Boyfriend just coming out of a relapse
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Boyfriend just coming out of a relapse
Hello everyone 
I was hoping I could get some advice. My boyfriend of a year & a half is just coming out of a relapse that began December 8th. He is currently in a “behavioral health unit” and his local hospital due to a hollow threat of suicide while under the influence of ALOT of cocaine and alcohol. He has been there since last Wednesday.
My question is if it is normal for him to seem distant emotionally. For instance - he is only allowed to use his cell phone 2 hours a day... yet when he has it, he doesn’t use that time to talk to me, which I find odd. The first few days he was in there he was crying all the time apologizing, saying he missed me, loves me so much can’t believe this happened, etc. I would think that since we can’t talk as much as we normally do that he would take advantage of every chance he got to communicate... but clearly I’m wrong I just don’t know why. I went to see him twice (he asked me to) he calls me 1-2 times a day ... but I still get the feeling he doesn’t care to talk to me... just like the last 2 months when he was messed up. I’d like to ask him about it but I don’t know if he’s actually doing it intentionally.
This has been a VERY rough few months for me emotionally & I am just a mess at this point. Will accept any & all advice.
Ps: his recovery is the most important thing right now... I don’t mean to sound like I’m whining.... but I just don’t know if I should just ride it out or talk to him about how I’m feeling. Thank you
I was hoping I could get some advice. My boyfriend of a year & a half is just coming out of a relapse that began December 8th. He is currently in a “behavioral health unit” and his local hospital due to a hollow threat of suicide while under the influence of ALOT of cocaine and alcohol. He has been there since last Wednesday. My question is if it is normal for him to seem distant emotionally. For instance - he is only allowed to use his cell phone 2 hours a day... yet when he has it, he doesn’t use that time to talk to me, which I find odd. The first few days he was in there he was crying all the time apologizing, saying he missed me, loves me so much can’t believe this happened, etc. I would think that since we can’t talk as much as we normally do that he would take advantage of every chance he got to communicate... but clearly I’m wrong I just don’t know why. I went to see him twice (he asked me to) he calls me 1-2 times a day ... but I still get the feeling he doesn’t care to talk to me... just like the last 2 months when he was messed up. I’d like to ask him about it but I don’t know if he’s actually doing it intentionally.
This has been a VERY rough few months for me emotionally & I am just a mess at this point. Will accept any & all advice.
Ps: his recovery is the most important thing right now... I don’t mean to sound like I’m whining.... but I just don’t know if I should just ride it out or talk to him about how I’m feeling. Thank you
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Welcome Lizziebabie, so glad you found us and so sorry for the reason you are here. It does indeed sound like you have been through the wringer and more in the last few months. I would imagine you are indeed a mess.
I left my qualifier long before he sought any type of sobriety so didn't go through that part of things. I have read from many here that the first year of a partner's sobriety is hell . . . which pretty much sucks as it would seem by the time they seek sobriety, the partner would get a little sugar for all they have put up with but this is not the case.
Please do every thing you can to take care of yourself. Eat well, get exercise, surround yourself with the most supportive people you know. This can be a super tough time for couples.
Let us know how you get on.
I left my qualifier long before he sought any type of sobriety so didn't go through that part of things. I have read from many here that the first year of a partner's sobriety is hell . . . which pretty much sucks as it would seem by the time they seek sobriety, the partner would get a little sugar for all they have put up with but this is not the case.
Please do every thing you can to take care of yourself. Eat well, get exercise, surround yourself with the most supportive people you know. This can be a super tough time for couples.
Let us know how you get on.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Hi LB,
For the first few weeks of my sobriety it was incredibly hard to think rationally and stay focused on anything for more than maybe thirty seconds. My girlfriend visited me the second weekend of inpatient and I was still very much in a fog. I clearly remember her saying something that prompted me to want to respond, but by the time she finished her sentence, I couldn't remember what I intended to say. It was really frustrating and scary at the time. That passed gradually and after maybe a month I was much more clear headed, but still was prone to wild emotional swings for no apparent reason. These are some of the symptoms of Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS), which is basically the time it takes for your brain and central nervous system to get back to whatever baseline remains after drinking and drugging.
Please do not take what is happening as being about you - he is still in the very earliest days of recovery. Give it time, and get informed. If you intend to stick this out, the better informed you are, the easier it will be to navigate whatever lies ahead.
For the first few weeks of my sobriety it was incredibly hard to think rationally and stay focused on anything for more than maybe thirty seconds. My girlfriend visited me the second weekend of inpatient and I was still very much in a fog. I clearly remember her saying something that prompted me to want to respond, but by the time she finished her sentence, I couldn't remember what I intended to say. It was really frustrating and scary at the time. That passed gradually and after maybe a month I was much more clear headed, but still was prone to wild emotional swings for no apparent reason. These are some of the symptoms of Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS), which is basically the time it takes for your brain and central nervous system to get back to whatever baseline remains after drinking and drugging.
Please do not take what is happening as being about you - he is still in the very earliest days of recovery. Give it time, and get informed. If you intend to stick this out, the better informed you are, the easier it will be to navigate whatever lies ahead.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lizzie,
Welcome and great questions. If you want to go and read the new to recovery forum on sr, you can educate yourself on what he might be going through. He can be all over the place getting off the alcohol. Step back, and work on you. You need to take this time and get healthy also.
Stick with us my friend and you will be ok, also.
Welcome and great questions. If you want to go and read the new to recovery forum on sr, you can educate yourself on what he might be going through. He can be all over the place getting off the alcohol. Step back, and work on you. You need to take this time and get healthy also.
Stick with us my friend and you will be ok, also.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
Thank you
Thank you to those of you who responded. Your words of encouragement are incredibly appreciated. I will continue to read about what he is going through so I better understand and am more sensitive to what is going on. I plan on sticking it out, I’ve made it this far ;-) thank you all again!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
considering the amount of drugs he was taking and that he is in a behavioral health unit, i wouldn't expect much from him for some time to come. he likely suffered drug induced psychosis and his brain is going to need a long time to straighten out. one does not just bounce back from this in a week or so.........he also will need to put ALL his energy into overcoming his addiction and sadly that won't leave a lot of time to be a boyfriend or much of anything else.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lizzie.....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....(this library is also called the "stickies"...at the top of the main page).....
I hope you will take the time to read them...there are a lot...so you could read one every single day.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
A book that I think will resonate with you, a lot, is "Co-Dependent No More"....It is an easy read and a real eye opener for most....
I hope that you will continue to stay around on the forum...and, read, learn, and post.....
I hope you will take the time to read them...there are a lot...so you could read one every single day.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
A book that I think will resonate with you, a lot, is "Co-Dependent No More"....It is an easy read and a real eye opener for most....
I hope that you will continue to stay around on the forum...and, read, learn, and post.....
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Picture yourself gasping for air, finding it hard to take a deep breath and unable to breathe normally and you are panicking that you cannot breathe. And at the same time you have someone standing next to you saying “but what about . He’s in a real fight for his life right now, and that’s all that is going to matter.
Sadly, your feeling are not going to matter at this point in time and sharing them could just be added pressure on him. Now is the time to show empathy and compassion, not panic about the relationship.
He’s in a behavioral health unit, this is beyond a hallow suicide threat, he has some big issues to overcome and that’s going to take a very long time.
but I just don’t know if I should just ride it out or talk to him about how I’m feeling. Thank you
He’s in a behavioral health unit, this is beyond a hallow suicide threat, he has some big issues to overcome and that’s going to take a very long time.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by atalose 
Picture yourself gasping for air, finding it hard to take a deep breath and unable to breathe normally and you are panicking that you cannot breathe. And at the same time you have someone standing next to you saying “but what about . He’s in a real fight for his life right now, and that’s all that is going to matter.
Sadly, your feeling are not going to matter at this point in time and sharing them could just be added pressure on him. Now is the time to show empathy and compassion, not panic about the relationship.
He’s in a behavioral health unit, this is beyond a hallow suicide threat, he has some big issues to overcome and that’s going to take a very long time.
Sadly, your feeling are not going to matter at this point in time and sharing them could just be added pressure on him. Now is the time to show empathy and compassion, not panic about the relationship.
He’s in a behavioral health unit, this is beyond a hallow suicide threat, he has some big issues to overcome and that’s going to take a very long time.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Although he is incapable of being there for you as you go through this rough time, you still need support.
Please look into counseling or alanon. What you are going through is no joke and taking care of yourself may have as much or more to do with the survival of the relationship as his recovery does.
Let us know how you get on.
Big hug
Please look into counseling or alanon. What you are going through is no joke and taking care of yourself may have as much or more to do with the survival of the relationship as his recovery does.
Let us know how you get on.
Big hug
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lizzie.....regardless of what happens, I hope that you will follow the advice to keep reading...every day...fro m the list that I gave you.
The book..."CO-Dependent No More", also!
Knowledge is power.
Also, I hope you will continue to post and read the other stories of those who have been in your exact situation....
You need to have yourself and your welfare as your first priority....
The book..."CO-Dependent No More", also!
Knowledge is power.
Also, I hope you will continue to post and read the other stories of those who have been in your exact situation....
You need to have yourself and your welfare as your first priority....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
Update
Nothing has changed really. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on this site which has helped. The plan is he is supposed to come over for valentines tonight. I spoke with him (text) at 11 am and he said his anxiety was through the roof and he was very mean and threatened to block me (all I said was I understand and do what you need to do). He said he’d call when he calmed down. It’s now 4 & I haven’t heard a thing from him. I can’t help but get the feeling he doesn’t want to be with me. I deleted his number so I am not tempted to “bother” him... but now I’m like beside myself.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
That's very disappointing, Lizzie, I'm sorry.
It is very tempting to personalize someone else's issues, but we end up hurting ourselves when we do. He is not in a good place right now, and that would be the case regardless. As bad as it feels, it has nothing to do with you, and it is his responsibility to manage.
Plan something indulgent for yourself tonight, and take good care of you.
It is very tempting to personalize someone else's issues, but we end up hurting ourselves when we do. He is not in a good place right now, and that would be the case regardless. As bad as it feels, it has nothing to do with you, and it is his responsibility to manage.
Plan something indulgent for yourself tonight, and take good care of you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
You might want to read this thread, in particular the part where London has a conversation with her ex who is newly out of rehab.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-problem.html (Realizing How Huge His Problem Is)
It's a good basic description of what it's like for someone I imagine. He is so irritated in general and anxious and unhappy and unsettled.
Not saying your BF is this or not, but it's worth noting I think. He's probably not in a great place.
Please try to focus on yourself as Sparklekitty so wisely mentioned.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-problem.html (Realizing How Huge His Problem Is)
It's a good basic description of what it's like for someone I imagine. He is so irritated in general and anxious and unhappy and unsettled.
Not saying your BF is this or not, but it's worth noting I think. He's probably not in a great place.
Please try to focus on yourself as Sparklekitty so wisely mentioned.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 14
[/QUOTE]
Please do not take what is happening as being about you - he is still in the very earliest days of recovery. Give it time, and get informed. If you intend to stick this out, the better informed you are, the easier it will be to navigate whatever lies ahead.[/QUOTE]
I’ve read this like 20x tonight. He was out tonight at a notoriously romantic restaurant in his town. I know bc I can see his location through the find my iPhone thing. Anyways, he was there, or in the general area. He FaceTimed me when he got home and said he’s been lying on the couch all night. Lied right to my face. He has never lied to me unless he was drinking but I could tell he wasn’t drinking. I asked him if he wanted to get lunch tomorrow and he said “yeah whatever” then said he doesn’t want to see anyone, yet went to lunch today with one of his “bad” friends and then was out tonight. So it’s very hard at this point for me to NOT think it’s not about me. He’s being awful to all the other “good” people in his life though too. I’ve read a ton or articles and posts on here but none are really giving me what I need I guess. I’d really like to know how long this super anxious/irritable phase lasts, because it’s killing me
Please do not take what is happening as being about you - he is still in the very earliest days of recovery. Give it time, and get informed. If you intend to stick this out, the better informed you are, the easier it will be to navigate whatever lies ahead.[/QUOTE]
I’ve read this like 20x tonight. He was out tonight at a notoriously romantic restaurant in his town. I know bc I can see his location through the find my iPhone thing. Anyways, he was there, or in the general area. He FaceTimed me when he got home and said he’s been lying on the couch all night. Lied right to my face. He has never lied to me unless he was drinking but I could tell he wasn’t drinking. I asked him if he wanted to get lunch tomorrow and he said “yeah whatever” then said he doesn’t want to see anyone, yet went to lunch today with one of his “bad” friends and then was out tonight. So it’s very hard at this point for me to NOT think it’s not about me. He’s being awful to all the other “good” people in his life though too. I’ve read a ton or articles and posts on here but none are really giving me what I need I guess. I’d really like to know how long this super anxious/irritable phase lasts, because it’s killing me
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
That stage can last as long as it takes for the person to work on their recovery (which only they can commit to doing, and going through the motions won't cut it), and decide they want to be a better person. Isolating is pretty standard in early recovery, but that's not the same as cheating and then lying about it, which is kinda optional and shows that he's not so into the idea of changing himself for the better any time soon.
Cheating and lying would be a deal breaker for me. I suspect that you, like all other people, deserve better treatment than that. But like his recovery is his choice, how we let people treat us is our choice. It's worth asking yourself what your personal deal-breakers are, writing them down and making a pact with yourself to stick to them. Lots of folk find that al-anon helps them to learn how to make, and stick to, healthy boundaries.
I'd also recommend that book that others have mentioned.
BB
Cheating and lying would be a deal breaker for me. I suspect that you, like all other people, deserve better treatment than that. But like his recovery is his choice, how we let people treat us is our choice. It's worth asking yourself what your personal deal-breakers are, writing them down and making a pact with yourself to stick to them. Lots of folk find that al-anon helps them to learn how to make, and stick to, healthy boundaries.
I'd also recommend that book that others have mentioned.
BB
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Cheating and lying would be a deal breaker for me. I suspect that you, like all other people, deserve better treatment than that. But like his recovery is his choice, how we let people treat us is our choice. It's worth asking yourself what your personal deal-breakers are, writing them down and making a pact with yourself to stick to them. Lots of folk find that al-anon helps them to learn how to make, and stick to, healthy boundaries.
I'd also recommend that book that others have mentioned.
BB
I'd also recommend that book that others have mentioned.
BB
Lizzie, I would back waaaaayyy off. Leave him alone. You do you. What's the saying, "People show you who they are...believe them."
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