Help me figure this out
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Ladysadie 
One thought comes to mind, if your wife had begun drinking again this go-round after suffering from a recent loss, perhaps she needs to grieve through this loss with professional help? Is she being supported through the heartache she no doubt feels? Grief doesn't have a timeline or an end. It's a process - maybe her drinking is a way of not dealing with her grief?
I am so sorry your marriage is fractured. Boundaries are what gives me issues in several of my relationships. I can certainly relate to where you are coming from, I would be tempted to start the process of splitting things up if divorce is the boundary you set. A fair minded mediation to start the process (I'm sure you've given it a lot of thought already) could be the wake up call (or not) your wife needs.
Doesn't have to be filing for divorce right now but getting your affairs in order, inventory your assets, documents etc before things get contentious (hopefully they won't but expect that they will).
My biggest advice - be fair, be compassionate but be firm. Attorneys are costly and in the end it's a shame if they end up with more than anything you two could amicably resolve.
Just my 2c worth but I'm old. In the end some things in life aren't worth fighting. Could it be your marriage has served its purpose, maybe time to move on for both of you? Only you can know that in your heart of hearts.
I am so sorry your marriage is fractured. Boundaries are what gives me issues in several of my relationships. I can certainly relate to where you are coming from, I would be tempted to start the process of splitting things up if divorce is the boundary you set. A fair minded mediation to start the process (I'm sure you've given it a lot of thought already) could be the wake up call (or not) your wife needs.
Doesn't have to be filing for divorce right now but getting your affairs in order, inventory your assets, documents etc before things get contentious (hopefully they won't but expect that they will).
My biggest advice - be fair, be compassionate but be firm. Attorneys are costly and in the end it's a shame if they end up with more than anything you two could amicably resolve.
Just my 2c worth but I'm old. In the end some things in life aren't worth fighting. Could it be your marriage has served its purpose, maybe time to move on for both of you? Only you can know that in your heart of hearts.
Interestingly enough it is OSF boundary I feel more strongly about.
I understand the recovery process and know she will promise from here to tomorrow about drinking. But I am powerless about it and if she takes her recovery very seriously I will support her but not at the expense of abuse and violence in the house, as far as drinking is concerned. The drinking just took second place to the entitlement to trample on marital boundaries.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I get that about honoring each other, not too much to ask. AA Meetings are one thing but the extra-curricular activities would undermine my trust as well if I were in your shoes. When the dance of the codependence thing is fully engaged, it is hard to keep the boundaries from slipping and sliding. Hold your ground, it is the healthy thing to do.
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Location: W Washington
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without sounding weird, i was thinking about this thread as i was in the shower getting ready this morning.....primarily about boundaries.
see there are RULES - you must do <<this>> in this manner or there will be some form of consequence. this could be driving and speed limits, curfew for teenagers, paying taxes, or a house rule about no alcohol.
boundaries on the other hand are about US. they are OUR boundaries, we do not create boundaries FOR another person. boundaries tell us what WE will do in response to someone else crossing one of OUR boundaries. we can share what our boundaries ARE with others, but they are not obligated to respect them or comply.
you can have a rule or "agreement" that your wife will not have any friendly contact with other men. that's telling her how to conduct herself and who she may and may not intermingle with. and that rarely ever works.
you can have a boundary that IF she develops or maintains relationships of any sort (outside of professional), the YOU will take certain ACTIONS. you have expressed your displeasure, she continues to make other choices, so now as they say the ball is in YOUR court.
you don't have any control OVER her.
you only have control over yourself, and your actions.
see there are RULES - you must do <<this>> in this manner or there will be some form of consequence. this could be driving and speed limits, curfew for teenagers, paying taxes, or a house rule about no alcohol.
boundaries on the other hand are about US. they are OUR boundaries, we do not create boundaries FOR another person. boundaries tell us what WE will do in response to someone else crossing one of OUR boundaries. we can share what our boundaries ARE with others, but they are not obligated to respect them or comply.
you can have a rule or "agreement" that your wife will not have any friendly contact with other men. that's telling her how to conduct herself and who she may and may not intermingle with. and that rarely ever works.
you can have a boundary that IF she develops or maintains relationships of any sort (outside of professional), the YOU will take certain ACTIONS. you have expressed your displeasure, she continues to make other choices, so now as they say the ball is in YOUR court.
you don't have any control OVER her.
you only have control over yourself, and your actions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
without sounding weird, i was thinking about this thread as i was in the shower getting ready this morning.....primarily about boundaries.
see there are RULES - you must do <<this>> in this manner or there will be some form of consequence. this could be driving and speed limits, curfew for teenagers, paying taxes, or a house rule about no alcohol.
boundaries on the other hand are about US. they are OUR boundaries, we do not create boundaries FOR another person. boundaries tell us what WE will do in response to someone else crossing one of OUR boundaries. we can share what our boundaries ARE with others, but they are not obligated to respect them or comply.
you can have a rule or "agreement" that your wife will not have any friendly contact with other men. that's telling her how to conduct herself and who she may and may not intermingle with. and that rarely ever works.
you can have a boundary that IF she develops or maintains relationships of any sort (outside of professional), the YOU will take certain ACTIONS. you have expressed your displeasure, she continues to make other choices, so now as they say the ball is in YOUR court.
you don't have any control OVER her.
you only have control over yourself, and your actions.
see there are RULES - you must do <<this>> in this manner or there will be some form of consequence. this could be driving and speed limits, curfew for teenagers, paying taxes, or a house rule about no alcohol.
boundaries on the other hand are about US. they are OUR boundaries, we do not create boundaries FOR another person. boundaries tell us what WE will do in response to someone else crossing one of OUR boundaries. we can share what our boundaries ARE with others, but they are not obligated to respect them or comply.
you can have a rule or "agreement" that your wife will not have any friendly contact with other men. that's telling her how to conduct herself and who she may and may not intermingle with. and that rarely ever works.
you can have a boundary that IF she develops or maintains relationships of any sort (outside of professional), the YOU will take certain ACTIONS. you have expressed your displeasure, she continues to make other choices, so now as they say the ball is in YOUR court.
you don't have any control OVER her.
you only have control over yourself, and your actions.
She sent me back a warm loving and understanding text saying she understands how deeply i feel about it and she loves me so she understands - it is non negotiable. She agrees.
We'll see - in the meantime mediated divorce in my area starts around 5G and all accounts are being organized and stored in a safe place. I am standing my ground. Next is alcohol.
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Originally Posted by donewithhurting
Exactly - we had it out today I said you can have relationships with anyone you want but not as my wife. If thats what you want i will begin separation process tomorrow.
She sent me back a warm loving and understanding text saying she understands how deeply i feel about it and she loves me so she understands - it is non negotiable. She agrees.
We'll see - in the meantime mediated divorce in my area starts around 5G and all accounts are being organized and stored in a safe place. I am standing my ground. Next is alcohol.
She sent me back a warm loving and understanding text saying she understands how deeply i feel about it and she loves me so she understands - it is non negotiable. She agrees.
We'll see - in the meantime mediated divorce in my area starts around 5G and all accounts are being organized and stored in a safe place. I am standing my ground. Next is alcohol.
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