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Thinking of Divorce Even Tho AH is Sober and Committed to Recovery



Thinking of Divorce Even Tho AH is Sober and Committed to Recovery

Old 03-09-2018, 06:14 PM
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Thinking of Divorce Even Tho AH is Sober and Committed to Recovery

Hi friends,

For the last 38 days, since my AH of 5 months went into IP treatment, you all, my therapist and Al-Anon have been saving my life! Thank you! I posted on here just about three or four weeks ago freaking out because my AH (we were then married only 3 months) had written me a letter from detox saying he was thinking of going into Sober Living after IP treatment for 6 months or more. I was asking you all how the frack a marriage is supposed to survive that amount of time apart, etc. You were so helpful!

I’m happy to report my perspective has totally changed. My AH seems to be doing as well as possible in IP and it’s been a miracle to see him sober for the first time since I’ve known him as well as to see him start to take responsibility for himself. In addition, the time my AH has been away, I view now as my OWN recovery time!

Wow— was I wrapped up in a codependent drama with my AH. I didn’t realize just how sick I myself had gotten from almost three years of being around him— and even having 38 days away from him— I still feel sick and like I’m detoxing from his disease. Even with exercise, friends, family, therapy, work, Al-Anon, etc. I am still more tired than normal and realize I’ve got depression from years of dealing with his outrageous behavior and emotional manipulation/abuse.

But at least these 38 days have given me a glimpse at getting my own health back as well as a sense of what I want in a marriage.

It’s sad to say, but I am contemplating divorce; EVEN though my AH is in IP now, has stayed there willingly for 38 days, and plans to go into sober housing for at least six months. At his expense (I refuse to enable by paying). And EVEN though my AH says he loves me and wants our marriage to work.

Why divorce? Well, now that I am “sober,” I am starting to realize I want more out of a husband than he is able to give me now or possibly ever. For example, the other day, I asked AH on the phone if he would miss me while he was in sober living. He literally said “no.” He went on to say he’d be busy in sober living and recovery is a selfish time blah blah blah but you know what? I want a husband who is emotionally capable of saying he will miss me while acknowledging his need for self care. I want a husband with empathy; which is sorely lacking in my AH.

Tonight on the phone he said in his spare time in Sober Living he’d go back to his IP apartments and visit with friends he had made there. What?!? In the one or two spare nights he’ll have in SL he doesn’t want to see his wife!? Take her on a date?
He’ll be going to AA and IOP meetings most nights and in the few he has free he doesn’t say “honey I cannot WAIT to take you out and see you again????”

I feel like I am just being taken for a ride by AH at this point. My intuition is telling me he used me as his economic enabler when he was drunk and now that he is clean he wants to keep me around as a handy trophy wife or fallback in case he needs something. I don’t feel genuine love coming from him at all. I feel manipulation. And I know he still lies because he told me his counselor in rehab called him out for lying on a few occasions. Yes, I know most of all alcoholics lie, too.

Anyone else been in this situation? For my own husband to say things like “No, I won’t miss you” and “In my spare time I’ll go see other people” but “I love you” at the end of a phone call just seems like a huge contradiction and I want more for myself than this kind of life!

I’m worthy of a husband who says he misses me and who wants to spend time with me. Period.

Anyone been at this crossroads? Or heard similar hurtful stuff from an alcoholic spouse in recovery? My therapist suggested I ask myself what I am really getting out of a marriage that’s going like this and my honest answer is not much.
She also suggested I make a list of traits I want in a partner and be honest with myself about whether my spouse matches those traits. Helpful.

While I am SO proud of my AH for his journey, and feel SO blessed to have been a part of it this far (how else would I have realized just how enabling and codependent and controlling I could be?) I just feel our journey together doesn’t serve me at all anymore. It drags me down. I miss JOY and light with a partner!

So I guess I’m just wondering how long I let this idea stick around in my head about divorce before I bring it up with my spouse? When is the right time to tell him I’m not happy with our relationship and I’m feeling disregarded and used? Maybe there isn’t a right time at all. Thanks for reading and for any ideas.

My thoughts keep leaning to “Let go and let God.” Also: “Girl! You deserve better!”
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Old 03-09-2018, 06:37 PM
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Hi Wife - Isn't amazing when you can see how your own behavior - when you were just trying *so hard* to help - is just as unhealthy as the addict's behavior? Congratulations for starting your own recovery.

The title of your post caught my eye. I've been there. You wrote, "When is the right time to tell him I’m not happy with our relationship and I’m feeling disregarded and used?" I kicked that thought around in my head for literally YEARS before saying it out loud. By the time I said it, I was 100% totally and completely done. I left.

I've gotten some great advice here, including the reality that you don't need a reason to leave if you want to leave. Your AH is sober and committed to recovery, which is wonderful. That has nothing to do with whether you want to be in the marriage or not, really.
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Old 03-09-2018, 06:52 PM
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Welcome. My husband has been sober for 10 monthes and I daily contemplate divorcing him. I also still worry that tomarrow he may decide to drink again no matter how committed he says he is to staying sober. He has not and is not available emotionally or physically. It is a hard life staying married and trying to instruct someone on how to be a partner. It really isn't my responsibility. Soberity itself does not make a marriage. I think it's wise to act on red flags that you see in your relationship and your counselor seems correct on the quality list. I think communication and honesty to a spouse is an important quality as long as he's not abusive. There's two different topics not being happy and divorce. Since you are still contemplating divorce I wouldn't bring up divorce until you're certain that you are prepared and .done.
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Old 03-09-2018, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by hearthealth View Post
Welcome..... There's two different topics not being happy and divorce. I wouldn't bring up divorce until you're certain that you are .done.
Thank you both for the feedback. Great point that there are two different topics at hand. One is being unhappy. And it would absolutely be useful for me to practice my assertiveness skills and boundary setting, which I’m new to, by telling him what I’m not okay with. In a calm and peaceful manner.

I agree; the second issue is divorce and you are right. One should not bring that up until one is totally sure. I think in that case, it’s good to have the “I’m unhappy and here is why” conversation peaceably first and see where it goes. I am sending a big hug to you both for your kindness and courage. 🙏🏼
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Old 03-09-2018, 07:41 PM
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You can discuss you're unhappy and this is why and be assertive. Boundary setting though does not have to be spoken otherwise it can become a rule. You are seeing behaviors that you do not like, to file for divorce because of them is a boundary.

If you tell him what you want him to do and he is being manipulative he may change for the short term or only change what you've mentioned to keep you married. Will he push it back at you? I sit back and watch and listen to see what H says and does with my needs.
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Old 03-09-2018, 11:31 PM
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I think many of us in LT marriages with an A have these thoughts. I know I do time and again. Why? because you never know when they will fall off the wagon again, you never really have the same level of trust and respect for them after all that has happened. In sobriety, many of them are still detached and too caught up in themselves to really see you. You never feel like you really have a 100% partner who is there for you and has your back, you have done it alone for so long that you probably wouldn't know what to do with a partner who is fully present. I think about this often, which is the better option, to go or stay. Even in sobriety, I often catch myself looking at him and thinking, why do I stay with you, you are no good for me.
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Old 03-10-2018, 02:14 AM
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I went through a loooong process of ending things w/XAH--After finding out that he'd been only pretending to go to AA meetings for 4 years (yes, 4 years!) while continuing to drink, I came here. A year and a half later, I filed for divorce, then converted that to a legal separation b/c I needed health insurance and he was willing to let me stay on his.

Three months after that, the legal separation went through, but we continued to live in the same house. We'd been married for 19 years and I really, really did NOT want things to end.

Three months after that, he confessed that he'd NEVER stopped drinking for more than a day or two. I finalized the divorce. He moved into the upstairs flat of my house, separate entrance, own kitchen, bathroom, etc.

Six months after THAT, he was apparently the victim of a hit-and-run accident down at the mailbox. I drove him to the ER, where he was diagnosed w/5 broken ribs and a shattered elbow--and a blood alcohol level that, at the time he was hit, would have been enough to render a normal person unconscious.

He spent several days in the hospital. During this time, I turned things over in my mind. He was never sloppy drunk, and in fact it was very difficult to tell if he'd even been drinking, so this was the very first time I'd actually gotten FACTS concerning just how drunk he was on a regular basis. Drunk enough that he would still have had a significant level of alcohol in his blood every morning when he went to work, as a matter of fact! Suddenly I had a whole new understanding of an awful lot of things and was no longer willing to accept them.

When he was discharged, I picked him up from the hospital and told him in the car on the way home that he had 1 month to pack up his stuff and get moved out. And he did that.

So my answer to your question is that you'll know when you know. Not very helpful, I'm afraid, but trust yourself. You are smarter, stronger and braver than you know.
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Old 03-10-2018, 06:33 AM
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My situation is different, but I would like to chime in because I can somewhat relate. I am still with AH but I'm "done".

I believe HP hit the nail on the head - "you'll know when you know"

"She also suggested I make a list of traits I want in a partner and be honest with myself about whether my spouse matches those traits. "

I did this about a year+ ago after what I would call a catalyst moment. I knew then how much I was missing and what I need and want that he could never be or do. I also know its difficult for me To be the me I want to be while in this relationship. I don't know if we were mismatched from the beginning, but we certainly are now.
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Old 03-10-2018, 07:08 AM
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Sorry. I just thought of another thing I want to add. It's not neant to sway one way or another or to scare you. More like a heads up in case you do decide to leave and you encounter this

I have a close friend who told me it would be cruel for me to not stay with my AH should he seek treatment. In her words he would stop drinking and everything would be fine except you would have to avoid places with alcohol and friends who like to drink. (Ironically he mostly drinks at home and doesn't really have friends, nor do I here) She obviously knows nothing about recovery and what it is actually like for either party. I was pissed when she said it, and now I don't discuss it with her anymore.
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Old 03-10-2018, 09:20 AM
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I am almost in exactly the same position. I care deeply for my AH (a little over three months sober) however I don’t feel it’s the right relationship for me at this point. I am proud of him as well. However I am constantly on guard around him and have to daily define what empathy is...which defining empathy to someone that has none is virtually impossible.
He is still manipulative and tells me things like “you know the kids (my adult step children), tell me that our marriage issues are not my fault, but I tell them that I was an a$$, but they are still taking my side”. Seriously? Wtf? If he was changing his outlook and committed to our marriage why would he tell me that (even if it were true and I strongly believe that it’s not true)? Why? To be manipulative and because at the end of the day he is still an a$$, and doesn’t care about me as a person just wants to ensure nothing happens to his stays quo - I am the primary bread winner...
I am waiting to file until this summer though just to make sure that I am not acting rashly...
but I do agree, you will know, I still have a small doubt but am quite positive our marriage will not survive. 😪 and that does break my heart but I want to live my life for me not carry him through life and have to constantly be on guard for the manipulation and gas lighting that goes on.
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Old 03-10-2018, 10:49 AM
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I think expectations screw up more relationships than practically anything else.
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Old 03-10-2018, 11:02 AM
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38 days is not very much time yet. My RAH was in inpatient rehab for 90 days and it took a good 7 weeks before he was starting to see his manipulative ways. He’s been 18 months sober about and even from leaving rehab to now a year later he has continued to evolve and improve. So I’m not surprised that your H is still manipulative, he didn’t get to be that way overnight and it will take time to change, he can change if he is committed. At this point I would not make any rash decisions probably. You are both changing a lot and both in early recovery to to speak. That doesn’t mean that you won’t still want a divorce later per se but this is all so very new and different. If he is really committed to his recovery he will likely change a lot in the next year still.
I’m still with my RAH and like I said he is doing very well. But things are not going well between the two of us and at this point that is mostly on me. I’ve been with him for 16 years and when I confronted him 1.5 years ago I was at my rock bottom. Naively enough I still figured that if he got clean things would be better. I told him I was giving him one last chance and he took it. I also really meant it. I really had no intention of leaving him if he got clean and got treatment. But rehab was really hard on us and now that everything was out in the open it was like the floodgates of my emotions finally opened and I was able to feel what I really felt. I still have a really hard time with feeling and emotions and especially expressing them or sometimes even recognizing them but it was like I no longer had to pretend I was happy. Because in all reality I had not been happy for a long time but jut plugged through. It has been so hard. I don’t want him touching me even after 1.5 years, I have a hard time being interested in what he does and so it makes it very hard to have small talk about his day etc. He knows I’m not truly interested which in turn makes him not interested in sharing. I feel so guilty about this. But I feel like our relationship has been dysfunctional from the start (obviously didn’t know that then but have learned so in the past year) and I feel like we just have very little in common. I’ve come to like doing stuff alone with my kid over the past few years while he was not much present because of his drinking. Now he is present and wants to be involved. I’m glad that he is able to do stuff with our kid now because she deserves that but I just don’t feel comfortable around him. He is 11 years older and he has matured a lot since becoming sober. I like to hang out with my friends and our kids (we all have girls) and I like to drink. I don’t drink at home by myself but when I’m out or with friends I like to drink. And of course a lot of our past activities involved drinking. It shouldn’t matter that much but I guess I feel like it sort of does. I don’t usually get drunk but just a little happy and sometimes he ha a hard time when everyone is drinking and becomes less inhibited (not drunk). I feel like it had changed our social life. He doesn’t care if I drink when we go out to dinner. I had one of my friends tell me that their social circle really changed after her H got sober and I can’t imagine not hanging out with our current friends (except for one because I now see how dysfunctional she is and mainupalitve and she doesn’t even drink)
Anyway, it is so hard. I feel like I should be grateful for him being sober and doing so well and having changed. I am grateful because he needed to do it for himself. But I guess I feel like things have changed and that I was probably more done than I thought I was 1.5 years ago. I would have a comfortable life and anything I need or want and my kid would have a family that’s intact. And here I am considering giving all that up and tear my kids family apart and it feels selfish.
It is still so hard to be able to be ok with what I feel without thinking about what it does to others. That that whole codependent thing.
Take your time, you don’t have kids so that’s one less thing you have to worry about. Your H is only very recently sober and his brain is still changing. You both may realize that this marriage is not going to work or you may rediscover each other and decide that you do like the new person he and you have become. Early recovery is selfish and he needs to figure out who he is just like you have to figure out who you are now. Our marriage counselor keeps saying how blessed we are that we get to start all over and rediscover who we are bla-bla-bla. He equates it to an arranged marriage and we have to get to know each other. Except for we have this long past of how is alcoholism really screwed up our relationship and my feeling for him. And that is really hard for me to get past. Including the not wanting to be physical with him.

Like others here say all the time (and it hard to accept that for me) it is ok to be done whether he is clean or not. Things happen in a relationship even when addiction isn’t present. To me the hardest thing is that he did what I asked him and is doing so well with it that I feel like I’m the bad person for not being able to get past this . But staying together like this isn’t doing anyone any favors including my kid. I wish I could get past this but feelings are hard to change after years of getting dragged down. I’m still here because I really need to figure out me and learning to love myself and it is a work in progress but so very hard after so many years of dysfunction (that started long before I met my H)
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Old 03-10-2018, 12:30 PM
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This is so me right now

I read your post and it really struck a cord as I've been doing my own healing since my husband came out of rehab almost 3 weeks ago.

Instead of coming back to me and his 3 daughters, he went to stay with his mum which I thought was going to temporary.....he is still there and has no intention of coming back as he doesn't know who he is or what he wants (he shouted at me today that there is no such thing as a recovered alcoholic) even though he is returning to work on Monday.

I've been in therapy myself for a few months over the 4 years of alcohol and emotional abusive hell and I've realised that we are basically living 2 completely separate lives.

He goes to AA every day, has his friends there for which he'd happily skip mother's day tomorrow as they go out for lunch together before the AA meeting. He is doing everything he can to stay sober but he is not checking in with me or asking after his children.

As he found out in Detox that he has basically been an addict since the age of 13 his development stalled at that time too which means I am dealing with a teenager who still has a lot of growing up to do even though he's got a really good job and we have 3 beautiful children.

I want to give him all the time he needs. Our daughter started school while he was in detox and I don't want to take her out 2 months later to move back to the Netherlands because I want to divorce him. He is really very committed to his sobriety but also very on edge, nervous, rapidly irritated and snappy. He comes to visit us 'to help me', I keep telling him I want him to come as part of the family not as help.

Before he went to rehab there was talk of more children and I've always known that my purpose in life is have children and I love it! Our youngest is 20 months and it will be the biggest gap we've ever had between babies by the time I will have another baby. I've actually gone as far as looking into sperm donors. I've had a conversation with my husband about this as I wanted to be honest about where I've gotten with my healing and my feelings (I do still hope things will work out but am fairly confident they will not) and I brought it up that I am ready and really wanting another child. My husband got upset when I was speaking about a sperm donor as he does want another child when/if things work out but I am asking myself how long I should keep waiting for him after I've done and tried everything to help him (codependency) and support him there for him knowing it wasn't good for the girls to be in a situation like that but I am loyal. I marry for good and for bad and I've weathered the bad but in a way the aftermath feels even worse.

Husband shows no emotion whatsoever, not even to the girls. He is busy with himself only and I think that will stay like this for a long time as he keeps saying he doesn't know who he is or what he wants.

So how long am I willing to give him? My broody person doesn't want to give him any time. My other person says maybe I should wait and see. Husband also doesn't want me to go back to the Netherlands. He wants us here but if a divorce (and sole custody) happens I will leave.

Sorry for the long rant. Your message is so similar to my situation and I feel undecided but also feel decided meaning I'm in turmoil as to what is best.

You know your husband best. I married mine 7 years ago, we are together for 10. It's a long time to let go and he wants to do couples counselling but didn't like the therapist he was set up with.

I will keep my eye out in this thread and hopefully I can benefit from some of the advice too.
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Old 03-10-2018, 08:16 PM
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You will know when you know

I had a feeling I wasn’t alone in feeling like I do. Thank all of you for sharing your lives and for passing along the advice and wisdom, as well as for sharing the equal parts confusion, love, wonder, and frustration. I feel and have felt pretty much everything you all are feeling. None of us are in this alone. ((Hug))

This feed is, beautifully, a lot to digest. For that I am grateful. I will re-read it tomorrow night to digest it further. One of the things that stands out is the phrase “you will know when you know.” Thank you for that. I do feel I need to give myself a bit more time to process all of this and work through my own thoughts and needs carefully and clearly before making a firm decision. I will give myself the gift of that time. So true that I am still new to my own recovery and so is AH. CW (codependent wife — ha ha) and AH deserve a little more time to see how things shake out.

There are days I just feel like, “but I have already given this man three YEARS and he STILL has no empathy!” I feel like Helen Hunt in the film “Something’s Gotta Give.” “I just want a NORMAL boyfriend!” Why am I wasting time? Time is prescious.

This blasted disease is just so annoying. Today AH said of all the things he misses most in rehab, he misses me the most. This, when literally five days ago he said he wouldn’t miss me at all in sober living. ???I have never been with an alcoholic before my husband, so I DO remember having rather more “regular,” relationships, and I have never had anyone say one thing one day and the complete opposite five days later. It’s SO frustrating!! I understand that in early recovery my AH’s brain is going nuts re-wiring itself. So maybe I need to give him more room and space to re-wire while I heal me. Re-wire me. Thanks for the “you’ll know when you know” suggestion.

The other thing that stands out is the idea that expectation can be a hiccup in these relationships (or any relationships). I don’t know. In theory I get that and I hear that in Al-Anon a lot. “Let go of expectation then you won’t be upset no matter what happens.”

But you know what? The social contract is BASED on expectation in my POV. The fact that I got a Master’s Degree is because my family expected of me, from school age on, to get a good education. Sometimes we thrive the most when someone expects the best from us. It can drive human beings to act, I believe. As a former teacher, I can’t imagine not having a set of expectations for each class I taught. Expectations drive structure and structure can drive progress. Or something like that.

We agree during marriage we will love and care for our spouse unconditionally in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, etc. Addiction turns this notion on its head because the non-addicted spouse is the primary caretaker, always the one picking up the slack, while the addict is off on their own journey living free of the feeling (the Expectation!) that they should be caring for, loving, honoring and respecting the person they married equally.

Then we who love addicts/alcoholics are left feeling depleted and devalued. Exhausted and confused. I honestly don’t believe that is what my higher power intended for me in marriage. Maybe for a season, but not for a lifetime. I don’t want a lifetime of or :/ .

Anyway, it’s such a HELP to hear from you all. I’ll check back in with you to let you know how it’s going here. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are all so courageous!
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Old 03-10-2018, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by ScaryTime View Post
I am almost in exactly the same position. I care deeply for my AH (a little over three months sober) however I don’t feel it’s the right relationship for me at this point. I am proud of him as well. However I am constantly on guard around him and have to daily define what empathy is...which defining empathy to someone that has none is virtually impossible.
He is still manipulative and tells me things like “you know the kids (my adult step children), tell me that our marriage issues are not my fault, but I tell them that I was an a$$, but they are still taking my side”. Seriously? Wtf? If he was changing his outlook and committed to our marriage why would he tell me that (even if it were true and I strongly believe that it’s not true)? Why? To be manipulative and because at the end of the day he is still an a$$, and doesn’t care about me as a person just wants to ensure nothing happens to his stays quo - I am the primary bread winner...
I am waiting to file until this summer though just to make sure that I am not acting rashly...
but I do agree, you will know, I still have a small doubt but am quite positive our marriage will not survive. 😪 and that does break my heart but I want to live my life for me not carry him through life and have to constantly be on guard for the manipulation and gas lighting that goes on.
ST, my heart goes out to you. How hurtful those words are. I feel you. Those manipulative, divisive statements hurt more than anything. I’ve heard similar myself.
Just remember those statements are a reflection of AH’s state of mind. Not of who YOU are.
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Old 03-10-2018, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Clover71 View Post
Sorry. I just thought of another thing I want to add. It's not neant to sway one way or another or to scare you. More like a heads up in case you do decide to leave and you encounter this

I have a close friend who told me it would be cruel for me to not stay with my AH should he seek treatment. In her words he would stop drinking and everything would be fine except you would have to avoid places with alcohol and friends who like to drink. (Ironically he mostly drinks at home and doesn't really have friends, nor do I here) She obviously knows nothing about recovery and what it is actually like for either party. I was pissed when she said it, and now I don't discuss it with her anymore.
Clover, this may be telling, but there is NO ONE in either of our lives who would blame me for leaving AH. They ALL think I’m off the deep end for staying three years, which says something about how poorly my spouse treats people, not just me. Yikes, right? He’s really ticked a lot of people off and has few cheerleaders left. He has some serious trust to rebuild among many people. Again, the more sober I get the more I see this. But thank you for the warning! I think I’m my own harshest critic in this regard and appreciate that someone pointed out leaving doesn’t have to have anything to do with AH’s state of sobriety. Leaving him and his state of sobriety are separate things.
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Old 03-10-2018, 09:42 PM
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I also have friends that said I should leave or should have left.....it's not that easy. Easy when viewing the situation from the outside but not when you are in it.

I feel life is much more of a rollercoaster mainly because of sobriety and the different emotions I get thrown at me by my husband. I am scares to talk about serious things as it seems he can't handle them and we end up arguing but is that arguing because deep down he does still care and is scared to rebuild his life? He knows what he has done and is ashamed and feels self loathing and somehow doesn't know where to start or are we arguing because he doesn't want or can deal with some issues and pushes them away? Or does he just not care?

I was told by my therapist I analyse and work out situations really quickly which is good for survival but not for recovery and I need to give myself more time aswell and I can use our daughter just having started school as an excuse to give myself more time, there is still that one big nagging thing which I want to give myself so badly because it makes me so happy but won't be able to if I give myself more time to recover.

It's amazing how alcohol can change a marriage from one entity into two entities who don't seem to know each other at all.
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Old 03-10-2018, 10:28 PM
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WoA, another thing you'll hear around this forum and Alanon is that "marriage isn't a mutual suicide pact." Yes, we made vows, but so did our spouse. Personally, I believe that the "in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer" thing is in effect when BOTH partners are doing their level best for each other and for the marriage. It's NOT a "get out of jail free" card for one half to abandon their responsibilities and let the other half carry the weight.

Your POV may differ.
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Old 03-10-2018, 11:19 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by WifeofAddict25 View Post
As a former teacher, I can’t imagine not having a set of expectations for each class I taught. Expectations drive structure and structure can drive progress. Or something like that.

It's interesting that where you give examples of expectations they are both authority figure based.

Interesting topic!
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Old 03-11-2018, 05:39 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by WifeofAddict25 View Post
I had a feeling I wasn’t alone in feeling like I do. Thank all of you for sharing your lives and for passing along the advice and wisdom, as well as for sharing the equal parts confusion, love, wonder, and frustration. I feel and have felt pretty much everything you all are feeling. None of us are in this alone. ((Hug))

This feed is, beautifully, a lot to digest. For that I am grateful. I will re-read it tomorrow night to digest it further. One of the things that stands out is the phrase “you will know when you know.” Thank you for that. I do feel I need to give myself a bit more time to process all of this and work through my own thoughts and needs carefully and clearly before making a firm decision. I will give myself the gift of that time. So true that I am still new to my own recovery and so is AH. CW (codependent wife — ha ha) and AH deserve a little more time to see how things shake out.

There are days I just feel like, “but I have already given this man three YEARS and he STILL has no empathy!” I feel like Helen Hunt in the film “Something’s Gotta Give.” “I just want a NORMAL boyfriend!” Why am I wasting time? Time is prescious.

This blasted disease is just so annoying. Today AH said of all the things he misses most in rehab, he misses me the most. This, when literally five days ago he said he wouldn’t miss me at all in sober living. ???I have never been with an alcoholic before my husband, so I DO remember having rather more “regular,” relationships, and I have never had anyone say one thing one day and the complete opposite five days later. It’s SO frustrating!! I understand that in early recovery my AH’s brain is going nuts re-wiring itself. So maybe I need to give him more room and space to re-wire while I heal me. Re-wire me. Thanks for the “you’ll know when you know” suggestion.

The other thing that stands out is the idea that expectation can be a hiccup in these relationships (or any relationships). I don’t know. In theory I get that and I hear that in Al-Anon a lot. “Let go of expectation then you won’t be upset no matter what happens.”

But you know what? The social contract is BASED on expectation in my POV. The fact that I got a Master’s Degree is because my family expected of me, from school age on, to get a good education. Sometimes we thrive the most when someone expects the best from us. It can drive human beings to act, I believe. As a former teacher, I can’t imagine not having a set of expectations for each class I taught. Expectations drive structure and structure can drive progress. Or something like that.

We agree during marriage we will love and care for our spouse unconditionally in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, etc. Addiction turns this notion on its head because the non-addicted spouse is the primary caretaker, always the one picking up the slack, while the addict is off on their own journey living free of the feeling (the Expectation!) that they should be caring for, loving, honoring and respecting the person they married equally.

Then we who love addicts/alcoholics are left feeling depleted and devalued. Exhausted and confused. I honestly don’t believe that is what my higher power intended for me in marriage. Maybe for a season, but not for a lifetime. I don’t want a lifetime of or :/ .

Anyway, it’s such a HELP to hear from you all. I’ll check back in with you to let you know how it’s going here. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are all so courageous!

It sounds very frustrating.

I agree with you about the expectations. Maybe having no expectations with an alcoholic helps us get through things, but I don't think I want to live a life having no expectations. To me that is a very low bar
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