Sasha1972

Last night was a supervised visit - we scheduled 30 minutes of sitting in a food court with Kid interacts with her father. (He has supervised visits with SoberLink monitoring because he's got a history of drunk driving and repeated relapses).

Ex is 28 minutes late with his scheduled pre-visit SoberLink test. I could (according to our agreement) call off the visit, but I decide to go through with it once I finally get a clean test. Maybe this was not the right decision. Kid is pacing the floor with worry once she realizes that her father is late.

We get to the food court. Ex is still late. Fifteen minutes later he shows up. He now has a blonde Mohawk. He's 54. I do not wish to criticize anyone's fashion choices, but this is really not a good look, especially in combination with black Spandex tights, rhinestones and significant alcohol bloat. It cannot be unseen.

Kid and ex go off to one table, I sit at another. After 30 min I say "it's time to go". Kid says she doesn't want to. I say I know she doesn't want to, but she has to. Kid asks ex "do I have to?". Ex just looks sad. Kid says to me "well, I'm not going to walk home with you". I say "that's okay, you know the way, you can go ahead of me".

Ex says "I'll for sure come to your sports event on the weekend!". Kid says "um, you don't have to come, that's okay". Ex says "of course I'll come and I'll bring my buddy!". I imagine I can see wheels turning in Kid's head: my father is going to show up wearing God knows what, with God knows what on his head, and possibly drunk in front of my friends while I'm trying to compete. I'm thinking: I hope he manages to bring the buddy in question, who is not an alcoholic and will probably be able to keep him in line, because I don't want to have to do it.

Kid gets up to go. Ex complains about having to take the long, cold bus ride back to his place so soon after getting to the food court. I think but do not say: yeah, that's what happens when you lose your license after getting arrested for impaired driving. This is profoundly your problem and not mine.

On the way home, I get a text from ex. He says his cell phone didn't work "because of public transit" so he couldn't submit his SoberLink test on time. This is the I've-lost-track-th time that he's had some kind of dubious "phone problem" that has kept him from complying with SoberLink. I respond by repeating that he is out of compliance, giving the time markers that were not followed. What this means is that his period of "compliant use", after which he may "graduate" to unsupervised time with Kid, has just been set back to zero once again.

Kid comes home, slams into her room, glares at me when I try to talk to her, tells me to go away, starts to cry. I try various nondirective, helpful openings to encourage her to talk, but no luck. She is sarcastic and borderline rude when she finally does emerge for dinner.

I am furious at ex for the hundredth time this month for screwing up on the most basic elements of being a parent. All he has to do is blow into a cardboard tube at a pre-arranged time, and he can't even manage to do that. He's off work, unlike me he is not raising a child, he has no other commitments, he has literally nothing else to do.

I am remembering a conversation with my AlAnon sponsor earlier today in which she more or less read me the riot act (which I needed) and said that I needed to start really working the steps, not just showing up at meetings and listening to other people. She said to start by thinking long and hard about Step 1, the "our lives had become unmanageable" one. I'm thinking "this is exactly what 'unmanageable' looks like. I am living it right now with this anger that I can't get rid of and this Kid that I'm so worried about".

So I'm having a Step One moment.

ladyscribbler

I had to look really hard at why I was willing to bend the rules so much for my ex, to let him skate by. I was trying to force him to have a relationship with our son, and he is just not capable of having one at this time.

I had to make sure it didn't look like I was being spiteful by not allowing access, and I walked that line through the final custody hearing. But even after that, once I had black and white guidelines, I kept on giving him chances.

I could have ended DS's visit with him (the first, last, and only one) when DS begged me to come get him. But I thought "No, his ex did the court-ordered alcohol treatment program so he could have this visit. I really need to give them a chance to bond."

Huge mistake. I tried to make my ex be a parent, and my son is now receiving EMDR therapy for PTSD resulting from the visit. I came to my senses and cancelled last summer when ex contacted me after almost a full year of radio silence and insisted he was coming to pick up DS last June. The court order allows me to cancel a visit or end it early. I just wish I had used it to protect DS instead of trying to control the situation.

Sending huge hugs to you and DD. So sorry you're still having to deal with his bs.

Ariesagain

Well, that blonde mohawk isn’t going to bleach itself, you know...quite the visual!

I remember all too well what being your daughter’s age was like and the idea that my transitioning, lame-wearing, bedazzlered parent might show up in front of my friends would have been utterly terrifying...I was mortified by everything at that age and she may be, too.

BUT her loyalties are so torn at the moment, thanks to the ex, that she can’t criticize him to you...so she gets mad instead.

Utterly exhausting for you. I’m so sorry.

Seren

Awwww....man! Sasha, I'm so sorry. And yes, your ex is certainly not in his right mind.

It's a shame when any parent is more concerned about themselves then about their children, and that is all-too-common among active addicts.

I can't imagine how hard this must be, and can't advise as I have no similar experience. Just keep coming here to vent any time you need, and know that we are behind you!

tomsteve

thats some serious crap. on this:
"this is exactly what 'unmanageable' looks like.
for myself, unmanageable was more than what it looked like. it was also what it felt like.
not being able to control anger( a feeling) was one of the symptoms of unmanageability for me.

mind if i ask why ya havent been working the steps yet?

Soulful

I actually cried reading this. I cried because I KNOW I am definitely going to go through this with my son. The way you described Kid's emotional pain made me cry.

Kid doesn't deserve this. I am really sorry about all this ******* ********. It's ********.

53500

Exactly. He also could've stayed there as long as he wanted to, if that's what would make the bus ride worthwhile. He could shop for more tights. (Sorry, but geez what a visual!)

Ugh, Sasha, I am so sorry you and your daughter have to deal with this. I really applaud you for staying so on top of everything though, giving her time with her dad that is safe and as controlled as possible, and bearing the brunt of her emotions. You're a great mom. She'll understand this eventually.

The anger - well IMO it is justified but still, unproductive and distressful for you, so I truly hope you get some relief there. Sounds like you have a good sponsor.

God bless you both.

Sasha1972

Um, the real answer is "because I'm kind of a chicken about doing some serious self-examination as to the extent damage alcoholism has done to me". It's easier to manage manage manage, function function function, because that's what I know I do well. It's harder to look inward and look at the things I'm maybe not doing so well.

I think my sponsor picked up on this and gave me a sort of kind ultimatum - before we meet again, she wants me to reflect at length on Step One and to come to our meeting with some writing that I've done on what it means to me and how it fits into my life. I think I'm going to be really glad she applied some tough love, even when I didn't really want it.

Sasha1972

THANK YOU everyone. I read all your responses with gratitude. I know no one can "fix" this problem or give me the magic answer, but it really helps to know there are people who can empathize or who have been in very similar situations. I will indeed keep coming here to vent, partly so that I don't obsess about this crap in my face-to-face friendships and relationships.

It has become clear to me that:

1. It would really be a good idea for me to work a program seriously.
2. "One day at a time" is the only way to get through this.

Sasha1972

And an update: as expected, I was getting texts from ex all morning (to which I did not reply) with laborious details about bus schedules, how he only had one hand free so he couldn't do SoberLink, how his phone stopped working unexpectedly, how I am being unnecessarily rigid, etc etc straight out of the "How To Be An Alcoholic" textbook, 2017 edition.

The new element was some blame on Kid - he claims told her "earlier" that he "might be late" doing his SoberLink test, so it's her responsibility to make sure I know. NO times a thousand - his twelve year old daughter is not responsible for organizing his drinking or for relaying messages from him to me.

This is an early indication of what I have been concerned about - that as Kid grows up he's going to try to implicate her in "managing" his addiction and "helping" him live with it. This is exactly what he did with me for years, what he did with ex-wife #2, and what he did with his best friend. No, dude, you do not get to have "partners" or "helpers" who you can deflect blame onto, your alcohol-related messes are entirely and completely of your own doing.

We are STILL in the process of trying to get an updated court order which would give me explicit primary residence with Kid and set out the rules for ex's access in black and white, signed by a judge. Ex's lawyer is throwing up delay after delay, I am pushing and pushing. One day at a time on this as well.

53500

Ugh, that's low. Fortunately she has you to tell her NO, not true, don't buy it. Not at any age. Any communication with you is direct to you or through attorneys.

Hope you get the court order soon.

LLLisa

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read on this support forum! I can just picture him lmao

Good luck Sasha! You sound like you have the strength to get through this sane and with a sense of humor too!!!

honeypig

Sasha, I totally get this. During the time that XAH was faking going to AA meetings, I did nothing for myself. It is him that is the A, it is him w/the problem, not me! And so I let 4 years tick by where nothing changed, and in fact, I could see our relationship going downhill, but where I still did not one damn thing to get to work on myself.

When I finally found out that the AA meetings were a sham and took a look at the REAL state of our finances, it was a smack in the face. However, it was what brought me here to SR and got me into Alanon too. It took a mighty load of fear, desperation and anger to get me moving on my own recovery, b/c like you, it was so much easier and more familiar for me to just keep trying to plug the leaks and keep the sinking ship afloat all on my own.

I think that's why you'll hear program people talk about "G.O.D., the Gift Of Desperation", sometimes. While it's not a pleasant or pretty gift to unwrap, desperation is exactly what was needed to open my eyes, mind and heart to let in some learning and growth.

I hope that, as you struggle through your writing assignment, you start to get those first little flashes of insight that will keep you coming back for more.

tomsteve

i can really relate to that!
something to think about-
It's easier to manage manage manage, function function function, because that's what I know I do well
can you honestly answer to yourself that it truly, honestly is easier? is it easier to keep stuffing all the mental mayhem and have ot keep resurfacing?
how good have ya honestly been at managing whats going on in your head and heart? how good have you honestly been functioning?

fear of the unknown-
who am i under all this garbage? who am i without this garbage?
one great way to find out- COURAGE!
FEAR=
**** Everything And Run
or
Face Everything And Recover.
i guarantee the footwork will be worth it.

something on this:
I know no one can "fix" this problem or give me the magic answer
if the problem needin fixin is you, yes- someone can fix that problem.
that someone is you and theres people to help guide ya on how.

CentralOhioDad

OOOOOH, that sounds so much like me!

BTW: That visual you so painted of his looks was priceless! I know it wasn't funny at the time, but I hope you got some small giggle out of it.

This is the type of crap that I think has been my roadblock in the whole process. You are much stronger than I am. Good for you!

COD

Hangnbyathread

So other than what your ex does to cause your life to be unmanageable, do you have any other areas that make you feel this way?

Lets keep this in perspective. Life with an alcoholic is basically unmanageable because of what they do to cause it. Don't take too much blame where it doesn't belong.

If you weren't dealing with his actions and how they directly affect you would you be having a Step 1 moment?

AnvilheadII

chances are pretty good that if you work the steps you will NOT suddenly discover you are actually a serial killer. the things we THINK we fear are not real......and the steps have a resolution for the stuff we DO find. that's why there are 12 of them.

grab a fresh notebook or your laptop and start writing out Step One. there are many guides. you don't need a sponsor to get started. that's just another mental roadblock. just get busy writing. don't worry about doing it perfect, cuz you won't. in fact just one run thru the steps is really just scratching the surface. it can be quite an exhilerating, freeing experience.

honeypig

Just posting a link to what may be a helpful tool--a free online 12-step workbook. Workbooks in OneNote format for All 12 Steps in English

I really have grown to hate writing by hand--it is far too slow to keep up w/my thoughts, so if you prefer to type, as I do, this might be useful.