days of recovery, which you are yourself. And if you're uncertain about whether or not you want a divorce then it seems sensible to hold fire.
Does your father know about your drinking and blackouts etc as well as your husband's? I know that I'd be loath to share the grimmer details of my own alcoholic drinking with my parents as it would hurt them. Thing is, if that's the case your dad isn't really able to be the best judge of things. He may well think that you only drank because of your husband (which is never the case - alcoholics choose to drink because that always seems the best, most instant and most comfortable solution to things in the shirt term). Maybe there is even a part of you that believes that as well.
As alcoholics we can have a tendency to want everything dealt with NOW. Instantly. But this may just be one of those things that needs some time for you and your husband to work on your respective recoveries and make a more informed decision when you're both more able to do so confidently.
What are the disadvantages to putting the divorce on pause, but remaining seperate for a while so you can both get some healthy sobriety and tools for sober living sorted?
BB
In AA it's suggested not to make any permanent or important decisions in early days of recovery, which you are yourself. And if you're uncertain about whether or not you want a divorce then it seems sensible to hold fire.
Does your father know about your drinking and blackouts etc as well as your husband's? I know that I'd be loath to share the grimmer details of my own alcoholic drinking with my parents as it would hurt them. Thing is, if that's the case your dad isn't really able to be the best judge of things. He may well think that you only drank because of your husband (which is never the case - alcoholics choose to drink because that always seems the best, most instant and most comfortable solution to things in the shirt term). Maybe there is even a part of you that believes that as well.
As alcoholics we can have a tendency to want everything dealt with NOW. Instantly. But this may just be one of those things that needs some time for you and your husband to work on your respective recoveries and make a more informed decision when you're both more able to do so confidently.
What are the disadvantages to putting the divorce on pause, but remaining seperate for a while so you can both get some healthy sobriety and tools for sober living sorted?
BB
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PW12......lol...I will be the 4th person asking..."What do YOU want?"
You mentioned what your husband wants and what your father wants...but, didn't mention what you want.
As for your father...this is how I look at it.....he has every right to have his opinion on it (we all have an opinion)....and a right to express it--after all if you accept his money...then it is only fair. at least, to listen, to his opinion.
But, that doesn't mean that you have to do what he suggests (if you don't want to). lol...All parents get an opinion...but, they don't get the final vote.
You mentioned what your husband wants and what your father wants...but, didn't mention what you want.
As for your father...this is how I look at it.....he has every right to have his opinion on it (we all have an opinion)....and a right to express it--after all if you accept his money...then it is only fair. at least, to listen, to his opinion.
But, that doesn't mean that you have to do what he suggests (if you don't want to). lol...All parents get an opinion...but, they don't get the final vote.
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while reading your post,freedom, i was thinking," all this talk of what THEY want and nothing about the most important person in the equation."
and i wasnt the only one thinkin similar.
on this:
Now my husband is saying that at least he has not lost me yet and that’s all that matters.
in HIS world all that matters is he hasnt lost you yet.
not even lookin at what matters in YOUR world.
this is ALL about what YOU want,freedom.
do YOU want to work on the marriage?
and i wasnt the only one thinkin similar.
on this:
Now my husband is saying that at least he has not lost me yet and that’s all that matters.
in HIS world all that matters is he hasnt lost you yet.
not even lookin at what matters in YOUR world.
this is ALL about what YOU want,freedom.
do YOU want to work on the marriage?
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Sounds like you want to please both men in your life and are stuck in not knowing how to do that.
Instead of trying to please either one of them, please yourself FIRST, what do you want to do.
With your dad paying your rent you both are very dependent on him. Will that be a factor in your decision? Will dad stop the support if you stay with your alcoholic husband? Why can’t the both of you be independent and support yourselves?
Your husband has a very long road ahead of him. He has to learn a whole new way of coping in life otherwise he’ll be right back to where he was. Panic, moods swings, irrational judgement and thinking are all in play here. His thinking is not clear, he’s running off emotions which are unstable in this very early recovery process and no major decision either way should be made by either one of you.
Why does it have to be all or nothing right now. Why not separate and give each other space and time to each work on your own issues.
Instead of trying to please either one of them, please yourself FIRST, what do you want to do.
With your dad paying your rent you both are very dependent on him. Will that be a factor in your decision? Will dad stop the support if you stay with your alcoholic husband? Why can’t the both of you be independent and support yourselves?
Your husband has a very long road ahead of him. He has to learn a whole new way of coping in life otherwise he’ll be right back to where he was. Panic, moods swings, irrational judgement and thinking are all in play here. His thinking is not clear, he’s running off emotions which are unstable in this very early recovery process and no major decision either way should be made by either one of you.
Why does it have to be all or nothing right now. Why not separate and give each other space and time to each work on your own issues.
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I’ll take this day by day. My dad also does know about my alcoholic drinking and blackouts during the marriage. He also knows that I was trying to get sober for the majority of the marriage by going to AA while my husband was actively using and not being supportive and making fun of my involvement in AA. My husband apologized for this yesterday, and my recovery already seems so much easier and doable with my husband’s sobriety and support now of the program.
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I forgot to mention in my original post that a huge reason why my dad wanted the divorce to go through is because my husband made the divorce process very adversarial, whereas we were being amicable and cooperative. It was a huge turnoff for both my dad and me. For example, even though my husband makes double what I make, he checked the box asking for alimony from me. My husband soon learned that he would not get most of what he asked for. So even I am now skeptical of my husband and in a way lost some trust in him. So it wasn’t really all about the addiction issue.
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Originally Posted by FreedomCA
I forgot to mention in my original post that a huge reason why my dad wanted the divorce to go through is because my husband made the divorce process very adversarial, whereas we were being amicable and cooperative. It was a huge turnoff for both my dad and me. For example, even though my husband makes double what I make, he checked the box asking for alimony from me. My husband soon learned that he would not get most of what he asked for. So even I am now skeptical of my husband and in a way lost some trust in him. So it wasn’t really all about the addiction issue.
That said, there is obviously a business dynamic in all this and maybe that's the truth. Marriage is called a "contract" for a reason. Aside from the white dress and the ribbons and the champagne, it is a legally binding contract.
Maybe at this point the question that needs to be answered is do you want to have a legally binding financial contract with your Husband?
That's aside from whether you decide to work on the relationship or not, I think.
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i wouldn't base any life decisions off what someone in rehab said on any given day.
as others have said.....what do YOU want? your dad isn't your boss, your husband isn't your boss, YOU are your own boss. they may have opinions, and your father may even be providing financial support, but that does not change the fact that you are an adult and this is your life.
as others have said.....what do YOU want? your dad isn't your boss, your husband isn't your boss, YOU are your own boss. they may have opinions, and your father may even be providing financial support, but that does not change the fact that you are an adult and this is your life.
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Does anyone have any feedback on this situation? Will it be odd to work on our relationship even though we are getting divorced?
If the two of you want to work on your relationship then I think this is all that really matters. I think the decision to continue with the divorce should be made by you and your husband ultimately. What do you want? If you want to put it on hold while you work on the marriage, something that has helped me navigate things with my own parents in different situations - showing them that I have a plan in place, a timeframe, and set goals.. So if you wanted to postpone the divorce then maybe give it a timeframe like 30-90 days, do some marriage counseling, family therapy together and re-evaluate all the issues that were driving you apart.
If the two of you want to work on your relationship then I think this is all that really matters. I think the decision to continue with the divorce should be made by you and your husband ultimately. What do you want? If you want to put it on hold while you work on the marriage, something that has helped me navigate things with my own parents in different situations - showing them that I have a plan in place, a timeframe, and set goals.. So if you wanted to postpone the divorce then maybe give it a timeframe like 30-90 days, do some marriage counseling, family therapy together and re-evaluate all the issues that were driving you apart.
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One thing our marriage counselor told us that really helped me was each of us got to decide each day whether or not we wanted to be married. Though we took vows, that did not have to be the only time we decided if the marriage was for us.
I found myself checking in on that regularly through the rest of our marriage and his cycles of relapse & recovery. Eventually the days I didn’t want to be married outnumbered the days I did and was one of the many factors that went into my decision to divorce.
As others have said, the most important opinion for you is your own.
I found myself checking in on that regularly through the rest of our marriage and his cycles of relapse & recovery. Eventually the days I didn’t want to be married outnumbered the days I did and was one of the many factors that went into my decision to divorce.
As others have said, the most important opinion for you is your own.
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I would like to stay married, especially since he is putting in such great recovery work. I am proud of him. I feel confident that I can protect my famiy’s assets during the marriage if for some reason it did not work in the future. The most important thing is that both my husband and I continue to be involved in our recoveries and support one another.
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I may have worded it too strongly. I think what my husband found out through my financial disclosure is that I was pretty good at keeping things separate because I always knew deep down that addicts marrying one another is high risk. I do think that he truly loves me. He really could not stop missing me. Even his family who dislike me told him that he seems miserable without me. And his drug and alcohol use increased a lot after we separated which caused him to take a leave from his job and go to rehab. He told me the other day that he thinks he would be in rehab forever without me. My financial security is just a perk of being with me.
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Originally Posted by FreedomCA
He told me the other day that he thinks he would be in rehab forever without me. My financial security is just a perk of being with me.
I think you deserve better!
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Redemptive Divorce
If your not sure at this time you could pause the divorce and work out a separation agreement.
If I were contemplating such an idea with his history I might suggest living apart for a year working on recovery individually. Joint counseling and iOp with drug testing.
In one year of that kind of commitment to saving the marriage will be all you need to know.
A year of serious recovery work will shine a light on a possible future with this guy... if he whines and manipulates I’d pull the trigger on the divorce... as has been stated you can always remarry someday....
If I were contemplating such an idea with his history I might suggest living apart for a year working on recovery individually. Joint counseling and iOp with drug testing.
In one year of that kind of commitment to saving the marriage will be all you need to know.
A year of serious recovery work will shine a light on a possible future with this guy... if he whines and manipulates I’d pull the trigger on the divorce... as has been stated you can always remarry someday....
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I was going to say something similar to what hopeworks said.
What I have learned about myself (I'm married to an alcoholic) is that when big changes happen (like rehab), all of my (supposedly) good life skills seem to diminish and I go right back to the default again. For me the default is I don't know what I want (I don't even know what I want to do with my garden, or what I have the energy to do on the weekend), I'm more worried about how people around me feel than how I feel, and I stop doing things to care for myself.
I think if I was in your shoes I know what I should do: go easy on myself, stop trying to force a solution, stop trying to please everyone, stop worrying about hurting anyone's feelings, let go (of my husband) and let God, think about my feelings, meditate every day, think about HALT every day, go to alanon, list what makes ME happy and do it every day. I know I can only follow my advice when I'm ready and able to but I have noticed that I'm a little bit stronger if I practice some of these things. If I'm not ready yet to take care of me I can think of fabulous excuses, that's why it needs to be my priority.
What I have learned about myself (I'm married to an alcoholic) is that when big changes happen (like rehab), all of my (supposedly) good life skills seem to diminish and I go right back to the default again. For me the default is I don't know what I want (I don't even know what I want to do with my garden, or what I have the energy to do on the weekend), I'm more worried about how people around me feel than how I feel, and I stop doing things to care for myself.
I think if I was in your shoes I know what I should do: go easy on myself, stop trying to force a solution, stop trying to please everyone, stop worrying about hurting anyone's feelings, let go (of my husband) and let God, think about my feelings, meditate every day, think about HALT every day, go to alanon, list what makes ME happy and do it every day. I know I can only follow my advice when I'm ready and able to but I have noticed that I'm a little bit stronger if I practice some of these things. If I'm not ready yet to take care of me I can think of fabulous excuses, that's why it needs to be my priority.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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My 2 cents...
Since you are both in a sober state, I would move forward with the divorce.,.. could be more amicable at this time than when one of you is active.
Then, start dating again with the help of family counseling...
Determine if this is truly the life you both want. If that is the case, remarry.... if not, you can both easily separate yourselves.
Finally, I know a couple that divorced over the wife's addiction... they dated again for 2 years thereafter... and finally remarried. They are a very happy couple and she has maintained her sobriety throughout the time...
In the end, the decision is yours... you have to decide what makes you happy.
Since you are both in a sober state, I would move forward with the divorce.,.. could be more amicable at this time than when one of you is active.
Then, start dating again with the help of family counseling...
Determine if this is truly the life you both want. If that is the case, remarry.... if not, you can both easily separate yourselves.
Finally, I know a couple that divorced over the wife's addiction... they dated again for 2 years thereafter... and finally remarried. They are a very happy couple and she has maintained her sobriety throughout the time...
In the end, the decision is yours... you have to decide what makes you happy.
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