"More will be revealed" - like a DUI
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"More will be revealed" - like a DUI
I got a call this morning from ex's friend saying that he and another friend were going to attempt an intervention with ex to get him to go back to rehab. Okay, fine, good luck with that.
Then friend accidentally-on-purpose let slip that three weeks ago, ex crashed his car while he was drunk, failed a police breathalyzer, and was taken to the police station from which he was picked up by friend #2. Ex hasn't disclosed that to me or to Kid (or to his lawyer).
The last time I saw him I noticed he was driving an old vehicle ,which he told Kid was because he wanted to sell that vehicle so he was driving it around town with a FOR SALE sign in the window to advertise it. Yes, I know that's kind of weird. I thought maybe his car had been repoed, I did NOT think "car wrecked in drunk driving incident".
Called police, they won't confirm or deny whether an individual has been charged with DUI. They did say that in our jurisdiction, if a driver fails a police breathalyzer charges are automatic (the police don't have the discretion to not charge). Now about to go to the courthouse to stand in line to check the upcoming court dockets, because if ex was charged he should have had a trial date set and that would be evidence.
I am a) really angry; b) kind of expecting this; c) in a weird way glad, because if he really does get charged my case for sole custody gets stronger and at least no innocent party was hurt; d) ticked off with his friend, who has known about this for a couple of weeks, who also knew that Kid was living with me and that ex was contesting custody, yet who somehow didn't think that this information might be important for Kid's safety; e) angry again because this latest escapade will eat up more of my time and money; f) angry a third time because drunk driving is very different from just sitting at home getting hammered, not that that's a great idea either. At this moment in time, FML.
Then friend accidentally-on-purpose let slip that three weeks ago, ex crashed his car while he was drunk, failed a police breathalyzer, and was taken to the police station from which he was picked up by friend #2. Ex hasn't disclosed that to me or to Kid (or to his lawyer).
The last time I saw him I noticed he was driving an old vehicle ,which he told Kid was because he wanted to sell that vehicle so he was driving it around town with a FOR SALE sign in the window to advertise it. Yes, I know that's kind of weird. I thought maybe his car had been repoed, I did NOT think "car wrecked in drunk driving incident".
Called police, they won't confirm or deny whether an individual has been charged with DUI. They did say that in our jurisdiction, if a driver fails a police breathalyzer charges are automatic (the police don't have the discretion to not charge). Now about to go to the courthouse to stand in line to check the upcoming court dockets, because if ex was charged he should have had a trial date set and that would be evidence.
I am a) really angry; b) kind of expecting this; c) in a weird way glad, because if he really does get charged my case for sole custody gets stronger and at least no innocent party was hurt; d) ticked off with his friend, who has known about this for a couple of weeks, who also knew that Kid was living with me and that ex was contesting custody, yet who somehow didn't think that this information might be important for Kid's safety; e) angry again because this latest escapade will eat up more of my time and money; f) angry a third time because drunk driving is very different from just sitting at home getting hammered, not that that's a great idea either. At this moment in time, FML.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Still driving drunk, I see. My grandfather died in a drunk driving accident when I was a small child. The woman who essentially killed him (vehicular manslaughter) showed no remorse. None. Some people, apparently, have no rock bottom (and perhaps no soul).
I really hope your ex doesn't end up killing someone. And I really hope you get the evidence you need to keep him the hell away from your daughter.
I really hope your ex doesn't end up killing someone. And I really hope you get the evidence you need to keep him the hell away from your daughter.
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He is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't he...
First and foremost, I thank all the gods your daughter wasn't with him.
Second, this ought to at least remove any remaining ambivalence you might have about how things need to be structured. It's one thing if he's a jerk...it's another entirely that he's a danger to others, as you said.
Sorry, sweetie. What a mess.
First and foremost, I thank all the gods your daughter wasn't with him.
Second, this ought to at least remove any remaining ambivalence you might have about how things need to be structured. It's one thing if he's a jerk...it's another entirely that he's a danger to others, as you said.
Sorry, sweetie. What a mess.
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One wonders whether your daughter knows.
If he has told her to keep it in the strictest confidence because that's how he plays her.
If part of the reason she has been additionally prickly lately is due to her knowing this--and knowing that you did not know.
If he has told her to keep it in the strictest confidence because that's how he plays her.
If part of the reason she has been additionally prickly lately is due to her knowing this--and knowing that you did not know.
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This info isn't online in my jurisdiction, but I did find ex on the docket of upcoming court dates at the main courthouse. He's charged with two offenses for the same incident and he has a first court date in a couple of weeks (to plead).
Where I live, penalties for drunk driving are pretty severe, even for a first offense (which this technically is but actually is not). When he was arrested, his name should have pulled up the police files on the previous drunk driving incident in May, even though he was not charged, as well as at least two other incidents in the past year in which police were called because of him fighting with ex-wife #2 while drunk.
In my jurisdiction, anyone charged with impaired driving has their license suspended immediately until the criminal charges are resolved, so it looks like since then he's been driving with a suspended license. Smart move.
I don't know what Kid knows. I am not going to tell her at this point - that would be an overshare. If her father ends up going to jail, she'll have to know.
If she does know something already, that might indeed explain why she's been withdrawn and difficult recently, and it would be totally his MO ("you can't tell your mom about this, it's a secret for you and me"). And he would use her as an audience for painting himself as the victim (nobody understands how much stress he's under! And the police acted far outside their mandate, and he's going to file a human rights complaint! which is what he did with the previous drunk driving incident).
I am really hoping that this will be the last straw that makes it obvious to ex and his lawyer that they have no hope of retaining joint custody should this go to court, and that they will agree on consent to me having sole custody. But as my lawyer said "he's still only charged - it would be better if he were actually convicted". I'm getting the feeling that ex would have to go on a shooting spree in broad daylight at the mall and mow down a busload of nuns before I could finally be confident that a judge would say "yes, this person poses a risk to a child and should not have custody".
He hasn't contacted me or Kid for over a week - I only know he's alive because he's instructed his lawyer to write nasty letters to mine about how I am "spitefully and maliciously" obstructing his access to Kid.
Where I live, penalties for drunk driving are pretty severe, even for a first offense (which this technically is but actually is not). When he was arrested, his name should have pulled up the police files on the previous drunk driving incident in May, even though he was not charged, as well as at least two other incidents in the past year in which police were called because of him fighting with ex-wife #2 while drunk.
In my jurisdiction, anyone charged with impaired driving has their license suspended immediately until the criminal charges are resolved, so it looks like since then he's been driving with a suspended license. Smart move.
I don't know what Kid knows. I am not going to tell her at this point - that would be an overshare. If her father ends up going to jail, she'll have to know.
If she does know something already, that might indeed explain why she's been withdrawn and difficult recently, and it would be totally his MO ("you can't tell your mom about this, it's a secret for you and me"). And he would use her as an audience for painting himself as the victim (nobody understands how much stress he's under! And the police acted far outside their mandate, and he's going to file a human rights complaint! which is what he did with the previous drunk driving incident).
I am really hoping that this will be the last straw that makes it obvious to ex and his lawyer that they have no hope of retaining joint custody should this go to court, and that they will agree on consent to me having sole custody. But as my lawyer said "he's still only charged - it would be better if he were actually convicted". I'm getting the feeling that ex would have to go on a shooting spree in broad daylight at the mall and mow down a busload of nuns before I could finally be confident that a judge would say "yes, this person poses a risk to a child and should not have custody".
He hasn't contacted me or Kid for over a week - I only know he's alive because he's instructed his lawyer to write nasty letters to mine about how I am "spitefully and maliciously" obstructing his access to Kid.
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Welp, time will out. Remember that scene in The Wizard of Oz where Toto pulls the curtain off of the booth where the man is manipulating "the wizard"?
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"
I think your ex is going to have a curtain drop pretty soon....
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"
I think your ex is going to have a curtain drop pretty soon....
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[QUOTE=SaveHer;6605437]... My grandfather died in a drunk driving accident when I was a small child. The woman who essentially killed him (vehicular manslaughter) showed no remorse. None /QUOTE]
My father killed someone in a drunk driving accident. It haunted him until he died. I don't know how it would have been received, but he was advised by his lawyer not to contact the victim's family. It was the first thing he thought about every morning, and the last thing he thought about every night.
Not that many folks read papers nowadays, but wouldn't this appear on the police blotter section of a local daily or weekly newspaper?
My father killed someone in a drunk driving accident. It haunted him until he died. I don't know how it would have been received, but he was advised by his lawyer not to contact the victim's family. It was the first thing he thought about every morning, and the last thing he thought about every night.
Not that many folks read papers nowadays, but wouldn't this appear on the police blotter section of a local daily or weekly newspaper?
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Where I live there is a database that you can look up a litigant name on a program and see what charges have been filed. Call the courts and ask if there is such a thing where he lives.
It's not surprising. Sorry friend.
It's not surprising. Sorry friend.
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Well, ex has resurfaced today and wants to see Kid on the weekend. I say it's supervised visits only, please have his proposed supervisor (one of his two friends whom I also trust) contact me directly to make arrangements. He keeps saying "no, but are YOU available on the weekend?". It's dawning on me that ex would rather have me as the supervisor (incredibly awkward and unpleasant for all) than ask his friends. Another damned-if-you-do/don't situation - if I say "no, my boundaries include not hanging around in your presence for longer than necessary, it's up to you to arrange supervision", he'll take that to his lawyer as evidence that I am "withholding" Kid. If I say "okay, I can supervise", then I'm stuck sitting with him and Kid in some godwaful fast food restaurant on the weekend, in my position as the bad cop who says to Kid "okay, visit is over, time to go".
Someone earlier on this thread said that they suspected ex was enjoying having control over me through Kid - because I was bringing Kid to him, waiting while they visited, picking her up, etc. I think I am seeing the same thing again.
Someone earlier on this thread said that they suspected ex was enjoying having control over me through Kid - because I was bringing Kid to him, waiting while they visited, picking her up, etc. I think I am seeing the same thing again.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
Well, ex has resurfaced today and wants to see Kid on the weekend. I say it's supervised visits only, please have his proposed supervisor (one of his two friends whom I also trust) contact me directly to make arrangements. He keeps saying "no, but are YOU available on the weekend?". It's dawning on me that ex would rather have me as the supervisor (incredibly awkward and unpleasant for all) than ask his friends. Another damned-if-you-do/don't situation - if I say "no, my boundaries include not hanging around in your presence for longer than necessary, it's up to you to arrange supervision", he'll take that to his lawyer as evidence that I am "withholding" Kid. If I say "okay, I can supervise", then I'm stuck sitting with him and Kid in some godwaful fast food restaurant on the weekend, in my position as the bad cop who says to Kid "okay, visit is over, time to go".
Someone earlier on this thread said that they suspected ex was enjoying having control over me through Kid - because I was bringing Kid to him, waiting while they visited, picking her up, etc. I think I am seeing the same thing again.
Someone earlier on this thread said that they suspected ex was enjoying having control over me through Kid - because I was bringing Kid to him, waiting while they visited, picking her up, etc. I think I am seeing the same thing again.
You can absolutely enforce that. Plus, you could argue that making you supervise creates a toxic environment for your child which it does.
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Hmmm... Could be a bunch of things. I'm wondering if his friends aren't as willing to serve as supervisors anymore. I'm also wondering if he is accustomed to springing these requests last minute, completely disregarding the fact that they have their own lives to lead. So when they say no, he turns to you because he knows that he can tread on your boundaries.
Besides, if his friends are no longer willing to serve as supervisors, you're going to have to negotiate again so you might as well nip this in the bud sooner rather than later.
Around where I live there are places (usually non-profits) that provide supervised visitations for a fee. In some cases, the services are free for low-income parents. You may want to investigate this as an option.
Besides, if his friends are no longer willing to serve as supervisors, you're going to have to negotiate again so you might as well nip this in the bud sooner rather than later.
Around where I live there are places (usually non-profits) that provide supervised visitations for a fee. In some cases, the services are free for low-income parents. You may want to investigate this as an option.
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Well, what if he had contacted someone else on the list of available supervisors and they could not do it? Would that person be "keeping his child from him" as you say? No....they just couldn't be the supervisor.
So, I don't think that the struggle to supervise visits between your ex and your daughter should be your struggle. It seems to me that if *he* wants to see his daughter and needs a supervisor because of *his* actions then *he* should be the one making those arrangements.
So, I don't think that the struggle to supervise visits between your ex and your daughter should be your struggle. It seems to me that if *he* wants to see his daughter and needs a supervisor because of *his* actions then *he* should be the one making those arrangements.
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Hi, Sasha.
Agree with Seren that you are simply following the agreement that has been made, and if dad wants to see daughter, it is on him to find a supervisor for the visit.
That's the deal, right?
Can't speak to the friends' possible reluctance to supervise, but I think more will be revealed on that front.
You aren't "withholding." You are keeping your child safe.
Something your ex doesn't seem very interested in.
Peace.
Agree with Seren that you are simply following the agreement that has been made, and if dad wants to see daughter, it is on him to find a supervisor for the visit.
That's the deal, right?
Can't speak to the friends' possible reluctance to supervise, but I think more will be revealed on that front.
You aren't "withholding." You are keeping your child safe.
Something your ex doesn't seem very interested in.
Peace.
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I told ex that I will supervise one 30-minute visit per week. Beyond that, if he wants to see Kid he needs to arrange appropriate supervision and have the supervisor contact me directly.
He finally found someone who will supervise a visit tomorrow, but still kept texting me about details. I stopped replying and just dealt with the supervising friend (whom I get along with fine).
Ex's driver's license has been suspended until his criminal charges are resolved, so his options for seeing Kid are becoming more limited. But that is profoundly not my problem.
He finally found someone who will supervise a visit tomorrow, but still kept texting me about details. I stopped replying and just dealt with the supervising friend (whom I get along with fine).
Ex's driver's license has been suspended until his criminal charges are resolved, so his options for seeing Kid are becoming more limited. But that is profoundly not my problem.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
I told ex that I will supervise one 30-minute visit per week. Beyond that, if he wants to see Kid he needs to arrange appropriate supervision and have the supervisor contact me directly.
He finally found someone who will supervise a visit tomorrow, but still kept texting me about details. I stopped replying and just dealt with the supervising friend (whom I get along with fine).
Ex's driver's license has been suspended until his criminal charges are resolved, so his options for seeing Kid are becoming more limited. But that is profoundly not my problem.
He finally found someone who will supervise a visit tomorrow, but still kept texting me about details. I stopped replying and just dealt with the supervising friend (whom I get along with fine).
Ex's driver's license has been suspended until his criminal charges are resolved, so his options for seeing Kid are becoming more limited. But that is profoundly not my problem.
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