Finally made the decision to break up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 12
Finally made the decision to break up
I told my BF of 3 years that I was breaking up with him and he needed to move out last week. Immediately, he went on a bender instead of discussing the situation with me. When he finally came back, he was, as usual, all shame and tears, promises of doing better.
I packed his stuff while he went on his bender, and I'm waiting for him to find a viable place to move to. I hope that happens this weekend; he's made some progress with that.
He cries every day when I get home, tells me how sorry he is, he can't believe he's still employed and hasn't suffered more major consequences. His hope is to go to therapy and AA (finally) and win me back. I'm not that confident it will happen; there have been many promises of seeking help over this past year that never went anywhere. He does seem different this time since he's losing me, but I have to keep telling myself that words don't mean anything.
But it's so hard. I still love him. He moved in a year and a half ago and that's when I realized he had a true drinking problem, would disappear for long periods of a time... those periods have gotten longer (now multiple days) and now more frequent (at least a couple times a month). He misses work, I've made excuses for missed events to family and friends...and essentially helped hide his problem for him. But I refuse to do it anymore. I've been leaning on friends and family, telling them the truth, and taking a step back to look at me for once.
I'm not really sure where I go from here. I want him to get better for him and this is the only way I see it happening. I don't want him to get so depressed that he harms himself or does something drastic, and that's where I struggle with cutting all contact.
Any advice from someone who has gone through this?
I packed his stuff while he went on his bender, and I'm waiting for him to find a viable place to move to. I hope that happens this weekend; he's made some progress with that.
He cries every day when I get home, tells me how sorry he is, he can't believe he's still employed and hasn't suffered more major consequences. His hope is to go to therapy and AA (finally) and win me back. I'm not that confident it will happen; there have been many promises of seeking help over this past year that never went anywhere. He does seem different this time since he's losing me, but I have to keep telling myself that words don't mean anything.
But it's so hard. I still love him. He moved in a year and a half ago and that's when I realized he had a true drinking problem, would disappear for long periods of a time... those periods have gotten longer (now multiple days) and now more frequent (at least a couple times a month). He misses work, I've made excuses for missed events to family and friends...and essentially helped hide his problem for him. But I refuse to do it anymore. I've been leaning on friends and family, telling them the truth, and taking a step back to look at me for once.
I'm not really sure where I go from here. I want him to get better for him and this is the only way I see it happening. I don't want him to get so depressed that he harms himself or does something drastic, and that's where I struggle with cutting all contact.
Any advice from someone who has gone through this?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I have gone through exactly this. I had finally reached the point where I knew I had to stand my ground and let go, or that I would be dragged down even further and become someone I didn't want to know.
My XABF said all the same things. But he didn't want to quit drinking, he wanted a place to stay. He would say whatever he had to to achieve that goal. But I needed to see ACTIONS, not WORDS.
There is help for him out there if the consequences of his actions get to be overwhelming for him, but you are not that help. If he gets so depressed that he takes dramatic action, he needs to be in the care of professionals and people who have been where he has been. The idea that you are somehow responsible for what he does with his feelings is an illusion, and a manipulative one at that.
Some time and distance from the continual crisis of living with an active addict will give you some perspective. Be patient, and take care of yourself.
My XABF said all the same things. But he didn't want to quit drinking, he wanted a place to stay. He would say whatever he had to to achieve that goal. But I needed to see ACTIONS, not WORDS.
There is help for him out there if the consequences of his actions get to be overwhelming for him, but you are not that help. If he gets so depressed that he takes dramatic action, he needs to be in the care of professionals and people who have been where he has been. The idea that you are somehow responsible for what he does with his feelings is an illusion, and a manipulative one at that.
Some time and distance from the continual crisis of living with an active addict will give you some perspective. Be patient, and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I know exactly how painful of a time this is for you.
You are doing the right things - stick to your guns! Much like the alcoholic....my words became pretty meaningless and my actions were the only thing that meant anything....for either of us.
If he gets sober and does all the hard work, in a year or so, you'll know. No contact is for you, and has nothing to do with him. HUGS to you. It is NOT easy - but is worth every painful step to get out of there!
You are doing the right things - stick to your guns! Much like the alcoholic....my words became pretty meaningless and my actions were the only thing that meant anything....for either of us.
If he gets sober and does all the hard work, in a year or so, you'll know. No contact is for you, and has nothing to do with him. HUGS to you. It is NOT easy - but is worth every painful step to get out of there!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Keepingclarity....here is a link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on loved ones....I hope you will read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, KeepingClarity.
Welcome.
This is hard, but you are being strong.
Stand your ground and, hopefully he will be out this weekend.
Imo, alcohol addicted people will do anything, short of lopping off a limb, and say anything, to stay in their drinking nest.
Sadly, they are unable to do the one thing that we ask: stop drinking..
Don’t buy what he is selling. You have heard this pitch before.
Welcome.
This is hard, but you are being strong.
Stand your ground and, hopefully he will be out this weekend.
Imo, alcohol addicted people will do anything, short of lopping off a limb, and say anything, to stay in their drinking nest.
Sadly, they are unable to do the one thing that we ask: stop drinking..
Don’t buy what he is selling. You have heard this pitch before.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I imagine you have put up with enough "stuff". Move on. He will get sober or not, but it is up to him. Whether or not he is with you will make little or no difference. Maybe you making the break will be the final thing that makes him start moving in the right direction. Really, you can't help him. He has to do this himself. No sense going down with the ship if that is what occurs. The best thing that ever happened to me was a breakup years ago. I was in his shoes.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Tons of people here have went through this same thing.
I am going to be brutally honest. You say it looks like some change possibly b/c he is losing you.
I say he looks desperate b/c he is losing his home, his comfort zone, his enabler. Time will tell, but I will say the best thing you can do is go no contact and let him sort himself out, one way or the other.
Focus on you, and what you can do to bring happiness to your own life.
I am going to be brutally honest. You say it looks like some change possibly b/c he is losing you.
I say he looks desperate b/c he is losing his home, his comfort zone, his enabler. Time will tell, but I will say the best thing you can do is go no contact and let him sort himself out, one way or the other.
Focus on you, and what you can do to bring happiness to your own life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
keep your own motives clear - you are breaking up because you can no longer tolerate his behaviors. and that's it. how HE chooses to react, what HE chooses to do....those things belong to him.
it sounds like you two are still co-habitating...i'm sure he'll keep the waterworks and woe is me stuff going in hopes you won't make him move out and get his own place. as soon as he see that is not working, his tune will change.
please don't see yourself as a carnival prize to be WON or WON back. that's not how real healthy relationships work. that's only in fantasy, romance novels or the movies.
it sounds like you two are still co-habitating...i'm sure he'll keep the waterworks and woe is me stuff going in hopes you won't make him move out and get his own place. as soon as he see that is not working, his tune will change.
please don't see yourself as a carnival prize to be WON or WON back. that's not how real healthy relationships work. that's only in fantasy, romance novels or the movies.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 12
It's at my house -- he's asked me since if I would change my mind, and I've been very clear that I will not. He must move out. He understands/knows Ive given him many,many chances and he hasn't followed through on any of them.
He knows where he's moving now; is working on getting all the stuff he needs to set that up. My patience is running thin though; I don't want to throw him on the street but also don't want this to take forever. I know I'd have every right to push up the deadline more aggressively; I just wouldn't feel right about it. We're sleeping in separate bedrooms and being civil in the meantime.
I'm trying to treat this as full-on breakup - with no anticipation that this would ever work out again. That part is probably the hardest. Shutting off my mind to a "fixed future" -- it's what kept me going along all these years too. That one day, things would be better, but it never got there... it only got worse, unfortunately.
He knows where he's moving now; is working on getting all the stuff he needs to set that up. My patience is running thin though; I don't want to throw him on the street but also don't want this to take forever. I know I'd have every right to push up the deadline more aggressively; I just wouldn't feel right about it. We're sleeping in separate bedrooms and being civil in the meantime.
I'm trying to treat this as full-on breakup - with no anticipation that this would ever work out again. That part is probably the hardest. Shutting off my mind to a "fixed future" -- it's what kept me going along all these years too. That one day, things would be better, but it never got there... it only got worse, unfortunately.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Keepingclarity......it IS harder, since he is living in your place. (technically, it is his legal home...so, lets hope that he doesn't know all of h is rights).
I advise that you establish a certain date....and, just hold strong, until then.
It can help if you make a list, on paper of the worst events in the relationship, and, why it is important th at you reclaim your life. Keep it with you, and read it every time you get weak in the knees.
Do not give into guilt....because saving your own life is the top responsibility that you have......
I advise that you establish a certain date....and, just hold strong, until then.
It can help if you make a list, on paper of the worst events in the relationship, and, why it is important th at you reclaim your life. Keep it with you, and read it every time you get weak in the knees.
Do not give into guilt....because saving your own life is the top responsibility that you have......
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
You are doing all the right things. I wish, when I first found out about my AH's drug use, I had stuck to my boundaries and left him instead of compromising and going for relationships counseling, which did nothing but encourage me to constantly forgive him in order to "save the relationship". If you feel better with no contact, do it. I found that after I decided to have no contact... I started to heal physically from the trauma, although it will take a while yet for me to stop feeling sad. You have no control over if he harms himself or not. You are also not responsible for it if it does happen. You have done all the right things. Stay strong. Look after yourself. It may be that this will be the wake-up call he needs... but that's in his hands, not yours. Stay strong.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I have to comment on this and share my experience.
After my AH left, he moved somewhere where he was able to have a bed... and go off any time he wanted to use drugs in a park or under a bridge. During that time (when he had a place to live), he sent me messages insulting me. It was almost as if he had pretended to love me for over a decade and then his mask fell off and under it was a person who actually despised me. After he was kicked out of that place, he became homeless for a short time, and that's when he started calling and saying he wanted to win me back. He called and cried and screamed and begged, and even said he would end his life and it would be my fault. He called me heartless, cruel, unfeeling... etc. I had to change my phone number. When he finally found another place to stay, (or another person to sponge off) the calls stopped and he was back to being really mean (for no reason... because we aren't even together anymore). The fact that he only started going on about winning me back and getting sober AFTER he had been kicked out of wherever he was staying, really makes me think it was because he needed an enabler. I didn't work out. The second enabler didn't work out. So my guess is he's moved on to a third -- I don't know who it is and don't want to know.
I agree with hopeful4... I am skeptical of change. Except (I hope) my own.
After my AH left, he moved somewhere where he was able to have a bed... and go off any time he wanted to use drugs in a park or under a bridge. During that time (when he had a place to live), he sent me messages insulting me. It was almost as if he had pretended to love me for over a decade and then his mask fell off and under it was a person who actually despised me. After he was kicked out of that place, he became homeless for a short time, and that's when he started calling and saying he wanted to win me back. He called and cried and screamed and begged, and even said he would end his life and it would be my fault. He called me heartless, cruel, unfeeling... etc. I had to change my phone number. When he finally found another place to stay, (or another person to sponge off) the calls stopped and he was back to being really mean (for no reason... because we aren't even together anymore). The fact that he only started going on about winning me back and getting sober AFTER he had been kicked out of wherever he was staying, really makes me think it was because he needed an enabler. I didn't work out. The second enabler didn't work out. So my guess is he's moved on to a third -- I don't know who it is and don't want to know.
I agree with hopeful4... I am skeptical of change. Except (I hope) my own.
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Tons of people here have went through this same thing.
I am going to be brutally honest. You say it looks like some change possibly b/c he is losing you.
I say he looks desperate b/c he is losing his home, his comfort zone, his enabler. Time will tell, but I will say the best thing you can do is go no contact and let him sort himself out, one way or the other.
Focus on you, and what you can do to bring happiness to your own life.
I am going to be brutally honest. You say it looks like some change possibly b/c he is losing you.
I say he looks desperate b/c he is losing his home, his comfort zone, his enabler. Time will tell, but I will say the best thing you can do is go no contact and let him sort himself out, one way or the other.
Focus on you, and what you can do to bring happiness to your own life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 12
Today feels tough. He signed the apt lease, ordered furniture to be delivered on Saturday. That part felt good and resolved.
But when he went shopping, I felt myself getting unreasonably bitter. He actually spent a whole day shopping for everything by himself. When we were together, he would complain if a trip to the grocery store or the mall would take more than 30 mins... so I generally avoided it with him and went by myself, even if it was more inconvenient. Now, he has no problem shopping for a whole day if I'm not there to do it for him -- and I know this is such a ridiculous rant. I WANT him to move out and get everything he needs... it just makes me annoyed that he's perfectly capable and willing to do those things that I previously had to take care of. He was just such a selfish partner.
But when he went shopping, I felt myself getting unreasonably bitter. He actually spent a whole day shopping for everything by himself. When we were together, he would complain if a trip to the grocery store or the mall would take more than 30 mins... so I generally avoided it with him and went by myself, even if it was more inconvenient. Now, he has no problem shopping for a whole day if I'm not there to do it for him -- and I know this is such a ridiculous rant. I WANT him to move out and get everything he needs... it just makes me annoyed that he's perfectly capable and willing to do those things that I previously had to take care of. He was just such a selfish partner.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Keepingtheclarity - Keep moving forward. Channel your frustration about how you used to do everything for him and now he's doing it for himself, as another reason you're making the BEST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE!
The first time I left my STBXAH with our infant child, he went on a 4 day bender! The second/last time I left and filed for divorce, he went on a 10 month bender. Going on benders to deal with tough situations is NOT OK. He is NOT healthy.
You're doing the best thing by ending the relationship. I am proud of you! I wish I did that a long time ago.
The first time I left my STBXAH with our infant child, he went on a 4 day bender! The second/last time I left and filed for divorce, he went on a 10 month bender. Going on benders to deal with tough situations is NOT OK. He is NOT healthy.
You're doing the best thing by ending the relationship. I am proud of you! I wish I did that a long time ago.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
