RescueBird

Hi All,

I never did go "no contact" with my A. He really started to show me he was serious about rehab. We addressed the lying, and he acknowledged it. I know he has a long way to go, but already he is just impressing the hell out of me with his commitment.

He finished 30 days of alcohol rehab last week, and transitioned over to a Sober Living house. I guess I am just seeking some reassurance regarding letting him fight his own battles. I am doing my absolute best to let him take care of himself. Since he is broke, I bought him groceries (on the understanding that it's a one or two time thing, until he is hired on somewhere), and paid his first month rent as a one-time thing.

Well, long story short, "real life" is starting to kick in for him. The food stamps people want info to process his claim, the health insurance people want info/co-pay arrangements in place, the sober living house wants him job searching asap (which he is doing). I see him doing an excellent job, but I also see him getting so frustrated when things don't go 100% his way. I know the answer; he's an adult and has to learn how to take care of himself. I guess I am just seeking some reassuring voices to say "Yes that's true, stop feeling terrible for not shielding him from his responsibilities!"

And I guess the more self doubting side of me is once again asking, should I be doing more for him?

Bernadette

should I be doing more for him?

Good heavens No!
He is fresh in recovery - something you'll see as he recovers is his ability to handle frustration and responsibility well or not well. For some As they have been medicating the worry and frustration away with alcohol for years. I think depriving him of the experience of flexing that muscle would be interfering with his recovery. Just my opinion.

Are you flexing some new muscles too? It took me a LOT of practice to separate my side of the street from the A's side of the street. AlAnon helped me, and reading lots here, and in books on the subject.

Peace,
B.

Bekindalways

Good on you RB for staying out as much as you have. Many of us here struggled many many years to figure this out. It is our own addiction.

By staying out, you are paying him the wordless compliment that he is capable and can do it. By jumping in, you would be acting out a disbelief in his abilities. I so so get it but it is a bit arrogant when we think we can live someone else's life better than they can do it themselves.

As life gets real for him, can you double down on your own self-care?

Hmmm . . . so many of my posts here are a reminder to myself of what I need to do in my own life.

Hang tough lady you are involved in life-changing, world-changing work. Keep to your side of the street and work it as hard as you can.

RescueBird

Thanks, Bernadette and BeKind. Your words are so, so helpful!

I am most definitely flexing some new muscles; that's an apt way to put it. It's almost comically difficult for me to sit on my hands and just let it play out. Thankfully I am learning the true importance of sticking to "my side of the street."

Thank you again so much.

NYCDoglvr

Recovering alcoholics must learn to cope with "life on life's terms" and this is his chance to do that. Enabling him will only hamper his growth.

dandylion

RescueBird....you now have time to read the articles that I gave you the link to on March 12th.....enough to read and "digest" one every single day...lol.....

Also, if you haven't already read "CO-Dependent No More'''....now, would be excellent for you to read it...I think that a lot of it will resonate with you....

RescueBird

Thanks Dandy--I have read each of those, believe it or not! Sometimes I guess I just hope for some extra reassurance. I know it's selfish. Weaning off of co-dependency feels in some respects like a strict diet. It's what you aren't doing that's important for progress.

I know my situation is far from unique--but sometimes it's nice to just get that reminder. Thanks again

ChloeRose63

No!
Haven't you heard the expression:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

It's about time he learns how to do things on his own.

Bernadette

I know my situation is far from unique-

One of my favorite sayings about AlAnon:
"A place where I can sit with total strangers and reminisce!"

I have a hard time sitting on my hands too - but the muscle you can flex is the "I can fix XYZ about myself" muscle. Part of how we got wrapped up in the As problems is that it distracts us from facing ourselves and our own problems, shortcomings, dreams and goals.

Amazing things can happen for us when we put all that energy into changing the one thing we CAN change: ourselves. It just doesn't feel comfortable or natural at first. But it will with practice!

Peace,
B.

firebolt

Just going to validate what you already know:

"Yes that's true, stop feeling terrible for not shielding him from his responsibilities!"

Way to reach out instead of defaulting to what we all have done!!

dandylion

RescueBird.....Wow! You read all 96 articles?! That is pretty amazing....you have only been here for 21days...I guess you must have been reading a long time before you began posting...?...lol.....
Learning to recognize and cope with our co-dependency tendencies is a journey and it takes time....it isn't a race that we can sprint to the finish line....

Keep on trucking.....

AnvilheadII

the casual observer reading your post could find themselves asking....is she talking about her SON or her almost EX boyfriend?

it will also be interesting to see how HE reacts when you say NO.....NO more money, NO more help, etc

aliciagr

I think your handling things well RescueBird !

Sorry but I don't recall your earlier threads here. Im sure he is stressed and may fell overwhelmed, but real life requires us to handle things, cope with the stress involved. While he is still in sober living its good for him to face the challenges. Hopefully as part of treatment he's been doing therapy? He can work on his coping skills that way if need be.

Clover71

It sounds like you are doing great. Stepping back is not easy to do. After awhile it's a relief.

RescueBird

Yeah...I lurked here pretty heavily before I actually joined. I usually never post on the internet...funny what dramatic, scary, sad personal situations will do to a person.And a good chunk of my workdays have been filled with reading. I promise I'm not bullshitting you.

Just to clarify: my alcoholic is my soon to be ex husband of a couple months. It's a long story. I love the hell out of him but didn't see the extent of his addiction until he moved in, and took money from me. He has agreed with that we love eachother but must step waaaaay back to platonic support for the forseeable future. Thanks guys.

RescueBird

I just wanted to express thanks to all who posted. I know some of these things are a bit redundant but I think others like me really get strength from the personal touch. Thanks for reading and for your kind words.

dandylion

RescueBird......Yes, I agree that the "personal touch" is very important! In fact, I consider human to human connection to be vital....very especially during the hard times....
We humans are very social creatures
I think that is the most important aspect of support groups...the human connection...it is powerful...

LOL...did you ever see the movie "Cast Away"...? tom Hanks made the basketball into a human face and named it "Wilson"....(he lived alone for years on a deserted island).....I think that is a demonstration of that basic human need for the connection to another...even if it is just a basketball. pretending.......

thequest

Repeating what others said. Should not do more no matter how minor it may seem. The alcoholic and/or addict must learn to deal with life sober no matter how innocuous the task seems or your help would be.

One of the things I've notice over the years is that enablers can't or don't nuance. For example letting too many small things go yet go after the wrong stuff in a big big manner. But this is pretty clear cut. The recovering addict/alcoholic needs to learn to deal with life sober, if something is a pain in the butt or they have to sweat out a budget they must learn to deal with it without turning to drugs/alcohol. Coping skills I think they call it. They must learn and accept this is and what sober entails.

hopeful4

DO NOT take over. This is his chance to learn to take care of himself, and to learn to deal with the frustration of things that don't go your way. These are skills he needs for the rest of his life.

I see people come into my work all the time who have lost a spouse and they are 100% completely lost. You MUST be able to live on your own.

Bekindalways

I suppose we kinda sorta say the same thing over and over again to people who post.

So much of alcoholism/addiction is the same stuff but then again we are all unique human beings.

Hope things are going well Rescuebird. I'm impressed you have read all the articles. It was before the internet when I left my qualifier. However, I read a lot so I knew the realities of addiction. Because of this knowledge, I didn't have to go through what many have.