Chandni

As painful as the realisation of abuse in my marriage and coming out of this denial of him being an alcoholic was , my divorce seems to be getting uglier by the day.
My almost ex AH has now accused me of fraud in our marriage by stating that I married him for his money and the benefits I was getting out of the marriage. That he bought me a car and spent money on me and that's all that I wanted from him. That I left after I was done using him and could support myself
A little back story. Me and my AH met when I was in school in Chicago. He was in a different city and we did long distance for a while . I saw that he drank a little more than usual when we went out but I never knew what alcoholism or addiction looked like. He is high functioning. Has an amazing job. I am a professional too.
When I graduated , he was aware of my student loans. We had made a decision to pay down that debt asap by living on his income and supporting our needs. We were married for 4 years. During that time , we had multiple fights about his drinking habits but he was a weekend binge drinker and never stumbled during weekdays. I talked to his parents over and over everytime he passed out on Friday night but they convinced me that his father would talk to him and it wouldn't happen again. This cycle went on for 4 years till I was exhausted , scared. Between all of this , my husband started financially controlling everything . Would not open a joint account with me. Kept me under the guilt that since I was paying down my loans and had nothing to contribute to the joint account , we didn't neee it. I was so so so careful
About my expenses because I always was guilty of him taking care of us even though it was OUR decision to pay down loans.
When I left, I was suicidal . Now he and his family are saying that I left when my loans were done because I did not want to give money at home and I used him for a place to live and used him for his cars. He was always abusive towards me and my father because we stood up against his behavior . My father had multiple conversations with his parents about him passing out on weekends which was the only days during the week that we had time to spend together. His family eventually Said that I was incapable of managing the house and my career so I should quit my career and take care of the house and my husband only. I felt like I was going psychotic because it all just never made sense to me that why would I quit my career when my husband is 36 years old and we have no kids. Who am I taking care of ?
I am exhausted. Emotionally drained. I keep going back to al anon over and over because I feel some sense of respite.
Help!

Sleepyhollo

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Sounds like he is an emotional abuser and roped his family into it as well. All the more reason to know you’re doing the right thing. No advice really but is anyone (courts etc) really buying all his accusations? Because I would think that what you’re saying here would be obvious red flags to anyone in the justice system. No joint account because you’re not contribuitng? Making you stay home to take care of the house even though you have no kids? That’s isolating you from the outside world. I mean if you wanted to stay home whether you have kids or no kids and everyone is on board with that is one thing. But him and his family saying you need to stay home to take care of the house is crazy talk. And you are a professional and working so how is that taking advantage of him? If he was so worried about it he should have done a prenup. I don’t know if a domestic violence place would have any resources to help you deal with this. Are you in individual counseling? It might help you work through this as well.
It’s obvious he has got his parents convinced what a bad person you supposedly are so they’re no better. And parents should not even be involved in a marriage.
Anyway, good luck to you. Hopefully you will be done with this sooner than later so you can start putting this behind you.

Bernadette

Hi Chandni,
Sounds very stressful. What are the ramificatons of him "accusing you of fraud?"
What does your lawyer say?
He and his family thinking badly of you or hurling insults at you - so what! Let them think whatever the heck they want! You know the truth. You know what you were dealing with, you lived with the alcoholic insanity.
I hope you have a good lawyer. Follow their advice, and try to separate the drama from the facts.
Peace and good luck-
B.

PuzzledHeart

The student loan/car issue: it's a distraction. I'm sure a judge would be able to figure out a fair way to address the student debt/car situation, IF it needs to be addressed at all.

It is easier for his family to worry about the financial compensation, which makes you look like the bad guy, rather than the alcoholism, which is the elephant in the room. Whatever the student loan situation is - there will be an end to it. The alcoholism -that's a whole different matter.

My cousin physically and sexually abused several members of his family and his parents STILL enable him. He abused his sister and his parents still came to his defense. They actually hid one of his victims from her father so he wouldn't see what had happened. You have _no idea_ how low they can go in the name of love and enabling.

Someone told me this phrase once: "You can't talk reason with crazy." It has served me well.

dandylion

Chandni.....I am going to go out on a limb, here....because I just get a feeling that you come from a situation where family has a traditional, powerful influence in the lives of their children..including their marriages. Very close extended family influence.....
You don't have to answer that, if you don't want to...but,if this is correct, I can see where this would have a very strong impact on you....as if your essential ch aracter and gender role expectations have been held in question by those who are significant to you....

LostinLB

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think it is very painful when the A's family turns on you. They should be supporting you and wanting to help their son. Unfortunately you becoming the bad guy in the situation is far more normal - from what I have seen on these threads and my own personal experience.

If they believed you - then they have to step out of their denial and face the facts that his drinking is a big enough problem that it will destroy his marriage. Way easier to get behind that you were just using him and are now trying to get out of it by claiming he has a drinking problem. It's a lonely place to be.

I agree with what was posted above - who cares what they say - you know the truth. Do not let their denial make you question what you have been living with and going through. I have never been through a divorce, so I may be naive about how it goes, to me it seems like this wouldn't even be an issue. The judge will see through the smear campaign. Paying your student loans was a decision you guys made as a couple that makes sense for the future. End of story.

AnvilheadII

is he claiming this by way of a lawsuit? counter-suit to the divorce? or is he just making noise with his mouth?

Chandni

Counter suit to my cruelty charges that I filed during divorce because Texas allows for fault based divorce. He has been extremely verbally abusing in the past while Intoxicated. He constantly told me that he would rip up
Our marriage certificate and no one would know we were married. It's almost like at times he resented marrying me but other times I was the only one he wanted to marry.
A dual personality. Anyway , that's what his counter accusation seems to be on discovery paperwork and he wants to drag it to a trial instead of mediation . Sigh. This when we have no kids.
Also, he claimed that I married him for citizenship apparently. Which I don't even know how he can claim because I got my citizenship based on my permanent residency from 2001! Which I can prove so easily ! It's like I just don't understand how is he writing something like that ok court documents. Almost like he does not care

Chandni

Yes I come from a cultural background where marriage is a family affair. I was not used to it because my family is small and private. I did not realiZe how interfering his family would become in our marriage. His mother lived in a different state but I felt her perpetual presence in our house. She wanted to know everything that went on in the house. Everything. To the point that she once told me that why don't you try talking to him(my AH and her son) while you guys are getting intimate and he's in a vulnerable position!!! He might listen then to why he should quit drinking . I was like WHAAAAAA !!!!
Complete lack of boundaries and when I tried setting some - I was the bad one.
My husband already made me the bad one because I was against his drinking. He could not and would not stand up to her.
First two years of our marriage , his father was filing our taxes. I found it rather awkward. So I then forced my husband to get a CPA on board to file our taxes. This is a 36 year old man that I am talking about

dandylion

Chandi...I think it is good that you are going to alanon and I hope that you keep it up.....
Don't you think that you could use the additional support from a therapist to help you through this? You might need some help that is more specific to your situation.....

Chandni

The saddest part of all of this is that I still find it so hard to move on and go no contact. I keep justifying why I left. Just in case he sees it and gets the help he needs. Clearly I need to work on the 3Cs more

Bekindalways

Chandni, this sounds so very difficult. I hope you are documenting what is going on and collecting evidence of what has occurred in the past.

Keep taking the best care of yourself you can!

dandylion

Chandni.....have you read all of the articles in our excellent library?

Here is the link.....(also, called the "stickies", at the top of threads)....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)