Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Update
Hi wonderful people here at SR
It's been awhile since I posted. I've been back at school (teaching 7th graders) all while raising my two kiddos and I feel like I haven't had a second to breathe.
I wanted to give a little update to my situation. I left my AH over the summer, so it now has been 9 months since we've been separated. You guys... I LOVE having my own place. My 12 yo dd and I have been decorating and getting little things to make it homey-- plants, crystals, essential oil diffusers, etc... This place is the most peaceful house on earth (the opposite of our previous situation, which was chaos, chaos, chaos all the time).
The downside is that my new place is on the same street as our old place, where AH still lives. The idea is that it would be good for the kids and less disruptive to have both of their parents in their lives without too many complications.
Also, he drives them to school, which is great because it's impossible for me to do so. But that is the only time he sees the kids because they avoid him, which I think is sad but also inevitable.
For those who don't remember my situation, my AH is a nasty and abusive drunk. He doesn't pass out or soil himself or even appear very drunk, but he drinks all the time when he is home and unleashes into angry rages.
My kids avoid him because his idea of "discipline" is yelling "F--- you, a-hole" to them pretty much everyday. They are 12 and 9. But they still love him and defend him. They are learning to be very co-dependent by excusing his behavior. They do understand his behavior is largely due to his drinking and my son will sometimes go over to his house and pour all is booze down the drain. Still AH doesn't see that he has a problem.
My next move is, of course, the divorce, which I haven't pursued because of time, money and other factors. The kids are 98% with me except for morning drop-offs now and he does seem to be sober during that time, though I don't know for sure. I would also like a job that is less demanding time-wise so that I can take them to school myself.
I'm fairly certain that AH has, at this point, neurological damage due to drinking. His personality is all but gone now. He pretends to have a job by "going to business meetings," but it's clear he is just unemployed.
It's sad because he used to be really successful.
We have also pretty much lost our friend community. Our old friends no longer seek out our companionship because it's weird now and that makes me feel really lonely. It has also impacted the kids because they have lost friends too. Holidays have been very lonely since "it" happened. By "it" I mean my going back to work 60 hrs a week and him descending into full-blown alcoholism and unemployment.
I have been in survival mode for the past two years and I'm trying now to figure out who I am, who my friends are, what kind of life I can lead. It's a period of transition. I'm hoping I can rebuild a community, balance my work and family life, etc. As for him, he still lives in our old house, though we don't talk.
Anyway, I'm much happier without him. Everyday I don't get screamed at is a good day.
It's been awhile since I posted. I've been back at school (teaching 7th graders) all while raising my two kiddos and I feel like I haven't had a second to breathe.
I wanted to give a little update to my situation. I left my AH over the summer, so it now has been 9 months since we've been separated. You guys... I LOVE having my own place. My 12 yo dd and I have been decorating and getting little things to make it homey-- plants, crystals, essential oil diffusers, etc... This place is the most peaceful house on earth (the opposite of our previous situation, which was chaos, chaos, chaos all the time).
The downside is that my new place is on the same street as our old place, where AH still lives. The idea is that it would be good for the kids and less disruptive to have both of their parents in their lives without too many complications.
Also, he drives them to school, which is great because it's impossible for me to do so. But that is the only time he sees the kids because they avoid him, which I think is sad but also inevitable.
For those who don't remember my situation, my AH is a nasty and abusive drunk. He doesn't pass out or soil himself or even appear very drunk, but he drinks all the time when he is home and unleashes into angry rages.
My kids avoid him because his idea of "discipline" is yelling "F--- you, a-hole" to them pretty much everyday. They are 12 and 9. But they still love him and defend him. They are learning to be very co-dependent by excusing his behavior. They do understand his behavior is largely due to his drinking and my son will sometimes go over to his house and pour all is booze down the drain. Still AH doesn't see that he has a problem.
My next move is, of course, the divorce, which I haven't pursued because of time, money and other factors. The kids are 98% with me except for morning drop-offs now and he does seem to be sober during that time, though I don't know for sure. I would also like a job that is less demanding time-wise so that I can take them to school myself.
I'm fairly certain that AH has, at this point, neurological damage due to drinking. His personality is all but gone now. He pretends to have a job by "going to business meetings," but it's clear he is just unemployed.
It's sad because he used to be really successful.
We have also pretty much lost our friend community. Our old friends no longer seek out our companionship because it's weird now and that makes me feel really lonely. It has also impacted the kids because they have lost friends too. Holidays have been very lonely since "it" happened. By "it" I mean my going back to work 60 hrs a week and him descending into full-blown alcoholism and unemployment.
I have been in survival mode for the past two years and I'm trying now to figure out who I am, who my friends are, what kind of life I can lead. It's a period of transition. I'm hoping I can rebuild a community, balance my work and family life, etc. As for him, he still lives in our old house, though we don't talk.
Anyway, I'm much happier without him. Everyday I don't get screamed at is a good day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
What a great update for you and the kids!
I have been in survival mode for the past two years and I'm trying now to figure out who I am, who my friends are, what kind of life I can lead. It's a period of transition. I'm hoping I can rebuild a community, balance my work and family life, etc.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm really glad to hear that things have improved so much for you. I know how "survival mode" can feel never-ending, but even the fact of being in survival mode reminds me of what I have managed to escape from, if that makes sense. Things will just keep getting better for you!
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