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My ex ah is a bully

Old 02-14-2018, 08:01 AM
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My ex ah is a bully

My ex ah is a bully. Always has been. I did not really pick up on this behavior until our last couple of years together. When we were together if I tried to stand up to him I of course would have to pay the consequences. As soon as we separated, I started to stand up for myself or not give in to when he asked for something. One thing I have learned is that he might try a few attempts to get me to do what we wants but each time he has backed down. Pretty much all talk.
I let the fear of what he said he was going to do stop me from making healthy decisions. Turns out what he says he is going to do is all just empty threats. Feels good to be able to stand up for myself with out the repercussions about what would happen if I did not follow his orders. I will say that when we married he would break stuff (mainly of mine or threaten to which is not an issue now since we are not married and if he did that now he knows I will press charges)

From your experience is the bullying a typical behavior of an alcoholic? In my case, I think it is his personality but the alcohol magnifies it. This behavior is not directed to just me, I have noticed it in his relationships with family and friends. Everything just has to be his way and if you don't go along you will pay the price.
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Old 02-14-2018, 09:02 AM
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I think it is his personality but the alcohol magnifies it. This behavior is not directed to just me, I have noticed it in his relationships with family and friends.
I expect this is true, it's his personality and alcohol magnifies it.

Also true: when you hold your ground with a bully they will back down. They may sputter and bluster but it's just talk, like you say. I have a friend who I've learned to ignore when he gets like that.
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Old 02-14-2018, 09:05 AM
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My alcoholic mother was a bully. I remember her being angry all the time, and it was never really clear why.

My XABF could be a bully, too, but with him it was just more like one of many tactics he tried to get whatever he wanted or to deflect attention from whatever he was and wasn't doing (like paying me the money he owed me in rent).
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Old 02-16-2018, 12:23 AM
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Yes, my RAH is a bully when confronted when drinking. Tries to bull doze his way through or use threats and intimidation. Has punched holes in the doors, smashed furniture in anger.
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Old 02-16-2018, 01:00 AM
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Good for you!!!! Reading that made me smile. In my case my AH isn't a bully or mean, sober or drunk. He's just annoyingly talkative and affectionate when he's drunk. It makes me want to lock him in his garage until he sobers up. I think alcohol brings out whatever is already within the person, since their guard is down when they are drunk. Just my .02 worth.
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Old 02-16-2018, 02:33 AM
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I agree with Wamama. Well said. Not everyone becomes an abusive bully when drunk. One thing I think is true of people who are abusive is that their abuse or bullying happens around other issues too, not just their drink or drug of choice.
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Old 02-16-2018, 10:11 PM
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I agree with the above. My exwf was just a cheater,liar,addict,bad person..magnified at times by substances. ExAgf...was always a selfish,angry, unreasonable person sober or drunk..obviously worse drunk. Some people are just asses!
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Old 02-18-2018, 09:25 AM
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My XAH is a bully to our son. It was that reason why i finally divorced him. I didnt see the abuse towards me at the time, but I saw how he bullied our son and one of the dogs. I think he may also be a bully towards his mother. He is only like this when drinking. And this mean behavior only manifested in the last 18 months.

I had to threaten him with a restraining order after his last encounter with our son a few weeks ago. We havenít heard from XAH since. I put my son in therapy but my son refuses to continue to go (heís 17).

Itís a big mess. I am at a loss how to get my son to continue therapy. How does a parent continue to drink when he knows his behavior when drinking is abusive.
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