He stopped drinking, I thought our problems were solved.
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He stopped drinking, I thought our problems were solved.
And I was a fool. We have been married 20 years. He has been an (high functioning) alcoholic for most of that. I finally got to where I was done. I told him this had been coming for several years, I warned him many times. I moved into the spare room, and keep my distance physically and emotionally. Not to be spiteful, as a protection. I avoid looking at him. I love him, it hurts to even look at him.
I sometimes think maybe I shouldn't be all that upset. So many women have it so much worse. He loved and raised my 4 girls like they were his own. They were never step-daughters, just his daughters. He does everything to make sure we are taken care of, he went out of his way to make sure I knew he loved me, he treated me like a queen in every way. No DUIs, no jail time, no cheating, and he never goes to bars. He was never violent or abusive physically or emotionally. He starts drinking about 5 pm and drinks until 11 pm or so. Not an all day drinker, never has been. I feel like I have it good, maybe I shouldn't complain. Maybe I should just let it be and be grateful.
But, I'm standing my ground. He hasn't had a drink in 14 days, and I am beyond proud of him!!! The problem? He thinks now that he's doing his part, why haven't things gone back to normal? There is 20 years of anger, hurt, mistrust, resentment, broken promises...you know the drill. That didn't get poured down the drain with the last beer!
I've never seen this side of him. I'm talking to a 53 year old man, but he's acting like a 15 year old boy. He thinks I shouldn't be so negative, assuming he will start drinking again, and I shouldn't feel so gun shy of getting close to him again and letting things go back to the way they were.
I cant get through to him. This man is normally like Mr Spock, always looking at the rational side of things. Im now living with a stranger. He seems like he's really ticked at me, but when I ask him about it he says he's not. He now thinks like a child, and when I look him in the eye, its not him. I feel like I gambled and lost because now he is someone else, and I lost the man I loved. The man I knew and loved until 5 pm when he had his first beer anyway.
He quit drinking, but instead of most of the problems being solved, all of these problems took their place. And boy was I caught off guard. I never expected this. I don't know what to do, how Im supposed to feel or what to do with our relationship.
I am working on counseling for me. He says he doesn't need counseling, he can do this by himself. I told him he needs some type of program because he needs to find the reason he drank. Or nothing gets solved. Its just a big round-a-bout.
Why is he acting like a teen aged boy? What can I do, or what do I not do? What am I doing wrong? We have two boys left at home who are 12 and 16. I need some plan of action so we can get moving on something so I can help them. Right now we are just in a holding pattern and I am lost.
I sometimes think maybe I shouldn't be all that upset. So many women have it so much worse. He loved and raised my 4 girls like they were his own. They were never step-daughters, just his daughters. He does everything to make sure we are taken care of, he went out of his way to make sure I knew he loved me, he treated me like a queen in every way. No DUIs, no jail time, no cheating, and he never goes to bars. He was never violent or abusive physically or emotionally. He starts drinking about 5 pm and drinks until 11 pm or so. Not an all day drinker, never has been. I feel like I have it good, maybe I shouldn't complain. Maybe I should just let it be and be grateful.
But, I'm standing my ground. He hasn't had a drink in 14 days, and I am beyond proud of him!!! The problem? He thinks now that he's doing his part, why haven't things gone back to normal? There is 20 years of anger, hurt, mistrust, resentment, broken promises...you know the drill. That didn't get poured down the drain with the last beer!
I've never seen this side of him. I'm talking to a 53 year old man, but he's acting like a 15 year old boy. He thinks I shouldn't be so negative, assuming he will start drinking again, and I shouldn't feel so gun shy of getting close to him again and letting things go back to the way they were.
I cant get through to him. This man is normally like Mr Spock, always looking at the rational side of things. Im now living with a stranger. He seems like he's really ticked at me, but when I ask him about it he says he's not. He now thinks like a child, and when I look him in the eye, its not him. I feel like I gambled and lost because now he is someone else, and I lost the man I loved. The man I knew and loved until 5 pm when he had his first beer anyway.
He quit drinking, but instead of most of the problems being solved, all of these problems took their place. And boy was I caught off guard. I never expected this. I don't know what to do, how Im supposed to feel or what to do with our relationship.
I am working on counseling for me. He says he doesn't need counseling, he can do this by himself. I told him he needs some type of program because he needs to find the reason he drank. Or nothing gets solved. Its just a big round-a-bout.
Why is he acting like a teen aged boy? What can I do, or what do I not do? What am I doing wrong? We have two boys left at home who are 12 and 16. I need some plan of action so we can get moving on something so I can help them. Right now we are just in a holding pattern and I am lost.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 116
Please don't get me wrong, but you are acting naive, no offense, you don't know any better.
I have been very much the same like your husband, except we haven't kids.
Alcohol is a very effective way to process emotions. Once you stop drinking, you must build up a new path of processing emotions from the scratch, even small ones. This is done by gaining new perspective on things, learning how to deal with emotions, learning how to absorb them and ease them (by yoga, Meditation, Sports, ...). The Problem in early Sobriety is that you have none of both, not the proven alcohol strategy, nor the new toolset. This will result in insecurity, personally, in thinking and in acting - like a child. Same happened to me and some friends of mine with their long time girlfriend / wife. In a way it's quite funny to monitor yourself during this phase, cause you think "how the F#§% am I acting?", without having options. You could put it like you would lose at first any distance in judging of people and things. Give the guy some time, it will rebuild, done in the right way, stronger than before.
Then, no, your problems are still the same after sobriety. Sobriety isn’t a solution in itself, it’s a new platform, driver and option to solve problems in a new, substantial way.
If I were you, I would support the sober temporary child to give him space to rebuild his person as the man he could be. It has taken me for the childish phase about 8 weeks, until I started to rebuild, and even then it was a slow process, but it turned out to be fulfilling more than I could imagine, also and especially in terms with my relationship .But it is not easy.
One more thing, read and read and read as much as you can about recovery to get well informed. Take a look at Dees recommended recovery plans, so that your husband is not only willing but designing a vision of recovery that really functionally pushes him forward and saves him trial and error. Good luck.
I have been very much the same like your husband, except we haven't kids.
Alcohol is a very effective way to process emotions. Once you stop drinking, you must build up a new path of processing emotions from the scratch, even small ones. This is done by gaining new perspective on things, learning how to deal with emotions, learning how to absorb them and ease them (by yoga, Meditation, Sports, ...). The Problem in early Sobriety is that you have none of both, not the proven alcohol strategy, nor the new toolset. This will result in insecurity, personally, in thinking and in acting - like a child. Same happened to me and some friends of mine with their long time girlfriend / wife. In a way it's quite funny to monitor yourself during this phase, cause you think "how the F#§% am I acting?", without having options. You could put it like you would lose at first any distance in judging of people and things. Give the guy some time, it will rebuild, done in the right way, stronger than before.
Then, no, your problems are still the same after sobriety. Sobriety isn’t a solution in itself, it’s a new platform, driver and option to solve problems in a new, substantial way.
If I were you, I would support the sober temporary child to give him space to rebuild his person as the man he could be. It has taken me for the childish phase about 8 weeks, until I started to rebuild, and even then it was a slow process, but it turned out to be fulfilling more than I could imagine, also and especially in terms with my relationship .But it is not easy.
One more thing, read and read and read as much as you can about recovery to get well informed. Take a look at Dees recommended recovery plans, so that your husband is not only willing but designing a vision of recovery that really functionally pushes him forward and saves him trial and error. Good luck.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Thank you so much for responding to my post. You're right, I am naive about this whole thing. All I know is loving an alcoholic, I know nothing about the sober man. Im almost 50 and I feel like a child myself in this way. The problem is I don't know HOW to support him. I have asked him and he either says he doesn't know, or he just stares at me. How do I give him space? Do I just go about the day, not including him? Do I totally ignore him? Or treat him like a roommate? I asked him about this also, he just says he wants things back the way they were. I feel like Alice in Wonderland talking to the Cheshire cat! Honestly I just want to go visit my dad for a few weeks. But running away solves nothing.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Europe
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Glad to be of help for you. I am close to 50, 20+ year relationship, same setup. Let me tell you about my experience, you decide what is suitable and good for you and your husband.
To me, there was no golden, best way to that phase of the first weeks. It's temporary. The more important thing was, that my girlfriend was accepting my situation and didn’t pressure me. We both did not really know how to handle.
See, its not so important to do the exact right thing, but more important to NOT DO the wrong things that could trigger him back into alcohol. I give you an example: A friend of mine was in the exact same situation with his wife (and small child). He is a young attorney in an urban surrounding, cool guy, but at heart very insecure and soft, while brilliant in thinking. She pressured him into a discussion at that early phase, when he wasn’t yet able to function emotionally, things spiraled, which then ended by her “You are the same idiot when you are sober”. Some day later he was back drinking, despite he was willing to get sober.
My girlfriend on the other side, was ignoring me about being insecure. She realized, was surprised seeing me like this, but could not really handle this insecure-childish thing, I think she just was glad I did not drink. But she never gave me the feeling, that I was not all right in early recovery. She let me know that she thought, it was the necessary and right thing. During that time we did a mixture of walks, easy entertainment, giving space to each other, but we did not communicate intensely. I sometimes starred somewhere for hours, then rearranging furniture and stuff. The point is: when you cannot process feelings, you can’t do things that require processing of feelings, maybe a little. Again, we are talking about some few weeks here.
My take: Just let him know, that you know his temporary insecurities without discussing it, pressuring him, or advising him on his recovery. Or just ignore it. Don’t engage in a too obvious self improvement action for yourself (“get in shape”,), since this would trigger him to get on par, which is not able to do at that time. He, himself does not know how to turn out – even, when he will remain “the same person”. It’s work in progress. Maybe ask him in an informal way, maybe use some humor, how he feels like, if he is willing to tell. But there is no need. Again, we are talking about some weeks.
For yourself, I can very much understand that this is not easy for you. But just handle it the way you like, just do not do any extreme triggering him into bad feelings about himself, but make clear, sobriety is a must and that you are willing to stay.
To me, there was no golden, best way to that phase of the first weeks. It's temporary. The more important thing was, that my girlfriend was accepting my situation and didn’t pressure me. We both did not really know how to handle.
See, its not so important to do the exact right thing, but more important to NOT DO the wrong things that could trigger him back into alcohol. I give you an example: A friend of mine was in the exact same situation with his wife (and small child). He is a young attorney in an urban surrounding, cool guy, but at heart very insecure and soft, while brilliant in thinking. She pressured him into a discussion at that early phase, when he wasn’t yet able to function emotionally, things spiraled, which then ended by her “You are the same idiot when you are sober”. Some day later he was back drinking, despite he was willing to get sober.
My girlfriend on the other side, was ignoring me about being insecure. She realized, was surprised seeing me like this, but could not really handle this insecure-childish thing, I think she just was glad I did not drink. But she never gave me the feeling, that I was not all right in early recovery. She let me know that she thought, it was the necessary and right thing. During that time we did a mixture of walks, easy entertainment, giving space to each other, but we did not communicate intensely. I sometimes starred somewhere for hours, then rearranging furniture and stuff. The point is: when you cannot process feelings, you can’t do things that require processing of feelings, maybe a little. Again, we are talking about some few weeks here.
My take: Just let him know, that you know his temporary insecurities without discussing it, pressuring him, or advising him on his recovery. Or just ignore it. Don’t engage in a too obvious self improvement action for yourself (“get in shape”,), since this would trigger him to get on par, which is not able to do at that time. He, himself does not know how to turn out – even, when he will remain “the same person”. It’s work in progress. Maybe ask him in an informal way, maybe use some humor, how he feels like, if he is willing to tell. But there is no need. Again, we are talking about some weeks.
For yourself, I can very much understand that this is not easy for you. But just handle it the way you like, just do not do any extreme triggering him into bad feelings about himself, but make clear, sobriety is a must and that you are willing to stay.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wamama.....Yes, it can be a shock to find out that the early recovery period can be as bad...or worse...than the original drinking period.
lol...I am the one, around here, who is famous for saying that I think there should be a "law" that the recovering alcoholic should live apart from the loved ones for the first year.....like, on a mountain in Napal...to focus, exclusively, on their recovery. It would be more merciful for all concerned...and, allow the loved ones to work on their own recovery, as well. the alcoholism does a job on the loved ones...just as it does on the alcoholic. It is a family disease...as all who are involved are touched by it.
I get the impression that he was forced to this abstainence because you have drawn a line in the sand...and, he didn't seek it for himself---but, to avoid your leaving...?
For the alcoholic who is not ready to get into recovery...anyone who interferes with their right to drink with freedom, is viewed as the "enemy"....EVEN IF IT IS A LOVED ONE.
There is, likely, a war going on in his head, right now. 24/7--the "alcoholic voice"...the part of him that is crying out to drink...is battling with the part of him that is trying to resist. Right now...he is sort of like a goldfish who is being denied his water. This can feel like life or death to the alcoholic ...who cannot imagine how to function without the alcohol to deal with their feelings....much less not ever take another drink, again...
This is h is battle. And, not one that you can help him with....outside of not being obstructive and enabling him. He will have to do the hard work of dealing with his inner self.
I do agree with you...that without a program...like AA...the likelihood that he can maintain is grim.....(it is hard..even with a program)......
The bottom line is that he will do what he is going to do....that is on his side of the street....
The question, as always, remains---What are you going to do. That is the only thing you really have control over.
You mention that you would like to go to your father's for a few weeks...that might not be a bad thing....as it would give you a period of time and some space to clear your thinking and emotions, a bit....BUt, is that a feasible plan...given that you have two children. ages 12 and 16...could you take them with you? I can't imagine leaving two youngsters to deal with an adult alcoholic...sober for only two weeks....
I am going to give you the following link to our library of excellent articles abut alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....I hope that you will take the time to read them. There are a lot...you could read one every day....
Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I am. also, giving you the following link to one of the articles, in our library, that would be a good yard stick, for you, right now
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
****As one other person recommended....don't hover over him. Give him a wide space....and leave him alone, for the most part---keep yourself otherwise, occupied as much as you can. This is a part of detaching yourself....You don't need to be his counselor or therapist...there are other people who are better suited to play that role....
You don't need to walk on eggshells.....
You will learn more about this in the materials I gave you to read and study.....Alanon literature would help you, also...as well as attending alanon meetings.....
lol...I am the one, around here, who is famous for saying that I think there should be a "law" that the recovering alcoholic should live apart from the loved ones for the first year.....like, on a mountain in Napal...to focus, exclusively, on their recovery. It would be more merciful for all concerned...and, allow the loved ones to work on their own recovery, as well. the alcoholism does a job on the loved ones...just as it does on the alcoholic. It is a family disease...as all who are involved are touched by it.
I get the impression that he was forced to this abstainence because you have drawn a line in the sand...and, he didn't seek it for himself---but, to avoid your leaving...?
For the alcoholic who is not ready to get into recovery...anyone who interferes with their right to drink with freedom, is viewed as the "enemy"....EVEN IF IT IS A LOVED ONE.
There is, likely, a war going on in his head, right now. 24/7--the "alcoholic voice"...the part of him that is crying out to drink...is battling with the part of him that is trying to resist. Right now...he is sort of like a goldfish who is being denied his water. This can feel like life or death to the alcoholic ...who cannot imagine how to function without the alcohol to deal with their feelings....much less not ever take another drink, again...
This is h is battle. And, not one that you can help him with....outside of not being obstructive and enabling him. He will have to do the hard work of dealing with his inner self.
I do agree with you...that without a program...like AA...the likelihood that he can maintain is grim.....(it is hard..even with a program)......
The bottom line is that he will do what he is going to do....that is on his side of the street....
The question, as always, remains---What are you going to do. That is the only thing you really have control over.
You mention that you would like to go to your father's for a few weeks...that might not be a bad thing....as it would give you a period of time and some space to clear your thinking and emotions, a bit....BUt, is that a feasible plan...given that you have two children. ages 12 and 16...could you take them with you? I can't imagine leaving two youngsters to deal with an adult alcoholic...sober for only two weeks....
I am going to give you the following link to our library of excellent articles abut alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....I hope that you will take the time to read them. There are a lot...you could read one every day....
Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I am. also, giving you the following link to one of the articles, in our library, that would be a good yard stick, for you, right now
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
****As one other person recommended....don't hover over him. Give him a wide space....and leave him alone, for the most part---keep yourself otherwise, occupied as much as you can. This is a part of detaching yourself....You don't need to be his counselor or therapist...there are other people who are better suited to play that role....
You don't need to walk on eggshells.....
You will learn more about this in the materials I gave you to read and study.....Alanon literature would help you, also...as well as attending alanon meetings.....
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
He hasn't had a drink in 14 days, and I am beyond proud of him!!!
14 days sober is a very short time and he probably a dry drunk as he's not working a program of any sort. Going it alone never works so I would not get too hopeful yet tbh.
I've never seen this side of him. I'm talking to a 53 year old man, but he's acting like a 15 year old boy.
Also...hate to say this, but it been proved to be true, emotionally alcoholics are often stuck at the age they were when they started drinking so the 15 year old might be where he's at. My exah is around 13. A very immature 13 year old who finds it funny farting in public loudly etc. He 49.
He thinks now that he's doing his part, why haven't things gone back to normal? There is 20 years of anger, hurt, mistrust, resentment, broken promises...you know the drill. That didn't get poured down the drain with the last beer!
Yes that a common feature too. My exah thought 2 days "off it" won him on award. All the carnage he'd caused was supposed to be forgotten about in record speed and I was a beatch for not being more loving and supportive of his efforts.
You do not need to support him or help him. In fact you can't. It's his recovery..or not depending on how it goes. It not looking much like recovery to me as he is stuck in his old mindset and refusing to get any help. Let him figure stuff out himself and you focus on your on life and what you want out of life.
14 days sober is a very short time and he probably a dry drunk as he's not working a program of any sort. Going it alone never works so I would not get too hopeful yet tbh.
I've never seen this side of him. I'm talking to a 53 year old man, but he's acting like a 15 year old boy.
Also...hate to say this, but it been proved to be true, emotionally alcoholics are often stuck at the age they were when they started drinking so the 15 year old might be where he's at. My exah is around 13. A very immature 13 year old who finds it funny farting in public loudly etc. He 49.
He thinks now that he's doing his part, why haven't things gone back to normal? There is 20 years of anger, hurt, mistrust, resentment, broken promises...you know the drill. That didn't get poured down the drain with the last beer!
Yes that a common feature too. My exah thought 2 days "off it" won him on award. All the carnage he'd caused was supposed to be forgotten about in record speed and I was a beatch for not being more loving and supportive of his efforts.
You do not need to support him or help him. In fact you can't. It's his recovery..or not depending on how it goes. It not looking much like recovery to me as he is stuck in his old mindset and refusing to get any help. Let him figure stuff out himself and you focus on your on life and what you want out of life.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by ThomPom 
See, its not so important to do the exact right thing, but more important to NOT DO the wrong things that could trigger him back into alcohol. I give you an example: A friend of mine was in the exact same situation with his wife (and small child). He is a young attorney in an urban surrounding, cool guy, but at heart very insecure and soft, while brilliant in thinking. She pressured him into a discussion at that early phase, when he wasn’t yet able to function emotionally, things spiraled, which then ended by her “You are the same idiot when you are sober”. Some day later he was back drinking, despite he was willing to get sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Being sober doesn't fix the problems. They need to learn a new way and it's not changing from the alcohol to the partner caused me to drink. He proved he can drink for almost 20 years now he needs to do the hard work to stay and act in a sober grown up way of life. This takes more than 14 days to prove himself and rebuild trust and faith in the partner. We're going to have our doubts for a long time. I still react to certain circumstances.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 116
@ScaryTimes
Scary Times, that is Ok with me, if you are disagreeing. But please note, that I am pointing out just to do nothing that makes him unstable, give him space. That is something different than saying “you have to do this and this to motivate him not drinking”. Again, two friends and I have been in the very same situation of a long term relationship, all three of us functioning alcoholics. My experience differs from yours. We did meet frequent, the example I showed I could observe very close. Please keep in mind, if you get sober without therapy within your old surrounding you are usually not stable enough to work against your surrounding. Of course, support of your surrounding dos NOT in any way guarantee or trigger the way to sobríety, it has to come from the addict himself. The key point is that nobody puts shame on you, while you are in early sobriety, thats all.
Scary Times, that is Ok with me, if you are disagreeing. But please note, that I am pointing out just to do nothing that makes him unstable, give him space. That is something different than saying “you have to do this and this to motivate him not drinking”. Again, two friends and I have been in the very same situation of a long term relationship, all three of us functioning alcoholics. My experience differs from yours. We did meet frequent, the example I showed I could observe very close. Please keep in mind, if you get sober without therapy within your old surrounding you are usually not stable enough to work against your surrounding. Of course, support of your surrounding dos NOT in any way guarantee or trigger the way to sobríety, it has to come from the addict himself. The key point is that nobody puts shame on you, while you are in early sobriety, thats all.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 116
@Ladybird;
I might be a youngster writing in this forum compared to you, but I think you are going too far too early with too little information.
Please consider, he is a highly functioning alcoholic, has risen 4 of children as a stepfather, it is his first attempt, we don't know at which stage he is caught between a problem drinker and hardcore alcoholic at the last stage. Both, the alcoholic husband and Wamama is not even educated on how to handle Sobriety and PAWS.
While I am agreeing with you, that the alcoholic has to decide in his own to become sober, it seems to me way to early to judge that hard. You may be right, but it is too early to tell.
Also, getting back an emotional immature, farting young boy may be for some of us over the top. Yes you have to relearn to handle emotions, but this can be accomplished in a short time and very responsible and in a mature way.
Also 14 days is a start. And you have to start at some point.
I had the very same setup, same age. I walked the talk. I would consider myself as a mature person, I am still in the same relationship. While I am not disagreeing with you in general, I would suggest to first take it one step at a time. Alcoholism can come in different forms and stages.
Why not both the alcolic husband and wamama educate theirselves, like suggested and then, take it from there?
I might be a youngster writing in this forum compared to you, but I think you are going too far too early with too little information.
Please consider, he is a highly functioning alcoholic, has risen 4 of children as a stepfather, it is his first attempt, we don't know at which stage he is caught between a problem drinker and hardcore alcoholic at the last stage. Both, the alcoholic husband and Wamama is not even educated on how to handle Sobriety and PAWS.
While I am agreeing with you, that the alcoholic has to decide in his own to become sober, it seems to me way to early to judge that hard. You may be right, but it is too early to tell.
Also, getting back an emotional immature, farting young boy may be for some of us over the top. Yes you have to relearn to handle emotions, but this can be accomplished in a short time and very responsible and in a mature way.
Also 14 days is a start. And you have to start at some point.
I had the very same setup, same age. I walked the talk. I would consider myself as a mature person, I am still in the same relationship. While I am not disagreeing with you in general, I would suggest to first take it one step at a time. Alcoholism can come in different forms and stages.
Why not both the alcolic husband and wamama educate theirselves, like suggested and then, take it from there?
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Wamama48
Thank you so much for responding to my post. You're right, I am naive about this whole thing. All I know is loving an alcoholic, I know nothing about the sober man. Im almost 50 and I feel like a child myself in this way. The problem is I don't know HOW to support him. I have asked him and he either says he doesn't know, or he just stares at me. How do I give him space? Do I just go about the day, not including him? Do I totally ignore him? Or treat him like a roommate? I asked him about this also, he just says he wants things back the way they were. I feel like Alice in Wonderland talking to the Cheshire cat! Honestly I just want to go visit my dad for a few weeks. But running away solves nothing.
Let go of any expectations that you currently have about his drinking, his actions, his worthiness as a partner. Take life at face value and try to focus on what is really happening, what the actual reality of your life is, and go from there.
I will say that your concerns about his lack of participation in a focused recovery program are completely valid and my own experience indicates that this is a necessary part of truly becoming healthy in every way - it doesn't have to be AA but it has to be something that helps him change and heal his thinking, which is the core of recovery of all kinds.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Wamama -
Welcome to the board. I've been on this board since 2007 I think. I read a lot, but rarely post. Your post really resonated with me, and I'd like to add my two cents.
I have been in your shoes (without the children). My XAH went to rehab, and wasn't drinking for a YEAR after that. He kept saying, "I'm not drinking, why are you still angry?" At the time, I didn't realize how codependent I was. And I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, why WAS I still angry? I got what I wanted, right?
At that time, I had no support telling me that it was ok to be angry. I was on this board, but it hadn't sunk in. I wasn't in therapy. Twenty years is a freaking *long time* to not acknowledge your own feelings. Of course things aren't back to normal for you. Why would they be?
I agree with dandylion. Going to your dad's for a few weeks isn't running away. Can you bring the kids?
Your feelings matter JUST AS MUCH as anyone else's. As codependents, we become very good at forgetting that. You don't need to let go of 20 years of hurt and anger just because someone tells you to.
Of course your AH should be getting his own support. That's on him. It's not your job to manage his sobriety.
And I must respectfully vehemently disagree with Thompom. You are NOT, nor have you ever been, responsible for triggering or not triggering your AH's drinking. You should not modify your own feelings or behavior in fear of being the next trigger. You may have been blamed for his drinking in the past. You have NEVER been responsible for one sip of alcohol this man has taken. You have never done anything that "caused" him to drink. If your AH has said that to you, that is the alcohol brain talking. Of course he's not going to take responsibility for his own behavior. It's easier to blame everyone else.
Please, please, please do not think that you need to worry about triggering him. Keep reading here, keep going to therapy, consider Al-Anon if you haven't, protect yourself, and protect your kids. Nothing he does or doesn't do is your fault.
Sending peace your way.
Welcome to the board. I've been on this board since 2007 I think. I read a lot, but rarely post. Your post really resonated with me, and I'd like to add my two cents.
I have been in your shoes (without the children). My XAH went to rehab, and wasn't drinking for a YEAR after that. He kept saying, "I'm not drinking, why are you still angry?" At the time, I didn't realize how codependent I was. And I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, why WAS I still angry? I got what I wanted, right?
At that time, I had no support telling me that it was ok to be angry. I was on this board, but it hadn't sunk in. I wasn't in therapy. Twenty years is a freaking *long time* to not acknowledge your own feelings. Of course things aren't back to normal for you. Why would they be?
I agree with dandylion. Going to your dad's for a few weeks isn't running away. Can you bring the kids?
Your feelings matter JUST AS MUCH as anyone else's. As codependents, we become very good at forgetting that. You don't need to let go of 20 years of hurt and anger just because someone tells you to.
Of course your AH should be getting his own support. That's on him. It's not your job to manage his sobriety.
And I must respectfully vehemently disagree with Thompom. You are NOT, nor have you ever been, responsible for triggering or not triggering your AH's drinking. You should not modify your own feelings or behavior in fear of being the next trigger. You may have been blamed for his drinking in the past. You have NEVER been responsible for one sip of alcohol this man has taken. You have never done anything that "caused" him to drink. If your AH has said that to you, that is the alcohol brain talking. Of course he's not going to take responsibility for his own behavior. It's easier to blame everyone else.
Please, please, please do not think that you need to worry about triggering him. Keep reading here, keep going to therapy, consider Al-Anon if you haven't, protect yourself, and protect your kids. Nothing he does or doesn't do is your fault.
Sending peace your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
When my alcoholic husband first stopped drinking, I also thought all our problems would magically disappear. I was wrong. Also his quitting never stuck for more than a couple months before he'd screw up and lie about it.
Even when he wasn't drinking he was a dry drunk and that's just as bad, or worse because you don't get to blame the booze. You have to see them for who they have become. Alcoholics are very damaged people who have been self medicating away their feelings and emotional pains for a very long time. In the case of my XAH, it was decades, since the age of 14. I'd say when it comes to owning his own behavior and being accountable for his own actions he very much acts like a teenager. I was supposed to be proud of him when he cut back "because he was doing so much better", I was supposed to be happy when he "quit" because I "got what I wanted"... it was always about how HE thought I should feel about HIM. So very self centered, drunk or sober. I once asked him to, "please just put himself in my shoes for 5mins"... he yelled back at me ," Why the f*** would I want to do that???!!!"... no way in heck did he want to think about how his actions may be affecting me. Zero empathy. Very immature, very teenager-ish.
My 26 year relationship with XAH ended in divorce. I would have never regained my sanity had I stayed married to an constantly relapsing alcoholic. He did not want to do the real work it takes to get and stay sober. It took me a long time to realize I deserved to live a better quality of life than I was ever going to get tied to his chaos.
Nothing you say, nothing you do, nothing you do not do is going to keep him sober.. nor will it make him drink. Whether he drinks or not is all about him. He will drink if you go, he will drink if you stay,..... or he wont. He can choose to white knuckle it with no help but that rarely works, he has a better chance if he seeks real help for his underlying issues. But again, there is nothing you can do about that. Do not allow yourself the burden of thinking you influence his sobriety.
You need to take care of YOU and your two youngest children. Only you can decide what that path looks like. I hope you stick around and keep reaching out for support. The book "Codependent No More" was a real life changer for me.
hugs
Even when he wasn't drinking he was a dry drunk and that's just as bad, or worse because you don't get to blame the booze. You have to see them for who they have become. Alcoholics are very damaged people who have been self medicating away their feelings and emotional pains for a very long time. In the case of my XAH, it was decades, since the age of 14. I'd say when it comes to owning his own behavior and being accountable for his own actions he very much acts like a teenager. I was supposed to be proud of him when he cut back "because he was doing so much better", I was supposed to be happy when he "quit" because I "got what I wanted"... it was always about how HE thought I should feel about HIM. So very self centered, drunk or sober. I once asked him to, "please just put himself in my shoes for 5mins"... he yelled back at me ," Why the f*** would I want to do that???!!!"... no way in heck did he want to think about how his actions may be affecting me. Zero empathy. Very immature, very teenager-ish.
My 26 year relationship with XAH ended in divorce. I would have never regained my sanity had I stayed married to an constantly relapsing alcoholic. He did not want to do the real work it takes to get and stay sober. It took me a long time to realize I deserved to live a better quality of life than I was ever going to get tied to his chaos.
Nothing you say, nothing you do, nothing you do not do is going to keep him sober.. nor will it make him drink. Whether he drinks or not is all about him. He will drink if you go, he will drink if you stay,..... or he wont. He can choose to white knuckle it with no help but that rarely works, he has a better chance if he seeks real help for his underlying issues. But again, there is nothing you can do about that. Do not allow yourself the burden of thinking you influence his sobriety.
You need to take care of YOU and your two youngest children. Only you can decide what that path looks like. I hope you stick around and keep reaching out for support. The book "Codependent No More" was a real life changer for me.
hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Wamama,
Agree with glenl 100 percent that you cannot think of anything that you do or don’t do that might trigger him to drink.
Sobriety is his choice and he needs to own it.
Your mental and emotional health are your choice. Look out for you, you cannot fight the alcoholism for him. Again that is on him, not you.
Al anon has helped many many people and keep posting to this site, it helps even if you just need to vent.
There is nothing wrong about the way you are feeling... you are feelin it and therefore that makes your feelings valid.
Going away for awhile is a good idea I think as well.
As a matter of fact I am thinking of taking a trip of my own soon as well.
My husband is two months sober and seems to be a shell of a person at this point. It is said that alcoholics are stuck at the age they became an alcoholic and judging from what I have seen from my husband’s recovery I agree. He doesn’t have a clue on how to handle even the most basic adult decisions and constantly tries to give it to me to handle. Which I have begun refusing to do.
Peace to you and good luck. And remember “you didn’t cause this, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it”. Give yourself the love and caring and support that you need and leave his recovery to him.
Agree with glenl 100 percent that you cannot think of anything that you do or don’t do that might trigger him to drink.
Sobriety is his choice and he needs to own it.
Your mental and emotional health are your choice. Look out for you, you cannot fight the alcoholism for him. Again that is on him, not you.
Al anon has helped many many people and keep posting to this site, it helps even if you just need to vent.
There is nothing wrong about the way you are feeling... you are feelin it and therefore that makes your feelings valid.
Going away for awhile is a good idea I think as well.
As a matter of fact I am thinking of taking a trip of my own soon as well.
My husband is two months sober and seems to be a shell of a person at this point. It is said that alcoholics are stuck at the age they became an alcoholic and judging from what I have seen from my husband’s recovery I agree. He doesn’t have a clue on how to handle even the most basic adult decisions and constantly tries to give it to me to handle. Which I have begun refusing to do.
Peace to you and good luck. And remember “you didn’t cause this, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it”. Give yourself the love and caring and support that you need and leave his recovery to him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think you are on the right path for yourself and your kids with counseling and coming up with a future plan for the three of you. If your husband sticks with remaining sober and seeks his own help via counseling, AA or some other program then good for him.
We kind of imprison ourselves and our future when we get stuck in the thinking that our only solution is with THEM GETTING AND REMAINING SOBER.
Glad you found us I hope stick around and read lots of the stickies and posts.
We kind of imprison ourselves and our future when we get stuck in the thinking that our only solution is with THEM GETTING AND REMAINING SOBER.
Glad you found us I hope stick around and read lots of the stickies and posts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by ThomPom
Glad to be of help for you. I am close to 50, 20+ year relationship, same setup. Let me tell you about my experience, you decide what is suitable and good for you and your husband.
To me, there was no golden, best way to that phase of the first weeks. It's temporary. The more important thing was, that my girlfriend was accepting my situation and didn’t pressure me. We both did not really know how to handle.
See, its not so important to do the exact right thing, but more important to NOT DO the wrong things that could trigger him back into alcohol. I give you an example: A friend of mine was in the exact same situation with his wife (and small child). He is a young attorney in an urban surrounding, cool guy, but at heart very insecure and soft, while brilliant in thinking. She pressured him into a discussion at that early phase, when he wasn’t yet able to function emotionally, things spiraled, which then ended by her “You are the same idiot when you are sober”. Some day later he was back drinking, despite he was willing to get sober.
My girlfriend on the other side, was ignoring me about being insecure. She realized, was surprised seeing me like this, but could not really handle this insecure-childish thing, I think she just was glad I did not drink. But she never gave me the feeling, that I was not all right in early recovery. She let me know that she thought, it was the necessary and right thing. During that time we did a mixture of walks, easy entertainment, giving space to each other, but we did not communicate intensely. I sometimes starred somewhere for hours, then rearranging furniture and stuff. The point is: when you cannot process feelings, you can’t do things that require processing of feelings, maybe a little. Again, we are talking about some few weeks here.
My take: Just let him know, that you know his temporary insecurities without discussing it, pressuring him, or advising him on his recovery. Or just ignore it. Don’t engage in a too obvious self improvement action for yourself (“get in shape”,), since this would trigger him to get on par, which is not able to do at that time. He, himself does not know how to turn out – even, when he will remain “the same person”. It’s work in progress. Maybe ask him in an informal way, maybe use some humor, how he feels like, if he is willing to tell. But there is no need. Again, we are talking about some weeks.
For yourself, I can very much understand that this is not easy for you. But just handle it the way you like, just do not do any extreme triggering him into bad feelings about himself, but make clear, sobriety is a must and that you are willing to stay.
To me, there was no golden, best way to that phase of the first weeks. It's temporary. The more important thing was, that my girlfriend was accepting my situation and didn’t pressure me. We both did not really know how to handle.
See, its not so important to do the exact right thing, but more important to NOT DO the wrong things that could trigger him back into alcohol. I give you an example: A friend of mine was in the exact same situation with his wife (and small child). He is a young attorney in an urban surrounding, cool guy, but at heart very insecure and soft, while brilliant in thinking. She pressured him into a discussion at that early phase, when he wasn’t yet able to function emotionally, things spiraled, which then ended by her “You are the same idiot when you are sober”. Some day later he was back drinking, despite he was willing to get sober.
My girlfriend on the other side, was ignoring me about being insecure. She realized, was surprised seeing me like this, but could not really handle this insecure-childish thing, I think she just was glad I did not drink. But she never gave me the feeling, that I was not all right in early recovery. She let me know that she thought, it was the necessary and right thing. During that time we did a mixture of walks, easy entertainment, giving space to each other, but we did not communicate intensely. I sometimes starred somewhere for hours, then rearranging furniture and stuff. The point is: when you cannot process feelings, you can’t do things that require processing of feelings, maybe a little. Again, we are talking about some few weeks here.
My take: Just let him know, that you know his temporary insecurities without discussing it, pressuring him, or advising him on his recovery. Or just ignore it. Don’t engage in a too obvious self improvement action for yourself (“get in shape”,), since this would trigger him to get on par, which is not able to do at that time. He, himself does not know how to turn out – even, when he will remain “the same person”. It’s work in progress. Maybe ask him in an informal way, maybe use some humor, how he feels like, if he is willing to tell. But there is no need. Again, we are talking about some weeks.
For yourself, I can very much understand that this is not easy for you. But just handle it the way you like, just do not do any extreme triggering him into bad feelings about himself, but make clear, sobriety is a must and that you are willing to stay.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
And I must respectfully vehemently disagree with Thompom. You are NOT, nor have you ever been, responsible for triggering or not triggering your AH's drinking. You should not modify your own feelings or behavior in fear of being the next trigger. You may have been blamed for his drinking in the past. You have NEVER been responsible for one sip of alcohol this man has taken. You have never done anything that "caused" him to drink. If your AH has said that to you, that is the alcohol brain talking. Of course he's not going to take responsibility for his own behavior. It's easier to blame everyone else.
Just because somebody calls me an idiot doesn't mean I get a pass to drink myself stupid. I don't get a pass to get an Uzi and shoot everybody to smithereens.
I can cry and shake my fist to the sky. I can go for a nice long run. If I'm really angry, I'll go on a day long hike in the middle of nowhere. Perhaps I'll even bang my head on the piano a la Mr. Don Music on Sesame Street.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrJnzBFzEEY
Spiteful drinking doesn't do anyone any good.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I agree with Clover and others and I have been in positions of drinker, spouse, and child of drinker--From all three
vantage points my experience is that the drinker has to own their decision of drinking
or not drinking.
It is entirely up to them, not the people around them,
many of whom have been terribly hurt by the addiction,
and who need to focus on their own healing without exception. . .
vantage points my experience is that the drinker has to own their decision of drinking
or not drinking.
It is entirely up to them, not the people around them,
many of whom have been terribly hurt by the addiction,
and who need to focus on their own healing without exception. . .
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 60
Hey, I wanted to say I found this read enormously helpful. I hope things work out for you. My husband is about four months sober so it’s early days here too. Sometimes it is like dealing with a different person, that’s for sure, and he went to rehab for 60 days and goes to meetings most days now that he is home. Doing it with no help at all would be really tough from my perspective as the spouse of the addicted person who recently gained sobriety. Hang in there!
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