He stopped drinking, I thought our problems were solved.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 116
I am a little surprised by your answers. I guess most of us judge based on their very own experience. When reading your answers, I read a lot of my “Ex”. So that is OK, I respect your opinion, even when I do not share some aspects of them, like a spouse could not trigger drinking by her / his behavior in early sobriety, that is absurd (anyone close could, basically you are off-guard handling feelings at all these first days, or, that one in early recovery has the capability to go for a run to ease anger.
But I think, we are all making a big mistake here, and that includes myself. We all do know very little about the alcoholism type, stage, behavior of the husband and all judge way too early. We know, that he seems to be a guy with a very responsible behavior side, no abusing whatsoever.
The real problem for wamama seems the childish behavior in early sobriety. All I did is to address this issue. Some of you guys go all the way by being – in my opinion – too harsh for the given knowledge.
Maybe the husband is just a problem drinker, accepting counseling in some time, the heck, it is his very first attempt, who of us drinker had a plan at that time? Give the man at least a little room too show after 20 years of marriage and rising his stepchildren responsibly. If that doesn’t work out within a given time, then, yes move on and leave all to him. I please you, a friend of mine and myself had the same profile and we managed it, too.
I for myself will leave this conversation until at least wamama is engaging again, but there is no need for her, just she feels like.
But I think, we are all making a big mistake here, and that includes myself. We all do know very little about the alcoholism type, stage, behavior of the husband and all judge way too early. We know, that he seems to be a guy with a very responsible behavior side, no abusing whatsoever.
The real problem for wamama seems the childish behavior in early sobriety. All I did is to address this issue. Some of you guys go all the way by being – in my opinion – too harsh for the given knowledge.
Maybe the husband is just a problem drinker, accepting counseling in some time, the heck, it is his very first attempt, who of us drinker had a plan at that time? Give the man at least a little room too show after 20 years of marriage and rising his stepchildren responsibly. If that doesn’t work out within a given time, then, yes move on and leave all to him. I please you, a friend of mine and myself had the same profile and we managed it, too.
I for myself will leave this conversation until at least wamama is engaging again, but there is no need for her, just she feels like.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by ThomPom 
I am a little surprised by your answers. I guess most of us judge based on their very own experience. When reading your answers, I read a lot of my “Ex”. So that is OK, I respect your opinion, even when I do not share some aspects of them, like a spouse could not trigger drinking by her / his behavior in early sobriety, that is absurd (anyone close could, basically you are off-guard handling feelings at all these first days, or, that one in early recovery has the capability to go for a run to ease anger.
Some very hurt, very damaged people who have been extremely abused by their alcoholics behaviors read these boards... they don't need to hear anybody tell them it's their fault their drunk drinks. That kind of crap only reinforces codependent thoughts and actions. I sure hope none of them put any weight to your words.
There is thousands of years of wisdom gathered here on these boards, we are here to share our experiences and that is exactly what we are doing, judgement free. Answering questions she asked of us, in a compassionate manner, based on the lives we've lived due to someone else very poor choices.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
An alcoholic (in recovery or not, early days or not) is absolutely responsible for their on actions and reactions. For you to say a spouse is at fault for the bad behavior of a drunk is disgusting and irresponsible.
Some very hurt, very damaged people who have been extremely abused by their alcoholics behaviors read these boards... they don't need to hear anybody tell them it's their fault their drunk drinks. That kind of crap only reinforces codependent thoughts and actions. I sure hope none of them put any weight to your words.
There is thousands of years of wisdom gathered here on these boards, we are here to share our experiences and that is exactly what we are doing, judgement free. Answering questions she asked of us, in a compassionate manner, based on the lives we've lived due to someone else very poor choices.
Some very hurt, very damaged people who have been extremely abused by their alcoholics behaviors read these boards... they don't need to hear anybody tell them it's their fault their drunk drinks. That kind of crap only reinforces codependent thoughts and actions. I sure hope none of them put any weight to your words.
There is thousands of years of wisdom gathered here on these boards, we are here to share our experiences and that is exactly what we are doing, judgement free. Answering questions she asked of us, in a compassionate manner, based on the lives we've lived due to someone else very poor choices.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by ThomPom
Give ne a break. If you misinterpret my words I can't help you with that. And spare me your last paragraph, we are all in the same boat here, having the best intentions.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Dee74
Let refocus on the original poster please.
Take squabbles to PM.
Dee
Moderator
SR
Take squabbles to PM.
Dee
Moderator
SR
Of course it's your decision
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
many years ago i did the Beachbody Power 90 Bootcamp. it was (is) a 90 day program with a combo of cardio and strength training. 6 days a week, with a day off. every morning i'd roll out of bed, into sneakers, out to the living room and push play. i was consistent and didn't miss a work out....in fact, i did a second round of 90 when the first was done. i lost a ton of weight and got super toned and fit.
however......at 14 days i did NOT look like a success story. if anything i looked worse, puffier.....as the muscles built more quickly than the fat faded. i was exchanging fat for muscle and thus there wasn't much of a change on the scale.
had i stopped there and used my 14 day assessment of the program, i would have asked for my money back!!!
but it wasn't a 14 day program.
sobriety isn't a 14 day program.
it's barely a start.
however......at 14 days i did NOT look like a success story. if anything i looked worse, puffier.....as the muscles built more quickly than the fat faded. i was exchanging fat for muscle and thus there wasn't much of a change on the scale.
had i stopped there and used my 14 day assessment of the program, i would have asked for my money back!!!
but it wasn't a 14 day program.
sobriety isn't a 14 day program.
it's barely a start.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
If you take alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you have a horse thief. One of the biggest problems recovering alcoholics have to deal with is anger. Fortunately I turned to AA and worked the Steps plus therapy. I recommend Alanon.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
Wamama48, did you give him some sort of ultimatum about his drinking? Stop drinking or I'll <insert consequence>?
If you did, well if it were me I'd be looking at my wife as an obstacle between me and what I want to do - drink. And I'd begin to resent her for it, and act like a child denied his favorite toy or snack, too.
If it was something he did willingly, on his own initiative, well even under the best of circumstances at 14 days my mind was still a complete mess. Would rather not deliver bad news to you, but you should prepare yourself for some really rocky times for a while. An alcoholic who has his coping tool taken from him - alcohol - and doesn't replace it with any healthy tools is miserable, and will make everyone in his life miserable, too. Trying to go this alone, w/out help or a program - he's got a very, very small chance of staying sober.
It's a lot easier to stop drinking than it is to stay stopped.
If you did, well if it were me I'd be looking at my wife as an obstacle between me and what I want to do - drink. And I'd begin to resent her for it, and act like a child denied his favorite toy or snack, too.
If it was something he did willingly, on his own initiative, well even under the best of circumstances at 14 days my mind was still a complete mess. Would rather not deliver bad news to you, but you should prepare yourself for some really rocky times for a while. An alcoholic who has his coping tool taken from him - alcohol - and doesn't replace it with any healthy tools is miserable, and will make everyone in his life miserable, too. Trying to go this alone, w/out help or a program - he's got a very, very small chance of staying sober.
It's a lot easier to stop drinking than it is to stay stopped.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Originally Posted by Ken0331
Wamama48, did you give him some sort of ultimatum about his drinking? Stop drinking or I'll <insert consequence>?
If you did, well if it were me I'd be looking at my wife as an obstacle between me and what I want to do - drink. And I'd begin to resent her for it, and act like a child denied his favorite toy or snack, too.
If it was something he did willingly, on his own initiative, well even under the best of circumstances at 14 days my mind was still a complete mess. Would rather not deliver bad news to you, but you should prepare yourself for some really rocky times for a while. An alcoholic who has his coping tool taken from him - alcohol - and doesn't replace it with any healthy tools is miserable, and will make everyone in his life miserable, too. Trying to go this alone, w/out help or a program - he's got a very, very small chance of staying sober.
It's a lot easier to stop drinking than it is to stay stopped.
If you did, well if it were me I'd be looking at my wife as an obstacle between me and what I want to do - drink. And I'd begin to resent her for it, and act like a child denied his favorite toy or snack, too.
If it was something he did willingly, on his own initiative, well even under the best of circumstances at 14 days my mind was still a complete mess. Would rather not deliver bad news to you, but you should prepare yourself for some really rocky times for a while. An alcoholic who has his coping tool taken from him - alcohol - and doesn't replace it with any healthy tools is miserable, and will make everyone in his life miserable, too. Trying to go this alone, w/out help or a program - he's got a very, very small chance of staying sober.
It's a lot easier to stop drinking than it is to stay stopped.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Thank you Ken .I see a very rocky path for him. Yes I did finally put my foot down. And he is angry. I honestly didn't expect him to stop. He had the flu and was too sick to drink for three days, in and out of the doctors and ER once. Then he said he might as well continue not drinking. I was an idiot and told him I didnt think it was the best time to quit when he was getting over the flu, fever, bronchitis etc. Yes, I actually said that. Im an IDIOT. I did apologize with my head hung low. I told him I wasnt trying to discourage him, my thinking was if he tried to quit when he was at his lowest, he would say "there, I tried, I told you I couldnt do it." Ive never been so glad to be so wrong. And I agree with your signature, dogs are the best.
I tried to edit it because I added on a lot, I clicked save, and it disappeared!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Since my post is floating around somewhere in cyberspace, I guess I will just do an abbreviated version. I just wanted to thank everyone for helping me to know what to expect, that he is acting normal for an alcoholic who just stopped drinking, that Im not alone is my anger and resentment and Im taking the advice of many and not talking to him about it. This is his to own, and he knows Im here if he needs help or wants to talk. This is a great group of people here!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wamama48--
I was helped a lot by AlAnon have you tried an AlAnon meeting?
As many on this board will remind you (gently I hope, although sometimes we all need a kick in the pants LOL) the only thing you can do for your AH is focus on your own recovery. Recovery from what, you may ask, I'm not the alcoholic! But in any alcoholic family everyone has been doing the dance and playing their parts based on the rules of the disease. Breaking out of denial, which you seem to be starting to do, and recognizing that we have been participating in repeated behaviors that are very unhealthy is just the beginning. And everything must start at the beginning so give yourself a pat on the back for starting to crack this egg open!
Whether or not your hubby stays sober is beyond your control:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
I couldn't get my head around a lot of what had been ingrained in me by growing up with an A father and Codie Mom until I read the book "Codependent No More" and started going to AlAnon meetings in my twenties. Turned my head around and woke me up AND gave me some great tools for amazing growth in myself: I am the only person that I can change!
Peace,
B.
I was helped a lot by AlAnon have you tried an AlAnon meeting?
As many on this board will remind you (gently I hope, although sometimes we all need a kick in the pants LOL) the only thing you can do for your AH is focus on your own recovery. Recovery from what, you may ask, I'm not the alcoholic! But in any alcoholic family everyone has been doing the dance and playing their parts based on the rules of the disease. Breaking out of denial, which you seem to be starting to do, and recognizing that we have been participating in repeated behaviors that are very unhealthy is just the beginning. And everything must start at the beginning so give yourself a pat on the back for starting to crack this egg open!
Whether or not your hubby stays sober is beyond your control:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
I couldn't get my head around a lot of what had been ingrained in me by growing up with an A father and Codie Mom until I read the book "Codependent No More" and started going to AlAnon meetings in my twenties. Turned my head around and woke me up AND gave me some great tools for amazing growth in myself: I am the only person that I can change!
Peace,
B.
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