Really need insight/validation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2
Really need insight/validation
So a little backstory... My husband and I, both believers, married 12 years, he has history of off and on porn addiction, each time leaving my trust broken. He then switched to smoking hookah, then went to alcohol, which devastated our marriage and shattered my trust the final time. He tried to quit a few times unsuccessfully, then finally when I was about to leave, he stopped and has been sober for almost a year. I have gone to individual counseling, couples' counseling, tried to grow closer in my walk with the Lord, but still I cannot fall back in love with my husband or even think about trying to trust him again. I think this is deeply rooted in that I saw my mother go through this with an addict and saw his relapses which got worse and worse over the years til she finally ended it. That deeply wounded me and I said I would NEVER be with any sort of addict. I didn't realize my husband was when I married him. So here I am completely emotionally checked out, have been for over a year now, even despite trying to "check back in." I keep thinking of how much happier I would be on my own, although I'd be a single parent to 2 young kids. But staying in this marriage is killing me because I cannot bring myself to fall in love with him again, and he is desperately trying to do everything to get me to stay. I want out. Is this wrong? I really want to hear that wanting out is ok, honestly. I don't want to take the chance of a relapse. I just feel so done. But then I feel so much guilt because "think of the kids" and breaking our covenant to God. *sigh*
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Wanting out of your marriage is okay.
Your kids are best served by having a mother who is happy, healthy, and emotionally present. Really, you have gone above and beyond what anyone should expect in trying to make this work. Sometimes things are just over.
We don't do others favors by staying in relationships when we've checked out. I used to be so afraid of breaking up with people that I let relationships linger WAY past their expiration point, for years. I thought I was sparing myself and my boyfriends, but really, I was hurting all of us and wasting time.
Your kids are best served by having a mother who is happy, healthy, and emotionally present. Really, you have gone above and beyond what anyone should expect in trying to make this work. Sometimes things are just over.
We don't do others favors by staying in relationships when we've checked out. I used to be so afraid of breaking up with people that I let relationships linger WAY past their expiration point, for years. I thought I was sparing myself and my boyfriends, but really, I was hurting all of us and wasting time.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SunRises.....I am giving you the following link to our extensive l ibrary of excellent articles about the effects of alcoholism on the family....I hope you will read them.....I believe that it will help you a lot....
Each person has free wi ll and should have right to leave any marriage at any time they decide so---for any reason that matters to them...and, personal unhappiness is a valid reason.
Being in an unhappy home can do a lot of damage to children. Remember what you experienced as a child. I don't think that anyone advocates ending a good marriage....but when one partner is unhappy, and there is addiction in the family....that is not an intact marriage, in my opinion.
To my way of looking at it....not all marriages can or should be "saved".....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Each person has free wi ll and should have right to leave any marriage at any time they decide so---for any reason that matters to them...and, personal unhappiness is a valid reason.
Being in an unhappy home can do a lot of damage to children. Remember what you experienced as a child. I don't think that anyone advocates ending a good marriage....but when one partner is unhappy, and there is addiction in the family....that is not an intact marriage, in my opinion.
To my way of looking at it....not all marriages can or should be "saved".....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Welcome Sunrise. I'm glad you found us and hope you find this to be a supportive site.
I didn't marry my qualifier (qualifier = addict with whom one had/has a relationship) so haven't been in quite your situation.
I didn't marry my qualifier (qualifier = addict with whom one had/has a relationship) so haven't been in quite your situation.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
You should feel happy in your relationship. Your children need parents who are happy with each other. God also needs you to be happy with each other. If you are not happy with each other, there is no marriage. If the trust has been broken too many times, sometimes it can't be regained. This is such a difficult place to be in -- you want it to work, but it won't. I married my addict and unfortunately, I knew I didn't want to. I think I did it because I didn't want to disappoint anyone, including him. I didn't give a thought to if I was going to be happy in the long run. I knew I wanted to be happily married... I just wasn't ready to accept that I had really chosen the wrong man (no matter how much I loved/still love him sometimes... unless I'm angry at all the memories of the things he did). I just didn't want to live with him and his dysfunction.
I won't tell you it's wrong to want out. You don't have to feel responsible for your husband's sobriety. Your feelings are not wrong. It wasn't a "deal" where he agreed to be sober in exchange for the continuation of your marriage -- he has to be sober for himself. He has to love himself enough to let you heal. If you need to separate from him for a time just to heal, to have time for yourself, you should do that and he should be understanding of that. I hope that you can work something out.
I will tell you that after I separated from my AH, I really grew as a person, both emotionally and my career prospects changed. I changed as a person. So while I'm unhappy about being single at my age, I'm grateful for it too because I feel like I have a chance to become a better person. It's been too long since I've been proud of anything I've done.
I won't tell you it's wrong to want out. You don't have to feel responsible for your husband's sobriety. Your feelings are not wrong. It wasn't a "deal" where he agreed to be sober in exchange for the continuation of your marriage -- he has to be sober for himself. He has to love himself enough to let you heal. If you need to separate from him for a time just to heal, to have time for yourself, you should do that and he should be understanding of that. I hope that you can work something out.
I will tell you that after I separated from my AH, I really grew as a person, both emotionally and my career prospects changed. I changed as a person. So while I'm unhappy about being single at my age, I'm grateful for it too because I feel like I have a chance to become a better person. It's been too long since I've been proud of anything I've done.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Hi Sunrise, it is not wrong to want out. You feel what you feel. It's entirely normal to fear relapse and to have lost trust, given your experiences.
I think the vast majority of people who stay in unhappy relationships for the kids, or guilt, or fear and then eventually leave come to regret not leaving sooner. That was my experience.
I am a believer too and don't feel God condemns me for leaving. My ex and I are much happier with our current partners than we were together. The split was rough on my then-teenage kids. I'll always feel sad for causing them pain but they are now happy, successful, and independent adults. My ex and I don't have much contact but what there is, is cordial.
Guilt is a killer and not a reason to remain married, IMO.
I think the vast majority of people who stay in unhappy relationships for the kids, or guilt, or fear and then eventually leave come to regret not leaving sooner. That was my experience.
I am a believer too and don't feel God condemns me for leaving. My ex and I are much happier with our current partners than we were together. The split was rough on my then-teenage kids. I'll always feel sad for causing them pain but they are now happy, successful, and independent adults. My ex and I don't have much contact but what there is, is cordial.
Guilt is a killer and not a reason to remain married, IMO.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it is NOT wrong to listen to your heart and choose a better life for yourself and your children. i would hope the god of your belief does not want anyone to stay miserable instead of choosing light and joy. your husband did not reveal himself in truth - he has switched from addiction to addiction and destroyed your trust and your love.
at least that is my take.
at least that is my take.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant--not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. (Corinthians 3:6).
If your husband is persisting in his addictions, he is not a real partner in marriage. Staying with him might be a marriage "of the letter", but not "of the Spirit". I don't think God intends that we should hold onto the empty forms of relationships if the life and vitality is gone.
I know you say that he's been sober for a long time, but the damage done while he was in active addiction may have been too much. Or it may not - you may find that you are able to regain loving feelings towards him.
Whichever path you take, I think it is not wrong to want out - to value yourself highly enough that you want something better than what you have. Whether that "something else" can be found in your life as a married person or as a single person may not be clear yet, but you don't have to make any decisions immediately.
If your husband is persisting in his addictions, he is not a real partner in marriage. Staying with him might be a marriage "of the letter", but not "of the Spirit". I don't think God intends that we should hold onto the empty forms of relationships if the life and vitality is gone.
I know you say that he's been sober for a long time, but the damage done while he was in active addiction may have been too much. Or it may not - you may find that you are able to regain loving feelings towards him.
Whichever path you take, I think it is not wrong to want out - to value yourself highly enough that you want something better than what you have. Whether that "something else" can be found in your life as a married person or as a single person may not be clear yet, but you don't have to make any decisions immediately.
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