I need your help with this
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Originally Posted by DontRemember 
I'll say this too.. That's not even an attempt at decent manipulation. I could/would, in the past, re-frame everything that he said to where it made perfect sense..and made you believe me,maybe even partake. Not bragging,but that was just some spewed garbage! Please don't respond.
Edit: I became a selfish P.O.S.. towards my demise. I'm not proud,but...well.
Edit: I became a selfish P.O.S.. towards my demise. I'm not proud,but...well.
I really have nothing to respond to him. He asked me 3 times if I read the email and I said no, I am a little busy and that's that and then he left 4 hours ago and he's not home. Not that I care, but I am sure he is enjoying his sweet sativa. He'll smoke less weed... just not today.
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Originally Posted by Soulful
Actually I don't think it's being a selfish POS. I strive to achieve that emotional level, to be honest and I am actually pretty much there. I do feel sorry for my AH, because through all that crap he said, he really is not a bad guy. Not a bad guy with a fresh haircut. lol See, I am almost there! lol
I really have nothing to respond to him. He asked me 3 times if I read the email and I said no, I am a little busy and that's that and then he left 4 hours ago and he's not home. Not that I care, but I am sure he is enjoying his sweet sativa. He'll smoke less weed... just not today.
I really have nothing to respond to him. He asked me 3 times if I read the email and I said no, I am a little busy and that's that and then he left 4 hours ago and he's not home. Not that I care, but I am sure he is enjoying his sweet sativa. He'll smoke less weed... just not today.
I'll..kinda 'slide' this in here too.. people feeling sorry for me did me no good. It wasn't until I felt sorry for myself and the people that still chose to be around me that I sought help for myself and them. Not a F'n haircut.
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"are you going to respond to my email
sorry I am a little busy
I just want to know if we are working together or not
I just want to know are you leaving Dec 1 or Dec 14
so you want me out, ok, I get the hint, you want to be with someone else..."
I walked away. I have no idea what to even say to that. Even if I said no, it really wouldn't even matter. 21 more days left.
May I ask a question? Why is he like this? Why is he assuming I want to be with another man? It kind of hurts me a little he thinks this way about me. It hurts that he doesn't realize what is going on at all.
sorry I am a little busy
I just want to know if we are working together or not
I just want to know are you leaving Dec 1 or Dec 14
so you want me out, ok, I get the hint, you want to be with someone else..."
I walked away. I have no idea what to even say to that. Even if I said no, it really wouldn't even matter. 21 more days left.
May I ask a question? Why is he like this? Why is he assuming I want to be with another man? It kind of hurts me a little he thinks this way about me. It hurts that he doesn't realize what is going on at all.
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Originally Posted by Soulful
"are you going to respond to my email
sorry I am a little busy
I just want to know if we are working together or not
I just want to know are you leaving Dec 1 or Dec 14
so you want me out, ok, I get the hint, you want to be with someone else..."
I walked away. I have no idea what to even say to that. Even if I said no, it really wouldn't even matter. 21 more days left.
May I ask a question? Why is he like this? Why is he assuming I want to be with another man? It kind of hurts me a little he thinks this way about me. It hurts that he doesn't realize what is going on at all.
sorry I am a little busy
I just want to know if we are working together or not
I just want to know are you leaving Dec 1 or Dec 14
so you want me out, ok, I get the hint, you want to be with someone else..."
I walked away. I have no idea what to even say to that. Even if I said no, it really wouldn't even matter. 21 more days left.
May I ask a question? Why is he like this? Why is he assuming I want to be with another man? It kind of hurts me a little he thinks this way about me. It hurts that he doesn't realize what is going on at all.
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I think they say that to see if you'll admit to that (because they have such a high fear level/negative thought patterns in general.) Basically, fishing.
...and in some cases it's projection. If that's something they have done in the past (cheated) they assume you are doing it.
...and some of them think no one could possibly leave THEM unless it was to jump in with someone else.
Just more delusion.
...and in some cases it's projection. If that's something they have done in the past (cheated) they assume you are doing it.
...and some of them think no one could possibly leave THEM unless it was to jump in with someone else.
Just more delusion.
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But what if I gave him ZERO reasons to think this way? Like zero. All I do is work and take care of my son.
He is creating false accusations I want to be with my business partner (the thought of this makes me so upset and hurt, my business partner is my business mentor and this is such a disrespectful thing for him to say to me).
I am actually looking forward to being alone and rediscovering myself, learning, working on my health, my business, being a better mother. It's so incredibly hurtful for him to say that.
Why can't he see the real truth?
He is creating false accusations I want to be with my business partner (the thought of this makes me so upset and hurt, my business partner is my business mentor and this is such a disrespectful thing for him to say to me).
I am actually looking forward to being alone and rediscovering myself, learning, working on my health, my business, being a better mother. It's so incredibly hurtful for him to say that.
Why can't he see the real truth?
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Originally Posted by Soulful
But what if I gave him ZERO reasons to think this way? Like zero. All I do is work and take care of my son.
He is creating false accusations I want to be with my business partner (the thought of this makes me so upset and hurt, my business partner is my business mentor and this is such a disrespectful thing for him to say to me).
I am actually looking forward to being alone and rediscovering myself, learning, working on my health, my business, being a better mother. It's so incredibly hurtful for him to say that.
Why can't he see the real truth?
He is creating false accusations I want to be with my business partner (the thought of this makes me so upset and hurt, my business partner is my business mentor and this is such a disrespectful thing for him to say to me).
I am actually looking forward to being alone and rediscovering myself, learning, working on my health, my business, being a better mother. It's so incredibly hurtful for him to say that.
Why can't he see the real truth?
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
If he accuses you of wanting to cheat on him, you might stay with him longer just to prove him wrong.
That's an incredibly insightful observation.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Because he doesn't want to acknowledge that his drinking is a real problem, as that might force him to do something about. It's psychologically safer for him to come up with some outlandish story. It doesn't actually matter whether anyone believes the story or not, he just needs it in order to justify continuing with what he's doing.
He really is an addict, eh? I think I struggled with the idea of: "this would not happen to him like that", "there is no way he is an actual addict". Not sure why I didn't want to see the truth before. I suppose that was my denial and I was justifying it with what I said above to keep hoping.
I really get it now, thank you.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
oh but he can and does......deep down. but to admit it is not in his makeup. he cannot admit to fault. nor is he willing to take up the charge to make a change.
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If the problems stem from "she has another man" then they can't possibly stem from "I drink and drug, have no intention of stopping, I cannot be relied on for anything" etc. etc. In other words, it's NOT HIS FAULT, it's yours.
It's utter crap of course. Try not to take it personally. You know what's true and what isn't. I bet he does too but an addict's default position is to blame someone else.
It's utter crap of course. Try not to take it personally. You know what's true and what isn't. I bet he does too but an addict's default position is to blame someone else.
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I'm going to have to go with 53500 on this one. If he can convince his deluded brain that you are leaving because of someone else, then it can't be because of his drinking and drugging, now can it? His addicted brain will try to twist any kernel of truth and create tales that are completely untrue just to keep from having to stop drinking and drugging.
My stepson is very much the same way. Everything is always someone else's fault, and yet the common denominator in all of his problems is, well, him.
My stepson is very much the same way. Everything is always someone else's fault, and yet the common denominator in all of his problems is, well, him.
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Originally Posted by NotAPeach
I know you're super relieved he got his hair cut, though.
Reminds me of when I saw a pic of my XAH on FB, he was drunk at a Karaoke bar. When I confronted him about it his response was "But aren't you proud of me? I sang!". D*&khead 
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Here's what I know... and I often respond to posts by talking about my experience, not because I want to hijack other people's threads, but because the only thing I know is my experience and I think that sharing is useful for healing; if you can commiserate, you feel better together. So here's what I know: he's saying you want another man because... it diverts the blame to you rather than his addiction, it makes him the victim and you the bad guy and he already is an addict because he feels sorry for himself (he's chasing a high, because he feels like crap, so out of self-pity, or entitlement, or selfishness, he started down a path where he made it okay to use a substance until he no longer had any control), he's saying that you want another man because it will make you stay with him longer, thus preserving the status quo and nothing will interrupt his lifestyle... and if you break up and he tells other people about this phantom "other man", they will feel sorry for him and he can groom his next victim (the next poor tool that he's going to live with, sleep with, and whose life his is going to try to ruin due to his lack of accountability.)
So the reason I've come to all those conclusions is that when I finally stated that my boundaries against my ex's drug addiction meant I could not live with him if he were going to continue to be an active addict, and he had to move out, he concocted a variety of outlandish lies about me: that I was abusive and controlling, that I was a narcissist, that I cheated on him (and because I was so isolated in the relationship and the only people I interacted with were shop assistants, that I cheated on him with them!). He attempted to feather and tar every single person who came out to support me in my attempt to get away from his craziness. He said that they were "dangerous" and/or that they were traitors because they betrayed him. I seriously felt that at times, it wasn't him talking anymore. It was a stranger talking, saying these things that were heartbreaking because of how false and damaging they were. However, my ex got to stage 4 of his addiction -- the point where if he didn't have his drugs, he felt as if his life were being threatened because the withdrawals were painful. Any point where he had to be sober for however short a time would only be a countdown to the time that he could use again. It was hard to go out anywhere with him because he just wanted to rush home to get high. You could barely sit through a movie with him -- you couldn't even watch a 30 minute episode of Family Guy with him (and those are short episodes), because he would have to take a break to use.
So I think your husband is talking crap. I think he doesn't want to face the truth. You are currently being an inconvenience to him by demanding he treat you with respect -- the last thing he wants is to worry about how to treat anyone. He has more pressing concerns, like where to get his next dopamine fix before he comes down completely and he finds himself in an emotional craphole.
What LLLisa said... there was a video of my ex drunk at Karaoke. This was a video from before I met him (or maybe it was during the early days of our relationship, but I was unaware that he even drank). I am pretty sure he was drunk or something, because his eyes were so glassy. My ex saw me looking at this video and immediately attempted to get rid of it. There's a lot of shame there. But the only thing he needed to be ashamed of was the fact that he continued to lie about his drugging and drinking and divert ALL responsibility for it to external factors -- other people were at fault, never him. I think that people who take responsibility for their addictions are really brave, decent people. They fight a battle every day. But those people are few and far between, there are millions of cases of addicts who are addicted because they are, frankly, liars.
I know that is harsh but that is what I think. I could be wrong. I could be right. I could be both. I'm definitely changed by my negative experiences, I can tell you that.
I can also say that you're doing something very brave. There are many people who stay in toxic relationships forever, but the few that manage to leave are doing something very brave. Not everyone has to go through this. I still have days where I just want to cry, I have to slip away from people and find a quiet room. However, I would not want to rewind back to when I was waking up 2 or 3 times a night to look for my husband in case he had collapsed somewhere... sometimes, I even walked up and down the neighborhood at 3:00am looking for his body. I would NEVER want to live with that fear again.
Drugs make people crazy. Not everyone comes back from it. Don't worry about saying goodbye because that guy you married is already gone -- just listen to the crap he's saying, it's crazy. Save your emotional energy for your child, who deserves it.
So the reason I've come to all those conclusions is that when I finally stated that my boundaries against my ex's drug addiction meant I could not live with him if he were going to continue to be an active addict, and he had to move out, he concocted a variety of outlandish lies about me: that I was abusive and controlling, that I was a narcissist, that I cheated on him (and because I was so isolated in the relationship and the only people I interacted with were shop assistants, that I cheated on him with them!). He attempted to feather and tar every single person who came out to support me in my attempt to get away from his craziness. He said that they were "dangerous" and/or that they were traitors because they betrayed him. I seriously felt that at times, it wasn't him talking anymore. It was a stranger talking, saying these things that were heartbreaking because of how false and damaging they were. However, my ex got to stage 4 of his addiction -- the point where if he didn't have his drugs, he felt as if his life were being threatened because the withdrawals were painful. Any point where he had to be sober for however short a time would only be a countdown to the time that he could use again. It was hard to go out anywhere with him because he just wanted to rush home to get high. You could barely sit through a movie with him -- you couldn't even watch a 30 minute episode of Family Guy with him (and those are short episodes), because he would have to take a break to use.
So I think your husband is talking crap. I think he doesn't want to face the truth. You are currently being an inconvenience to him by demanding he treat you with respect -- the last thing he wants is to worry about how to treat anyone. He has more pressing concerns, like where to get his next dopamine fix before he comes down completely and he finds himself in an emotional craphole.
What LLLisa said... there was a video of my ex drunk at Karaoke. This was a video from before I met him (or maybe it was during the early days of our relationship, but I was unaware that he even drank). I am pretty sure he was drunk or something, because his eyes were so glassy. My ex saw me looking at this video and immediately attempted to get rid of it. There's a lot of shame there. But the only thing he needed to be ashamed of was the fact that he continued to lie about his drugging and drinking and divert ALL responsibility for it to external factors -- other people were at fault, never him. I think that people who take responsibility for their addictions are really brave, decent people. They fight a battle every day. But those people are few and far between, there are millions of cases of addicts who are addicted because they are, frankly, liars.
I know that is harsh but that is what I think. I could be wrong. I could be right. I could be both. I'm definitely changed by my negative experiences, I can tell you that.
I can also say that you're doing something very brave. There are many people who stay in toxic relationships forever, but the few that manage to leave are doing something very brave. Not everyone has to go through this. I still have days where I just want to cry, I have to slip away from people and find a quiet room. However, I would not want to rewind back to when I was waking up 2 or 3 times a night to look for my husband in case he had collapsed somewhere... sometimes, I even walked up and down the neighborhood at 3:00am looking for his body. I would NEVER want to live with that fear again.
Drugs make people crazy. Not everyone comes back from it. Don't worry about saying goodbye because that guy you married is already gone -- just listen to the crap he's saying, it's crazy. Save your emotional energy for your child, who deserves it.
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" he's saying you want another man because... it diverts the blame to you rather than his addiction, it makes him the victim and you the bad guy "
What OpheliaKatz said is so true. If he's playing offense (blaming you) then he's not playing defense (defending his addiction).
I went through so much of this with my XAH. He would rant and rave because I had been married before. It didn't matter that it was when I was 17 and haven't seen my ex in decades. And also the fact that he had been married twice before didn't matter to him. He simply kept me defending myself and proclaiming my love for him in order to keep the insanity going.
On this Thanksgiving weekend I am so thankful for mustering up the courage years ago to end the relationship.
What OpheliaKatz said is so true. If he's playing offense (blaming you) then he's not playing defense (defending his addiction).
I went through so much of this with my XAH. He would rant and rave because I had been married before. It didn't matter that it was when I was 17 and haven't seen my ex in decades. And also the fact that he had been married twice before didn't matter to him. He simply kept me defending myself and proclaiming my love for him in order to keep the insanity going.
On this Thanksgiving weekend I am so thankful for mustering up the courage years ago to end the relationship.
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