Silvertabby

I've just joined the site and am hoping that someone may have been in a similar situation to mine. I am married to an alcoholic and we have a six year old daughter together. His alcoholism has been a problem for around a decade, but in the past two or three years it has got progressively more severe and things are at the point where I feel I can't cope any more. He knows he has a problem and has been going to AA intermittently for years, and engages on and off with local recovery services, goes to the GP etc. But no matter what he does he cannot seem to stick at it and he cannot stop drinking.

Right now he is on day five of a drinking binge, and the time between these binges is getting shorter (this time it was only four days off since the last time). Our daughter is young enough to not quite understand what is going on but I know this won't last forever. He is completely out of control when he drinks - he can't be reasoned with and is frequently cold and contemptuous towards me, he passes out at home a lot, he quite regularly wets himself, he doesn't seem to care about anything or anyone. When he comes out of these binges he is remorseful and talks intelligently about his issues and to be honest he wins me round time and time again, and I always think things can change but they never do. It has got to the point where I feel totally worn down and I don't want to be in this relationship any more if he can't give up drinking. I wanted to stay for our daughter but I know that if he keeps on like this then the reality of staying will probably be worse for her in the long term anyway.

My situation is difficult, although possibly not in the way that many people's is. Basically I earn all the money in the marriage, and have done for a long long time as he doesn't work. My career has taken a dramatic upward turn recently (though this in itself is a worry as I realise that he would be entitled to a lot if we divorced, and because things have only recently got so much better for me, I am not financially very well-established). We have separate bank accounts and always have done. We are currently renting (in the UK) and it is only my name on the tenancy. Technically I sound like I am in a strong position, but I feel completely trapped. He has absolutely no income, no supportive family etc. If I asked him to leave - if he even agreed - he would probably be out on the streets. I understand that he is an adult and that I am not responsible for him, but I think this situation would seriously traumatise our daughter. He would be homeless, unable to see her or keep any sort of constant presence in her life, and would probably turn up here drunk repeatedly and upsetting her even further. I can't do it to her. But is the alternative continuing to be miserable for the rest of my life? I really have no idea what to do. If he could stop drinking, then even now I would give the marriage another chance. But I have been hanging on waiting for this change for a long time and I don't want to wait forever.

AnvilheadII

does he not work because he is unable......or unwilling? sounds like he's riding the gravy train.......

you could look at it this way....since you are the provider of everything, and he spends his "free time" going on binges, being a jackass and peeing himself, you are funding that. you are enabling him to continue without consequence.

your six year old senses more than perhaps you want to acknowledge. you two are his only role models for life and relationships and how grown ups operate.

a good first step would be a visit with an attorney, or solicitor, or whatever the proper UK term is........know your rights. know what steps you can take, and which you should avoid.

Maudcat

Hi, Silvertabby.
Welcome.
I would consult the British version of an attorney (barrister, counsel?) and find out my rights.
You are probably in a stronger position than you think you are.
He doesn’t work, he binge drinks, he is a nasty drunk, he is incontinent.
Not much to like there.
Children deserve a safe and stable environment, and they know a lot more than we think they do.
Good luck.

Givenup2018

So your AH is basically a bum, who lives off you and adds nothing to your life.
You cannot cure him or change him but you can set boundaries. Start detaching now.
Tell him that he needs to move into a separate bedroom until he decides to sort himself out. Give him no additional money, etc. No access to your money. Feed him and that is it. How does he get money for drinking?
Why can't he work? Is it laziness or a medical problem. He appears to be taking advantage and you are letting him. Pls find out about co-dependency and establishing boundaries.
Tell him he has to get himself into a programme otherwise the marriage is over. You are only starting off, so it is better to bite the bullet now with any pay offs etc. He would not be able to take care of your daughter anyhow if he is an alcoholic. Go see a lawyer to ascertain your rights, don't let this go on for long.
Follow through on this. Otherwise 20 years from now you will be suffering and your daughter will have witnessed what she should never have witnessed. Believe me.

hearthealth

Your daughter is learning that women take care if men. That this is how men act. That grown people set themselves. If she hasn't seen it she will. My children knew before they were six that dad couldn't be relied in. That mom took care of my needs. Too not wake up daddy.

Sleepyhollo

I’ve been with my H for 16 years and he has been an alcoholic for about 43 years (started at 13). Yet I never really saw it for what it was. He was high functioning and hid it well. He stopped several times over the years but all in secret and no one ever knew about. He’d say that he was working on losing weight, his blood pressure was high ( which it was because of the alcohol and his weight because contrary to a lot of alcoholic he drank and ate) etc, and after a while he would start drinking socially and before you knew it he was back at it again. Rinse and repeat. 3.5 years ago I confronted him once again because he drove home completely ********* after a day of studying at his office. I was already at the point where I really could not trust our kid with him (she is almost 8 now). He quit for a year, on his own, again, in all secrecy before he relapsed again.

At that point I decided I was going to let it go and see where it would lead. I figured that if I confronted him again shortly after he relapsed that he might just quit again on his own for a short period and we would continue the same cycle again over and over. I guess without knowing what I was actually doing I started to detach. I started doing things with my kid and didn’t care if he came along or not (he often would not go to social functions because he was on call or too “tired” from work). Things kept getting worse and worse (as they do with alcoholism since it is a progressive disease). He stopped on his own for a couple of weeks when he had to be on meds that could severely affect his liver . After a couple of weeks he had to have his liver function checked and when it was normal,he resumed drinking. I pretty much made sure I never lest our kid with him. If I had something going on I would have her go to a friends house so “she could play with her friend” not because I needed a babysitter. I would check his stash every night to see how much he drank and every morning to see how much he had drank when he got up in the middle of the night. Since we had our kiddo I’ve pretty much been the main driver when we all go somewhere so that was good. One time though we had to go to the airport and he usually drives there. He had been drinking so I told him I would drive since he had just gotten a new truck and that way his new truck would not have to be out in the bad weather for several days.
2 summers ago we were visiting family abroad and he left after 2 weeks and my kid and I stayed another 2 weeks. He spent the last 5 days together drunk (when we were on our own and not staying with family) . I couldn’t wait for him to leave and was worried that he would drink on the flight back, drive home drunk, get into an accident and kill himself and I would have to go home early because of his problem. I knew I had gotten to a point where I could no longer take it. I had actually thought about leaving him but my main concern then was that I could not trust him with my kid alone and she didn’t know he had a problem with alcohol so she would not have been able to tell if he was drinking or drunk. She was used to him always being tired from work and going to bed early or falling asleep on the couch (pass out really) because he was so tired from work. There were many times where I told her she needed to be really quite becuse daddy was sleeping (and grouchy). The typical codependent wife, covering for him. Anyway, at least I knew that if I stayed I would be in control of the situation with her and would know she was ok because I was there and she would never be alone with her dad.
However after that vacation I hit my breaking point. About a month later I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum. And I was ready to follow through, as in I would give him one last chance but he had to seek treatment and it had to be out in the open so that thser would be at least some sort of accountability. If he did not I would leave. That wa the first time I was ready to do that. He took it serious and ended up seeking help. Due to his profession he had mandatory rehab for 90 days and he continues to be monitored very closely with sober link 4 x a day and meetings etc. He recently admitted that he had gotten to a point where he felt like he could no longer go on like this so I think his mindset was in right place he just needed a kick in the butt to do seomthing about it (he also said that if I had given him the same ultimatum 3.5 years ago it probably wouldn’t have done much then). So he has been clean for 1.5 years but it has been and still is really tough. Our relationship had taken a huge toll already (well at least from m end since I was present and he want really) and rehab made it a lot worse. It took him 7 weeks of intense counseling before he finally started seeing his manipulative ways. He has changed so much and for the better but I think for me the damage is done. I struggle getting past this because of all the hurt I’ve had to endure over the past several years.
My kid is 8 now and she knows that daddy has the alcohol disease (btw, no one knew he was an alcoholic because he drank in secret, so my kid never saw him drink at home. He would get drunk at times at parties but lots of non alcoholics do) . She went to a Betty Ford program for kids so she knows all about addiction (did that when she was 6.5) and were open about it now. Kids are smart though and they know something is up. They may not know what and that can be scary for them too.

Sorry about the novel but I can relate with a lot. The big difference is that your AH doesn’t work. Like others said, why doesn’t he? I hope he isn’t taking care of you daughter by himself because I would worry about that. I’m assuming she is in school though so hopefully his alone time with her is limited. It sounds like you’ve hit your limit and I cannot blame you. He is not contributing in any way shape or form from the sounds of it. He is just dragging you down with him. I’ve only come to realize in the past year how much all this years have affected me. I just kept up all the good appearances and acted like things were ok (other than he was tired from his stressful job...) . I couldn’t talk about it with anyone either which made it very isolating and hard for me. I detached big time and not really with love....
I’m a medical provider but now realize that I didn’t know much at all about addiction. I’ve learned a lot in the past year both about addiction but also about my own behaviors of codependency. I really wish I would have found this group a few years ago. Don’t know if ultimately would’ve made a difffence in when he got clean but I may have made better decision for myself.
You are not doing your child any favors by staying in this situation. Yourself eight btw, you cannot help your husband get clean, no matter how much you would like to. I never really understood this until the last couple of years. Mine ended up being ready to do something. Maybe if you give him an ultimatum he will too. But he may not. So if you give him an ultimatum be ready to follow through. If not, then you need to set boundaries. Sleep in separate rooms, leave when he has been drinking etc. You could force him to go to rehab but it isn’t likely to be successful unless he is really wanting to quit himself, many people go to rehab because someone made them, they go through the motions while there and get drunk the minute they get out. You need to think about you and your kiddo. You can’t control him and unfortunately for some people rock bottom is when it’s too late. That is a hard pill to swallow but it is true. Hopefully your H isn’t one of those, is ther someone he could stay with, family’s?
I highly recommend reading codependent no more. It was a real eye opener for me. I didn’t realize how much I really enabled him in a away. Also educate yourself as much as you an on alcoholism and addiction. If he doesn’t get help things will get worse. And it is so touch when the A is pretty ok when he is sober, but that doesn’t make it alright to put up with it. I wish I learned that a long time ago.
I would consult a lawyer as well. Ultimately you need to do what is best for you and your child. And maybe ther is a way that would keep you from having to fork over a lot of money due to his addition. I have no idea about that but a lawyer can certainly help you figure that out.
Take care of you, you’ve been taking care of everyone else and likely been neglecting yourself. Your kiddo obviously needs your care but your H is an adult. He needs to take care of himself, however poorly that may be. It’s not good for you kiddo to be around this so event tough it would be tough on her to put her through a potential separation divorce, in the long run it will be better for her if your an doesn’t get clean.
Good luck with everything. It sucks, there is no doubt about it. Consider counseling for yourself with someone that has an addition background. I’m not much into counseling myself but it has been a lifesaver for me. Don’t know that I would’ve done without it.

Silvertabby

Thanks all. What you say does make sense. I think I am already starting to detach. We are mostly in separate rooms already and when he drinks I tend to go out elsewhere with our child when possible and leave him to it. He doesn't drink in front of her and is never unpleasant to her so I don't think she is currently too badly affected but know this will change. He doesn't look after her alone any more by the way, I put a stop to it.

He does have mental health problems which make it harder for him to work even without the alcohol. He has had the occasional job but it is always a disaster, he just doesn't seem able to cope with it.

He is a completely different person when he isn't drinking but I suppose they all are.

I just can't get past the practical difficulties and thinking that he would have nowhere to go which would inevitably mean he just hung round here. Maybe I need to talk to a lawyer as some of you suggest, or the citizens advice bureau.

trailmix

I agree that you should speak with a lawyer. If you decide to leave him, or have him leave, he may be entitled to money from you anyway? If you divorce he would be entitled to half the property? So he won't be destitute.

The question is, how much responsibility do you take for him, how much of that can you handle/do you want to handle.

I understand where you are coming from. While all might not be ok right now you obviously had feelings for him when you married him and you have a child together, as you say when he is sober he's not a bad person.

Has he been to rehab? As he has lots of free time if he were going to pursue recovery now would be an ideal time, he doesn't seem to be serious about it though. If he has mental issues is he seeing a counsellor or psychologist, has he seen a psychiatrist?

There are rehabs that treat people with other issues aside from the alcoholism (dual diagnosis). Obviously that has to be his decision.

If you want to help perhaps that is something you can discuss with him when he is rational.

You didn't cause it, can't control it and cant cure it.

Seren

Many of us have been involved with an active alcoholic for far longer than we should have been because we operated on feelings - F.O.G.
Fear
Obligation
Guilt

The only problem is that we manufacture those feelings ourselves, when we really don't need to. Decisions made out of these feelings are usually never good ones.

Your husband is a grown man. Grown men deal with life on life's terms. They search out the resources they need to succeed in life. I suspect that your husband, if he does have mental health issues, has seen medical professionals about it in the past (otherwise, how would he know?). Perhaps encourage him to seek the help he needs, but it sounds as though you have done so--many times already.

I hope that you won't allow yourself and your child to be held hostage to someone else's addiction. Sending good thoughts from across the pond!

tomsteve

have you talked to your daughter about the situation?
as it is, sh could be learning that this is how a marraige is and end up there herself in the future.
doent have to be unpleasantries nor drinking in front of her to be effected- just seeing the actions and interaction between mom and dad can effect a child positively or negatively and may not show up for years.

Ladybird579

I live in the UK too and all is not lost. You can get him out but it may cost you initially. I don't know if you would do this but when me and exah initially split up I paid for him a place to move to ( bond and rent upfront ) and he claimed rent rebate on housing benefit cos he wasn't working and also job seekers or in his case your ah may get ESA as he has mental health issues. It seems a lot of money to put up ( probs about 1.5k all told depending where you live in UK) but it would be worth it and cheaper than footing his alcohol bill for the rest of his life. As you are in rented he would only be entitled to take things he has bought.

ChloeRose63

You need to get him out of the house. Stop enabling him. Your daughter is being subject to an awful lifestyle that will leave an impact on her. What are you going to do for her? Something has got to change and only you can make that happen. Do something to make things right. There are women's shelters to get you out and on your feet. You can't stay with him because it will get worse. Alcoholism is progressive.

atalose

Other than his drunk presents in your lives how exactly is he contributing in a positive way in your daughter’s life? You can’t trust him alone with her or to watch her as normal fathers do. You are showing her that mothers and fathers live separately already by being in separate rooms and by leaving often when he takes to drinking. You are teaching her that this is what a marriage is all about. Do you want her repeating your choices as she grows up, getting involved with an alcoholic and living as you are today because this is what her normal is and will become the longer you keep her in this situation.

We can’t live an “ideal” life with a happy mom and dad with lots of love, caring, sharing and commitment to the family with an active alcoholic. That’s like trying to live a fantasy where reality is the obstacle each and every single day.

It stinks but we can't turn another human being into who we want and wish them to be. Even if he was able to stop drinking AGAIN he'd have years ahead of him in learning new ways to cope with life and then he'll have a lifetime of staying sober each and every single day.

SmallButMighty

Silvertabby,

I grew up in a home where my Dad drank, he always provided for us and was never violent with any of us. He was mostly just a drinker, rarely drunk and when he was obviously drunk, it was silly , funny dad listening to music and letting loose.

My mum was (is) extremely codependent. She rarely ever drank alcohol and when she did, never to excess. She put up with a lot of crap over their 50yr marriage. She watched him drink himself to death during that time.

I swore I'd never have a marriage like my parents..... BUT.... I married a drinker and eventually became a raging codependent. Two decades and two kids later I divorced a drunk, so that I could try to regain back my sanity. I'd spent my 20s and 30s trying to be the wonder-woman wife and mother I thought my mum was, because I thought I HAD to... I felt it was my job to be the glue that held my family together. My mental and emotional health were both utterly destroyed because I thought like that.

I truly believe my mother's example of codependence did a lot more harm to me than my fathers drinking. I grew up wanting to be the kind of mother and wife she was. All giving. I don't blame her, I know she did the best she could. I know her mother was not the best roll model either.

I have two kids, one is a daughter, she was 20 when her Dad and I broke up. She has learned a lot about alcohol and codependence, but it wasn't until AFTER she was an adult and had grown up in the same kind of childhood I did, with an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. I set a bad example while she was forming her ideas about what a normal family looked like. Hopefully with what we have both learned in the last few years we have broken the cycle.

I hope you go see someone with knowledge of the laws in your area so that you can make wise choices for both yourself and your daughter.

Hang in there, I know how hard it is trying to make sense of the chaos when married to an alcoholic.

MrsScoobydoo

I can relate to this entirely. Everything we have is mine so my partner would be in the same position. I also don't really know what if anything he would be entitled to as we have been together fo 8 years. I also have a child, he is 11 and is currently blissfully unaware of what happens every evening once he is in bed.

It is really hard to know what to do for the best.

Elle1974

I was in a similar situation. Looking back I could say "I wish I had of put a plan in place". But I didn't. I left in the middle of the night as a result of a horrible argument between me and my ex. We have two children. It was the ultimate fight or flight. I was tired of the put downs. I was becoming someone else. I was disgusted by him. I had so much contempt and bitterness towards him. I could hardly look at him passed out on the couch beside me without wanting to throw up. I know it sounds harsh, but I had waited and waited and waited for things to change and things only got worse. I left our house (because he wouldn't), it was in both of our names. I left everything behind, ended up losing the house and going bankrupt. I took my girls and stayed with a friend who had very little heat, a broken shower and my girls had to share a bed. We stayed there until I could figure something else out. We ate dollarstore wagon wheels and juice boxes and whatever else I could afford for the kids. I lost 25lbs.
I decided to save myself!
I would do it all over again. It was painful and confusing. But three years later we are in a much better place and my children are now 13 and 15 and learning to thrive.
I have put my life back together and have found a way. I am myself. I am hopeful. I am no longer a shell of a person. I have found self respect again. I no longer feel crazy.
This is just my story. There were many hurdles and lots of tears. I just continued to love and hug my kids. And took one day at a time.
Right now they are sitting on the couch beside me laughing looking at their iphones and being normal teenagers.
It can be done. You have to decide what you want more....sanity....or utter and complete insane darkness. What are you willing to give up?
PS: I loved my ex btw. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to be happy together.
He died two months ago of an acute brain hemorrhage and NEVER stopped drinking.

Bernadette

From Elle: "It can be done. You have to decide what you want more....sanity....or utter and complete insane darkness. What are you willing to give up?"

That's it right there.
My exH wasn't an A, but I had perfectly recreated the DYNAMIC of my parents' alcoholic/codependent marriage. I had learned it so well. I am so lucky I got out of my marriage after only 7 years. I also lost a lot financially, but you know what, my peace of mind, my sanity, my normal household for the children, was all completely worth it 100%. No amount of material comfort or money is worth my sanity or happiness.

Take it one step at a time Silvertabby. Talk to a lawyer, make a plan. It will be tough but once you are in motion it is never as bad as the catastrophizing nonsense that rolls around in our heads! Think of your Future Self and how she will thank you for taking what you know are the correct steps now!

Glad you found this place - collectively we've seen everything.
Peace,
B.