Thought Today was The Day
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 4
Thought Today was The Day
New here but been reading a ton so thank you in advance. Boyfriend suffers from addiction to alcohol and kratom (yes, it is highly addictive for some). And maybe a few other things here and there. Well, after a couple years of not knowing how bad it is (we don't live together but are with each other at least 15 days per month), denial, enabling, promises that it's not that bad, that he can control it, holding him while he tries to withdraw at home, lies, a little stealing and probably more lies - I finally had enough and stopped dancing around the subject and he has admitted that he's essentially killing himself and that things are bad. So we know that means it's real bad. Well, we found a program where he could safely detox and he got his work shifts covered and I felt like there was a glimmer of hope towards a path to recovery.
He was going to go tomorrow and now it turns out his new insurance won't cover the program he wanted to do - so now there's no plan. Being who I am, I immediately went into Plan B mode and I've found two other solutions for detox/short term rehab but as far as I can tell, he hasn't looked into either at all. I even called and got all the info - and it sounds like a great first step - 3-5 day detox - voluntary. Someone to help him through the withdrawals in a safe place...doctors...real people to help him. He keeps saying, "don't worry, I'm going to fix me." and "trust me, I'll figure this out". But he won't just pick up the phone.
So now what? I had this milepost of something actually happening today towards his recovery and now...nothing. I don't trust that he's going to do anything. I can't MAKE him do anything. And it's tearing me up inside.... Worst part is he got his work shifts covered so now I sit here thinking that all he's going to do is drink and do whatever other substances because he doesn't have to work and just spiral deeper and deeper. And I can't do a damn thing about it. It feels like if someone I loved was having chest pains and numbing in their left arm and won't go to the hospital and instead decided to run a few miles. I know I can't control it or cure it, but just sitting here with no plan is torture.
He said he's going to look into a therapist - I've sent him no less than three great options in the past month and he's never done anything about it. I guess I had to learn the hard way about all powerful addiction is and how hard it is to make that first step. I know this isn't about me, but my God it sucks that the person I love and care about won't just DO something...anything. So now what? Just let go of it and if he decides to do something, great, if not, then what? Why do I feel like I'm being played? Being lied to? That maybe all along he knew he wasn't going to go - and yet used it as a way to placate me? I'm seriously imaging every worst case scenario here and it sucks. I put way too much expectation and hope into something happening today - and maybe he's just completely thrown off and can't focus on a new solution. I don't know!! I just feel like maybe it's all been just words...maybe there was never any intention of action. So I have to let go and detach...I really had been doing so well - I just DON'T want to continue down this path anymore. I know...take care of me...but for goodness sake's - between the alcohol, kratom, Advil PM, marijuana, adderall, who knows what else - he could be dead tomorrow. Man addiction SUCKS.
He was going to go tomorrow and now it turns out his new insurance won't cover the program he wanted to do - so now there's no plan. Being who I am, I immediately went into Plan B mode and I've found two other solutions for detox/short term rehab but as far as I can tell, he hasn't looked into either at all. I even called and got all the info - and it sounds like a great first step - 3-5 day detox - voluntary. Someone to help him through the withdrawals in a safe place...doctors...real people to help him. He keeps saying, "don't worry, I'm going to fix me." and "trust me, I'll figure this out". But he won't just pick up the phone.
So now what? I had this milepost of something actually happening today towards his recovery and now...nothing. I don't trust that he's going to do anything. I can't MAKE him do anything. And it's tearing me up inside.... Worst part is he got his work shifts covered so now I sit here thinking that all he's going to do is drink and do whatever other substances because he doesn't have to work and just spiral deeper and deeper. And I can't do a damn thing about it. It feels like if someone I loved was having chest pains and numbing in their left arm and won't go to the hospital and instead decided to run a few miles. I know I can't control it or cure it, but just sitting here with no plan is torture.
He said he's going to look into a therapist - I've sent him no less than three great options in the past month and he's never done anything about it. I guess I had to learn the hard way about all powerful addiction is and how hard it is to make that first step. I know this isn't about me, but my God it sucks that the person I love and care about won't just DO something...anything. So now what? Just let go of it and if he decides to do something, great, if not, then what? Why do I feel like I'm being played? Being lied to? That maybe all along he knew he wasn't going to go - and yet used it as a way to placate me? I'm seriously imaging every worst case scenario here and it sucks. I put way too much expectation and hope into something happening today - and maybe he's just completely thrown off and can't focus on a new solution. I don't know!! I just feel like maybe it's all been just words...maybe there was never any intention of action. So I have to let go and detach...I really had been doing so well - I just DON'T want to continue down this path anymore. I know...take care of me...but for goodness sake's - between the alcohol, kratom, Advil PM, marijuana, adderall, who knows what else - he could be dead tomorrow. Man addiction SUCKS.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi and Welcome.
So I'm reading about all the things that you are doing for him but I don't see anything here about what you are doing for yourself. It's not your job to make appointments, give him options, etc. That's HIS job and if he is serious about getting help for his addiction then he WOULD be doing all those things himself but he's not so to answer your question, yes, he is playing you and he will play you for as long as you allow/enable him to. Sorry to be so blunt but that's the honest truth. Feels good, right?
Please find YOURSELF some help on how to deal with this situation for YOU. Have you read Codependent No More? Have you tried an Al Anon meeting? I urge you to stay on your side of the street and let HIM deal with HIM. You can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themself. It's all about actions... pay attention.
Good Luck and please keep posting
Big Hug, I know it's hard but it's necessary.
Ro
So I'm reading about all the things that you are doing for him but I don't see anything here about what you are doing for yourself. It's not your job to make appointments, give him options, etc. That's HIS job and if he is serious about getting help for his addiction then he WOULD be doing all those things himself but he's not so to answer your question, yes, he is playing you and he will play you for as long as you allow/enable him to. Sorry to be so blunt but that's the honest truth. Feels good, right?
Please find YOURSELF some help on how to deal with this situation for YOU. Have you read Codependent No More? Have you tried an Al Anon meeting? I urge you to stay on your side of the street and let HIM deal with HIM. You can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themself. It's all about actions... pay attention.
Good Luck and please keep posting
Big Hug, I know it's hard but it's necessary.
Ro
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