CentralOhioDad

Well, last night I moved forward another step - I made an appt. for next month with my lawyer to move forward in the process. Last night it felt freeing, like a weight lifted.

This morning I'm just sad - sad at the loss of what was, sad for all this is going to cost and the emotional rollercoaster to take place, and sad for all the nasty things she will say and do during the process, but more importantly sad for DS who will take this the worst. BUT, I also understand that I need to do this mostly for him, for his future and his well-being. He can't grow up like AW did, in an addicted household, and of course she doesn't think she has a problem. So, I have to be the one to make the change if she can't/won't.

Anyway, just thought I'd let you guys know.

COD

SparkleKitty

It's okay to be sad. It's okay for DS to be sad. You will have each other to help you through this transition, and both of you will emerge stronger because of it.

I wish someone had put the safety and well-being of me and my siblings first at any point during our childhood growing up with an alcoholic mother. This holiday, I will be grateful that there are parents like you out there who are brave enough to break the cycle. Good on ya, COD.

Maudcat

Good for you, COD.
Feels like it’s time.

SmallButMighty

I know how hard this is. I'm so sorry.

I remember my AXH telling, not only me, but both our children and whom ever else would listen to him, that; " This was her idea , this is what she wanted, now she has to live with it!"... casting all blame on to me for our separation and subsequent divorce. Of course no mention of WHY I may have felt leaving was my only real option, wouldn't want to own up to THAT.

It was never what I WANTED!!!! It was what I had to do so I could get myself healthy again and also to be a better example for my children ( even though they didn't see it that way at the time)

What I WANTED was a husband I could trust. You can't trust a drunk.

Nothing about loving an addict is ever simple or easy.

Awesome step forward C.O.D. Proud of your progress. One foot in front of the other, you are definitely getting there!

Challenger2013

It is a freeing step isn’t it?

Hopefully your AW can be civil enough to wait until after the holidays so you can both break the news to your DS. Or you can wait until then to let her know. The important thing is to try to behave as normally as possible for your son.

Maybe, just maybe, this will be the wake up call she needs. For everyone’s sake I hope it is. But I’m too much of a realist to have expected that from my AW.

Good luck and know that our thoughts are with you.

CentralOhioDad

The retaining step is so I know what I need to do, what to expect, etc. I'm sure it will be after the first of the year before she gets served. I want to be as prepared as I possibly can be - though I know I won't know every possible scenario.

The best part is knowing that you guys are always here for me - that is what has gotten me this far already.

atalose

Always remember in court it’s not what you know but what you can prove.

Document everything; pictures are worth a thousand words recordings even better.

It’s never easy coming to often what is often our only choice we can with someone who doesn’t think they have a problem and who continues to drink.

You sound like you are in a much healthier place today and more prepared to handle the emotional weapons she will use.

Sadness is something we can work through and your son has you to help him through that, you have each other.

FireSprite

You've taken a Big Step Dad, I'm happy for you even while I know this is completely bitter-sweet. You've done everything possible within the limits of your control.

I know this sounds crazy - but I'll bet anything that you'll be amazed at how once the initial shock is over, DS actually starts to flourish in ways we can't predict as a natural result of living in less stress & anxiety.... kids energetically recognize "safe" places, IMO.

CentralOhioDad

He's quite the 'momma's boy' though, so it will hit him hard.

Ariesagain

You’re doing the right thing. Just not the easy thing. Your child has known most of his life with his mother drunk and unstable...that is not good.

Maybe be extra alert going into the holidays about her taking him anywhere? It’s a boozathon for too many and your wife wouldn’t be the first to take drinking to an extreme, even without the excuse of an impending divorce.

I hope 2018 is a happy new year for you both.

FireSprite

It will, initially, definitely, no doubt, no minimizing that at ALL.

All I'm saying is that I was shocked at how fast DD was able to reflect our less-stressed household in her behaviors.... especially as time went on & my then-AH's bad behaviors continued & she had some distance from it all instead of living in it 24/7. Daddy's Little Girl started to see the man behind the curtain, so-to-speak..... I think I learned a lot from her about acceptance & moving on, actually!

You're doing everything right COD - you've taken this in logical steps, you've talked with DS's school, etc. You just have to survive the "hell in the hallway" while you're between the old & the new.

firebolt

COD

I can't wait to see how you and DS are doing a year from today. The only way out it through. <3

thousandwords53

COD,

It will feel so much better on the other side of things. Yes there will be tears and emotions all around, but that freeing/weightless feeling will only grow. Your DS will only benefit, and you will as well. Yo got this!

PuzzledHeart

I'm not there every day to see your son interact with your AW, but you should consider that your son may be especially kind to his mom in the hope that she keeps it together. He may have an unarticulated expectation that if he loves his mom just enough then she will be stay "stable". I used to tell my nanny that I loved her so she wouldn't get angry and beat me up (and at the time I said it, I meant it because I didn't know any better).

Wells

Speaking from someone who has been there and had to take the first steps...There will be the sad moments and the moments of regret and even self-doubt, and that's totally natural. Coupled with it also are moments of clarity and peace and serenity from having that level of madness out of your life. You will realize it's not that you stopped loving your AW, or even that your AW stopped loving you or DS. You just ran out of gas in the tank to be able to cope with her behaviors. You tried so hard and stuck it out longer than 99% of the population does.

Come back here and let us know how you are feeling, but know that the rollercoaster is normal especially at this time but does eventually level off.

hopeful4

COD....you will get through this w/your son. I would be prepared to set him up in counseling if he is not already. I think this is a good step for both of you, even if he cannot see that in his young age.

Big hugs.

CentralOhioDad

As every day passes, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction - I feel very little for her anymore, and even though the drinking has lessened over the past week or so, the lousy attitude and snippy moods have not, maybe even gotten worse.

I ask a question - it's not the right tone; I give a compliment - I sound fake.. etc., etc.

D-O-N-E. DS deserves a happy home, not one filled with despise.

COD

lizatola

You deserve a lady who says "thank You" when you pay her a compliment and who pays compliments and gives praise back at you. Criticism itself will kill a relationship, but throw in alcoholism and I'm honestly amazed you have stayed this long. Which is what most people here at SR probably said about me.

when I was ready to pull the plug, I was ready. A friend of mine in program said that I'd file for divorce when I had perfect peace. I kept waffling, I kept hoping things would get better, I kept super busy with my son's schedule and just figured that maybe....just maybe I could continue on like that. But, then one day, I realized it was over. I had peace and I felt nothing for him except sadness. And, then I just knew.

I still grieve my marriage in various ways. My XAH had a sense of humor and sarcasm that I grew to enjoy and I can sometimes hear his funny quips in my head and I can look back with fondness at some of the better memories we shared. And, I also had to let my son navigate his relationship with his father in new ways and I had to let go at times and that was super tough for me. I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to my kid. Anyway, my son will always have to work through crap with his dad. I still struggle with that piece of it, but overall, life is so much better for us. Sending you lots of support and virtual hugs!!!

maia1234

COD,
I am so proud of you. You have been posting since July 2012, 5 1/2 years my friend. You have given her how many chances??? No one says that if she becomes an outstanding citizen that you cant cancel the divorce process or even remarry. This is not a death sentence, you have been living in the death sentence.

It is amazing when after all this time it finally "clicks" and it is even comfortable to talk about your future without axw. Over time we realize that nothing will ever change with us making it "good" for our addicts. Keep seeking support for you and ds. Kids are hearty and with a loving dad, he will be fine. My kids were and so many other kids on this forum. I hate to say but 1/2 the kids parents are divorced so he won't be the "only" one in his class.

Hugs my friend, keep moving forward, even if you are crawling.

CentralOhioDad

So, I went to the site thespruce.com, and poked around a bit. There are links to articles about how to get through the process, how to deal with custody, etc. It scared the crap out of me! Now I'm starting to second-guess myself on this whole process, again.

I know, deep down, that AW grew up in a household with addiction, and it very much F'ed her up, and that is the LAST thing I want for DS. But at the same time, I know how much he loves the two of us, and is sad when one of us is not home.

I know I'm not a strong decision-maker (right, Anvil??) and I just need to jump in with both feet and do this, it's for the greater good. Just not having good feelings about it today.