hopeful4

Hello friends.

I have an 18 year old child who will soon graduate high school and go to college. She will be living with me.

I am struggling w/her right now. I have a relative staying w/me for a big until they are able to find a house. Yes, it's stressful. Yes, we have to move cars and be considerate of each other. It's also temporary for another month or two at the most.

I have always raised my children (or tried), to be considerate and understanding people. Last night child says to me that relative has made her mad, it's getting on her nerves, and she should not have to do all of this in her house.

I was shocked to say the least. It's my house, and my family is welcome there for as long as I deem fit. My child is able to stay in her big spacious room, and does not often share the bathroom either. I have provided for her financially for everything she has. I have been the one who is there for her for EVERYTHING, and now she is acting like an ungracious brat.

I know she has been speaking to her father on a regular basis who loves nothing but to talk crap about me and my family. I can see she is feeding into that a bit.

I just feel run down and upset by all of this. This is not who I thought I raised.

Any advise or words of encouragement are appreciated. Please be kind, I am feeling pretty down about all of this already.

FireSprite

(((Hugs)))) Did you tell her all of that hopeful? Especially the ungracious brat part? She's old enough to hear these truths just like she's old enough to be accountable for her behaviors and words.

qtpi

Might be getting swayed by her father and taking it out on you.I speak from experience. My situation has still not resolved. Hugs!!! No advice just hugs!!!

Gm0824

Hugs friend. You DID raise your children to know what being a considerate, understanding compassionate adult looks like. Now that I am a parent, I look back on things I said/did to my parents and feel like a complete ungracious brat! I think we all do at some point. Try not to take it personal, she hasn't unlearned any values you have taught her and she is not saying she does not appreciate all that you have done for her ... I know her words feel like that is what she said. Like you said, it's your house and this is what healthy families do to help each other in their time of need. Even if she is put out for a bit, she will live through it ... and so will you! I know at 18 my emotions were all over the place. Mine are younger so I don't have any advice. I know if my current self could talk to my 18 year old self, I would be asking what was really bothering me? Because it definitely shouldn't be helping my family or doing the right things. Do you have anything you can do to help you unwind and relax a little bit this week?

trailmix

As was said, try not to take it personally (I know that is so hard to do!).

Seems that young adults can behave like this from time to time. I think we expect them to be adult about some things and in fact they aren't quite there yet.

I went through something similar once (but times 10) and I remember just sitting there thinking - huh? I didn't even know how to respond to what amounted to accusations of not being there for them, because that is what it is really.

Do believe that you have raised a compassionate and loving child, this is a blip and one day she will see that and probably apologize or say something along the lines of, I don't know what I was thinking!

SmallButMighty

Teenage girls are horribly ungracious little brats. My daughter was a relatively good kid (all things considered) but she was still a pain in MY butt until she was 20, even then she had her moments. Now at 24 she is my best friend. I knew I raised her right, just had to tough out those rough bits for a few years.

I agree with the others that said she could be told she is being unreasonable. She is a young woman, perhaps she is a tad hormonal. It happens to the best of us... and sometimes we just need to be made aware of it.

Hang in there Mama... it gets better

hopeful4

Yes, I did tell her, and tried to say it in a constructive way. Stone cold silence is what I got, and she has barely spoken to me today. Normally I try to fix it, but today I am just worn out. Going to the gym tonight to try to build up some endorphins. I am just hurt and tired to be honest.

hopeful4

Thank you, I will take all the support I can get. She is definitely being swayed, but normally knows better. Ugh.

PuzzledHeart

I'm going to go a little against the grain here.

Did the relative do anything harmful or sleazy towards her?

When I was a teenager, my sociopathic cousin lived in our house. I couldn't put my finger on WHY, all I knew was that he was bad news. My gut was going into overdrive while everybody was telling me to nice.

Chances are, your relative hasn't done anything unseemly towards her, and your DD is just acting like a brat. But it might be worth asking the question, and even if she says everything is OK, just keep your guard up.

dandylion

Hopeful....I will share some random thoughts that I have on the subject....for wh at it is worth....either--that I have read or had some life experience with...

Thing No. 1.....At this age (late teens) the developmental "crisis" that comes is the one of Dependence vs. Independence. Everyone goes through it at some point...and, in fact...the more dependent or closer the child has been...the more intense this can be. It is a natural, wired-in pull to desire more independence...and yet, they are still (of course) dependent...The acting -out takes the form of great resentment of the dependence...and, they will take that resentment and criticism out on the parent...the very one who has been so good to them!! Still being young, they may not be able to verbalize this...but they feel the conflict, inside....and, in an immature way (which DOES come across as ungrateful, selfishness)...will "feel their oats" and flap their wings to show their power (I ndependence).....

Thing No. 2. I once had a conversation with a child psychiatrist on this subject...not about my own kids...who were out of the house...but, about teens in general...he said that (again, the dependence vs. independence thing) when they are preparing to leave the nest or separate, in some way--they will often relish conflict because this allows them to feel m ore separate from the parent or caretaker....

Thing No. 3....That one sign of healthy boundaries within a family is this--it is crystal clear who are the parents and who are the kids....It doesn't always have to be said...it is just understood that some things are the prerogative of the parent and others are of the children....and, these boundaries are firm and consistent...

I realize that this sounds very academic and theoretical....but, they are well supported by those who study human developmental psychology...(.If you have any interest, I can recommend a couple of textbooks that go into it in great detail).....

LOL...all of that being said---I think this is a great teaching opportunity for you...,Like the others have said...If I were you..I would take her aside, privately, and talk to her about the importance of family supporting family...that no man is an island and that we are all interdependent and have responsibilities to our fellow humans in need...yada; yada; yada....in other words, a lesson in values....And...a big And....You are the parent and provide the home and you have and will exercise the authority to make the decisions about who lives there....and, all decision are final.
LOl...I suspect she might try to get argumentative and flap her wings...but, that would be the time to stay as cool as a cucumber but, remind her that she has the privilege of a nice big room (which less than 1 0r 2 percent of the children of the world have...and that you understand her irritations but that you expect her to keep them Pivate and suck them up...in the privacy of her large room. Making sure not to move on that boundary.
Here is where I think the sticky wicket will come in, for you. To realize that she is not an extention of you...a nd, that this is, in no way, an indictment of your parenting....It is just a natural learning/teaching opportunity for the both of you.....She is a member of the family..and, as such, there are certain expectations...family values...that she is expected to uphold....

For you---you are the Captain of the ship. I suggest t hat you don't l et her see you agonize over her "brat" reactions....stay cool and calm and FIRM...because that is when she will feel more secure in the boundaries....
You do not want the tail wagging the dog....

Hopeful4...I don't know if any of this blathering is of help for you...but, there it is...take an of it that helps...

RainingButtons

I can sympathise I have an almost 18 year old also just finishing A level and living at home with a huge bedroom all to herself. Teenage girls are pretty selfish generally - I know mine are good kids but wouldn’t think to volounteer to clean up or put some laundry away unless I ask! My dd brings her boyfriend round for tea several times a week and they raid the freezer cooking pizza and salmon and drinking all the pop! They just don’t think about others on the house it’s off thier radar. It’s something I think they just go through to push the boundaries with us as parents. I don’t think she’s a bad kid for saying that about your relative just being a normal selfish teen. Hopefully she’s had a think about what you said and feels bad x

dandylion

hepeful4....stone cold silence....No problem. that just gives you more free time...away from the caretaking. Let her stay mad until she gets glad. Nobody can stay mad forever...
(the silent treatment can become a tool of manipulation, if you let it)...just go whistling down the lane and ignore it...would be my suggestion....

aliciagr

. Last night child says to me that relative has made her mad, it's getting on her nerves, and she should not have to do all of this in her house.

To me this sounds a little bit like your daughter expressing healthy boundaries for her needs. (Even if she cant change the situation, frustration can build and she turned that on you?) I understand this is your home, you pay for it and make the rules. Having a relative come to live in your home for 2-3 months could be challenging for anyone. Your relationship with the relative might be very different than your daughters?

Im wondering in advance to this decision did you discuss the relative moving in, discuss what difficulties it might present? Discuss what boundaries might be put in place to minimize the discomfort for all? And did you also ask what the relative was doing to make her mad? and what specifically was getting on her nerves? Ive found often when a person feels like they are being heard' and their feelings are being taken into account, then it makes resolving issues easier.

AND IM NOT SAYING YOU DIDNT DO THESE THINGS, but its not mentioned in the post so I have no idea what the dialogue was between you.

Also, if there was chaos in your home when your husband was there, and there was emphasis on boundaries and unacceptable behavior. Then he leaves and she feels a sense of calm in the home, then maybe this relative in her mind has broken that to an extent and she simply feels discomfort?

We all have to cope with discomfort, and cope with situations that are not always to our liking. So I think maybe this is a young adult who needs to work on her coping skills and apply them to all kinds of different situations in life?

Clover71

I'm sorry. And yes, it can be a very selfish age. I don't think I would try to fix it. Maybe the silence was her taking it all in and thinking about it. Hopefully that is the case

FireSprite

If this were me and it is just her being a bratty teen, I wouldn't worry about fixing it at all. Why should you? I'd remind her that she's the one creating her own discomfort by acting so selfishly & let her marinate in it for a bit. It'll pass.

dawnrising

My Mom used to tell me that's just God's way of making it easier on the momma to let go when they are getting ready to go to college. I think thats true. I started apologizing to my Mom a few times a year for my younger self after I turned 30. What can I say I'm a slow learner. I think the mommas in all of us are afraid we raised someone with a character defect but the truth is there isn't a teenager on earth that doesn't go thru this stage. You'll like her again at 25 and if your lucky maybe earlier.

Ladybird579

I had 4 teenage daughters ranging in age between 20 and 16 and I can tell you it wasn't pretty. They were awful at that age...3 especially. Exah didn't help. He whispered lies to them, made them feel entitled and acted like a big child himself so they had no adult male role model of how to behave. I was the boring one. The one who was the party pooper. 3 of then acted out all the time and have only wound their necks in now they have moved out and realised I had a point lol. My 4 boys were so different. Calmer and much more loving to me.

I do have friends to stay now. My two boys are mostly fine with it but I do have to have a chat about noise late at night with them occasionally and other issues. They are both 19 and they listen and try to be more considerate. We have never argued over it. I do put them first tho. A friend staying is great but it is their home. I did wonder if maybe your daughter does not like the relative you have staying? Teenagers are not noted for putting up with people they dislike being in "their territory."

Sasha1972

Isn't there science now about the teenage brain that indicates their brains are literally different from adult brains - they're impulsive and often egocentric because the wiring isn't finished growing yet? So I think it's far too soon to conclude that she's not considerate and caring or that you didn't raise her well.

In conflicts with kids, I think it's not so much what the conflict is about but how it's resolved that matters. So when Miss Eighteen complains about Mom's relative (who is also her relative) being in the house, does Mom flip out and yell at Miss Eighteen, or start trash-talking her father, or withdraw all her attention? No, Mom explains the situation rationally and goes to the gym to release the pent up irritation. What the kid takes away from that is that Mom is stable and reasonable and that conflicts won't threaten the relationship with Mom because she is strong enough to handle them.

I would bet dollars to doughnuts that Miss Eighteen doesn't get persnickety with Alcoholic Dad, because AD would lash out in some inappropriate way or withdraw his affection from her entirely.

FeelingGreat

I agree with all the previous posts about maturity, separation and the teen brain. When I read your post I also thought that as an introvert I'd be uneasy with visitors. Even if I like the people visiting, it takes away some of the total relaxation I feel when I walk into my home (refuge) after a day in the workforce. Combine that with student / college stress, and not being skilled at filtering emotions and you get this situation.

I wouldn't take it as a moral issue about your rights, gratitude etc. ; thoughtless, grumpy, entitled yes, but we all have weak moments.

Maybe if you'd reflected her feelings back 'you're annoyed about xxx' she might have just talked herself out of it. Easier said than done

atalose

I don’t think her behavior is any kind of reflection of you or how you raised her. I think it’s hormones, age and attempting independence. No doubt her talks with her father may feed her view of “life not being fair because of the current circumstance”. I think the best way to handle this is to not try to handle this. Let it go, ignore her negative behavior and go about your life.