Realizing How Huge His Problem Is

Old 02-13-2018, 08:38 PM
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Realizing How Huge His Problem Is

Just got a call from the A bfriend/ex-bfriend (no idea what to call him at this point). Has been a week since I've heard from him while in Sober Living and frankly was not expecting to hear from him again. Was very conflicted on whether or not to answer but I decided to given our last exchange was him reaching out to me to try to explain how he was feeling. Maybe I was "caving", I don't know ...

He was leaving a meeting walking back to his house. We talked for an hour. Aside from when I first answered and him asking me "what are you doing?" not once did he ask me how I was or how was my day, etc. ... but I was OK with that. I asked how he was and he started on. He was frustrated, angry, sounding aggressive, a bit hostile, tho the direction wasn't toward me as I felt it was in the beginning when he first went in.

Started telling me tidbits as to what's been happening with him. Told me he only got a Sponsor 2 days ago and how that was a frustrating process finding someone to completely trust (for some reason I thought he already had one, my mistake); told me about the meeting tonight he was in and how he was so frustrated and aggravated that while a speaker was up that the people sitting who were supposed to be listening were too busy texting on their phones, walking out for smoke breaks, etc. (which irritated him because he thought disrespectful, and yes he's due to start anger management classes soon because he does have a problem with that); told me about how his house bedroom roommate has a major snoring problem and how he rarely sleeps at night and winds up on the couch most nights; told me how his grandmother called him and he was short with her, didn't know what to say to her because he's so out of sorts and felt bad about that. I reminded him of how I really didn't know what to say to him when he was calling me from rehab and that he shouldn't feel bad at all. There were a few other things, all these things that were setting him off. Not himself, this is definitely not the same guy I knew but then but then again the guy I knew was drinking back behind my back. I just basically listened.

He did tell me how he felt like he had it more together and in control while he was drinking (which scared me). Told me how he journals every night but how his writing is sh*t, his motor skills are lost. Told me he felt his thoughts were sharper when he was drinking. I tried to tell him they were absolutely not. I tried to tell him baby steps, baby steps ... no rush to fix everything right away, it will come.

He told me about this great little record store he found not far from him (the pic I saw on his FB the other night); he told me how he's been missing everyone badly. Told me he was nervous about being chosen to speak in Group for the first time tomorrow to speak about his life. Said he's been pretty much in a shell since being in SL and how he's been feeling so overwhelmed and has been keeping to himself so being called out to speak tomorrow has him a completely unnerved. He started going on delving into things he might possibly say tomorrow, one of them being a heroin overdose which I never knew about (snorted heroin when he thought it was cocaine) where he almost died. Maybe talking about his mother who passed away from kidney failure about three years ago (which I feel like he never dealt with proper and has had a huge affect on him). I asked him if he's brought this up with his counselor, I asked him if he's brought anything up about me and him? He said no. Again, he's said he's only been opening up over the last two days.

He did tell me a couple of times in our talk that he wanted to call me while having these feelings because he wanted to make sure or at least try to give me a better understanding of what he's going thru and how he's feeling, and how all over the place and what a mess he feels, and that it's not me.

Regardless of me being a Co-Dependent or Empath, regardless of whether he was just using me to vent, or how this all came down in the end, I'm thankful for this call. As hurt as I am missing him and that this relationship will most likely not be what I thought it might ... I now understand more that this problem, HIS problem is so much LARGER and uncontrollable than I ever possibly knew. Feeling very much less bad for me and just ultimately hoping he'll be OK.

Thank you again everyone for your support in the past week ...
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Old 02-13-2018, 08:55 PM
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Irghhh . . . .London you do seem to be on a string of, "More is being revealed."

He doesn't sound outside of normal for his situation although "normal" at this stage is not good.

Please keep taking care of yourself and posting here.
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Old 02-13-2018, 09:17 PM
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If he is only a boyfriend, cut him loose. If I knew what I know now I would never have married my husband. I was dating a solid boring guy when I met my husband, but we al anons want the excitement, etc and I opted for the 'excitement.' If I could have known then what I know now I would have run for the hills. You have the chance to run for the hills. Do not become enmeshed with your exb, go and live your life far far away!
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Old 02-14-2018, 05:27 AM
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London - thanks for posting.

IMHO, I think your XBF/BF needs to start confiding and bringing all of these thoughts, feelings and emotions to his sponsor. That's the first place where he can start trusting the sponsor.
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Old 02-14-2018, 10:33 AM
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Codependents are "fixers" otherwise we would know how to pick better and pass on the messiness of this kind of relationship and the heartbreak it brings.
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Old 02-15-2018, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Ladysadie View Post
Codependents are "fixers" otherwise we would know how to pick better and pass on the messiness of this kind of relationship and the heartbreak it brings.
It's a wonderful feeling coming out on the other side. When you can help/assist people the "right way."

When you don't want or feel the need to invite or take on anyone else's issues and problems. ♥♥
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Old 02-15-2018, 08:14 AM
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Sigh . . . London. It doesn't look like you are dealing with someone engaged in Recovery.

Might be time to come up with a plan for detaching, grieving, circling the wagons of support for yourself . . . . and more grieving and more grieving and more grieving . . . .ugh, this sucks beyond anything. (Circling the wagons is a term in the US referring to Pioneers and wagon trains)

This is not fun and many of us have had to leave when our qualifiers don't obtain recovery.

I left my qualifier before there was internet and before there were cell phones. Best thing I've ever done. I know this isn't right for everyone; However years later I met up with him and he told me I did the absolutley right thing.
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Old 02-15-2018, 09:13 AM
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Your post reminded me of something that has resonated with me many times in the past (and that I often need to remind myself):

You and he do not live in the same realities/planets.

He lives in a world that makes 100% sense to him (even if he's lying to himself) and has no basis in logic in our world here.

So, any attempt to make sense of this or understand it is only likely to frustrate you, for you cannot know the rules of his reality when you weren't born and raised (and are still living) there.
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Old 02-15-2018, 09:56 AM
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Just got a call from the A bfriend/ex-bfriend (no idea what to call him at this point).

And that is what you must decide, a choice that only you can make. With more being revealed to you the choice becomes that much easier.
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Old 02-15-2018, 11:38 AM
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Just wondering ... are there ever any success stories?? Because I'm not finding any. Happy endings to these stories in regard to relationships surviving and sustaining? I don't, I CAN'T believe each and every one is a failure? Most things I read, I just had my second session with a counselor, alot of what I'm coming across and people I'm talking to all say just to head for the hills and run! Just save myself and run. Feels like me wanting to have "hope" is a bad thing and completely pointless.

And this is a bit of what I struggle with ... I know I'll never fully understand this problem. And knowing I won't and knowing that these can be and are some bad BAD situations, and knowing that this is HIS problem and that it's ALL on him and is beyond me, I still want to live a life believing, and having faith and hope.
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Old 02-15-2018, 11:42 AM
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Hope is a beautiful thing.

Hope is not a Plan.

There are many, many "Success Stories?" threads right here on this forum, but the main thing to understand is that if you want success defined in a certain way, you are limiting your outlook.

Of the success stories of that ilk that I've seen/heard of, it has only happened when BOTH partners work vigorous and individual recoveries.

Consider, too, that if everything turns out perfect, people don't always hang around a support forum long enough to tell about it.
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Old 02-15-2018, 11:48 AM
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Consider, too, that if everything turns out perfect, people don't always hang around a support forum long enough to tell about it.


This is true!!
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Old 02-15-2018, 12:43 PM
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Any many come back to the support forums when history repeats itself again.
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Old 02-15-2018, 01:00 PM
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My qualifier did eventually get sober and, as far as I know, has been so for upward of 20 years. He has children and a career and a relatively productive life.

I've found a medication that works for my depression and have done some interesting things in my life: learned a second language, traveled, and developed relationships with my nieces and nephews.

He did tell me, years after I left him, that I did the right thing. If I wasn't so codependent, I would probably value saving my own life more. However I tend to value a belief that I contributed to his recovery by leaving. My success was doing the right thing. My fantasy-romance that was going to magically save me from my own issues was a complete flop.

"Hope" is a concept that most of us here have mixed feelings about. If you can at all do it, start working on a plan: boundaries, detachment, support, and ways to go no-contact if you need to.
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Old 02-15-2018, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by London393 View Post
Feels like me wanting to have "hope" is a bad thing and completely pointless.
I still want to live a life believing, and having faith and hope.
Living on hope takes on much pain if the other person is not doing the hard work. There will be little gained and a ton of work. It is a long slow process if the person does not want a recovery process other than just giving up the substance. That will change very little without internal work and external change. This work will not be chosen by everyone. Including the partners effected by another person's habits.
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Old 02-15-2018, 04:10 PM
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I don't, I CAN'T believe each and every one is a failure? Most things I read, I just had my second session with a counselor, alot of what I'm coming across and people I'm talking to all say just to head for the hills and run! Just save myself and run. Feels like me wanting to have "hope" is a bad thing and completely pointless.

Realistically success rates are low. Sustained success is even lower. I worked with alcoholics trying to recover and out of all of them.....every single one who truly wanted to get sober only one managed it and even he had a few blips. Getting sober is very hard work. Staying sober even harder. It's not wrong to hope but it would be wrong to put your life on hold while you are hoping. I hoped for 20 years that my now exah would get sober. I wasted 20 years of my life cos he never did and 4 year post divorce he never has.
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Old 02-15-2018, 08:59 PM
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London, I keep getting you mixed up with Lizzie. You are in somewhat similar positions but also different.

Please excuse those of us who are older and have a bit of Alzheimers in our family.

Have a good day!! (Night time in the US and I'm thinking your are in the UK although maybe you picked the name for some other reason!)
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Old 02-16-2018, 07:05 AM
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Addicts and Normies all have wonderful catchphrases... so I will share one often heard...

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

Hope is always good, but one must always be grounded in the reality. As mentioned before, and addict maintaining sobriety is a lifelong journey for all involved with low success rates.
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Old 02-16-2018, 12:09 PM
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I still want to live a life believing, and having faith and hope.

you can. but WE enter dangerous territory when WE place our hope and faith in another faulty human and expect THEM to meet our expectations and make everything ok.

remember you yourself took to some serious drinking as a way to mitigate your own pain. this entire 18 month relationship has been fraught with problems, most of them on his side....multiple rehabs and whatever, now i'm drunk, now i'm sober, now i like you, now i don't.

NOBODY deserves that kind of chaos just to try and keep one person that we have deemed OURS chained to the radiator. we don't OWN others. we don't get to pick and say yup YOU ARE NOW MINE and then expect them to conform to the ideas we harbor of what THEY should be like.

the BEST thing you can do is learn to let go. learn to get thru a break up, in one piece. learn how to not get in so deep with someone that you feel you can't breathe unless you hear from them every three hours. learn what trustworthy LOOKS like. learn what calm stability LOOKS like. steer clear of trouble.
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Old 02-16-2018, 02:13 PM
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NOBODY deserves that kind of chaos just to try and keep one person that we have deemed OURS chained to the radiator. we don't OWN others. we don't get to pick and say yup YOU ARE NOW MINE and then expect them to conform to the ideas we harbor of what THEY should be like.

the BEST thing you can do is learn to let go. learn to get thru a break up, in one piece. learn how to not get in so deep with someone that you feel you can't breathe unless you hear from them every three hours.



I'm not trying to keep anyone chained to a radiator nor am I trying to own anyone. Nor am I trying to force him to be mine or force him to conform (tho I obviously want the best for him) or expect anything from him. And I am not NOT breathing just because I don't hear from him every three hours nor have I ever felt that way.

It was the sudden change in him, his attitude once he entered Sober Living that caught me off guard and caused my tailspin. My issue and struggle was when he went in and away I felt he was SO ANGRY "with me" based on some things he said and that's what hurt me more than anything, when in fact he wasn't. He's since reached out to me twice to try and explain this, how difficult this is for him and how overwhelmed he feels and that he loves and cares for me and this is just so hard for him. I don't call or text him nor do I plan to. He's in where he needs to be and hopefully will be there for a very long time doing what he needs to do to get himself better. I have no expectations of him nor do I have any expectations of the relationship we had.
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