WifeofAddict25

Hi RescueBird,

I have the exact same situation and questions. My AH is in Sober Living after 45 days of IP rehab. I told him when he was leaving rehab I would give him a fixed amount of money and he would need to decide how to spend it until he got a job. He is also broke. Today, AH asked me for more money to pay for another two weeks of his Sober Living. I told him no; that I was clear when he left rehab what my financial boundaries were and I have helped him as much as I possibly can, and I myself could use some financial help! I am paying our mortgage and all our house bills.

His first reaction was typical for someone who has only been sober for two months. He deflected, he yelled, he got sidetracked and yelled about other stuff, he admitted his own faults while he was yelling (an improvement!), and he threatened me by saying if I couldn't share our marital money (all of which I earn) with him he would call his family and ask for money and not come back home to visit me for "a very long time." Basically, he was a 35 year old acting like he was 12.

I held my ground and said, "You need to solve this problem for yourself." We have a spare room in our house and I said he can crash in it as long as he follows the same rules he has in SL, and that once he finds a job or has money, he can go back into Sober Living.

But honestly, I think that was the wrong decision. I think the thing I should have said is, "You are on your own and I have done all I can for you. You cannot come home now because I am still recovering and you need to find your way." I felt guilty because I was thinking that AH has a disease and if my husband had cancer, would we be having a conversation about whether I would help him with care?

But alcoholism is a different animal.
So, I am in the same boat with you and do not want to impede my AH's recovery or progress but I also cannot give him any more money. By now, for example, he should have applied for unemployment, and he has not. He could be doing more to earn money. I mean he could walk dogs, anything for Pete's sake. And he will not. He only applies for higher level jobs that will be difficult for him to get. Especially quickly.

So, I am reading the responses to your post along with you. Thanks for sharing your questions. You helped me. I need to figure out a way to let AH experience the full consequences of his choices.

Advice welcome. Cheap Sober Living in our area is $800-1,000 per month and I just do not have that to give to him. But we do have a lovely spare room and I am fine giving him space and leaving him be and working on myself. But is that making things too easy for him? Sounds like it is...
Thanks all. Be strong, RescueBird.
WOA

FeelingGreat

hi Wife of Addict, might we worth starting a separate thread for your very relevant questions so you can get more input.

I don't have specific advice, but my mother was a great worrier about her immediate family and none of us found it really helped us, but did make us feel that she didn't have faith in our ability to work things out ourselves. I've carried that thought forward with my own children.

My dd is going through some tough times with a significant life change, and I've told her I have faith in her ability to cope. And I do. Its a fine line between robbing people of their independence and problem solving skills, and supporting them emotionally or even financially which can be appropriate at times.

I know that when I've been a bit needy at various times and others haven't bought in to my problems it's helped me work them out for myself. Afterwards I've felt stronger and proud of myself.

Berrybean

Yes that's true, stop feeling terrible for not shielding him from his responsibilities.

And no, you should not be doing more for him. Recovery is about learning to deal with life on life's terms using the new tools that sobriety and recovery gifts us. If people do things for us we don't get a chance to build our sober muscles up.

Is he continuing to work on his recovery (AA or similar)? If yes, then he will be getting plenty of the kind of support he really needs and will be fine given time. This part of the path might be a bit rocky and hard to travel but each part of the journey is training ground for the road ahead and we need to DO it.

BB