Alcoholic husband....need advice
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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Alcoholic husband....need advice
Hi everyone. First post for me and I am basically seeking any advice you can give me. My husband is an alcoholic. He won't admit or accept this and therefore is not getting treatment/help for his addiction. It is badly affecting our marriage and I don't know what to do. I have tried talking to him but we just argue. We have two young children and i dont want them to grow up in this environment. I have no idea where to start. What treatment is available, where to seek help etc or whether I should just go (which is what he often tells me to do). Can anyone offer advice or point me in the right direction?
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
I just posted tonight for the first time too.
My position is he’s working on sobriety I will stick by him. If he’s not I’m gone.
I have 3 children and live in a HCOL area. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I will do I in my own. I wish I coul trust that my h will stay sober but I’m almost preparing for him not being able to.
I went to an Al Anon meeting but it’s really hard to go when you are the primary caregiver. I found it helpful.
My position is he’s working on sobriety I will stick by him. If he’s not I’m gone.
I have 3 children and live in a HCOL area. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I will do I in my own. I wish I coul trust that my h will stay sober but I’m almost preparing for him not being able to.
I went to an Al Anon meeting but it’s really hard to go when you are the primary caregiver. I found it helpful.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
Take care of yourself and your kids.
See a therapist. Or a pastor. Someone trained to counsel someone going through a traumatic time.
I’m just learning this myself, but the years of hateful comments one day and over attentive concern the next day is called “abuse”. No one got hit, but it’s emotional abuse. And it causes lasting damage.
See a therapist. Or a pastor. Someone trained to counsel someone going through a traumatic time.
I’m just learning this myself, but the years of hateful comments one day and over attentive concern the next day is called “abuse”. No one got hit, but it’s emotional abuse. And it causes lasting damage.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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Originally Posted by Angrymarble 
I just posted tonight for the first time too.
My position is he’s working on sobriety I will stick by him. If he’s not I’m gone.
I have 3 children and live in a HCOL area. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I will do I in my own. I wish I coul trust that my h will stay sober but I’m almost preparing for him not being able to.
I went to an Al Anon meeting but it’s really hard to go when you are the primary caregiver. I found it helpful.
My position is he’s working on sobriety I will stick by him. If he’s not I’m gone.
I have 3 children and live in a HCOL area. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I will do I in my own. I wish I coul trust that my h will stay sober but I’m almost preparing for him not being able to.
I went to an Al Anon meeting but it’s really hard to go when you are the primary caregiver. I found it helpful.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Challenger2013
Take care of yourself and your kids.
See a therapist. Or a pastor. Someone trained to counsel someone going through a traumatic time.
I’m just learning this myself, but the years of hateful comments one day and over attentive concern the next day is called “abuse”. No one got hit, but it’s emotional abuse. And it causes lasting damage.
See a therapist. Or a pastor. Someone trained to counsel someone going through a traumatic time.
I’m just learning this myself, but the years of hateful comments one day and over attentive concern the next day is called “abuse”. No one got hit, but it’s emotional abuse. And it causes lasting damage.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
kids first. make them your filter, not him. he won't even admit there IS a problem. this means HE doesn't have a problem. YOU do.
put your worry and energy into what will make life best for you and your children. you deserve a calm quiet home, safety and sanity.
put your worry and energy into what will make life best for you and your children. you deserve a calm quiet home, safety and sanity.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Welcome,
You state: "What treatment is available, where to seek help etc or whether I should just go (which is what he often tells me to do). Can anyone offer advice or point me in the right direction?'
Are you talking about yourself or him. As Anvil said, he doesnt have a problem so not sure why you would be seeking help for him. Now if this is help for you there is a lot of help. When I was seeking support during my divorce, I attended to open AA meetings and two alanon meetings a week plus SR every evening for 10 straight months. I was very sick and it took a long time for me to grasp the program, understand it and execute what I needed to do.
You AH (alcoholic husband) is no special snowflake, he is an addict. They all want the same thing, they want to be left alone to drink, in peace. If you can keep living like that, its great. But at some point it becomes unbearable for you and your kids. It only took me 34 years with my addict in my my life to understand that.
Theres lots of help, education is power. In alanon they say not to make any rash decisions for 6 months. Try and hit a therapist if you can, just work on you. Then in time you will have a clearer pix of what you want /need to do.
Keep posting, we are here 24/7. Hugs!!
You state: "What treatment is available, where to seek help etc or whether I should just go (which is what he often tells me to do). Can anyone offer advice or point me in the right direction?'
Are you talking about yourself or him. As Anvil said, he doesnt have a problem so not sure why you would be seeking help for him. Now if this is help for you there is a lot of help. When I was seeking support during my divorce, I attended to open AA meetings and two alanon meetings a week plus SR every evening for 10 straight months. I was very sick and it took a long time for me to grasp the program, understand it and execute what I needed to do.
You AH (alcoholic husband) is no special snowflake, he is an addict. They all want the same thing, they want to be left alone to drink, in peace. If you can keep living like that, its great. But at some point it becomes unbearable for you and your kids. It only took me 34 years with my addict in my my life to understand that.
Theres lots of help, education is power. In alanon they say not to make any rash decisions for 6 months. Try and hit a therapist if you can, just work on you. Then in time you will have a clearer pix of what you want /need to do.
Keep posting, we are here 24/7. Hugs!!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 37
From my experience the fact that he won't admit he has a problem and is telling you to go means he is a long way from admitting he has a problem, let alone addressing the problem. My ex did the exact same thing and when he would tell me to "just go" I would then feel bad for wanting to leave and not sticking by him. Or when he could no longer deny the problem he would promise to change, but that never happened, it just gave me enough hope to stick around. You can find all the treatment programs, there are tons - but if he won't admit he has a problem and is ready to make a serious change, it won't matter. He has to be ready to change, not forced into it.
I did leave eventually and he became out of control with his addiction and was not even close to his rock bottom, it was awful to watch from a distance and would have been even worse to continue to live with. I thought leaving would be THE thing that would make him hit bottom - NOPE.
I don't have the answers of what you should do or what you can live with, but I think if you keep reading on this forum you will find so many stories that will show you what is coming if you stay. It is not pretty and it is devastating to live through.
I do feel like the things I would hear about or read about seemed like there is no way he would ever do that and I just could never imagine that being our situation, but eventually he got there, it is progressive, it will only get worse without serious treatment, sobriety, and recovery. I had to live it to believe it could ever get as bad as I had heard, I hope you don't have to go that route.
Take care of yourself.
I did leave eventually and he became out of control with his addiction and was not even close to his rock bottom, it was awful to watch from a distance and would have been even worse to continue to live with. I thought leaving would be THE thing that would make him hit bottom - NOPE.
I don't have the answers of what you should do or what you can live with, but I think if you keep reading on this forum you will find so many stories that will show you what is coming if you stay. It is not pretty and it is devastating to live through.
I do feel like the things I would hear about or read about seemed like there is no way he would ever do that and I just could never imagine that being our situation, but eventually he got there, it is progressive, it will only get worse without serious treatment, sobriety, and recovery. I had to live it to believe it could ever get as bad as I had heard, I hope you don't have to go that route.
Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dani.....here is a link to our extensive library of our excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....I hope you will take time to read through them...
Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
kids first. make them your filter, not him. he won't even admit there IS a problem. this means HE doesn't have a problem. YOU do.
put your worry and energy into what will make life best for you and your children. you deserve a calm quiet home, safety and sanity.
put your worry and energy into what will make life best for you and your children. you deserve a calm quiet home, safety and sanity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by LostinLB
From my experience the fact that he won't admit he has a problem and is telling you to go means he is a long way from admitting he has a problem, let alone addressing the problem. My ex did the exact same thing and when he would tell me to "just go" I would then feel bad for wanting to leave and not sticking by him. Or when he could no longer deny the problem he would promise to change, but that never happened, it just gave me enough hope to stick around. You can find all the treatment programs, there are tons - but if he won't admit he has a problem and is ready to make a serious change, it won't matter. He has to be ready to change, not forced into it.
I did leave eventually and he became out of control with his addiction and was not even close to his rock bottom, it was awful to watch from a distance and would have been even worse to continue to live with. I thought leaving would be THE thing that would make him hit bottom - NOPE.
I don't have the answers of what you should do or what you can live with, but I think if you keep reading on this forum you will find so many stories that will show you what is coming if you stay. It is not pretty and it is devastating to live through.
I do feel like the things I would hear about or read about seemed like there is no way he would ever do that and I just could never imagine that being our situation, but eventually he got there, it is progressive, it will only get worse without serious treatment, sobriety, and recovery. I had to live it to believe it could ever get as bad as I had heard, I hope you don't have to go that route.
Take care of yourself.
I did leave eventually and he became out of control with his addiction and was not even close to his rock bottom, it was awful to watch from a distance and would have been even worse to continue to live with. I thought leaving would be THE thing that would make him hit bottom - NOPE.
I don't have the answers of what you should do or what you can live with, but I think if you keep reading on this forum you will find so many stories that will show you what is coming if you stay. It is not pretty and it is devastating to live through.
I do feel like the things I would hear about or read about seemed like there is no way he would ever do that and I just could never imagine that being our situation, but eventually he got there, it is progressive, it will only get worse without serious treatment, sobriety, and recovery. I had to live it to believe it could ever get as bad as I had heard, I hope you don't have to go that route.
Take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 10
[QUOTE=dandylion;6689774]Dani.....here is a link to our extensive library of our excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....I hope you will take time to read through...
Thank you! I will definitely have a read now. I have zero understanding of alcoholism etc so this will help a lot.
Thank you! I will definitely have a read now. I have zero understanding of alcoholism etc so this will help a lot.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dani.....Many of the alanon meetings have babysitting available...and, if the kids are old enough you can take them with you...
lol...I don't know what KCOL stands for?
You can, also, call the local domestic abuse organization....and talk to them, confidentially, on the phone. You don't have to be physically hit to be abused, or to be in an abusive situation.
These people are very understanding and not judgemental, at all.
Abuse can be emotional, financial, etc.
They have lots of resources at their fingertips that you may not even be aware of.....
Also. you might want to check out the following website, to organize your thoughts before you go to see a lawyer.....to find out what all of your rights are....
www.womansdivorce.com
lol...I don't know what KCOL stands for?
You can, also, call the local domestic abuse organization....and talk to them, confidentially, on the phone. You don't have to be physically hit to be abused, or to be in an abusive situation.
These people are very understanding and not judgemental, at all.
Abuse can be emotional, financial, etc.
They have lots of resources at their fingertips that you may not even be aware of.....
Also. you might want to check out the following website, to organize your thoughts before you go to see a lawyer.....to find out what all of your rights are....
www.womansdivorce.com
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 10
[QUOTE=dandylion;6689792]Dani.....Many of the alanon meetings have babysitting available...and, if the kids are old enough you can take them with you...
lol...I don't know what KCOL stands for?
You can, also, call the local domestic abuse organization....and talk to them, confidentially, on the phone. You don't have to be physically hit to be abused, or to be in an abusive situation.
These people are very understanding and not judgemental, at all.
Abuse can be emotional, financial, etc.
They have lots of resources at their fingertips that you may not even be aware of.....
Also. you might want to check out the following website, to organize your thoughts before you go to see a lawyer.....to find out what all of your rights are....
Thank you so much. Just read the post about the merry go round. Very interesting read. Maybe I need to check out alanon.
lol...I don't know what KCOL stands for?
You can, also, call the local domestic abuse organization....and talk to them, confidentially, on the phone. You don't have to be physically hit to be abused, or to be in an abusive situation.
These people are very understanding and not judgemental, at all.
Abuse can be emotional, financial, etc.
They have lots of resources at their fingertips that you may not even be aware of.....
Also. you might want to check out the following website, to organize your thoughts before you go to see a lawyer.....to find out what all of your rights are....
Thank you so much. Just read the post about the merry go round. Very interesting read. Maybe I need to check out alanon.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Dani, welcome to SR. It seems like you have an open mind and are willing to learn. Those 2 things will help you so much as you begin to understand where you really are at this moment versus where you thought you were and where you'd like to be.
Wanted to point out that if you find that a particular member's posts really resonate w/you, you can follow that member's story by doing the following: Click on the member's name on the left side of your screen. You'll get a drop-down list offering several options. The one we're interested in for this purpose is "Find all threads started by Member." Using the "find all threads" option, you can find a person's initial post and then follow their progress up to the current time. This can be really helpful in seeing where folks were when they came here and what they've learned along the way.
Wishing you strength and clarity. Hope you continue to both read and post here.
Wanted to point out that if you find that a particular member's posts really resonate w/you, you can follow that member's story by doing the following: Click on the member's name on the left side of your screen. You'll get a drop-down list offering several options. The one we're interested in for this purpose is "Find all threads started by Member." Using the "find all threads" option, you can find a person's initial post and then follow their progress up to the current time. This can be really helpful in seeing where folks were when they came here and what they've learned along the way.
Wishing you strength and clarity. Hope you continue to both read and post here.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Dani, welcome to SR. It seems like you have an open mind and are willing to learn. Those 2 things will help you so much as you begin to understand where you really are at this moment versus where you thought you were and where you'd like to be.
Wanted to point out that if you find that a particular member's posts really resonate w/you, you can follow that member's story by doing the following: Click on the member's name on the left side of your screen. You'll get a drop-down list offering several options. The one we're interested in for this purpose is "Find all threads started by Member." Using the "find all threads" option, you can find a person's initial post and then follow their progress up to the current time. This can be really helpful in seeing where folks were when they came here and what they've learned along the way.
Wishing you strength and clarity. Hope you continue to both read and post here.
Wanted to point out that if you find that a particular member's posts really resonate w/you, you can follow that member's story by doing the following: Click on the member's name on the left side of your screen. You'll get a drop-down list offering several options. The one we're interested in for this purpose is "Find all threads started by Member." Using the "find all threads" option, you can find a person's initial post and then follow their progress up to the current time. This can be really helpful in seeing where folks were when they came here and what they've learned along the way.
Wishing you strength and clarity. Hope you continue to both read and post here.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Danidaydream...I am not sure which "journey" you are talking about (in regard to your children)...?
Can you explain.......please..
Can you explain.......please..
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dani....of course, this is a lot to absorb in a short period of time...and, is bound to be overwhelming.....very understandable....
I think your concerns are very valid....
Take your time...and focus on what is in your and the children's welfare...as that is what you actually have control over....
This, I believe, is the time to learn and to build support for yourself...as you process things....
You will get through this...just as so many others have...and stronger, for it.......
I think your concerns are very valid....
Take your time...and focus on what is in your and the children's welfare...as that is what you actually have control over....
This, I believe, is the time to learn and to build support for yourself...as you process things....
You will get through this...just as so many others have...and stronger, for it.......
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