tomsteve

So, anyone know of some good statics of being a dry drunk verses a recovering alcoholic?

i have proof, but only from one dry drunk- me.
when i was told i was on a dry drunk i denied it and told the man to bugger off( that was actually extremely kindly worded to what i actually said). it came from a man that had watched me regress into old ways of thinking, which the man that told me i was on a dry drunk had explained to me some time before( a few years) what a dry drunk was.
it took about 5 or so weeks before the thought of a 12 pack finally weazeled its way into the front of my mind. i came about 10-15 minutes away from adding the alcohol to complete the drunk- to add the alcohol into the actions and words i was exhibiting when i used to drink.
even after being told i was on a dry drunk, it didnt matter for crap because i was in denial.

in other words, factswouldnt do crap for me to admit it.

hopeful4

I really think we look at the why and how way too much.

It boils down to this. He does not want to stop drinking, his drinking bothers you. That's all there really is to it.

LovePeaceSushi

Wamama, my husband doesn't like meetings because "there are some real losers in there!" and "it's so depressing!"

He made it 54 days this past time, from Dec. 3 until a few days ago when he fell off the wagon. His behavior during that time wasn't so bad. We acknowledged the withdrawal symptoms and then those passed...some days would be stressful and he would admit he was having a craving. Towards the end, when he fell off, he had been having more and more cravings and then I got a stomach bug that left me in the bed for 3 days, knocked out with fever and phenergan. He took great care of me and took care of my daughter...and then for some reason, on my first day up and about and back in the world he backslid. No good reason....was just meeting a client that likes to drink and he decided "why not?".

I asked my husband just a few days ago, "do I need to go to the Goodwill and get a bunch of Polo shirts for the guys in AA to wear so you feel more comfortable attending a meeting? - because it would seem that trying to do it on your own is not going to work. " (yes, it was in a smart-a$$ tone)

The irony is that WE LEASED A BUILDING TO AN AA-GROUP!

So, no stats here, OP....just tell your hubby I said it doesn't work!!!

August252015

My heart goes out to you - and, I'd add... there are people who give 100%.

Someone mentioned "dry drunk" being a pejorative- I absolutely agree. It is an angry, possibly hateful term that is also desperate in its use when towards a loved one, in my case. When I was 15 and even 20 sometimes it was the only thing I could scream that got either parent's attention to the truth of what our living situation was- it wasn't mom working a strong program and building a life in recovery that comes BEFORE everything and everyone else (side note: this is what I do, because placing my recovery first ALLOWS me to have everything else that is good in my life, and have it happily for all parties).... it was mom using her guilt as a defensive posture, alternating with over-compensating efforts for damage done, and it was a wildly unpredictable and dysfunctional life for all of us. The juxtaposition with the money, privilege and all that we had (my brother and me) was often just totally confusing.

Personally, I can only be married (I am almost 2 years sober and married my high school sweetheart in Dec - we reconnected after 25 years and that's a whole other wonderful story) to someone who has the same dedication to a life of recovery first as I do. Other people figure out different ways to have relationships, but I advocate for a win-win: the alcoholic who commits to a full scale, progressive life in recovery, and the spouse who learns all the things they must do for themselves, and so on, to live their own best lives.

Ladybird579

Wamama, my husband doesn't like meetings because "there are some real losers in there!" and "it's so depressing!"

My exah said our whole town was full of alcoholics and drug addicts. The irony of how well he fitted in was lost on him.

PeacefulWater12

Us alkies always think we are different and special. Not like other alkies who are all losers! but we are.

Is called Terminal Uniqueness. It kills.

I was a dry drunk when I first quit, then I started working my recovery program. Gradually I became joyous, happy and free. And grew up!

SmallButMighty

I know there are people who don't care for the term "dry drunk", but unfortunately it is a very real thing for those of us who have had the misfortune of dealing with it. In some ways it was worse than when they are actively drinking, at least when the drink you know what to expect. His dry drunk behavior would pop up for apparently no reason. I now realize there very much IS a reason, but that doesn't change how awful it was.

My XAH was a classic dry drunk when he was abstaining. He'd get in horrible moods for no apparent reason.. or for extremely ridiculous reasons. He would say and do irrational things just like drunk him would. He projected and deflected and blamed his bad behavior on everyone else but himself. He slammed doors and hid out in solitude... the list was endless... it was drunk him with out the booze = dry drunk.

He never dealt with the demons that caused him to drink in the first place so bad behavior didn't change when he "simply" removed the alcohol from his life. Alcoholism was always lurking there, teasing him, infecting his brain and it made him a pretty terrible partner.

Of course he also suffered from "Terminal Uniqueness Syndrome" as well. Dangerous stuff.

For me, dealing with a dry drunk was equally as horrible as dealing with a wet one. I don't advise either activity.

As for proof... there is thousands of stories on these boards (and else where) about alcoholics and the people who love them, what worked and what didn't. There is not an easy fix to the situation, there never will be. Addiction sucks.

Gem010918

What an interesting topic...I never heard of the dry drunk term until now...just looked it up...clearly I need to plan my sobriety plan with therapy and soul searching so I wont continue being a dry drunk. I have been so focused on not drinking that I did not look at the other aspects of sobriety

hopeful4

August, you have lots of wisdom. I hope when you speak (or type lol), that people LISTEN.

honeypig

Agreeing w/Sparkle. "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still", as the old saying goes...

I'm sorry that you took offense to one of the posts, but truly, it's NOT up to you to convince him, regardless of his physical issues. Since he finds ways to get alcohol and drink, I've got to figure he's not completely helpless, right? Actually probably fairly resourceful, maybe?

I spent a long time waiting for XAH to acknowledge what seemed increasingly clear to me. It never happened. A few months ago, when he had come over for a cup of coffee and brief visit, he broke down in tears of fear b/c his drinking has now progressed to where he sometimes has trouble keeping his breakfast down. "It's going to kill me", he wept. Did my heart break? Of course--how could it not, if I was human at all? But he is still not willing to get serious about taking action to get sober for real.

ETA: This from my "Wisdom of SR" folder, from another member:
Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.

FireSprite

I agree. I've also never heard someone use it as anything but a label to describe the behavior associated with it - I've NEVER heard it thrown around in a derogatory, hateful, name-calling way.

To US - it implies nothing more than a person who is sober but not recovering in any way so their underlying, often abusive, behaviors remain largely unchanged in the absence of their DOC. Their Accountability & Awareness also remain pretty stagnant in that state.

I'm asking in ALL seriousness - if the shoe fits, what is so derogatory about using this term?

atalose

You want permanent recovery for him so that your marriage can improve and he’s telling you he does not want to give up the booze for good. I’m sure the reason he stopped consuming was because you told him you wanted him to move out, so he’s not drank and he’s still living there for now right? Dry drunk statistics will not change him or the fact that he’s already thinking about drinking again. It’s kind of a diversion on his part isn’t it and an argument that neither one of you is ever going to win.

aliciagr

I think the term "dry dunk" is a label that came about in AA originally for people who stop drinking but dont work the program and tend to their character defects and spiritual needs.

I think a more modern day use of the term "dry drunk" is someone who has stopped drinking but is having trouble living and functioning without the use of alcohol as a crutch. The longer a person is addicted, the more damage it usually does because of emotional and behavioral factors. Just learning what to do with time that was spent drinking, not being depressed, aggravated, feeling isolated and angry. Habits of sneaking, making excuses, feeling ashamed, or always being in defense mode to protect the addiction. I think these things take time to unlearn? The other thing to think about is PAWS. You might want to read up on this because its a group of symptoms which affect emotions, mood, and can be linked to depression and such. People dont always understand why they feel like they do, and help is available through a Dr with a lot of this stuff.

All of it can affect the family so heck ya family has a right to look into these things and understand whats going on possibly why its going on.

Im not sure what definition you have for the term "dry drunk" ?

I think people stop drinking in all kinds of ways. Stopping is stopping. And then a person has to find a way to live, feel good, be happy. I think this is done in a number of ways and all are specific to the person.

My husband stopped and worked with a psychologist in part because he does have a lot of inner stuff that he has never really been able to sort through on his own. He has never worked a program although he did try AA and was introduced to the steps. He didnt want to be part of that which is fine with me. Therapy also gave him a place to talk safely and I strongly feel it has been wonderful for him. As a family we also engaged more in our Christian faith/church. He no longer uses therapy on a regular basis. The goal of therapy is not to be a crutch either but a support to help move a person forward under their own steam. So is he a dry drunk because he stopped doing it. No. (I did therapy too, and it helped me a lot)

Some people just fear help of any kind. I also believe in the stages of change model. To give up an addiction, to move forward is not a one moment in time kind of thing in my opinion. People learn and grow, maybe relapse back into bad habits, or behaviors and then there is an option to say 'what I was doing didnt work, why didnt it work, do I want to try again, and what can I do differently' This is basically what my husband was told. Make a plan, and know as you move forward it may have to be altered. People usually want to do things that make them feel better. That is one of the bad things about addiction. People dont feel better for a long time usually as the brain and body adjust so they might not feel a reward for quitting? Reward centers in the brain dont say this feels good. I think this is why many relapse? In this scenario I think some form of support/aid/therapy can be helpful to move from one phase to the next.

Early recovery regardless of how its done can be hard on family members. My husband yikes it was tough for a while because he was up and down. I read here all the time about spouses who are all wrapped up in themselves or their program of choice.

We always have the option to step back, to focus on ourselves, to make plans for our own future if we are not happy. I had to move out for a while (2x actually) strictly for my needs, not because I didnt love him, or because I wanted to hurt him. Just for me to have space and think.

I think if you look online you can easily find something written that will support any view you want. I think what really matters is how is he feeling, is he happy? How are family dynamics? How is your relationship? How are you feeling, are you happy?

Those are not things other people can tell us, dictate for us. It comes from a place inside.

andyh

dry-drunk is sometimes (mis)used by people denigrating others who have found recovery via a path/program different to their own, whether or not that description is merited. I object to this usage, but not necessarily to the term.

FireSprite

Never heard of it being used to support any one form of recovery OVER another - only to identify ongoing, unchanged behaviors in a now-sober-non-recovering person.

Where/when/how is it used offensively?... because it's starting to sound like an issue between addicts & their own sensitivities more than it is anything between addicts & non-addicts.

I need examples peeps, lol!

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics only "get it" when they prove it to themselves. Save your breath.

AnvilheadII

bottom line - HE thinks he's fine. he believes HIS program is working. FOR HIM. i mean call it what you want, but he DID stop drinking

YOU do not think he's fine, you do not think he can stay sober this way. and altho he has not had a drink, it is not ENOUGH for YOU.

now is the time to stop looking to him for further changes. he has stated this is IT. you now get to assess and decide if this is "good enough" for you and if you can find peace WITH the situation AS IT IS. and if not, what changes are you going to make and what might those changes look like?

ThomPom

Maybe, a period of dry drunk is for some of us an optional phase into recovery, especially when you get sober by yourself. At least it was for me.

At first I couldn't picture myself without alcohol driven behaviours, like going to bars or "enjoying" red wine with dinner; so I reduced these triggers and substituted with nonalcoholic high quality options, like a virgin mary in a bar or expensive fruit juice. I was - to be honest - still addicted to the behavior of the lifestyle. Then over time I learned to shift to new behaviors.

Also I really wasn't able to work on my mental, spiritual and emotional recovery while having PAWS, which took me some month.

See, when i was sad, I would go to a bar, but have a tonic instead of a cocktail. After some month, i would be able to go for a run. Actually to behave "dry dunk" for some time, in early recovery gave me space to modify / change hobbys, bahviors and coping mechanism step by step .

hopeful4

This!!!!

trailmix

I think the proof is in the pudding on this one.

He can be a "dry drunk" from now to eternity, he can then see how that works for him.

If it's not working for YOU and you walk out and his friends have had enough, it is up to him to decide if that is good enough really.