struggling
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struggling
Hello all ,
I've been fighting the mind battles ;
Almost two years into this thing called divorce >
my mind wonders maybe he wasn't an alcoholic > maybe he just likes to drink every day ( that's his right? ) and all the hidden vodka bottles were his property and he had a right to put them where he wants?
maybe all the evil names he called me was my fault for trying to express my feelings on his drinking
maybe he went to the club every weekend to be with people who liked to drink ( because I don't)
maybe he abandoned me because I wanted to improve our marriage ?
maybe my marriage is over because I didn't fight long enough ...
Now on my good day I know these are crazy thoughts ... but on my bad days they torment me ....
STXAH had a wonderful Xmas .. he has had the time of his life since we separated .. at every party , club there is ... spends money recklessly ...
But here I am stuck with the marital debt and emotions of a failed marriage .... maybe he was right and I was wrong ...
We went to court and he looks at me like he hates me?? HUH
( and he has the great luck to be granted a postponement again)
All the judge says to him is I suggest you pay something because at this point you have disobeyed my order sir ....... STBXAH looks at judge and says " I don't know what to tell you , I don't have money to give her" ????
what's the point of a order if the other party does not have to obey it?
sorry this is sooo long .. the pain has me to the point I can't think sometimes
I've been fighting the mind battles ;
Almost two years into this thing called divorce >
my mind wonders maybe he wasn't an alcoholic > maybe he just likes to drink every day ( that's his right? ) and all the hidden vodka bottles were his property and he had a right to put them where he wants?
maybe all the evil names he called me was my fault for trying to express my feelings on his drinking
maybe he went to the club every weekend to be with people who liked to drink ( because I don't)
maybe he abandoned me because I wanted to improve our marriage ?
maybe my marriage is over because I didn't fight long enough ...
Now on my good day I know these are crazy thoughts ... but on my bad days they torment me ....
STXAH had a wonderful Xmas .. he has had the time of his life since we separated .. at every party , club there is ... spends money recklessly ...
But here I am stuck with the marital debt and emotions of a failed marriage .... maybe he was right and I was wrong ...
We went to court and he looks at me like he hates me?? HUH
( and he has the great luck to be granted a postponement again)
All the judge says to him is I suggest you pay something because at this point you have disobeyed my order sir ....... STBXAH looks at judge and says " I don't know what to tell you , I don't have money to give her" ????
what's the point of a order if the other party does not have to obey it?
sorry this is sooo long .. the pain has me to the point I can't think sometimes
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
savingme....I think of those "Krazy" questions you ask yourself as the co-dependent voice whispering to you....try ing to drag you backward...
I think that the pain (anger) that you feel is the natural voice of your real self showing the development of self esteem......
I think the second one is the one that will, eventually, lead you out of the forest.....
I think that the pain (anger) that you feel is the natural voice of your real self showing the development of self esteem......
I think the second one is the one that will, eventually, lead you out of the forest.....
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
SM2017, are you in counseling? Al-Anon? Are you getting support for your OWN recovery through this process, in addition to positing here?
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Originally Posted by dandylion
savingme....I think of those "Krazy" questions you ask yourself as the co-dependent voice whispering to you....try ing to drag you backward...
I think that the pain (anger) that you feel is the natural voice of your real self showing the development of self esteem......
I think the second one is the one that will, eventually, lead you out of the forest.....
I think that the pain (anger) that you feel is the natural voice of your real self showing the development of self esteem......
I think the second one is the one that will, eventually, lead you out of the forest.....
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Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by savingmein2017
No counseling , just trying to make it through alone 
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Posts: 1,618
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I think dandylion is right, there are two voices "arguing" in your head - one of them is an "old" voice which comes from all the years of trying to rationalize alcoholic craziness and the other is the "new"voice, which is expressing itself in hurt and anger, but which will ultimately save you.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I think dandylion is right, there are two voices "arguing" in your head - one of them is an "old" voice which comes from all the years of trying to rationalize alcoholic craziness and the other is the "new"voice, which is expressing itself in hurt and anger, but which will ultimately save you.
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savingme.....some day....down the road....in the big picture of your life....the really BIG picture.....
You will realize that the one who gains him/herself is the true winner.
No one can ever take yourself away from you! All things in life are transient, except your self....at the soul level...where we truly live.....
I am noticing your forum name...."saving me".....wasn't there a reason that you chose that name in the first place?
You will realize that the one who gains him/herself is the true winner.
No one can ever take yourself away from you! All things in life are transient, except your self....at the soul level...where we truly live.....
I am noticing your forum name...."saving me".....wasn't there a reason that you chose that name in the first place?
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Originally Posted by dandylion
savingme.....some day....down the road....in the big picture of your life....the really BIG picture.....
You will realize that the one who gains him/herself is the true winner.
No one can ever take yourself away from you! All things in life are transient, except your self....at the soul level...where we truly live.....
I am noticing your forum name...."saving me".....wasn't there a reason that you chose that name in the first place?
You will realize that the one who gains him/herself is the true winner.
No one can ever take yourself away from you! All things in life are transient, except your self....at the soul level...where we truly live.....
I am noticing your forum name...."saving me".....wasn't there a reason that you chose that name in the first place?
the way he is partying >his words are " he has saved himself from me"
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
STXAH had a wonderful Xmas .. he has had the time of his life since we separated .. at every party , club there is ... spends money recklessly ...
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
Yes but I don't feel like I'm the one saved from all STBXAH chaos ...
the way he is partying >his words are " he has saved himself from me"
the way he is partying >his words are " he has saved himself from me"
My uncle "partied" as much as he could, and had great fun when he was in his 30s. By his 40s he was morbidly obese and sick all the time. He continued "partying" (much more of his partying involved sitting in a chair), and died painfully -- liver failure -- by the time he was 53.
Why do you choose not to "party?" I gather from your post that you do not have children. So you could drink, party, ignore the marital debt, declare bankruptcy, numb your emotions, pretend everything is ok.
Is it because this kind of life really doesn't look good to you? Then be thankful that you are moving on, and getting a person like this out of your intimate space.
You are not going to change the beliefs of your stbxah. He will "party" on, till he quits or drops dead. That is the life that he chooses.
The consequences will be his, as well.
Especially now that you are choosing to get out of the way, and to make a better life for yourself.
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savingme....there is nothing that guarantees us from the chaos of divorcing an alcoholic.....most things associated with alcoholics, prod uce chaos....
The thousands, here on this board can testify to that...including myself.
All things in life have a consequence...either good or bad....
One of the consequences of picking an alcoholic and hitching ourselves to their star is that we suffer the consequences of that.....
the thing you can do now...the only thing...is to protect yourself as well as you can...and, go forward to live the very best life that you can....
If you are looking for the court to offer justice....you won't see it. The court is set up to settle property and ownership rights disputes....
The only true complete justice (or revenge) is a life well lived.....
When one is feeling the sting of victimhood...which I am sure you are...(He is a jerk).....the best thing is to start evaluating your blessings...to make your own thankful list....It is one of the things that can turn the heart and spirit to a better place....
The thousands, here on this board can testify to that...including myself.
All things in life have a consequence...either good or bad....
One of the consequences of picking an alcoholic and hitching ourselves to their star is that we suffer the consequences of that.....
the thing you can do now...the only thing...is to protect yourself as well as you can...and, go forward to live the very best life that you can....
If you are looking for the court to offer justice....you won't see it. The court is set up to settle property and ownership rights disputes....
The only true complete justice (or revenge) is a life well lived.....
When one is feeling the sting of victimhood...which I am sure you are...(He is a jerk).....the best thing is to start evaluating your blessings...to make your own thankful list....It is one of the things that can turn the heart and spirit to a better place....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Yes, he isn't really "winning" although it seems so because things
are so painfully subjective right now.
He's still an addict whose addiction is progressing.
He's running up his own debt, and at some point
this will catch up to him physically and financially.
Mentally and emotionally, he is deluded and infantile.
Be grateful you no longer have to deal with that daily.
The important question is will you be far along in your
own recovery or still watching what he's doing at the expense of your own healing?
You can't control him, the courts, and so on, but you can control
your own focus and responses.
It hurts, and it isn't fair, but you can be healing through all this believe
it or not.
In a few years, we'll see whose ahead. . .
are so painfully subjective right now.
He's still an addict whose addiction is progressing.
He's running up his own debt, and at some point
this will catch up to him physically and financially.
Mentally and emotionally, he is deluded and infantile.
Be grateful you no longer have to deal with that daily.
The important question is will you be far along in your
own recovery or still watching what he's doing at the expense of your own healing?
You can't control him, the courts, and so on, but you can control
your own focus and responses.
It hurts, and it isn't fair, but you can be healing through all this believe
it or not.
In a few years, we'll see whose ahead. . .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Needabreak
Looks like you buy into the idea that he who "parties" most is the winner, and is having the best life. Maybe it would help to examine that belief?
My uncle "partied" as much as he could, and had great fun when he was in his 30s. By his 40s he was morbidly obese and sick all the time. He continued "partying" (much more of his partying involved sitting in a chair), and died painfully -- liver failure -- by the time he was 53.
Why do you choose not to "party?" I gather from your post that you do not have children. So you could drink, party, ignore the marital debt, declare bankruptcy, numb your emotions, pretend everything is ok.
Is it because this kind of life really doesn't look good to you? Then be thankful that you are moving on, and getting a person like this out of your intimate space.
You are not going to change the beliefs of your stbxah. He will "party" on, till he quits or drops dead. That is the life that he chooses.
The consequences will be his, as well.
Especially now that you are choosing to get out of the way, and to make a better life for yourself.
My uncle "partied" as much as he could, and had great fun when he was in his 30s. By his 40s he was morbidly obese and sick all the time. He continued "partying" (much more of his partying involved sitting in a chair), and died painfully -- liver failure -- by the time he was 53.
Why do you choose not to "party?" I gather from your post that you do not have children. So you could drink, party, ignore the marital debt, declare bankruptcy, numb your emotions, pretend everything is ok.
Is it because this kind of life really doesn't look good to you? Then be thankful that you are moving on, and getting a person like this out of your intimate space.
You are not going to change the beliefs of your stbxah. He will "party" on, till he quits or drops dead. That is the life that he chooses.
The consequences will be his, as well.
Especially now that you are choosing to get out of the way, and to make a better life for yourself.
,,,,, my perception gets so cloudy at times> I appreciate all the responses
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Yes, he isn't really "winning" although it seems so because things
are so painfully subjective right now.
He's still an addict whose addiction is progressing.
He's running up his own debt, and at some point
this will catch up to him physically and financially.
Mentally and emotionally, he is deluded and infantile.
Be grateful you no longer have to deal with that daily.
The important question is will you be far along in your
own recovery or still watching what he's doing at the expense of your own healing?
You can't control him, the courts, and so on, but you can control
your own focus and responses.
It hurts, and it isn't fair, but you can be healing through all this believe
it or not.
In a few years, we'll see whose ahead. . .
are so painfully subjective right now.
He's still an addict whose addiction is progressing.
He's running up his own debt, and at some point
this will catch up to him physically and financially.
Mentally and emotionally, he is deluded and infantile.
Be grateful you no longer have to deal with that daily.
The important question is will you be far along in your
own recovery or still watching what he's doing at the expense of your own healing?
You can't control him, the courts, and so on, but you can control
your own focus and responses.
It hurts, and it isn't fair, but you can be healing through all this believe
it or not.
In a few years, we'll see whose ahead. . .
Then a court date comes up .. I see him ... I hear him tell lie after lie to the judge. It was so bad the judge told him " your not being honest sir" and then the judge presented him with the fraudulent financial statement he submitted and the bank statements I presented. ( I had to subpoena thebank records > thank goodness I did because he was prepared to lie again ) smh
I can't wait for the years to past and I never have to see him again .. oh Happy Day !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by dandylion
savingme....there is nothing that guarantees us from the chaos of divorcing an alcoholic.....most things associated with alcoholics, prod uce chaos....
The thousands, here on this board can testify to that...including myself.
All things in life have a consequence...either good or bad....
One of the consequences of picking an alcoholic and hitching ourselves to their star is that we suffer the consequences of that.....
the thing you can do now...the only thing...is to protect yourself as well as you can...and, go forward to live the very best life that you can....
If you are looking for the court to offer justice....you won't see it. The court is set up to settle property and ownership rights disputes....
The only true complete justice (or revenge) is a life well lived.....
When one is feeling the sting of victimhood...which I am sure you are...(He is a jerk).....the best thing is to start evaluating your blessings...to make your own thankful list....It is one of the things that can turn the heart and spirit to a better place....
The thousands, here on this board can testify to that...including myself.
All things in life have a consequence...either good or bad....
One of the consequences of picking an alcoholic and hitching ourselves to their star is that we suffer the consequences of that.....
the thing you can do now...the only thing...is to protect yourself as well as you can...and, go forward to live the very best life that you can....
If you are looking for the court to offer justice....you won't see it. The court is set up to settle property and ownership rights disputes....
The only true complete justice (or revenge) is a life well lived.....
When one is feeling the sting of victimhood...which I am sure you are...(He is a jerk).....the best thing is to start evaluating your blessings...to make your own thankful list....It is one of the things that can turn the heart and spirit to a better place....
I'm trying to stay positive and look at the bigger picture> its just gets hard sometimes
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Sounds like your homework of getting the bank statements has paid off,
or will.
He won't be able to support the lie any longer now that you've proven
via the records he's full of shite.
In the end, the truth will out
or will.
He won't be able to support the lie any longer now that you've proven
via the records he's full of shite.
In the end, the truth will out
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
As for the mind battles:
Maybe not. But that doesn't really matter does it? Let's say he only got roaring drunk once every two weeks, would that be better for you?
And yes, it is his right as an adult to drink all day long and all night long if he so chooses and to hoard bottles all over if he wants to as well.
The only question is, is that what YOU want, is that what you want in your Husband? Is that the life you want to live, with someone who is always drunk?
Perhaps, I don't know what his motivation is. The bottom line is you don't deserve to be called names. Who does he think he is to call you ANY name at ANY time?? You are a human being with feelings. Do you want a partner that would belittle you - ever, for any reason?
This is probably true, but again, is that the lifestyle you want from your partner?
The only way this one rings true is if improving your marriage meant him not drinking. Alcoholics choose the alcohol.
How long is long enough to fight? Did he show any sign of putting you before his drinking? You have read here enough to know you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
Maybe you could write something out for those bad days? A perception check, write down what all that really means, not what you ruminate about. Might help to read it back on those days.
STXAH had a wonderful Xmas .. he has had the time of his life since we separated .. at every party , club there is ... spends money recklessly ... Drinking can be fun, no doubt about that. You lived with him, what is the day after that party like? Was he laughing and feeling good about life? Maybe planning something nice to do?
You used your credit for his truck. So this money he is spending, he's going further in to debt probably. That must be just great. Basically what he has is debt and a lot of hangovers.
As for the legal proceedings, sounds like the judge knows exactly what's going on here, so that will be sorted out eventually. Your ex is being arrogant and that's just fine, the judge is on to him.
my mind wonders maybe he wasn't an alcoholic > maybe he just likes to drink every day ( that's his right? ) and all the hidden vodka bottles were his property and he had a right to put them where he wants?
And yes, it is his right as an adult to drink all day long and all night long if he so chooses and to hoard bottles all over if he wants to as well.
The only question is, is that what YOU want, is that what you want in your Husband? Is that the life you want to live, with someone who is always drunk?
maybe all the evil names he called me was my fault for trying to express my feelings on his drinking
maybe he went to the club every weekend to be with people who liked to drink ( because I don't)
maybe he abandoned me because I wanted to improve our marriage ?
maybe my marriage is over because I didn't fight long enough ...
maybe my marriage is over because I didn't fight long enough ...
How long is long enough to fight? Did he show any sign of putting you before his drinking? You have read here enough to know you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
Now on my good day I know these are crazy thoughts ... but on my bad days they torment me ....
STXAH had a wonderful Xmas .. he has had the time of his life since we separated .. at every party , club there is ... spends money recklessly ...
You used your credit for his truck. So this money he is spending, he's going further in to debt probably. That must be just great. Basically what he has is debt and a lot of hangovers.
As for the legal proceedings, sounds like the judge knows exactly what's going on here, so that will be sorted out eventually. Your ex is being arrogant and that's just fine, the judge is on to him.
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