struggling
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if i recall your story, he had "nothing" when you met....and that you "gave" him many things, paid for many things, etc. and he freely took those things. you put all the debt in your name, but he got to enjoy the benefits.
so now he has refused to give you a dime. is that really that surprising? did he EVER? no, he's a 50 yr old con artist. who thinks he's a rock star.
you wanted to believe him to be someone other than who he was.
but more is always revealed....this IS who he IS.
not your fault.
he's not worth your time or sorrow.
we live. we learn. we live.
so now he has refused to give you a dime. is that really that surprising? did he EVER? no, he's a 50 yr old con artist. who thinks he's a rock star.
you wanted to believe him to be someone other than who he was.
but more is always revealed....this IS who he IS.
not your fault.
he's not worth your time or sorrow.
we live. we learn. we live.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Glad you are posting on bad days SM. I hope your day got better.
Although your Ex may have had a wonderful Christmas I bet today, the 26th, wasn't so great for him.
I never married my qualifier so had an easier (still pretty darn hard) time getting away. It must be super difficult to see him. Just keep putting one foot in front of another. There is an end even if you can't see it.
Let us know how you get on and take care of yourself!
Although your Ex may have had a wonderful Christmas I bet today, the 26th, wasn't so great for him.
I never married my qualifier so had an easier (still pretty darn hard) time getting away. It must be super difficult to see him. Just keep putting one foot in front of another. There is an end even if you can't see it.
Let us know how you get on and take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Originally Posted by savingmein2017 
No counseling , just trying to make it through alone 
I did go to alanon but it wasn't for me. I know it does help,lots of people so I would recommend you at least check it out a few times.
I think you will be a happier person if you get some professional help (preferably from someone that has experience with addiction ). I am still struggling with a lot of guilt of why I just can't move forward like my H is ready for and slowly but surely that is improving . I'm learning I need to do what is right for me and to stop and try to worry about everyone else feeling first. It is hard to do because that's how I've been my entire life practically. I would not be where I am today without help. Being with an addict takes a huge toll on a person. You need to make changes to your ways as well to avoid falling back into a similar relationship in the future. Again I couldn't have done that without help. I struggle a lot with expressing and showing emotion partially due to my upbringing (never would've really looked at that that way) and partially due to my current and previous marriage as well as communication.
Being a SO of an addict is really tough and even if you're divorced now it still affects you. Getting counseling or going to alanon will help you work through a lot and make you realize that you're not to blame for everything that happened.
Hang in there and be kind to yourself !!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo
I really strongly suggest counseling for you. It has been a life saver for me and I'm not necessarily a big fan of "psychobabble" as I like to call it. I don't know how I would've survived without it. Until I confronted my H last year no one knew about his addiction and it was very isolating and lonely because I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Now I can but unless you've been there people don't really understand what you're going through. I myself thought once my H got sober everything would just get better magically which is far from the truth. It may work that way for some people but I bet for the majority it doesn't. Years of having to put up with it and tolerate it takes a toll. I obviously had a lot mow codependency issues and counseling has really helped me work through that and a lot of the guilt I have about lots of things.
I did go to alanon but it wasn't for me. I know it does help,lots of people so I would recommend you at least check it out a few times.
I think you will be a happier person if you get some professional help (preferably from someone that has experience with addiction ). I am still struggling with a lot of guilt of why I just can't move forward like my H is ready for and slowly but surely that is improving . I'm learning I need to do what is right for me and to stop and try to worry about everyone else feeling first. It is hard to do because that's how I've been my entire life practically. I would not be where I am today without help. Being with an addict takes a huge toll on a person. You need to make changes to your ways as well to avoid falling back into a similar relationship in the future. Again I couldn't have done that without help. I struggle a lot with expressing and showing emotion partially due to my upbringing (never would've really looked at that that way) and partially due to my current and previous marriage as well as communication.
Being a SO of an addict is really tough and even if you're divorced now it still affects you. Getting counseling or going to alanon will help you work through a lot and make you realize that you're not to blame for everything that happened.
Hang in there and be kind to yourself !!
I did go to alanon but it wasn't for me. I know it does help,lots of people so I would recommend you at least check it out a few times.
I think you will be a happier person if you get some professional help (preferably from someone that has experience with addiction ). I am still struggling with a lot of guilt of why I just can't move forward like my H is ready for and slowly but surely that is improving . I'm learning I need to do what is right for me and to stop and try to worry about everyone else feeling first. It is hard to do because that's how I've been my entire life practically. I would not be where I am today without help. Being with an addict takes a huge toll on a person. You need to make changes to your ways as well to avoid falling back into a similar relationship in the future. Again I couldn't have done that without help. I struggle a lot with expressing and showing emotion partially due to my upbringing (never would've really looked at that that way) and partially due to my current and previous marriage as well as communication.
Being a SO of an addict is really tough and even if you're divorced now it still affects you. Getting counseling or going to alanon will help you work through a lot and make you realize that you're not to blame for everything that happened.
Hang in there and be kind to yourself !!
I always thought counseling was for those that didn't know the " who , what and how's" of a problem?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Counseling is for YOU, my friend. You have been through the wringer being married to an alcoholic. Counseling can help you examine your feelings, your resentments, and your own actions so that you can move on from concern about what he is doing or thinking into a place of well-being and contentment with your own life--no matter what is going on with him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
savingme....therapy is not to save the marriage...it is for you....if you want it, of course. No one is going to make you go.
Most all of us have baggage that we brought into the relationship, ourselves. And, invariably, those issues had roots in our early years--long before we met our alcoholic.
Humans tend to behave in patterns...even if we don't recognize it....and we tend to repeat those patterns over and over--unless we recognize and change the patterns. Those who marry and stay for a long time with an alcoholic or addict are likely to pick the same thing, again...just in different wrapping....
Therapy can help us to gain more insight into ourselves...why we are the way we are and what we need, in life...and, how to get what we need...
It can give us the support we need to boost our own self esteem and self confidence....and, it can help us recognize our emotions and deal with them in a way that allows us to thrive...not just exist.....
Most all of us have baggage that we brought into the relationship, ourselves. And, invariably, those issues had roots in our early years--long before we met our alcoholic.
Humans tend to behave in patterns...even if we don't recognize it....and we tend to repeat those patterns over and over--unless we recognize and change the patterns. Those who marry and stay for a long time with an alcoholic or addict are likely to pick the same thing, again...just in different wrapping....
Therapy can help us to gain more insight into ourselves...why we are the way we are and what we need, in life...and, how to get what we need...
It can give us the support we need to boost our own self esteem and self confidence....and, it can help us recognize our emotions and deal with them in a way that allows us to thrive...not just exist.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Counseling is for YOU, my friend. You have been through the wringer being married to an alcoholic. Counseling can help you examine your feelings, your resentments, and your own actions so that you can move on from concern about what he is doing or thinking into a place of well-being and contentment with your own life--no matter what is going on with him.
However I really don't care what he is doing .. I mention it from time to time just to release it out of my head. The only issue I have pertaining to his right now actions> is if he goes out and kills someone (DUI) and the potential effects on me financially.
Once this divorce is final .. I could care less about his doings.....
I have released what could have been > this marriage is over > ... I never wanted this divorce but I accept and I'm moving on the best I can .. I wanted us to be healthy .. All of this chaos is his to carry .... I could careless once I'm no longer financially attached to the madness.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sorry if I misinterpreted your first post. I read a lot of pain, anguish and self-doubt there. Those are all things that therapy helped me with when I was in crisis, and continued to help me with in the aftermath as I dug deeper into my own issues of self-worth. My pain had progressed to the point where I needed all the real-life support I could muster.
I hope your divorce is final soon and you can put some of these worries behind you.
I hope your divorce is final soon and you can put some of these worries behind you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Sorry if I misinterpreted your first post. I read a lot of pain, anguish and self-doubt there. Those are all things that therapy helped me with when I was in crisis, and continued to help me with in the aftermath as I dug deeper into my own issues of self-worth. My pain had progressed to the point where I needed all the real-life support I could muster.
I hope your divorce is final soon and you can put some of these worries behind you.
I hope your divorce is final soon and you can put some of these worries behind you.
the self doubt comes in to play when I think of "my value" and how long I have hurt behind the failure of my marriage....
I know my worth is a lot more the STBXAH
..... but I can't just get over it as some have advised
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
No one just "gets over" anything, and if that is what anyone has advised, I must have missed it. Getting over something requires time and effort, which is why I recommended counseling. A third party really helped me put things in perspective in a way that my friends and family were simply not equipped to do.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
hopefully all of the court stuff will be over relatively soon - makes it hard to let go and move on when you still have to deal with it all.
Sending you some peace and (((HUGS)))....and a better 2018, free of that mess!
Sending you some peace and (((HUGS)))....and a better 2018, free of that mess!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
No one just "gets over" anything, and if that is what anyone has advised, I must have missed it. Getting over something requires time and effort, which is why I recommended counseling. A third party really helped me put things in perspective in a way that my friends and family were simply not equipped to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by firebolt
hopefully all of the court stuff will be over relatively soon - makes it hard to let go and move on when you still have to deal with it all.
Sending you some peace and (((HUGS)))....and a better 2018, free of that mess!
Sending you some peace and (((HUGS)))....and a better 2018, free of that mess!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh goodness. I remember being in the home run. Almost done, but not there yet. The wait, wait, wait. It's hard.
Let me be one to step in and say, YOU CAN DO IT. You will do it. It won't drag out forever, as much as it seems right now. Distraction as much as possible. Be kind to yourself and do things to take good care of you!!!
Let me be one to step in and say, YOU CAN DO IT. You will do it. It won't drag out forever, as much as it seems right now. Distraction as much as possible. Be kind to yourself and do things to take good care of you!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Oh goodness. I remember being in the home run. Almost done, but not there yet. The wait, wait, wait. It's hard.
Let me be one to step in and say, YOU CAN DO IT. You will do it. It won't drag out forever, as much as it seems right now. Distraction as much as possible. Be kind to yourself and do things to take good care of you!!!
Let me be one to step in and say, YOU CAN DO IT. You will do it. It won't drag out forever, as much as it seems right now. Distraction as much as possible. Be kind to yourself and do things to take good care of you!!!
( it's been a long time coming .. but I'm getting past this hump .. I can see day light which is something I couldn't see this time last year ...
I don't wish this on my worst adversary
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Yes, it really sounds like a rough marathon.
But life will be sweet again--as you say, you are seeing glimpses now
of the peace and freedom you will relish and enjoy and truly deserve.
Therapy, a short course to "process" the pain around this, might be
a useful tool to help you maximize the learning and shorten the suffering.
I had great luck with Cognitive Therapy, but there are lots of kinds. . .
https://www.cognitivetherapynyc.com/...e-Therapy.aspx
But life will be sweet again--as you say, you are seeing glimpses now
of the peace and freedom you will relish and enjoy and truly deserve.
Therapy, a short course to "process" the pain around this, might be
a useful tool to help you maximize the learning and shorten the suffering.
I had great luck with Cognitive Therapy, but there are lots of kinds. . .
https://www.cognitivetherapynyc.com/...e-Therapy.aspx
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