Protecting my child
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Protecting my child
Hi all,
I'm looking for some emotional support today as my lawyer is about to file a petition to restrict parenting time of my hopefully soon to be exAH.
I filed for divorce almost a year ago, after an incident where he fell off the wagon while taking care of our infant child when I was not at home. I knew he fell off because when I called home to check in he was drunk and proceeded to pass out with me on the phone. It was absolutely terrifying. I called family immediately to go and get my child who was awake and screaming in the crib, while AH was passed out to the world.
He had been sober about 5 months up until that point. He went to rehab when my child was only a few weeks old. While I have many friends and family that experienced joy in the first days of their child's life, I lived through hell. My AH promised he would be sober for the first few months after the baby was born but he started drinking the night of the birth and pretty much went warp speed, down hill from there. The night we brought the baby home, he drank a bottle of wine and popped a sleeping pill....
There were many nights of this with short breaks, i.e. one night here and there of not drinking. But ultimately, it spiraled so out of control, I feared for my and the baby's safety and left in the middle of the night when he was passed out. He went on a 3 day bender before he agreed to go to rehab, also he was unemployed at the time. It was the second time he lost his job...
My experience when he was at rehab was awful too. As soon as he got there, he would call home saying "I'm not like these people." He pretty much blew off the entire experience, not embracing anything at all and became extremely bitter towards me. Meanwhile, I'm at home with a new baby.
He was sober when he returned but never attended an AA session. I went back to work while he remained unemployed, refusing to get a job to help while he looked for another position in his field. He was a classic dry drunk and often spoke to me about his desire to drink again and that he felt he could really "control it" this time.
I set my boundary that if he chose to drink, I was leaving the relationship...and when he chose to drink the night I left our child in his care, I held firm. There are so many other details about that night and since but this post would be too long.
Since I filed, life has been an emotional roller coaster of mostly downs subjected to emotional abuse from AH and feelings of guilt. Immediately following the incident when he fell off the wagon, I worked with attorney's to ensure he had restricted parenting time. At first, I supervised until that became unbearable and now he can only see our child unsupervised during the day with the use of Soberlink. He continues to fight for "50-50" as well as overnight visits but I know he is still drinking, it's even worse than when we were together. Bottom line, I know what I am doing is the right thing for my child. As the mother, my duty is to protect my child at all costs.
That said, it remains a daily mental struggle to hold the line with my AH. I know he "loves" our child but I know he is incapable of taking care of him while in the throws of his addiction...I know how mad he will be at me when I continue to take action to restrict his time with our child and I am anticipating his reaction and after almost a year, I feel tired.
I guess what I'm looking for in this post is works of encouragement...thank you all in advance.
I'm looking for some emotional support today as my lawyer is about to file a petition to restrict parenting time of my hopefully soon to be exAH.
I filed for divorce almost a year ago, after an incident where he fell off the wagon while taking care of our infant child when I was not at home. I knew he fell off because when I called home to check in he was drunk and proceeded to pass out with me on the phone. It was absolutely terrifying. I called family immediately to go and get my child who was awake and screaming in the crib, while AH was passed out to the world.
He had been sober about 5 months up until that point. He went to rehab when my child was only a few weeks old. While I have many friends and family that experienced joy in the first days of their child's life, I lived through hell. My AH promised he would be sober for the first few months after the baby was born but he started drinking the night of the birth and pretty much went warp speed, down hill from there. The night we brought the baby home, he drank a bottle of wine and popped a sleeping pill....
There were many nights of this with short breaks, i.e. one night here and there of not drinking. But ultimately, it spiraled so out of control, I feared for my and the baby's safety and left in the middle of the night when he was passed out. He went on a 3 day bender before he agreed to go to rehab, also he was unemployed at the time. It was the second time he lost his job...
My experience when he was at rehab was awful too. As soon as he got there, he would call home saying "I'm not like these people." He pretty much blew off the entire experience, not embracing anything at all and became extremely bitter towards me. Meanwhile, I'm at home with a new baby.
He was sober when he returned but never attended an AA session. I went back to work while he remained unemployed, refusing to get a job to help while he looked for another position in his field. He was a classic dry drunk and often spoke to me about his desire to drink again and that he felt he could really "control it" this time.
I set my boundary that if he chose to drink, I was leaving the relationship...and when he chose to drink the night I left our child in his care, I held firm. There are so many other details about that night and since but this post would be too long.
Since I filed, life has been an emotional roller coaster of mostly downs subjected to emotional abuse from AH and feelings of guilt. Immediately following the incident when he fell off the wagon, I worked with attorney's to ensure he had restricted parenting time. At first, I supervised until that became unbearable and now he can only see our child unsupervised during the day with the use of Soberlink. He continues to fight for "50-50" as well as overnight visits but I know he is still drinking, it's even worse than when we were together. Bottom line, I know what I am doing is the right thing for my child. As the mother, my duty is to protect my child at all costs.
That said, it remains a daily mental struggle to hold the line with my AH. I know he "loves" our child but I know he is incapable of taking care of him while in the throws of his addiction...I know how mad he will be at me when I continue to take action to restrict his time with our child and I am anticipating his reaction and after almost a year, I feel tired.
I guess what I'm looking for in this post is works of encouragement...thank you all in advance.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good job in protecting your child Momma! You are definitely doing the right thing. It would only take one time for something really bad to happen. You are going at this with all you have, so that's all you can do. Pray, and keep moving forward one step at a time.
Gentle hugs from one mom to another!
Gentle hugs from one mom to another!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Geeze - you must be exhausted!
Hang in there - there is a light at the end of the tunnel - you'll get there!
I hope you aren't hanging on to any guilt....you did the right things, you are headed the right direction...and all this hard work will pay off in spades for you and your child. (((HUGS))) to you, mama!
Hang in there - there is a light at the end of the tunnel - you'll get there!
I hope you aren't hanging on to any guilt....you did the right things, you are headed the right direction...and all this hard work will pay off in spades for you and your child. (((HUGS))) to you, mama!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
How can you NOT be exhausted, geez! That's a lot to handle along with a new baby & all that comes with him.
You are most definitely doing the right thing, no doubt at all. As hard as it sounds, just try your best to not future-trip too much about what hasn't happened yet & reserve your energy for your needs Right Now. You don't have to know every answer right now, you just need to focus on the next right thing.
You are most definitely doing the right thing, no doubt at all. As hard as it sounds, just try your best to not future-trip too much about what hasn't happened yet & reserve your energy for your needs Right Now. You don't have to know every answer right now, you just need to focus on the next right thing.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html
^^^^^^^^^^......be sure to check out the stickies.....
Here is where you can find them.....(at the top of the main page)
In particular, you can find a wealth of information and encouragement from our collection of articles....from the section, in the stickies , called Classic Readings.
here is a link.....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
^^^^^^^^^^......be sure to check out the stickies.....
Here is where you can find them.....(at the top of the main page)
In particular, you can find a wealth of information and encouragement from our collection of articles....from the section, in the stickies , called Classic Readings.
here is a link.....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by dandylion 
We never know how much courage we really have until courage is the only option.
.....and, it shows up just at the second that we need it.....
.....and, it shows up just at the second that we need it.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BAW......I have found that saying to be so true , in my own life.
There have been so many times that I have been fearful and had awful dread...and, shaking knees (literally)....but, at the split second that I had to act....
Schazam!....courage shows up....
Here is another one...lol....Heros are those who are willing to be afraid 5 minutes longer than everyone else.......
And, one more---Fear is not necessarily fact.....
I have found all of those to be true.
There have been so many times that I have been fearful and had awful dread...and, shaking knees (literally)....but, at the split second that I had to act....
Schazam!....courage shows up....
Here is another one...lol....Heros are those who are willing to be afraid 5 minutes longer than everyone else.......
And, one more---Fear is not necessarily fact.....
I have found all of those to be true.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
You are doing the right thing. It doesn't matter how much he loves his child. He needs to be accountable for his actions or lack thereof concerning his drinking. Alcoholism stinks. It blinds people to the obvious. Let him be angry. Until he gets his s**t together he has nobody to blame but himself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Baw,
I agree with everyone else, protect the child. When you have "time" go to the adult children of alcoholic parents forum on SR. Go and read the horrific stories of adult children reliving their past with a drunk parent. You are doing the best for your child. Maybe this will be his rock bottom, but maybe not.
Our addicts know how to ware us down. They work and work at you. You might need to cut contact from him. Get off social media with him, block is cell and or only use texting or email. Don't answer the phone, let him leave the messages on your voice mail. (You might need the abusive comments later in court. ) haha!!
The abuse is no longer about you when you have a child with an addict. You need to protect them at all costs!! They will thank you when they are older.
Hang in there mom, you are doing great!! Keep posting and asking questions. There is always someone here who has walked in your shoes before you, who will offer up their advice. Hugs, and stay strong!!
I agree with everyone else, protect the child. When you have "time" go to the adult children of alcoholic parents forum on SR. Go and read the horrific stories of adult children reliving their past with a drunk parent. You are doing the best for your child. Maybe this will be his rock bottom, but maybe not.
Our addicts know how to ware us down. They work and work at you. You might need to cut contact from him. Get off social media with him, block is cell and or only use texting or email. Don't answer the phone, let him leave the messages on your voice mail. (You might need the abusive comments later in court. ) haha!!
The abuse is no longer about you when you have a child with an addict. You need to protect them at all costs!! They will thank you when they are older.
Hang in there mom, you are doing great!! Keep posting and asking questions. There is always someone here who has walked in your shoes before you, who will offer up their advice. Hugs, and stay strong!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
THANK YOU! Just knowing others are out there is extremely helpful. I am seeing a therapist and my family and friends are doing their best but knowing there are others who have same/similar experiences makes me feel less alone as I continue to navigate very delicate and volatile circumstances.
My STBXAH has admitted to me that he has a problem is an alcoholic but says that he will never admit it to the courts...luckily for me there is evidence of his time at rehab and even a child and family services indication for the incident with my son when he relapsed.
My child is too young to have a clue what is happening but is always very happy to see "dad." I know there is a long road ahead of me to help my child navigate everything but I am trying to remain focused on my goal which is to provide a stable, healthy, and loving home. Something I would never have been able to do, if I stayed.
I want my child to experience joy which is something I don't think my STBXAH has ever felt. I want to be a happy and stable mom for myself and my child...
I hope there is light at the end of this sewer tunnel I am currently wading through...
Again, thank you to everyone for their words of support and encouragement to keep going.
My STBXAH has admitted to me that he has a problem is an alcoholic but says that he will never admit it to the courts...luckily for me there is evidence of his time at rehab and even a child and family services indication for the incident with my son when he relapsed.
My child is too young to have a clue what is happening but is always very happy to see "dad." I know there is a long road ahead of me to help my child navigate everything but I am trying to remain focused on my goal which is to provide a stable, healthy, and loving home. Something I would never have been able to do, if I stayed.
I want my child to experience joy which is something I don't think my STBXAH has ever felt. I want to be a happy and stable mom for myself and my child...
I hope there is light at the end of this sewer tunnel I am currently wading through...
Again, thank you to everyone for their words of support and encouragement to keep going.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Baw,
You are absolutely right, your child deserves one healthy and happy parent. When you both are in the "sewer" everything stinks!! Good for you for breaking free of his control.
You know what you need to do. Believe in your instincts and don't let him tell you that you are "crazy", because we all know they have the wet brain.
You are going to be fine as long as you don't give in!!
You are absolutely right, your child deserves one healthy and happy parent. When you both are in the "sewer" everything stinks!! Good for you for breaking free of his control.
You know what you need to do. Believe in your instincts and don't let him tell you that you are "crazy", because we all know they have the wet brain.
You are going to be fine as long as you don't give in!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
All - I wanted to give an update that the judge ruled in my favor that my STBXAH will not have any overnight privileges until there is some kind of action that demonstrates he's addressing his alcohol addition! THANK GOD!
He is now saying he doesn't want to see our child as much under those circumstances, aka address his alcohol issues to get overnight privileges, which in itself is so sad. It just shows he has no real interest in our child at all. God help him.
Thank you to everyone who supported me this week!
He is now saying he doesn't want to see our child as much under those circumstances, aka address his alcohol issues to get overnight privileges, which in itself is so sad. It just shows he has no real interest in our child at all. God help him.
Thank you to everyone who supported me this week!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BAW.....I am glad to hear this news. Thanks for letting us know.....
even if he does care about the child....the disease of alcoholism gets in the way of responsibilities to others.....unfortunately, under the demands of the disease, an alcoholic can't even deal with their own welfare.....
even if he does care about the child....the disease of alcoholism gets in the way of responsibilities to others.....unfortunately, under the demands of the disease, an alcoholic can't even deal with their own welfare.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
He is now saying he doesn't want to see our child as much under those circumstances, aka address his alcohol issues to get overnight privileges, which in itself is so sad. It just shows he has no real interest in our child at all. God help him.
Sigh. Breaks my heart. Prayers for you and your little one.
Sigh. Breaks my heart. Prayers for you and your little one.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
what a brave mom you are - that's great taking care of your child & also yourself - our children need us to be the healthiest person we can be.
Please don't take on any of the "unrealistic guilt" about AH not having a relationship with the child - there is always hope that he will get healthy; some of us have seen it happen in those we thought hopeless.
wishing you the best
Please don't take on any of the "unrealistic guilt" about AH not having a relationship with the child - there is always hope that he will get healthy; some of us have seen it happen in those we thought hopeless.
wishing you the best
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by BAW81
He is now saying he doesn't want to see our child as much under those circumstances, aka address his alcohol issues to get overnight privileges, which in itself is so sad. It just shows he has no real interest in our child at all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Midwest
Posts: 96
BAW,
You are a very courageous woman. I love how you are holding the line. Its amazing the strength that shows up when it come to protecting our children. You are doing the best thing for both you and your son.
Take good care of yourself, and thank you for all your helpful posts on my thread. Very appreciated.
TLC
You are a very courageous woman. I love how you are holding the line. Its amazing the strength that shows up when it come to protecting our children. You are doing the best thing for both you and your son.
Take good care of yourself, and thank you for all your helpful posts on my thread. Very appreciated.
TLC
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