BBKazz

Hello, I'm very new to this whole thing so bear with me. I'll explain my situation and hopefully others have been in a similar one and can share their experiences. This will be long, sorry.

My boyfriend of just over a year has struggled with alcohol in the past, but has always "stopped on his own" for a while when he felt it was getting to be a problem. We live in separate towns about 2 hrs apart and only really see each other on weekends. I didn't really know he had a problem, other than noticing him drinking more than I would think would be normal at social gatherings. He never acted differently though, other than maybe talking a little more. He is usually very quiet and reserved. But he never was obnoxious or rude to anyone. We have had about six months all in all when he wasn't drinking. About two-three at a time, and then he'd drink at a social event and fall back into daily drinking for a few months. Rinse. Repeat.

We have talked about moving in together (which is complicated due to our current jobs and residences being in different cities) but we haven't made any concrete steps to make it happen. I have known his drinking was an area of concern, so I have been hesitant about giving up my job or moving (if that's the decision we make) if this is going to be something that dominates the relationship, but I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone, so part of me insists it's worth taking the chance. Since he always seemed to be self-aware and stop when he felt he needed to, I guess I didn't grasp the scope of the problem until last weekend.

Being apart from the person you love is hard. Unfortunately when I can't see him for a while due to my work or other commitments, he sometimes drinks too much, either because he's bored, or goes out with the guys and they are all drinking, or is sad that we can't be together. This weekend was bad though. He didn't sleep and just went on a bender, even throwing some cocaine into the mix (something he hadn't done for years). He immediately realized that he had slipped too far (also admitting to me that he had been drinking daily for about three months at this point) and said he needed to get professional help.

He got in to a 7-day detox program on Tuesday, then they will discuss his options for long term treatment. It is very strange having no contact with him, since we usually talk every day, but I'm really glad he took the initiative to seek help. He was so scared about starting this process, and even more scared of failing. I worry for him as well. I also worry (selfishly) that once he gets out of treatment, he will say he needs to just be alone and get healthy before we can truly "be together". I will continue to support him in any way I can, even if it means staying away for a while, or breaking up altogether (as gut wrenching as that seems). However, I also know that us being apart (and the stress of which one of us was going to give up a great job and move cities to be together) was one of the things that contributed to his drinking, so is it like a catch-22? I guess I'll have to wait and see what he says when he gets out of treatment (I know it's only been a few days. Yes, I am THAT neurotic.) but my brain always comes up with all kinds of different scenarios and I need to get some of it out there, so if you've gotten this far, thank you for reading my long post!!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation where the relationship is still "new-ish" or not fully formed due to distance, so could fall into the category of "don't start a new relationship for a year after you start recovery" but also deep enough emotionally that it really feels like it should be considered an established one and recovery could be something you support the person through as their "rock"? How does that usually play out?

I don't know how any of this works. All comments welcome.

ChloeRose63

Have you looked into attending an Al-Anon meeting so you will have more support and knowledge of what to expect? It would be good to be around people dealing with a similiar situation. They will listen to anything you might be feeling and questioning.

BBKazz

Thank you ChloeRose for your response. I haven't gone to any meetings yet. I live in a very small town and meetings are only held weekly. I missed the last one, so I will definitely attend the next one. I have hesitated in the past because of just how small my town is, and I worried that the "anon" part won't be so "anon", which could complicate my career. I know that this is not about me though, so I will go. Thank you again.

theuncertainty

Hi, BBKazz. It's been a really long time since the relationship with my main qualifier (now AXH) was new, but there was a lot of long-distance when it was. I left state for college; would be back during breaks; he moved to Texas to play rugby; I'd visit. We were young and my friends still "blew off steam" on the weekends, so between that and the distance I didn't notice his drinking was a problem. So I kind of qualify for your similar long-distance relationship, but it's different because AXH still hasn't truly admitted to himself that he has a problem, so IDK.

I heard similar stuff while AXH was in Texas. He'd call, hammered. And it was generally "because I just miss you so much" or the team was out drinking, etc. Really, they were excuses. And while the "I miss you" managed to tug on my heart - as I suspect it does yours - it's basically just a **** excuse. When I'd visit, the team would go on and on about how much he missed me. And on. And on. However. He'd get sloppy drunk while I was visiting, too. "I'm just so happy you're here, TU." It was an excuse. All of it. To justify drinking and to get others to give him a pass for doing it.

A 7-day detox isn't really even the beginning of recovery. Heck. AXH started a 30 day program just before I filed for divorce, and for him, even that wasn't the start of recovery. I guess, I'm kind of saying, you might want to take a deep, deep breath and rein in Hope a little. It's a start. It's good, yes. And it's great that you want to be supportive, but the rock he needs to lean on is himself.

Maudcat

Hi, BBKazz.
Welcome to SR.
It’s a positive thing that your SO is going through detox and, probably, rehab.
That is the beginning of his recovery journey, and it’s a long road.
End of the day, it’s his recovery to make.
I would (also) suggest Al-Anon for empathy and support.
Confidentiality is a cornerstone of the program. Who goes there, and what is said there, stays within the rooms.
Good luck and good thoughts.

dandylion

BB...I am giving you the following link to our extensive library on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There are dozens and dozens of the,...and, I think that if you read them all, you will find a lot of answers to your questions....

dandylion

Here is the link that I prom ised......

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

BBKazz

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts. You're right. I have a lot of learning to do. Thank you for sharing your experiences, for the advice and for the reading links.

My father too was an alcoholic for most of his life; an expert at hiding it until his age caught up with him and he couldn't continue to seem sober. It got pretty messy for a while, but he eventually stopped on his own with no external help. At first there was a lot of denying he had a problem, and dismissive behaviour, even when my mom would threaten to divorce him. What finally did it was my mom found and directed him to this type of forum, and once he saw that the harm he was doing to her and to the family (and we thought to himself, although when he went for a full check-up and tests the doctors said he had no liver damage and no heart problems, which is inexplicable given the amount he was drinking at the time), he finally admitted that he had a problem and just stopped. Just like that. He hasn't had a drink in probably about 10 years now. Seriously. They are both retired and do everything together so there's no way he could get away with it. It's hard for me to believe but we all knew what it was like before and he has not been like that even once since.

Reading all the posts in the "Classic Reading" section is helping me to realize that my dad's recovery story is incredibly rare, and almost no one can "just stop" and never drink again. It's hard to understand that every logical, rational person can't just realize they have a problem and stop immediately but I'll continue to learn while I wait to see how my boyfriend handles the first steps of recovery. I will continue to have hope, though my expectations are not as high as they were at the outset.

Also the "what normies don't know" thread really brought back some of those memories. Some made me laugh, others made me sick. It's very powerful.

Thank you all again! I'd like to continue to share my experiences throughout this journey and it's nice to have a safe place to do so. =)

PeacefulWater12

I also live in a small town where there are very few Al-anon meetings. What has really helped me is listening to Al-anon speakers. There are loads on You Tube.

NYCDoglvr

The American Medical Association classifies alcoholism as a mental illness characterized by an overwhelming compulsion to drink. The psyche of an alcoholic (and a codependent) is denial and rationalization. To try to apply logic to alcoholic thinking (even in recovery) is pointless because it's not a rational disease. What Alanon helped me do is stop projecting and let go of expectations ... a process that, for me, is two steps forward, one step back. He may leave, he may not, it' out of your hands. All we can do is take the actions we need today to take care of ourselves. My sponsor's wise words: "let go or be dragged"

Maudcat

My father was the same way, BB.
He drank all of his working life and into his retirement.
He seemed to lose the taste for it when he was in his 70’s.
He said it just didn’t taste good to him anymore.
I have my own theory, which, since he has been dead for a decade, I can’t prove.
One of my uncles, his bil, had developed cirrhosis, and it was a long, sad, messy death to which my father was a witness.
I think it scared him enough to cause him to cut back and eventually quit drinking.
Or, maybe we don’t know enough about physical and physiological changes as we age with regard to drinking.
Maybe it’s as simple as aging out of drinking.
Just don’t know.
Peace.

BBKazz

Update: Talked to BF today, as he was on a day pass from his detox treatment, which is apparently longer than the original 7 day prognosis, to get some blood work and paperwork done. He will be staying with his mom between detox and a longer treatment, which they are planning during his remaining time at this treatment centre. He says detox has been "horrible" so far, but he has a positive attitude and is still very committed to getting better, and he has even put his job on hold so he can make his recovery a top priority (i.e. longer inpatient treatment). I'm glad he has not adopted a defeatist attitude, since I can't even imagine how hard it must be in these first few days. I hope he can find a program that works for him. I'll be taking care of myself in the mean time and give him the space he needs to heal. Thanks again to everyone for their thoughts and comments. It really does help to know others have been in this position before. =)