Dui
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Dui
I’ve been reading her for awhile and have learned a lot. The **** hit the fan here back in August and I’ve been angry but trying to get my husband on board with treatment. Saturday he drank too much while watching our children. Monday I told him I had seen a lawyer and wanted a post nuptial agreement. Since Monday he’s been trying to get a marriage counselor for us, a therapist for him. Well, tonight he got a dui.
I’m so scared. He is so lucky he didn’t hurt anyone or this would be 100 times worse but right now it feels awful. I have OCD so I’m consumed with worrying about what will happen to him.
I love him and once upon a time he was a great dad and husband. I kept telling him this disease will progress until he loses everything. Saying I told you so won’t help now. But scared doesn’t begin to describe my emotions.
I’m so scared. He is so lucky he didn’t hurt anyone or this would be 100 times worse but right now it feels awful. I have OCD so I’m consumed with worrying about what will happen to him.
I love him and once upon a time he was a great dad and husband. I kept telling him this disease will progress until he loses everything. Saying I told you so won’t help now. But scared doesn’t begin to describe my emotions.
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Not sure where you live, but I've had two. The 1st one for me was 'BS',but I was legally over the limit..The 2nd..7yrs later was ALL on me! If I can help in anyway I'm here. Sounds like he's not trying to get sober at all though..My 2nd got me into AA (court ordered) and it helped/helps,plus I now take/use this place more seriously. I'm about a year give/take(one drunk night in there) sober. Court stuff has been over for months.. I lost a lot before I came to my senses and pushed a lot of negativity away after. Even after coming to this site looking for help a couple years before my 2nd dui. I didn't listen to what was suggested.
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He has tried to get sober albeit not hard enough. There are times he says he can’t stop. I think the disease has a hold on him. Unfortunately I think this is his rock bottom. I’ve had one hour of sleep. I’m busy planning on selling his car, turning off our cable, cancelling our gym membership. Everything will be on me - he can’t take a kid to school bc he has no license.
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Originally Posted by Angrymarble 
He has tried to get sober albeit not hard enough. There are times he says he can’t stop. I think the disease has a hold on him. Unfortunately I think this is his rock bottom. I’ve had one hour of sleep. I’m busy planning on selling his car, turning off our cable, cancelling our gym membership. Everything will be on me - he can’t take a kid to school bc he has no license.
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Sorry..Just skimmed your other thread. I'd legally divorce him to protect yourself from any future legal backlash from his behavior. If a grown man that just drove himself home is pissing himself...That's out of control and no telling what's next. Protect yourself and the kids..emotionally,financially,ect.. at all costs! I'm not dogging your hubby.. I've been there myself. I've also been in your situation too and it's not fair, normal or where you want to be.
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1st offense in my experience and again...it depends on the state..his BAC,ect.. I'd guess, if you can/do go with a public defender.. $1000-$1200 fine. DUI class $50-$100. Victims impact panel $50-$100. 40-80hrs community service. Probation until all the above complete $40/mo. Loss of DL for at least 90 days. About $300 to reinstate and carry SR-22 insurance for 3yrs($70/mo).. Those are what I had. Don't even ask what my 2nd cost me. 
Edit: Time served(don't tell him this..let him sweat it.) as long as all things are completed blah,legal word,thing..
Edit: Time served(don't tell him this..let him sweat it.) as long as all things are completed blah,legal word,thing..
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Angrymarble....I am giving you a head's up that most marriage counselors won't see a couple until the drinking is taken care of.....as it is a waste of time for an alcoholic who is still drinking. (cutting down is not good enough). For an alcoholic, it has to be total abstainence.
If he wants a therapist for himself...well, that is up to him....
I think that wanting to go to a therapist, RATHER than AA, is often a way to get others off their back and avoid AA. And, it ususally works...lol....because the spouse is so desperate to hear that they will do something that they are delighted to hear the word "therapy"....Many times, the alcoholic will not be honest with the therapist about the drinking....and, lots of therapists get the wool pulled over their eyes.
I am not being critical of therapy, in itself...and it is great, IF combined with AA for the alcoholic....
But, be wary of excuses to avoid AA...which is what he will need if he is ready to commit himself to genuine, lifelong sobriety.....
Attending an AA meeting, here or there will not do it. It has to be working a vigorous program, getting a sponsor and working all of the 12 steps. It requires a lifelong change.....
The dui may or may not be the wake-up call for him that alcohol is ruining hi life....
Lol...I used to teach du I classes...and I live in a community where much of the population has h ad dui's ....and, most of the people who are required to attend those classes, do not quit drinking permanently. Most do "jump through the hoops" while they are in the dui program (they have to), but return to drinking after the program is over...Please be aware of this stuff!
Now, most dui programs require that they attend a few AA meetings while in the program...to introduce them....but, the person has to be ready for total sobriety for them to grab hold off it...
I am telling you this because it is important that you know what you are up against....for your own protection...
The best thing that you can do, is to begin to go to alanon, for yourself....as you are going to need the support...
I am going to give you the following link to an article that is a pretty good yard stick to know where he is at, in terms of sobriety.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
If he wants a therapist for himself...well, that is up to him....
I think that wanting to go to a therapist, RATHER than AA, is often a way to get others off their back and avoid AA. And, it ususally works...lol....because the spouse is so desperate to hear that they will do something that they are delighted to hear the word "therapy"....Many times, the alcoholic will not be honest with the therapist about the drinking....and, lots of therapists get the wool pulled over their eyes.
I am not being critical of therapy, in itself...and it is great, IF combined with AA for the alcoholic....
But, be wary of excuses to avoid AA...which is what he will need if he is ready to commit himself to genuine, lifelong sobriety.....
Attending an AA meeting, here or there will not do it. It has to be working a vigorous program, getting a sponsor and working all of the 12 steps. It requires a lifelong change.....
The dui may or may not be the wake-up call for him that alcohol is ruining hi life....
Lol...I used to teach du I classes...and I live in a community where much of the population has h ad dui's ....and, most of the people who are required to attend those classes, do not quit drinking permanently. Most do "jump through the hoops" while they are in the dui program (they have to), but return to drinking after the program is over...Please be aware of this stuff!
Now, most dui programs require that they attend a few AA meetings while in the program...to introduce them....but, the person has to be ready for total sobriety for them to grab hold off it...
I am telling you this because it is important that you know what you are up against....for your own protection...
The best thing that you can do, is to begin to go to alanon, for yourself....as you are going to need the support...
I am going to give you the following link to an article that is a pretty good yard stick to know where he is at, in terms of sobriety.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Angrymarble....it would be a good idea to go back and read your first thread.....(you can click on your avatar...and, then select "threads" from the drop down list).
You said, at that time, that you weren't ready to detach.....but, I am not sure that you know what detachment, as it is used here, really means. It means to disentangle yourself from the alcoholic's disease...mentally and emotionally...so that the responsibility for his recovery is on his shoulders...not yours. To give yourself some mental space to think more clearly.....
You can't control him, and what goes on in his head....
I know that you are probably desperate to save the marriage, and you think that you can do that yourself....but, it takes 2 to save a marriage....
Alcoholism (addictions) and abuse are real deal breakers in any relationship....
I hope that you are reading the list of articles that I gave you the link to, in my first p ost, in your first thread...as there is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power....
also, the book--"Co-Dependent No More" is practically a bible, here in these parts...lol....you can get a cheap, used copy on amazon.com or get it on loan from the library.....it is a good read and it will definitely resound with you, I think....I highly suggest that it be the first book that you read.....
You are going to need to be working your own recovery oprogram as much as he is on his....with alanon, the articles in the link, and the " Co-Dependent No More" book.....
Living with alcoholism does a job on everyone...the alcoholic and the ones that love them....
You said, at that time, that you weren't ready to detach.....but, I am not sure that you know what detachment, as it is used here, really means. It means to disentangle yourself from the alcoholic's disease...mentally and emotionally...so that the responsibility for his recovery is on his shoulders...not yours. To give yourself some mental space to think more clearly.....
You can't control him, and what goes on in his head....
I know that you are probably desperate to save the marriage, and you think that you can do that yourself....but, it takes 2 to save a marriage....
Alcoholism (addictions) and abuse are real deal breakers in any relationship....
I hope that you are reading the list of articles that I gave you the link to, in my first p ost, in your first thread...as there is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power....
also, the book--"Co-Dependent No More" is practically a bible, here in these parts...lol....you can get a cheap, used copy on amazon.com or get it on loan from the library.....it is a good read and it will definitely resound with you, I think....I highly suggest that it be the first book that you read.....
You are going to need to be working your own recovery oprogram as much as he is on his....with alanon, the articles in the link, and the " Co-Dependent No More" book.....
Living with alcoholism does a job on everyone...the alcoholic and the ones that love them....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Angrymarble....I am giving you a head's up that most marriage counselors won't see a couple until the drinking is taken care of.....as it is a waste of time for an alcoholic who is still drinking. (cutting down is not good enough). For an alcoholic, it has to be total abstainence.
If he wants a therapist for himself...well, that is up to him....
I think that wanting to go to a therapist, RATHER than AA, is often a way to get others off their back and avoid AA. And, it ususally works...lol....because the spouse is so desperate to hear that they will do something that they are delighted to hear the word "therapy"....Many times, the alcoholic will not be honest with the therapist about the drinking....and, lots of therapists get the wool pulled over their eyes.
I am not being critical of therapy, in itself...and it is great, IF combined with AA for the alcoholic....
But, be wary of excuses to avoid AA...which is what he will need if he is ready to commit himself to genuine, lifelong sobriety.....
Attending an AA meeting, here or there will not do it. It has to be working a vigorous program, getting a sponsor and working all of the 12 steps. It requires a lifelong change.....
The dui may or may not be the wake-up call for him that alcohol is ruining hi life....
Lol...I used to teach du I classes...and I live in a community where much of the population has h ad dui's ....and, most of the people who are required to attend those classes, do not quit drinking permanently. Most do "jump through the hoops" while they are in the dui program (they have to), but return to drinking after the program is over...Please be aware of this stuff!
Now, most dui programs require that they attend a few AA meetings while in the program...to introduce them....but, the person has to be ready for total sobriety for them to grab hold off it...
I am telling you this because it is important that you know what you are up against....for your own protection...
The best thing that you can do, is to begin to go to alanon, for yourself....as you are going to need the support...
I am going to give you the following link to an article that is a pretty good yard stick to know where he is at, in terms of sobriety.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
If he wants a therapist for himself...well, that is up to him....
I think that wanting to go to a therapist, RATHER than AA, is often a way to get others off their back and avoid AA. And, it ususally works...lol....because the spouse is so desperate to hear that they will do something that they are delighted to hear the word "therapy"....Many times, the alcoholic will not be honest with the therapist about the drinking....and, lots of therapists get the wool pulled over their eyes.
I am not being critical of therapy, in itself...and it is great, IF combined with AA for the alcoholic....
But, be wary of excuses to avoid AA...which is what he will need if he is ready to commit himself to genuine, lifelong sobriety.....
Attending an AA meeting, here or there will not do it. It has to be working a vigorous program, getting a sponsor and working all of the 12 steps. It requires a lifelong change.....
The dui may or may not be the wake-up call for him that alcohol is ruining hi life....
Lol...I used to teach du I classes...and I live in a community where much of the population has h ad dui's ....and, most of the people who are required to attend those classes, do not quit drinking permanently. Most do "jump through the hoops" while they are in the dui program (they have to), but return to drinking after the program is over...Please be aware of this stuff!
Now, most dui programs require that they attend a few AA meetings while in the program...to introduce them....but, the person has to be ready for total sobriety for them to grab hold off it...
I am telling you this because it is important that you know what you are up against....for your own protection...
The best thing that you can do, is to begin to go to alanon, for yourself....as you are going to need the support...
I am going to give you the following link to an article that is a pretty good yard stick to know where he is at, in terms of sobriety.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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^^^^^^YES. LOl...so many of the people in the dui classes, say the same thing as
DontRemember describes.....that the stress form the dui makes them want to drink more....many go from the dui class to the bar, afterwards...
For most non-alcoholics...when a problems occur...they think..."What can I do to correct this?"......For the typical alcoholic who is not in recovery...they think..."I want to have a drink so that I will feel better...now."....it is how they cope with feelings...good or bad ones....
DontRemember describes.....that the stress form the dui makes them want to drink more....many go from the dui class to the bar, afterwards...
For most non-alcoholics...when a problems occur...they think..."What can I do to correct this?"......For the typical alcoholic who is not in recovery...they think..."I want to have a drink so that I will feel better...now."....it is how they cope with feelings...good or bad ones....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
^^^^^^YES. LOl...so many of the people in the dui classes, say the same thing as
DontRemember describes.....that the stress form the dui makes them want to drink more....many go from the dui class to the bar, afterwards...
For most non-alcoholics...when a problems occur...they think..."What can I do to correct this?"......For the typical alcoholic who is not in recovery...they think..."I want to have a drink so that I will feel better...now."....it is how they cope with feelings...good or bad ones....
DontRemember describes.....that the stress form the dui makes them want to drink more....many go from the dui class to the bar, afterwards...
For most non-alcoholics...when a problems occur...they think..."What can I do to correct this?"......For the typical alcoholic who is not in recovery...they think..."I want to have a drink so that I will feel better...now."....it is how they cope with feelings...good or bad ones....
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AM, be very careful about assuming what his 'rock bottom' might be. For most of us, if we ever saw one at all, it was a LOT lower than what we expected.
The more important thing is determining YOUR rock bottom.
The more important thing is determining YOUR rock bottom.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
AM, be very careful about assuming what his 'rock bottom' might be. For most of us, if we ever saw one at all, it was a LOT lower than what we expected.
The more important thing is determining YOUR rock bottom.
The more important thing is determining YOUR rock bottom.
My rock bottom keeps moving... call it co dependcy @ I’m just trying to keep my kids happy.
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Kids aren't "happy" growing up with an alcoholic parent
no matter what face they present to you, or to the world.
Stable, safe, predictable home environments are what makes kids happy.
Not a drunk parent, and an angry upset parent whose attention constantly
has to be focused on taking care of the drunk parent's issues.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I love my alcoholic mother,
but I also ended up with many deep-seated trust issues,
and learned that alcohol was an "escape".
I became an alcoholic and also formed relationships with alcoholics
guess where I learned / witnessed all of the above?
I'm so sorry for your pain, and I do hope this is his rock bottom
but I really don't think it is, based on your past threads and my own life.
Protect yourself and your kids.
He's scared now, but that may not last very long.
no matter what face they present to you, or to the world.
Stable, safe, predictable home environments are what makes kids happy.
Not a drunk parent, and an angry upset parent whose attention constantly
has to be focused on taking care of the drunk parent's issues.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I love my alcoholic mother,
but I also ended up with many deep-seated trust issues,
and learned that alcohol was an "escape".
I became an alcoholic and also formed relationships with alcoholics
guess where I learned / witnessed all of the above?
I'm so sorry for your pain, and I do hope this is his rock bottom
but I really don't think it is, based on your past threads and my own life.
Protect yourself and your kids.
He's scared now, but that may not last very long.
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I grew up with one alcoholic parent and one codependent one and I have to tell you, it messed me up in ways that I didn't even realize until years and years down the road. Hawkeye sums it up pretty well.
Mom was always focused on her addiction and her own unhappiness. Dad was always focused on Mom, covering up and fixing and ameliorating to no effect but to make it feel like he was doing something useful.
Neither one of them had anything left over to worry about what was best for us, the three kids who did not ask to be brought into that household and who had no agency over our own lives. We were drawn into the drama of codependency by the time we were five, and just thought that was how relationships worked.
Mom was always focused on her addiction and her own unhappiness. Dad was always focused on Mom, covering up and fixing and ameliorating to no effect but to make it feel like he was doing something useful.
Neither one of them had anything left over to worry about what was best for us, the three kids who did not ask to be brought into that household and who had no agency over our own lives. We were drawn into the drama of codependency by the time we were five, and just thought that was how relationships worked.
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
Sorry..Just skimmed your other thread. I'd legally divorce him to protect yourself from any future legal backlash from his behavior. If a grown man that just drove himself home is pissing himself...That's out of control and no telling what's next. Protect yourself and the kids..emotionally,financially,ect.. at all costs!
∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆
Yes! A thousand times!
I hope you will
Listen and learn and follow the Wisdom you are given in this thread.
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Posts: 5,103
From your very first post……..
What other choice do you have then to accept that your husband is an alcoholic who really isn’t ready to stop drinking.
From your very first post……….
Are you also an alcoholic? If not, why would YOU go see someone who specializes in alcoholism? That’s would be like YOU going to see a dentist because your husband has a cavity.
Saturday he drank too much while watching our children. Monday I told him I had seen a lawyer and wanted a post nuptial agreement. Since Monday he’s been trying to get a marriage counselor for us, a therapist for him. Well, tonight he got a dui.
So his response to your telling him you saw a lawyer was to use words of getting a marriage counselor for US – even though the alcoholism is his alone to own. And his words of getting himself a therapist changed YOUR outlook on things, at least for a bit until reality took center stage once again, the DUI.
Anyone serious about getting sober does it, they take themselves to a detox, a rehab, AA they take immediate action they don’t just talk about it or pretend to make some phone calls.
Thinking this is his rock bottom would be setting yourself up for disappointing expectations.
Alcoholism is lifelong.
I’m not ready to detach. To me that means I’ve accepted this.
From your very first post……….
I’m also seeing someone else next week who deals with alcoholism.
Saturday he drank too much while watching our children. Monday I told him I had seen a lawyer and wanted a post nuptial agreement. Since Monday he’s been trying to get a marriage counselor for us, a therapist for him. Well, tonight he got a dui.
So his response to your telling him you saw a lawyer was to use words of getting a marriage counselor for US – even though the alcoholism is his alone to own. And his words of getting himself a therapist changed YOUR outlook on things, at least for a bit until reality took center stage once again, the DUI.
Anyone serious about getting sober does it, they take themselves to a detox, a rehab, AA they take immediate action they don’t just talk about it or pretend to make some phone calls.
Thinking this is his rock bottom would be setting yourself up for disappointing expectations.
Alcoholism is lifelong.
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When you mentioned trying to keep your kids happy, it reminded me of what I say when we take pictures together of our family --"We are a happy family." As a mom, you are just protective of your kids. Right now, I cannot have a serious discussion with my kids about their father being a recovering alcoholic. My kids were younger when their father got his 2nd DUI, and it was like "Daddy got a timeout." It was like Sesame Street. My kids are 5 and 7 years old now.
Alcoholism is a double edge sword with your marriage. You want to show your kids that you can get through things and become better people. Just know your limits and boundaries. And part of you is angry and wants to run like heck.
Take care of yourself first. Do not feel like you have to fix everything that he has done. Sometimes you need to let them stay in jail or if they call you in the middle of the night asking them to come rescue them-you are on your own. The only time when I made exceptions was more when I was his only ride to begin with and our kids were there.
The books Getting Them Sober Volume I and IV helped me understand how to set better boundaries. I did leave my husband twice and file for divorce twice. I reached my limit. And both divorces timed out.
Regarding divorce with kids, it was not an easy situation. I decided that I did not want to spend money on a lawyer unless I had a really good case to get custody of our kids. What actually ended up happening is that we moved our kids to the inlaws so that our kids could have a more stable environment. My husband got sober after his 2nd DUI. He took care of the kids along with his parents. Keep in mind that courts view it that more positive things that he does the more time he gets with his kids. The more negative things that he does the less time he gets with his kids. It is a double edge sword because when you are in a parenting agreement, you are following that plan. If your husband relapses, you are not there because you are in a parenting plan.
I was worried that my husband would go after me for spousal and child support and that I would never see my kids. That would have killed me financially.
Our marriage would not have survived if he had not gotten sober. The ignition interlock gave me more ease of mind that the car would not start and put our kids in danger.
I live at the inlaws now and work from home. I see my kids all the time. Divorce was my way of setting a boundary. But if I went down that direction, there was a chance that there would not be a door to come back through. We were not able to find a parenting plan that would work for both of us. We tried mediators. We both love our kids.
You may just want to see the therapist for yourself now. It did not work for us to see a marriage counselor when he was still relapsing. Take care of yourself. That anger is going to be there because alcoholism is a double edge sword.
We are still married and like I said that our marriage would not have survived if he did not get sober.
Alcoholism is a double edge sword with your marriage. You want to show your kids that you can get through things and become better people. Just know your limits and boundaries. And part of you is angry and wants to run like heck.
Take care of yourself first. Do not feel like you have to fix everything that he has done. Sometimes you need to let them stay in jail or if they call you in the middle of the night asking them to come rescue them-you are on your own. The only time when I made exceptions was more when I was his only ride to begin with and our kids were there.
The books Getting Them Sober Volume I and IV helped me understand how to set better boundaries. I did leave my husband twice and file for divorce twice. I reached my limit. And both divorces timed out.
Regarding divorce with kids, it was not an easy situation. I decided that I did not want to spend money on a lawyer unless I had a really good case to get custody of our kids. What actually ended up happening is that we moved our kids to the inlaws so that our kids could have a more stable environment. My husband got sober after his 2nd DUI. He took care of the kids along with his parents. Keep in mind that courts view it that more positive things that he does the more time he gets with his kids. The more negative things that he does the less time he gets with his kids. It is a double edge sword because when you are in a parenting agreement, you are following that plan. If your husband relapses, you are not there because you are in a parenting plan.
I was worried that my husband would go after me for spousal and child support and that I would never see my kids. That would have killed me financially.
Our marriage would not have survived if he had not gotten sober. The ignition interlock gave me more ease of mind that the car would not start and put our kids in danger.
I live at the inlaws now and work from home. I see my kids all the time. Divorce was my way of setting a boundary. But if I went down that direction, there was a chance that there would not be a door to come back through. We were not able to find a parenting plan that would work for both of us. We tried mediators. We both love our kids.
You may just want to see the therapist for yourself now. It did not work for us to see a marriage counselor when he was still relapsing. Take care of yourself. That anger is going to be there because alcoholism is a double edge sword.
We are still married and like I said that our marriage would not have survived if he did not get sober.
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