He wants proof that being a dry drunk wont work permanently
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He wants proof that being a dry drunk wont work permanently
He asked me to show him proof in black and white. I know he's not ready to quit for good. He says he doesn't need help, he won't find some deep dark secret that his mom abused him and that's why he drinks, he just like the taste of beer. He can continue to do this himself and be fine. I'm sure it will do no good, its just a bluff, but he asked to see proof. So, anyone know of some good statics of being a dry drunk verses a recovering alcoholic?
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 
He wants proof that being a dry drunk wont work permanently.
Originally Posted by Wamama48
He asked me to show him proof in black and white.
Did he?
Originally Posted by Wamama48
So, anyone know of some good statics of being a dry drunk verses a recovering alcoholic?
I'm asking you, why is this your problem?
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Hi Wamama!
The 5 G's helps me immensely with this:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6765781 (The 5 G's)
Dry drunk is another phase of the illness. My trying to reason with the illness, in any stage, was another phase of my illness... very normal, very common, simply another learning opportunity.
Pray... and follow.
The way God/Universe/Great Spirit works in my life is sometimes directing me straight into things I'd rather avoid. I have a voice that's getting stronger... and often my voice is strongest by actions instead of words.
The 5 G's helps me immensely with this:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6765781 (The 5 G's)
Dry drunk is another phase of the illness. My trying to reason with the illness, in any stage, was another phase of my illness... very normal, very common, simply another learning opportunity.
Pray... and follow.
The way God/Universe/Great Spirit works in my life is sometimes directing me straight into things I'd rather avoid. I have a voice that's getting stronger... and often my voice is strongest by actions instead of words.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Yes he does, and yes he did. Its not my problem. His drinking is his problem, always has been. I don't want to psycoanalize it to death, he asked me if I would do it and it's something I'm ok with doing. And, I don't need to explain my reasons to anyone, just asking for information.
Originally Posted by LLLisa
Does he?
.
Did he?
No, I don't.
I'm asking you, why is this your problem?
.
Did he?
No, I don't.
I'm asking you, why is this your problem?
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Alcoholic piping up here - I lived with a mother who spent time as a dry drunk, and in actual recovery.
The "proof"isn't a reasonable question - the reality is, IMO and IME, the answer. Living as a dry drunk kills a family emotionally. It devastates trust and it leaves all wounds open, and worsening. It is baffling to children - ie, mom's not drinking anymore so why is she still behaving just like she was?- and it just plain sucks for everyone.
My dad chose to stay with my mom through all stages and they are married still, 47 years come Nov. It was very difficult for all of us, and sometimes still is when "old habits" pop up.
Just another angle on this "question"....best to you.
The "proof"isn't a reasonable question - the reality is, IMO and IME, the answer. Living as a dry drunk kills a family emotionally. It devastates trust and it leaves all wounds open, and worsening. It is baffling to children - ie, mom's not drinking anymore so why is she still behaving just like she was?- and it just plain sucks for everyone.
My dad chose to stay with my mom through all stages and they are married still, 47 years come Nov. It was very difficult for all of us, and sometimes still is when "old habits" pop up.
Just another angle on this "question"....best to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Thank you Mangoblast. Some people (NOT you) see "codependant" in everything a spouse/significant other of the alcoholic, does and says. People need to know, there are 100 different things no one else knows about that could be affecting their decisions or what they are saying or doing. In this case my husband has very little vision left. Navigating websites with all the tiny writing is impossible for him.
Whether he wants the info to use as proof he doesn't need professional help, or proof that he does, it's not like its a matter of national security if I show him a kindness and help when he asks. Rant over, and thanks for the link. 😁
Whether he wants the info to use as proof he doesn't need professional help, or proof that he does, it's not like its a matter of national security if I show him a kindness and help when he asks. Rant over, and thanks for the link. 😁
Originally Posted by Mango blast
Hi Wamama!
There 5 G's helps me immensely with this:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6765781 (The 5 G's)
Dry drunk is another phase of the illness. My trying to reason with the illness, in any stage, was another phase of my illness... very normal, very common, simply another learning opportunity.
There 5 G's helps me immensely with this:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6765781 (The 5 G's)
Dry drunk is another phase of the illness. My trying to reason with the illness, in any stage, was another phase of my illness... very normal, very common, simply another learning opportunity.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
The question he asks keeps a tight control and focus on the problem. There are many, many aspects of this family disease of alcoholism I do not comprehend.
Turning my focus towards my mental, physical and emotional wellness changed everything. It became easier the more often I've done this.
Prayer:
Please give me eyes to see, ears to hear and strength to embrace the illogical.
Turning my focus towards my mental, physical and emotional wellness changed everything. It became easier the more often I've done this.
Prayer:
Please give me eyes to see, ears to hear and strength to embrace the illogical.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Wamama, how do you feel about him at the moment? Is he making life difficult for you, acting grumpy, passive aggressive or some other unpleasant behaviour? A dry drunk seems to be someone who has stopped drinking but hasn't learned how to handle sobriety with the physical and psychological pressures of not having alcohol as a stress reliever.
If he is handling sobriety ok, then maybe he can do it on his own. I never used a program, and relied on a sympathetic doctor and SR. Lots of people become sober on their own.
I do think you're right though, about him not having committed to sobriety forever, and if that's his mindset AA probably wouldn't help anyway. In my experience commitment comes first, followed by finding the most suitable support rather than find a program then commit.
If he is handling sobriety ok, then maybe he can do it on his own. I never used a program, and relied on a sympathetic doctor and SR. Lots of people become sober on their own.
I do think you're right though, about him not having committed to sobriety forever, and if that's his mindset AA probably wouldn't help anyway. In my experience commitment comes first, followed by finding the most suitable support rather than find a program then commit.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
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Wamama48 I too am an alcoholic in, I believe, recovery.
I don't at all want to start a debate but I do find the term "dry drunk" to be quite offensive and I believe it originated in the rooms of AA to be a person who has simply put down the bottle with no 12-step plan of recovery.
As a person who did put the bottle down at the point of being physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt I believe that we all inherently find our own recovery "method", be it through a recognised programme or otherwise. It is not easy to live without the crutch of the bottle if we don't.
That being said, your husband appears to be playing silly mind games with you as a smokescreen to avoid the issue of his own alcoholism. "liking the taste of beer" screams of avoiding the issue and denial. The truth of the matter is that alcoholism is progressive and kills. That is of course after it's taken everything you love, your health and your sanity. An horrendous way to go.
There won't be any black and white statistics available I suspect. There is much debate over the success of each of the recognised recovery methods let alone a comparison of them vs "going it alone".
Sending you a supportive hug it is a horrible situation (I have been on both sides). Please look after YOU and don't get sucked into his mind-games xxx
I don't at all want to start a debate but I do find the term "dry drunk" to be quite offensive and I believe it originated in the rooms of AA to be a person who has simply put down the bottle with no 12-step plan of recovery.
As a person who did put the bottle down at the point of being physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt I believe that we all inherently find our own recovery "method", be it through a recognised programme or otherwise. It is not easy to live without the crutch of the bottle if we don't.
That being said, your husband appears to be playing silly mind games with you as a smokescreen to avoid the issue of his own alcoholism. "liking the taste of beer" screams of avoiding the issue and denial. The truth of the matter is that alcoholism is progressive and kills. That is of course after it's taken everything you love, your health and your sanity. An horrendous way to go.
There won't be any black and white statistics available I suspect. There is much debate over the success of each of the recognised recovery methods let alone a comparison of them vs "going it alone".
Sending you a supportive hug it is a horrible situation (I have been on both sides). Please look after YOU and don't get sucked into his mind-games xxx
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This illness sucks!!!
It sucks the life out of people and relationships.
Recovery is found through fun, playful ways that are completely beyond any intellectual means... it's more of a "take the actions... then the thoughts, feelings and people heal".
Prayer is a very powerful action. So is self-care and self-compassion.
It sucks the life out of people and relationships.
Recovery is found through fun, playful ways that are completely beyond any intellectual means... it's more of a "take the actions... then the thoughts, feelings and people heal".
Prayer is a very powerful action. So is self-care and self-compassion.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wamama....the places that I think you would find the most reliable statistics on alcoholism...that I know of, that is...
1.National 'council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence
2. National Institutes of Health (NIH)----National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism--NIAAA
another place that you might look in the World Health Organization (WHO)
1.National 'council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence
2. National Institutes of Health (NIH)----National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism--NIAAA
another place that you might look in the World Health Organization (WHO)
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Posts: 2,281
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wamama....Here is a l ink to a specific article on research done by a National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions (NESARC)...
You might find it interesting to read...and your husband, too....
https://www.promises.com/articles/al...quit-drinking/
You might find it interesting to read...and your husband, too....
https://www.promises.com/articles/al...quit-drinking/
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
W,
I feel it is all about acceptance. I tried for 34 years to "convince" my axh that he was an addict, never happened. "Dry drunk or wet drunk" doesn't matter. He is just not ready, accept him for who he is.
I look back at all that time trying to convince "him" of "who or what" he was. It was a true waste of mine and his time. I see that now, didn't then. If you had 90 million books and documentation to prove your case, would he believe you and accept this, I say not. Give up my friend, its not worth the fight
One day he might seek help, or maybe not. Hugs
I feel it is all about acceptance. I tried for 34 years to "convince" my axh that he was an addict, never happened. "Dry drunk or wet drunk" doesn't matter. He is just not ready, accept him for who he is.
I look back at all that time trying to convince "him" of "who or what" he was. It was a true waste of mine and his time. I see that now, didn't then. If you had 90 million books and documentation to prove your case, would he believe you and accept this, I say not. Give up my friend, its not worth the fight
One day he might seek help, or maybe not. Hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
He wants proof that being a dry drunk wont work permanently
My exah used to try to have these debates with me. His quack was disputing the fact that an alcoholic cannot drink in moderation and cannot control their drinking. He would ask me to prove it to him and the proof was the fact he couldn't but he never saw that. I realised it was all a deflection from the truth which was he was looking for a way to carry on cos he had no intention of stopping and as you have said your husband is not ready to quit I think that is what he is doing too. I appreciate you helped him cos he cannot see but my exah cannot read and his eyesight is failing cos of his drinking but I still refused to engage in debate cos it was all a smokescreen to deflect from the fact he was not stopping for good anytime soon and he never did. All the time we get embroiled in their quacking we are not focusing on ourselves. I realised my now exah was still running the show while I was engaging in his side of things. It was all about him still.
My exah used to try to have these debates with me. His quack was disputing the fact that an alcoholic cannot drink in moderation and cannot control their drinking. He would ask me to prove it to him and the proof was the fact he couldn't but he never saw that. I realised it was all a deflection from the truth which was he was looking for a way to carry on cos he had no intention of stopping and as you have said your husband is not ready to quit I think that is what he is doing too. I appreciate you helped him cos he cannot see but my exah cannot read and his eyesight is failing cos of his drinking but I still refused to engage in debate cos it was all a smokescreen to deflect from the fact he was not stopping for good anytime soon and he never did. All the time we get embroiled in their quacking we are not focusing on ourselves. I realised my now exah was still running the show while I was engaging in his side of things. It was all about him still.
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Hi Wamama,
So... pray... follow... more will be revealed.
One of the huge changes I find in releasing these things to the universe is the energy behind them shifts from worry, fear and/or control TO hope, possibilities and staying inside my own heart-space.
There is a big difference between post acute withdrawal syndryme (PAWS) and "dry drunk", although at times there may be similarities. Taking things one day at a time, with focus on ourselves, allows room for healing on both sides.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...clean-now.html (Why dont I feel better even though I'm sober/ clean now?)
So... pray... follow... more will be revealed.
One of the huge changes I find in releasing these things to the universe is the energy behind them shifts from worry, fear and/or control TO hope, possibilities and staying inside my own heart-space.
There is a big difference between post acute withdrawal syndryme (PAWS) and "dry drunk", although at times there may be similarities. Taking things one day at a time, with focus on ourselves, allows room for healing on both sides.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...clean-now.html (Why dont I feel better even though I'm sober/ clean now?)
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
As someone who works with data, there is no such measure since you can't define what "works" is, and thus, how can you isolate a variable?
The only thing that is important is you and your context--that is, your marriage.
If it isn't working for one of the two people, in this case you, it isn't working for the marriage.
That's it in a nutshell. The rest is him simply trying to keep the status quo.
The burden of "proof" isn't on you--this is what we addicts do to refocus the problem off ourselves and get you to pick it up.
The important question is what will you do in the short span of time that you are given on earth?
Live fully with joy or "get by" in an unhappy situation?
The only thing that is important is you and your context--that is, your marriage.
If it isn't working for one of the two people, in this case you, it isn't working for the marriage.
That's it in a nutshell. The rest is him simply trying to keep the status quo.
The burden of "proof" isn't on you--this is what we addicts do to refocus the problem off ourselves and get you to pick it up.
The important question is what will you do in the short span of time that you are given on earth?
Live fully with joy or "get by" in an unhappy situation?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is an excellent response.
Originally Posted by August252015
Alcoholic piping up here - I lived with a mother who spent time as a dry drunk, and in actual recovery.
The "proof"isn't a reasonable question - the reality is, IMO and IME, the answer. Living as a dry drunk kills a family emotionally. It devastates trust and it leaves all wounds open, and worsening. It is baffling to children - ie, mom's not drinking anymore so why is she still behaving just like she was?- and it just plain sucks for everyone.
My dad chose to stay with my mom through all stages and they are married still, 47 years come Nov. It was very difficult for all of us, and sometimes still is when "old habits" pop up.
Just another angle on this "question"....best to you.
The "proof"isn't a reasonable question - the reality is, IMO and IME, the answer. Living as a dry drunk kills a family emotionally. It devastates trust and it leaves all wounds open, and worsening. It is baffling to children - ie, mom's not drinking anymore so why is she still behaving just like she was?- and it just plain sucks for everyone.
My dad chose to stay with my mom through all stages and they are married still, 47 years come Nov. It was very difficult for all of us, and sometimes still is when "old habits" pop up.
Just another angle on this "question"....best to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
11 monthes into dry drunk stage and as August states there's only minor changes. He's into himself more than he's there for the family. He's doing sobriety all alone, no doctor, no SR. I have to be happy that he's not drinking. Which I am. I'm living proof that just not drinking is not working. Isn't 5% better than nothing. Yes, but there are people who give 50%.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Wamama48
I know he's not ready to quit for good.
We've all looked for the magic words, magic actions, magic statistic that could turn an unwilling person into a willing one, but the only person who can do that is him. The only thing we can do is take care of ourselves.
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