Struggling today....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow. You are all a great lot of people, and so very perceptive! Each and every one of you are SPOT ON!!! Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for your input and perspective. It helps me so much, I knew I could reach out here to people who would give me honest and constructive feedback. Wow.
The relative moved in quickly without much warning due to a job situation. There was not enough talk about it ahead of time, and it is taking longer than we thought. Due to said job, we have had to change our schedules some at the house, and it has been stressful for everyone, including myself. Relative was correct in what was said to child, but child did not think it was relative's place to say what she said. Child holds grudges, for a long time. I did have a talk w/child, in a calm manner, that while family may do things you don't like, you calmly tell them that, and move forward. Calm conversation is what I was aiming for, and she wanted no part of that.
Our home did become much more peaceful once their father left. That is being put to the test a little bit right now. However for me, it's nice. Relative is my PERSON. The one I go to, the one I am close to and have been my entire life, who loves my children like their own. If my child does not like that, I guess it's sort of tough. I am forming my own boundaries here. Relative would never do anything to hurt child, ever. I know this with 100% certainty. It is simply that relative said some things that child did not want to hear.
I have ALWAYS put my children's wants/needs in front of my own. I am beginning to do some things for me that are healthy and happy. My younger child encourages this. My older child says she does, but honestly, her actions say otherwise. To be fair, she is going through a rough time with some other things unrelated to our household, and we all know how that goes. She knows I unconditionally love her. That means, you get the best, and the worst, of that person.
Yes, her dad is whispering in her ear. She would NEVER act this way to him as he would put up with it for approximately 1.5 seconds. He is not a safe person for her at all, but she wishes he was. I wish he was as well, but reality is reality.
I have decided to form my boundaries and let it go until we are in counseling. That may be a bit b/c child's counselor is out on a medical leave for a few weeks. (Talk about horrible timing). Things may resolve themselves. Things may not. Either way, I am going to stick to my boundaries and let child do her thing. She can form her boundaries as well, but she will respect that I own my house, and I make the rules. Like it or not. Believe me, I am lenient and understanding. I listen to my child. I am close w/her. My boundaries are nothing she should not be able to respect, and if not, that is her choice. However, she will or she will have to be elsewhere. That's reality in life.
I am feeling stronger today. I am excited about some things I have coming up and am going to make the most of these events and not dwell on negative. Onward!
Thank you all again, you are also my people, and I cannot tell you how much that means to me!
The relative moved in quickly without much warning due to a job situation. There was not enough talk about it ahead of time, and it is taking longer than we thought. Due to said job, we have had to change our schedules some at the house, and it has been stressful for everyone, including myself. Relative was correct in what was said to child, but child did not think it was relative's place to say what she said. Child holds grudges, for a long time. I did have a talk w/child, in a calm manner, that while family may do things you don't like, you calmly tell them that, and move forward. Calm conversation is what I was aiming for, and she wanted no part of that.
Our home did become much more peaceful once their father left. That is being put to the test a little bit right now. However for me, it's nice. Relative is my PERSON. The one I go to, the one I am close to and have been my entire life, who loves my children like their own. If my child does not like that, I guess it's sort of tough. I am forming my own boundaries here. Relative would never do anything to hurt child, ever. I know this with 100% certainty. It is simply that relative said some things that child did not want to hear.
I have ALWAYS put my children's wants/needs in front of my own. I am beginning to do some things for me that are healthy and happy. My younger child encourages this. My older child says she does, but honestly, her actions say otherwise. To be fair, she is going through a rough time with some other things unrelated to our household, and we all know how that goes. She knows I unconditionally love her. That means, you get the best, and the worst, of that person.
Yes, her dad is whispering in her ear. She would NEVER act this way to him as he would put up with it for approximately 1.5 seconds. He is not a safe person for her at all, but she wishes he was. I wish he was as well, but reality is reality.
I have decided to form my boundaries and let it go until we are in counseling. That may be a bit b/c child's counselor is out on a medical leave for a few weeks. (Talk about horrible timing). Things may resolve themselves. Things may not. Either way, I am going to stick to my boundaries and let child do her thing. She can form her boundaries as well, but she will respect that I own my house, and I make the rules. Like it or not. Believe me, I am lenient and understanding. I listen to my child. I am close w/her. My boundaries are nothing she should not be able to respect, and if not, that is her choice. However, she will or she will have to be elsewhere. That's reality in life.
I am feeling stronger today. I am excited about some things I have coming up and am going to make the most of these events and not dwell on negative. Onward!
Thank you all again, you are also my people, and I cannot tell you how much that means to me!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I have ALWAYS put my children's wants/needs in front of my own. I am beginning to do some things for me that are healthy and happy. My younger child encourages this. My older child says she does, but honestly, her actions say otherwise. To be fair, she is going through a rough time with some other things unrelated to our household, and we all know how that goes. She knows I unconditionally love her. That means, you get the best, and the worst, of that person.
She's definitely finding it easier to throw attitude at you that she wouldn't even consider with her dad because you're the "safe" parent..... but wait now, mom's changed the dance steps & I'm cool with that UNTIL it affects me. Kinda normal, really.
She's also very used to you jumping in & fixing it so don't be afraid to verbalize this change too - that was then, this is now. Not only is Mama getting stronger, but Baby Bird has to learn to fly before gravity wins because she never learned to fly on her own.
You're handling this beautifully, IMO.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Thank you FS!
You are right. I am trying to give her more responsibilities and let her fly. She is going to college soon, and needs to be more independent than she has been. She had some health issues last year, coupled w/her issues from our divorce, has made me more overprotective and involved than I think I should have been. Lesson learned (kid #2, it will be different for you)!
It's nice to hear this is sort of normal. I have a bad habit of making everything a big catastrophe that it does not have to be.
I appreciate you friend!!!
You are right. I am trying to give her more responsibilities and let her fly. She is going to college soon, and needs to be more independent than she has been. She had some health issues last year, coupled w/her issues from our divorce, has made me more overprotective and involved than I think I should have been. Lesson learned (kid #2, it will be different for you)!
It's nice to hear this is sort of normal. I have a bad habit of making everything a big catastrophe that it does not have to be.
I appreciate you friend!!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Ladybird579 
I did wonder to if this is a case of simple jealousy cos this relative is your person?
"You put my needs ahead of Dad & You, will you do it here with this person too?"
My Codie Mom - MINE! I'm the only one allowed to be spoiled/indulged in these ways!!
Even if it's just 10% of what she's feeling, it'll be like rocket fuel for her behavior. Makes total psychological sense in a crazy way.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Yes, and to be honest, it could very well be. If that is the case, I hope it's something she works out in counseling or with wisdom/age. If not, it will be her burden to carry, and that is a shame.
It's a shame to say, but she has been indulged/spoiled to a point. On another front, she is a wonderful kid. Responsible, hard working, a kind person. My children are the only grandchildren, and the grandparents definitely love to spoil them, but only to an extent.
It's a shame to say, but she has been indulged/spoiled to a point. On another front, she is a wonderful kid. Responsible, hard working, a kind person. My children are the only grandchildren, and the grandparents definitely love to spoil them, but only to an extent.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Don't take it personal. Teenagers haven't changed one bit. Not from when we were teens until now. Most are ungrateful brats at one time or another.
I know I was and so was my son. LOL
Just keep standing your ground.
My son is now 24 yrs old, self-sufficient and making his own way through life. I am very proud of him. We went through A LOT raising him. It was NOT easy.
I remember when he was 16 he said, "Why am I the ONLY ONE to do anything around here!" Really?! LOL and he told me he was being treated like a "slave" for having to do chores (unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, etc.).
I laugh about it now, but back then? I wanted to put him through a wall.
I know I was and so was my son. LOL
Just keep standing your ground.
My son is now 24 yrs old, self-sufficient and making his own way through life. I am very proud of him. We went through A LOT raising him. It was NOT easy.
I remember when he was 16 he said, "Why am I the ONLY ONE to do anything around here!" Really?! LOL and he told me he was being treated like a "slave" for having to do chores (unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, etc.).
I laugh about it now, but back then? I wanted to put him through a wall.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by Learning14
I remember when he was 16 he said, "Why am I the ONLY ONE to do anything around here!" Really?! LOL and he told me he was being treated like a "slave" for having to do chores (unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, etc.).
I'm glad THOSE days are in the rear view!
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