Bittersweetlove

I haven’t been on here much lately. My reasoning being I needed to focus on myself and felt at times focusing on this past relationship with my exab kept me too focused on him and prevented me from focusing on myself.

I have spent a lot of time working on myself, thereby, meditation, and fixing the areas in my life that no longer serve me. It’s been nearly a year since the break up and for the most part it’s been a year of growth. My life is while not perfect in a much better place than this time last year.

So maybe naively I let me boundaries slide or didn’t see him coming but boy did he ever come at me. Yes I know blocking him equally no new hurts... you can judge me if you would like however, for me I choose to be nice and not initiating conversation has until this point brought things down from a boiling point. Or so I thought, maybe it’s the sixth sense that I’m getting healthier that caused him to try to assert his control.

He basically came at me with a past wound that is so deep and painful I don’t talk about it without professional therepists. He decided to poke at it through text message. Out of nowhere and with a variation of odd emojis and riddles likely drunkly so (he is in forced recovery, so likely drinking) I of course so naive assumed that he wasn’t actually bringing up what I thought he was until he made it blatantly obvious it was.... In which I shut the conversation down immediately and told him communication was no longer a good idea.

My question is the anger, confusion, and all around why has plagued me and all my normal methods of soothing myself seem to just be very temporary at best...How can I allow someone to exert this much emotional control over me when I’m doing so well? Does it ever feel like to anyone else that their reappearance out of hiding or “behaving” feels like an attack?

glenl

I am not very far out from having left my alcoholic but I often feel like his emails and messages to me are meant to upset me.

Then I take a few steps back, take a few deep breaths, and remember that everything isn't about me. His toxic behavior is his own. I don't have to let it into my life or my mind.

I filtered out his emails and if he starts texting me, I'll change my phone number.

I have a life to live here, and I refuse to let his feelings become my feelings again just because that's what he wants.

Hawkeye13

My mother did this to me for decades when she was drunk.
Drunken phone calls as we had no texting option then.

I think for her, it was a way of getting engagement from us
and was so very hurtful until I finally stopped answering the phone.

Yes, a period of quiet lulled me into thinking her drinking wasn't so bad
and that she really did have my best interests at heart.
Until the next phone call when I'd stupidly pick up.

It took me decades to learn--well done on learning it faster.
He isn't in a place of empathy or compassion at this time.
He may never be.

Take care of you and care from a distance if you still want to keep caring.

SparkleKitty

Well, this actually sounds like it was an attack, if I am reading your post right. So it's not surprising that normal methods of self-soothing are not as effective around this issue.

What do you think might happen if you chose to bring up this issue with a professional therapist? I understand your reluctance, believe me. But dealing with the issue might be the only thing that will release the hold it--and by extension, he--has over you.

Bittersweetlove

Thank you, for the feedback. I agree he is far from the place of being compassionate or really feeling anything about anyone but himself. Distance is without a doubt in place. It’s my own residual pain from the event that I’m frustrated with Mostly with myself for not realizing it sooner and shutting it down.

I am working through the issue and have been told that it’s not at the point that speaking about it openly outside of the professional environment is safe. Which is why I was so confused about it because he has no idea I’m working on this and it felt like he went after this in particular deliberately almost as if he knew I was struggling with it. Although, I know there is no way he does. He basically from what I assume or even can gather from something I don’t understand is that he simply wanted me to know that he knew about the issue.

It’s not something I openly share for obvious reasons so I assume given his vast free time went looking for something to be upset about and decided that would do the trick. Let just say it’s one of those pains you can’t deny has long and vast reaching damage to ones life so it’s not like he thought it was something small and it turned out to be big it was in fact undeniable to anyone with 2 brain cells that it’s not something you throw out in conversation which only angers me further.

maia1234

BSL,
Welcome back. Ugh!! Its so hard for us to understand what sick people they are, even over time. You are healing, being apart, but they are getting worse in their alcoholism. They want you to feel their anger and hatred towards themselves. If we allow them that power, they win.

I know you want to be nice and helpful, but obviously, once again he can not be trusted. Dont get mad at yourself because they are master manipulators. They are good at what they do. The old saying, When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

Write this incident off as an example of why you are not together. This confirms one hundred percent what you want in life, which is not a life with him. Reconfirm your commitment to no contact, as it always hurt the heart. You did good, you reached out here for support and understanding. We get it, you get it and you can move forward. (I always like to compare our failures like an addict, just having that one drink, puts you back to day one. Just having that one interaction with him, puts your recovery back to day one.)

You got this my friend, you have done this before. Press ignore and block him!! Hugs!!

dandylion

Bittersweetlove.....it is called "leveling".....bringing someone else down to make themselves feel more elevated.....it is a common technique that people with low self esteem use......
Of course, he knew it would hurt you!....that is how it keeps you under his control...by assaulting your self esteem...keeping you off balance...trying to make you feel "less than".....
He instinctively knows w here your soft, vulnerable underbelly is....and, and ha s no qualms about it....it was a vicious thing to do, in my opinion.
Don't expect a drunk person to put your welfare before their own....

He is not your friend. Friends don't do this to us.....

HardLessons

Hi BSL

Over years of time, I have become what I consider to be well educated in terms of addiction. I have read volumes. Have also received what I consider to be excellent one on one therapy.

One thing that I have learned, the hard way, is that regardless of how much I now know about addiction - I cannot interact with my addict in any healthy manner. For whatever reason you want to choose, I cant deal with her without ending up being devastated. Boundaries do not work with her.

I also have an extremely painful hurtful subject which I only discuss with my therapist. So I understand how you feel.

Maybe you are like me & are just unable to deal with him. If so, please keep yourself far away from him. Accept that it is what it is. Don't let him attack you. Don't let him hurt you any more. I am trying my best to do the same.

Thanks

AnvilheadII

not to beat a dead horse, but this is EXACTLY why full out NO CONTACT is so helpful and beneficial to US.

no new contacts = no new hurts.

you want to play nice.
he goes in for the kill.