Help me figure this out
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
LOL tomsteve, I love when you weigh in since you have been on both sides of this. Good stuff.
I am seriously doubting anyone is cheering on a relapse. However, will they lead her back in gently and tell her that relapse is part of addiction? Yes. If they were not accepting people, no one would ever come. I am hoping she has a sponsor, and that is where the rubber should meet the road.
As I said, get a contract in place to deal with relapse. And, keep calling her out on her BS. Her hating to be called out is HER problem, not yours. Only you can decide if you can live w/her lies and manipulation. As it's always said, more will be revealed.
I am seriously doubting anyone is cheering on a relapse. However, will they lead her back in gently and tell her that relapse is part of addiction? Yes. If they were not accepting people, no one would ever come. I am hoping she has a sponsor, and that is where the rubber should meet the road.
As I said, get a contract in place to deal with relapse. And, keep calling her out on her BS. Her hating to be called out is HER problem, not yours. Only you can decide if you can live w/her lies and manipulation. As it's always said, more will be revealed.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's the lying I have to most trouble with. I guess that's part of the recovery eh?
If there is anything at all to celebrate it would be the simple fact that after your wife chose to drink she chose to go back to AA. Sure, she doesn’t sound like she is actually working the program yet – maybe never but she is where she needs to be and hearing what she may need to hear.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
Update: Confrontation last night. Almost ended the marriage.
This morning she admitted she was wrong and has made a promise to herself not to drink. I have heard "one day at a time" way too often. This is now my boundary. Crossing it will mean the end of the marriage. She knows it. The ball is in her court. I trust she is taking it very seriously and want the marriage to continue. I will stay vigilant and determined to mind my own boundaries. Thanks for everyone's input and help.
This morning she admitted she was wrong and has made a promise to herself not to drink. I have heard "one day at a time" way too often. This is now my boundary. Crossing it will mean the end of the marriage. She knows it. The ball is in her court. I trust she is taking it very seriously and want the marriage to continue. I will stay vigilant and determined to mind my own boundaries. Thanks for everyone's input and help.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Downwithhurting......would you consider taking a break from the marriage for at least one year.....and re-evaluate co-habitation at the end of a year?
The reason that I ask is because when both partners work their own separate programs...while being detached from each other....those couples seem to have the best chance of saving the marriage. Of course, there are never any gurantees...but, it does give the best chance, statistically.....
The early recovery period is one of such upheavel and prickliness that it is almost impossible to not be entangled in each other's resentments, anger, fear, and pain....especially, living under the same roof!
What does your program consist of?
Can you describe it?
The reason that I ask is because when both partners work their own separate programs...while being detached from each other....those couples seem to have the best chance of saving the marriage. Of course, there are never any gurantees...but, it does give the best chance, statistically.....
The early recovery period is one of such upheavel and prickliness that it is almost impossible to not be entangled in each other's resentments, anger, fear, and pain....especially, living under the same roof!
What does your program consist of?
Can you describe it?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Downwithhurting......would you consider taking a break from the marriage for at least one year.....and re-evaluate co-habitation at the end of a year?
The reason that I ask is because when both partners work their own separate programs...while being detached from each other....those couples seem to have the best chance of saving the marriage. Of course, there are never any gurantees...but, it does give the best chance, statistically.....
The early recovery period is one of such upheavel and prickliness that it is almost impossible to not be entangled in each other's resentments, anger, fear, and pain....especially, living under the same roof!
What does your program consist of?
Can you describe it?
The reason that I ask is because when both partners work their own separate programs...while being detached from each other....those couples seem to have the best chance of saving the marriage. Of course, there are never any gurantees...but, it does give the best chance, statistically.....
The early recovery period is one of such upheavel and prickliness that it is almost impossible to not be entangled in each other's resentments, anger, fear, and pain....especially, living under the same roof!
What does your program consist of?
Can you describe it?
Separation would spell the end of the marriage. I don't believe in separations. You are either married, or divorced.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Crossing it will mean the end of the marriage. She knows it. The ball is in her court. I trust she is taking it very seriously and want the marriage to continue. I will stay vigilant and determined to mind my own boundaries
If you do not agree with separating as Dandy has suggested to deal with your separate issues are you prepared for divorce? I think the chances of her staying sober to continue the marriage are nil. I say this cos my exah could not stay sober for anything or anyone and ultimatums never, ever work. I think you are more likely to be able to continue your marriage if you work separate programs for a period of time but only if your wife is 100% committed to sobriety for herself and not for you or anyone else. Am getting the impression she is telling you what you want to hear rather then what is deep down in her heart.
If you do not agree with separating as Dandy has suggested to deal with your separate issues are you prepared for divorce? I think the chances of her staying sober to continue the marriage are nil. I say this cos my exah could not stay sober for anything or anyone and ultimatums never, ever work. I think you are more likely to be able to continue your marriage if you work separate programs for a period of time but only if your wife is 100% committed to sobriety for herself and not for you or anyone else. Am getting the impression she is telling you what you want to hear rather then what is deep down in her heart.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
Ladybird - I am trusting for now. The last time I brought up divorce was a decade ago and she went cold turkey clean for 6 years. A family crisis brought on this latest round of drinking. She is serious about her aa meetings and living a life of sobriety. I think the mixed message of accepting slipping as part of recovery is a major contributor to this last "decision" to drink.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Sounds like you are building a good set of tools for yourself moving forward.
One negative habit I developed living with active addiction/alcoholism was trying to give ultimatums or negotiate for quite honestly basic human rights that should come naturally to two healthy individuals in a committed relationship. It always bit me in the rear end. My spouse would do something really horrible, then get angry/defensive (of his addiction), then would come a period of him being remorseful. The remorse period definitely shortened with each cycle. While the really horrible events increased.
I have a quote on my desk, not sure who wrote it that says: Someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a position where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity or your self worth to be with them.
The road you are on is difficult, I hope you find a way to stay true to yourself and your happiness. You deserve it.
If you mentioned this already please forgive me, are there children involved also?
GM
One negative habit I developed living with active addiction/alcoholism was trying to give ultimatums or negotiate for quite honestly basic human rights that should come naturally to two healthy individuals in a committed relationship. It always bit me in the rear end. My spouse would do something really horrible, then get angry/defensive (of his addiction), then would come a period of him being remorseful. The remorse period definitely shortened with each cycle. While the really horrible events increased.
I have a quote on my desk, not sure who wrote it that says: Someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a position where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity or your self worth to be with them.
The road you are on is difficult, I hope you find a way to stay true to yourself and your happiness. You deserve it.
If you mentioned this already please forgive me, are there children involved also?
GM
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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downwithhurting.....I was only giving an option that I have seen other people take. At one time, my husband and I had an Oxford House...(you can google their website)....(we rented the house to Oxford House)......
It was a sober living house the average stay was 6mo. to o ne and one half years. The members had regular visits with family...who mostly, lived locally. their progress was really good for the most part... m any of the were married.
Just wanted you to know what opti ns were available.
I would caution you, though, that if you make a boundary...like "If you drink again, I am gone"....make absolutely sure that you are prepared and able to act on that. Otherwise, your words will ring hollow.....
It was a sober living house the average stay was 6mo. to o ne and one half years. The members had regular visits with family...who mostly, lived locally. their progress was really good for the most part... m any of the were married.
Just wanted you to know what opti ns were available.
I would caution you, though, that if you make a boundary...like "If you drink again, I am gone"....make absolutely sure that you are prepared and able to act on that. Otherwise, your words will ring hollow.....
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Originally Posted by Gm0824
Sounds like you are building a good set of tools for yourself moving forward.
If you mentioned this already please forgive me, are there children involved also?
GM
If you mentioned this already please forgive me, are there children involved also?
GM
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I love this quote thanks
"I have a quote on my desk, not sure who wrote it that says: Someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a position where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity or your self worth to be with them."
"I have a quote on my desk, not sure who wrote it that says: Someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a position where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity or your self worth to be with them."
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by donewithhurting
Wife stopped drinking 4 months ago and has been gong to AA almost everyday. Her recovery was going very well.
Over the past couple of weeks i noticed her moods changing and mentioning that everyone slips at AA and she thinks many members drink occasionally but dont admit it. She has been very proud of her sobriety in all areas of her life. She really got it.
Last nigh she came home and i knew she had been drinking. It was obvious to me and she tried her best to cover it up. And that was obvious.
I kept my mouth shut. This amorning, she was acting weird and i read about what to do in these situations on a variety of sites.
So I confronted about the lying and hiding. I understand about slipping but the lying and hiding I cannot deal with.
Over the day she has flipped the script and now I am the abuser bad guy,
Everyone at her AA meeting supported her slipping as long as she came back to the meeting... and made me the bad guy.
I am pissed. So am I to assume that AA is all about slipping and being cheered for coming back and anyone who says otherwise becomes the enemy?
What am I supposed to do? I cannot take the sneaking around and lying to my face anymore.
And yes, I attend Al-Anon.
Over the past couple of weeks i noticed her moods changing and mentioning that everyone slips at AA and she thinks many members drink occasionally but dont admit it. She has been very proud of her sobriety in all areas of her life. She really got it.
Last nigh she came home and i knew she had been drinking. It was obvious to me and she tried her best to cover it up. And that was obvious.
I kept my mouth shut. This amorning, she was acting weird and i read about what to do in these situations on a variety of sites.
So I confronted about the lying and hiding. I understand about slipping but the lying and hiding I cannot deal with.
Over the day she has flipped the script and now I am the abuser bad guy,
Everyone at her AA meeting supported her slipping as long as she came back to the meeting... and made me the bad guy.
I am pissed. So am I to assume that AA is all about slipping and being cheered for coming back and anyone who says otherwise becomes the enemy?
What am I supposed to do? I cannot take the sneaking around and lying to my face anymore.
And yes, I attend Al-Anon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
Couple days ago i smelled alcohol on her breath. She said it was mouth wash. She was acting... strangely. Then verbally abusive (typical A behavior for her)
Caught red handed... Today.
She wasn't home. I went looking for a fresh box of tissues - into her bathroom cabinet where we store them.
Voila, a glass of Scotch hiding behind them!
Debating what I should do... I poured it out and left it there... took the box of tissues. She has not been home yet to see it.
Thoughts?
Should I have left it there? Put a straw in it? Put a happy Caribbean style drink umbrella in it?
Caught red handed... Today.
She wasn't home. I went looking for a fresh box of tissues - into her bathroom cabinet where we store them.
Voila, a glass of Scotch hiding behind them!
Debating what I should do... I poured it out and left it there... took the box of tissues. She has not been home yet to see it.
Thoughts?
Should I have left it there? Put a straw in it? Put a happy Caribbean style drink umbrella in it?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's all about what you are willing to live with, I think. This could be as good as it ever gets. It could definitely get a whole lot worse. Unless she finds some willingness to do what it takes to really recover--but of course, you don't have any power over that.
You do have the power to decide what you will live with and for how long.
You do have the power to decide what you will live with and for how long.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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donewith......I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....You can read one every day...there are a LOT of them.
There is a lot to know. Knowledge is power.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
donewithhurting....it would have been a good time to detach from her recovery/drinking by doing nothing with the hidden liquor bottle. Anything you do will only make it worse. She knows she is drinking. You know she is drinking. Nothing you do will make any positive difference. So why make yourself "crazy" over it.
It is obvious that you are simmering in anger and resentment. You have stated an unwilliness to live separated for a whole to give her the time and space to deal with her recovery/or relapses. So, that leaves two other options....(1) Go to al anon and learn to detach and live with the situation...while working your own program.....(2) or, divorce. Divorce and work your own program...because no matter what you decide to do...you will need to work on changes for your own self. You are affected by the alcoholism and, you would be likely to pick someone with similar issues, down the road......We all tend to repeat our patterns unless we gain enough insight to learn from them.....
LOl...you asked for thoughts...so, I humbly submit these......
***hopeful4 gives good advice to draw up a contract for relapse....I suggest that you two do that with the help of an alcohol counselor.....
There is a lot to know. Knowledge is power.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
donewithhurting....it would have been a good time to detach from her recovery/drinking by doing nothing with the hidden liquor bottle. Anything you do will only make it worse. She knows she is drinking. You know she is drinking. Nothing you do will make any positive difference. So why make yourself "crazy" over it.
It is obvious that you are simmering in anger and resentment. You have stated an unwilliness to live separated for a whole to give her the time and space to deal with her recovery/or relapses. So, that leaves two other options....(1) Go to al anon and learn to detach and live with the situation...while working your own program.....(2) or, divorce. Divorce and work your own program...because no matter what you decide to do...you will need to work on changes for your own self. You are affected by the alcoholism and, you would be likely to pick someone with similar issues, down the road......We all tend to repeat our patterns unless we gain enough insight to learn from them.....
LOl...you asked for thoughts...so, I humbly submit these......
***hopeful4 gives good advice to draw up a contract for relapse....I suggest that you two do that with the help of an alcohol counselor.....
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