dandylion

AngryMarble....you are getting a lot...a lot...of feedback, now.....
I am guessing that much of it is not wh at you want to hear...(who does?)....and, you are probably pretty overwhelmed, at the moment.....

You have come to a good place, because you are getting reality feedback from the horses mouths...from those of us who have been through the whole gammet.....We, who have walked in your same shoes, in one way or another.....
We are doing our best to help you and prepare you to get through this and come out the other side with you and your children in the best possible shape...
It can be done!
It would not help you, very much, if we tried to sugar coat what we know is the true reality of dealing with alcoholism......
You are at a crossroads in your life, and, the life of your children, right now...So is your husband....Your futures hinge, to a huge extent, on the kinds of decisions that you both make, right now.....especially the children.....

RollTide

AngryMarble,

You said, " Unfortunately I think this is his rock bottom."

Actually the best thing would be if this WAS his rock bottom. My ex had multiple DUI's and other horrible incidents and each time I thought that it surely was his rock bottom. We divorced years ago and he hasn't found that rock bottom yet.

Finding this place was the best thing that happened to me. I read and read and became educated on alcoholism.

We all wish you the very best outcome. Please keep posting. There are some wise people here.

CentralOhioDad

I thought my AW's rock bottom was when she drove home in a blackout from a work party and caused $4k in damage to the car and we had a sheriff at our door at 11:20 at night because her work peeps couldn't reach her. And then a month later she p*ssed all over the kitchen floor and then passed out there with her undies down around her knees.

Nope, next night - back to the wine.

These events led to MY rock bottom, and that's why I began divorce proceedings this week.

Angrymarble

Thank you for all the comments. It had been a busy emotional morning. I’ve read everything and I’m processing...

Challenger2013

Much like COD, I reached my rock bottom before AW did. And she’s still not there.

Protect yourself and the kids. Don’t worry about breaking his heart, because he’s broken yours already. Let him get mad at you for “abandoning” him, because he’s already abandoned you for the booze.

I’ve explained it this way:
Me: If I had an affair, would you forgive me and work through it?
AW: Of course.
Me: Even if I slept around three or four nights a week?
AW: silence
Me: Because that’s what it feels like to me.

LostinLB

I am sorry you are going through all of this, but I will echo what others have said, this is likely not his rock bottom.

For my ex his DUI was the beginning of a long deep dive into his disease. It got so ugly and dangerous. He found himself in FAR more serious legal trouble a couple years later. Looking back at what came after - the dui was nothing.
I don't say this to scare you, I hope it is different for you, but I don't want to see you have a false sense of hope that this will be THE thing that makes him want to change his life.

It is an awful disease and I hope he saves himself before destroying everything.

NYCDoglvr

If by rock bottom you think he will get sober because of this, he might but he probably won't. You must protect yourself and the children first. A big hug.

Angrymarble

So what will make him get sober? There are recovering alcoholics out there right?

Angrymarble

No I don’t want to hear any of this bc I don’t want this to be happening.

But I appreciate the comments I do

suki44883

The only thing that will make him get sober is himself. It has to come from within. Nothing you say or do, or anyone says or does will get him to that point. HE has to reach the point where he refuses to live another day in this condition.

Angrymarble

Wow. You all hit the nail on the head. At dinner tonight he asked if he could get a beer... he said it’s not vodka and he’s not driving. After last night wouldn’t he want nothing to do with that stuff? I’m beyond flabbergasted.

DontRemember

Tell him "NO" and then watch him act like a toddler pouting. I say this not to make fun of him,but I've been him. From my years here on both sides...I don't think there's any behavior/actions/words that would surprise anyone. As a recovering addict, I'll see repeated stuff on that side... As a 'recovering'(this is my only support) codie.. I see the same stuff on this side. There's no unique snowlakes when dealing with addictions.

Bekindalways

A belated welcome AM and also sorry you are here.

My qualifier (addict with whom I was involved) did indeed get sober. It was a long time after I left. He was a wonderful young man with lots of scholarships. His addiction took him all the way down to doing armed robberies. He wound up in jail for 3 years (really should have gone to prison).

Years ago I asked him how he managed to make it. He told me he had three things going for him: 1) a profession he could go back to after jail 2) some kind of faith in something bigger than himself 3) kids who he loved.

The three years in jail probably wasn't bad either as he had to dry out there. I believe that he got out and went back to jail several times before his family quit bailing him out and he did reach some kind of rock bottom.

I know many people who don't lose quite as much as well as people who didn't have a rock bottom and eventually died. It is such a horrible, sad situation/disease/whatever you want to call it.

Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on. As you, no doubt have realized, this is excruciating to live through.

DontRemember

I don't have a 'bottom' myself. I've searched for it a lot. I could retire now and drink myself to death if I wanted.. I'm hardly 40. When I was dealing with my 2nd DUI and drinking to 'block it' from my thoughts.. I woke up one morning. Poured some vodka and put a gun in my mouth,because I was just tired of fighting it all..My addiction,exgf,courts,ect.. I was tired of existing period. Still get a bit emotional when I think about that day.. It wasn't a bottom.. it was a surrender, for me. Kill yourself or stop with the BS,were my two options. I'm still alive,so far... I even took out an extra life insurance policy on myself after that day..

Death is my bottom and I don't look for that anymore.

dandylion

AngryMarble...."What does it take for him to get sober?".....it is hard to say...as it all depends on him. The best you can do (for him)....is to get out of his way by not enabling him and take care of yourself and the kids by staying on your side of the street...(which means to work on your own recovery).....
The bottom line is that he will decide to get into sobriety...genuine life long recovery...or, he won't. Every person is an individual....and, while, the disease is predictable....every person is different.
You can never know what it feels like to be addicted....It is like asking a goldfish to give up water...or, asking you to give up oxygen....
You will not be able to understand it .by ordinary "logic".

If he has been drinking heavily, as you say....it is hard to quit by just "cold turkey' or "white knuckling". Would he consider going to a supervised detox? Or, he could see a doctor who could help him through the immediate withdrawl period. That would get him through the uncomfortable withdrawl period. Usually lasts a few days, for the worst of it. Then, he would need an intensive program...AA ....A rehab program is great if he has insurance....if not, millions of alcoholics are sober through AA....

Hawkeye13

You can't "make" him do it--he can't even "make" himself
do it because you want him to--not for long and not for real.

He has to want it, and until he does nothing will really change.
Next step is he will very likely sneak / hide alcohol from you
if you don't "allow" him to drink.

If you "allow" him his beer, the amounts will quickly escalate
and he may also hide it so he can have more.
A few drinks is just a tease to a drinker--

Either way, his consumption will increase quickly and it's the same
rat race again, at least as far as you and the kids are experiencing.

The only thing you can control in this situation are what you and the
kids are exposed to by your own action of what is something
you are willing to live with.

I'm so sorry to be so negative. It is only because I lived with it
and then proceeded to do it to my spouse that I know this to be
true, and I want to spare you all the games and BS I did with him,
or had done to me by my mother.

Promises of "I will quit, I will get therapy, etc." are another step,but nothing really changes.

What actually got me to take real action was my husband asking
for divorce.
I understood why, and I said he had to do what was right for him,
but the shock of that, and him actually telling me and starting
the process ready to go through with it (not just an empty threat)

was the real kicker for me to wake up and realize I was going to lose
everything. I was also beginning to have trouble at work, but not bad
yet--however, I knew the spiral was happening.

I'm not saying you should do this, or that it would "work" but what
I am saying is there comes a time when the drunk has to accept
consequences, and sometimes that supports internal change.

You should never threaten to leave unless you mean it, because
we really quickly see through that and it backfires as we know
you don't intend to go.

Actions, not words, from both sides are what's needed at this time.

Some therapy, the book CoDependent No More, and some Alanon meetings might help you quite a bit now as you are processing all this.
I'm so sorry it is happening to you and your family.
Addiction really destroys lives. . .

FeelingGreat

Hi AM, I'm in that category with 6 years coming up. I know what did it for me, but every sober A has their own point. And I didn't reach that overnight. It consisted of knowing it was bad for me, looking up how it progressed, talking to my doctor, trying some prescribed medication (didn't work), hypnotism (didn't work), and finally it all clicked. Your AH may go through this process too, but maybe not on your time-line, and possibly after causing all sorts of havoc in the family.

You mentioned he asked for a beer at dinner. That's because it's an addiction and his body is screaming out for alcohol. It's not easy to stop unless you have that turning point where you're really determined, then it becomes easier than you think.

Possibly rehab could help him if his mind's reached the right place, or some other support system like AA. If he's desperate enough he'll go for it.

SmallButMighty

That right there is the billion dollar question. If there was an answer then none of us would be here. I wish none of us had to be. I wish there was magic words that could heal an addict. Wishes aren't facts.

I tried to make my exhusband get sober. The only thing I managed to make happen was to work myself into a debilitating anxiety disorder while I obsessed over him, his health, his actions and all the "what ifs" and "if onlys". I didn't help either one of us. Love was not enough.

Of course some people commit to recovery and stay that way. I know several people with decades of sobriety. They didn't get sober because of a rock bottom, or because of something somebody else said or did. They all decided they didn't want to live like a drunk and made the changes and commitments they had to to get and stay sober. It's an inside job that can NOT contain any compromises or excuses. The same goes for those of us recovering from codependency. We have to own the mistakes we made and not try and pawn them all off on our qualifiers. Self accountability is where the healing starts.

Hugs

P.S. My XAH also got a DUI. It cost us thousands of dollars and several, inconvenient months of him not having a driver's license. He felt shame and started going to AA. He did not commit fully and he went back to drinking...and driving... I got sicker. It should have been rock bottom, at least for one of us. It wasn't. It took many more incidents before I decided it was on me to change me because trying to make him see the light was never going to happen.

Flavia2

What will you have even if he gets sober? My AH has been for more than a yea r, but still wears a. cloak of superiority. Only took it off for about a month tbh.

Angrymarble

When my H isn’t doing stupid stuff, he’s a great husband and father.

I want to tell his family so I’m not dealing with this solo but he won’t let me. But I’m getting to the point I don’t care if he approves of not.