Jen!

Where to start, I'm not sure. We've been married for 7 years and I am to the point of going out of my mind. My husband is a BEERaholic, he's so bad he has to have a beer in his hand from the time he gets home from work until he goes to bed at night, he literally passes out on the sofa with a beer in his hand! I have gotten up in the middle of the night or in the morning to use the restroom, only to find **** on the floor!!! This has happened several times, and everytime I confront him, he doesn't believe it or can't remember, then I stopped cleaning it up and saved the throw rugs for him to see. Yes, I've cleaned his **** up off the bathroom floor before. I have also cleaned up spilt beer off our new sofa, which is now not so new thanks to him, and to top it off, I was awakened to a cold wet feeling in the bed about 2 months ago, turns out he fell asleep with a beer in his hand and it spilled all over the bedding and me! I just want to just cry! I don't know how many times we've had the same conversation about his beer drinking. He promises me he'd quit for 2 weeks a few months ago and he lasted 2 days. I have caught him numerous times hiding beer in the garage and in his truck, ah, the empty beer cans in the truck, TONS!! I can tell when he is DRUNK or LIT, and he refuses to believe it, he is like night and day. I don't trust him any more, I think he might be doing something stronger as well, maybe shots of tequilla, I've smelled a few funny things before on his breath. I guess I don't want to feel guilty anymore for feeling the way I do. I sometimes wish he'd go to work and never come home. I slept on the couch last night because he was drunk again, how, I don't know, he use to drink over a TWELVE PACK a night, then switches to tall beer cans to stronger domestic beer. After he failed stopping for 2 weeks, he agreed that he cut down to a 6 pack, this is after I busted him several times hiding it in the garage. I couldn't figure it out, he'd be drunk by 7pm, had a beer in his had all the time, but only 2 gone out of the refridgerator!!! Is there ANYONE out there that can relate to this! Well, it started again, beer not moving out of the fridge, but beer in his hand, after he promised he wouldn't hide beer anymore. WEll, I knew better, because I can tell when he's crossed the drunk line; I started marking his beer cans from the fridge, and it didn't take but 10 minutes and I caught him AGAIN!!!! The beer in his hand, UNMARKED!!!!! He didn't say anything, just got a stupid look on his face like a kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The man is 36 years old!!!!! And I swear there is some mental problems there, he's got some serious temper issues, and he says he never was that way before he met me. But yet he's been to anger management in the past, and he's always drank. And he was in and out of jail MANY times for fighting, before he met me.
Well, I know he was not the right one when I married him, but I thought he'd stop the drinking, blah, blah, blah, and grow up. I stopped the drinking and did the growing up for both of us. I have a 10 year old daughter, luckily not by him, that he is NO father too. Can't even go in to say goodnight to her at night. Yells and screams when him and I fight, but yet, EVERYTHING is MY Fault, and he makes me feel like it is at the end, and I guess that is why I got on here to look for help. Because I don't want to feel guilty for hating him! I love him when he is NOT drinking! He is SO cool! But I can't compete with his beer any longer, I will go crazy if it goes on, I know I will. The man doesn't even brush his teeth but maybe once per week, and he smokes, and I do not smoke. YUCK! Well, now I got to run to pick my daughter up. I run my own business am always on-line. If I figure how to get back in to see if I have a thread going I will. I pray to God someone out there has been through this with the beer husband, it was nice just to type it all out on how I feel, I feel a little stupid like talking to a brick wall, haha. Is anybody there?

Gabe

Hi Jen,
Lots of us here and we understand how you feel.
Just in case you don't already know this, it's not your fault.
That's just his guilt talking.
It's hard to love someone and watch them self-destruct.
There isn't anything you can do to change him.
But there are a lot of things you can do to change how you react to what's going on.
Coming here was a great start.
Hope you stick around.
Gabe

WHYOWHY

Hi -
WOW......OHMYGOD ......AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I think we are married to EXACTLY the same man.....I MEAN IT....
When I read your post...it was like I could have written 90% of it.......
Never found **** on the floor but did find him passed out at the computer a few time..with his face on the desktop......in a puddle of his own drool (beer in hand of course!)

I am pretty new here myself & still don't know how all the technical things work on this site...... But I think If you click on my user name WHYOWHY (I think it is in blue - on the main page)...I think it will take you to a place where you can click on "view all posts started by WHYOWHY"

After reading some of the things I have said here.....you will understand what I mean about your husband & my husband ......

Or....you could just look in the dictionary under the words...."beer" .."liar" ...... " slob" or "immature".
You will find his picture there.....and you can see if he looks anything like YOUR husband (smile)

Let me know if you are succsessful in finding any of my previous posts...I am SO curious to find out what you think!!!!!
If you can't figure it out...I will post again on this thread and try to explain....
:mj

Jen!

I cried the whole time typing my new post, and can't believe I already have replies, they both made me feel good and I even laughed!!! Whyowhy, I will find your threads later this evening, right now I gotta run, before the monster gets home. I can't wait to see your stories, I feel better already just knowing I'm not alone. I really want to get out, and have asked for divorce after divorce, and he changes for a day or two, gets my hopes up, and only brings me back down, every time!
Talk to you later!

Jen!

Thanks so much, I feel better already, even let out a laugh! I think I have found a new home that feels pretty safe!

WHYOWHY

Hi - I went and copied 3 of my posts for you.......just to give you an Idea of what I am going through......

I am sure you have heard of the game "kick the can"
Well...my Alcoholic husband plays a game called "hide the can". (the beer can that is)

This post is titled " If nobody sees me drinking ...then I am not drinking "

My husband is a "closet drinker ". (It took me awhile to figure out what was going on ....but after putting the facts together myself & his confession one rare day when he was actually being honest - I got the story on how he has managed to "stay in the closet these past few years")

What he does is sneak his case of beer into the garage & hide it. He will then quickly guzzle a a six pack (one right after the othe)r & then sneak another one or twwo of the 6-packs upstairs. This "upstairs" beer will be hidden - usually in his closet..or some other stratigically thought out "hiding place" (he can get pretty creative at times) I have found empty beer cans in his laundry basket , in the attic crawl space above the shower. Crushed beer cans stuffed into the tiny space under the couch , in jacket pockets of clothes , inside boots , and my personal favorite ..... last Winter he tossed empty cans out the second floor window - ( I found the pile of cans behind the bushes in the Spring - once the snow had melted).

What gets me is that he thinks because I don't actually see him drink the beer .....then it must not have actually occured & I am crazy for thinking that he is drinking on a regular basis.
I wasted alot of my time searching for those hidden cans.....each time thinking that when I confronted with the "evidence" ...he would finally admit he was drinking most of the time .......it never happened.

The one thing about all this that truely puzzles me....is why he doesn't just bag up the evidence (the next day) and throw it away.
I have 3 different theories.....
1. He subconciously wants to stop drinking ....and wants to be "found ot"
2. This is a power trip & he gets some type of kick out of playing games with my head.
3. He thinks the cans will be worth something in 20 years & he plans to sell them on ebay .


P.S. Last week I made a vow to myself ....never to hunt for his empty cans again.
I am not going to waste my time searching for something that I KNOW is already there.

10- 03 - 2004 Help ..my Husband Is Cheating On Me!
Hi Y'all
This chapter in the "BOOK of MY LIFE" is titled

"THE OTHER WOMAN"

For the last 2 nights (actually 2-3 years on & off) , my AH has been cheating on me.

Here are the reasons why I feel that I can't compete with her:

She is ALWAYS available & he ALWAYS knows where she is.......

I can smell her on him after they have been together & it makes me sick!!!

When he is with her ......She makes him feel strong , funny & powerful......

She ain't much to look at but HE is very attracted to her.......

Sometimes ...when they are together .......he wants me to join them (she is all for it) - but I always refuse

He says he loves ME......but he chooses to spend his time with HER......


Have you guessed who she is....I think you all have met.....
Her name is "ALCOHOL".........and I hate her for what she has done .

------------------------------------------------------------------------
10-05-2004 Why -----

A poem by me....
PART 1 _

It's two in the morning & I started to think
"bout my alcoholic husband & what makes him drink?

He has a nice home ...a son & a wife
he's handsome & smart....is it such a bad life?

Why does he do it...this slow suicide?
What are his demons .....what does he hide?

Is it lack of self worth ? ..is it shame from his past?
Does he fear getting old ? .......is life moving too fast?

I don't Understand him...I've tried & I've tried
I've forgiven (and given) till I'm empty inside

But still ..he keeps drinking no matter what's said
I fear for our future ...and what lies ahead

I don't know how long I can deal with this mess
and the feelings of rage that I try to supress

I want him to realize that life can be fine
Minus the liquor ..the beer & the wine


I want him to know what I go through each week
If things don't change soon ... I'm going to "freak"

PART 2
Read on and ...... maybe you can relate.........


After drinking 12 beers ...He will say without shame
"I feel GREAT - I'm the BEST..it is YOU that's to blame".

"You yell & you nag ....what's a husband to do
Except go hit the bars...and drink up some brew"

"My beer is my friend ....my buddy , my mate
My beer understands me ....to HIM I relate"

"He makes me forget what a big mess I'm making
He tells me "don't give" - Just do all the taking"

"Who cares what you think ..he will say with a smirk.
I don't give a Sh** if I act like a jerk."

"I'll do what I please ....lighten up .....stop your drone
Shut up ..go away ..JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!"

But 10 hours later as he rises from bed.....
He will say to me softley ....."I wish I were dead"

"I'm so sorry I drank ...I won't do it no more.....
I behaved like a jerk....a jackass...a bore"

"I just don't deserve you ..you treat me so good.
I promise to quit ...I WILL ....and I SHOULD!"

"I don't want to lose you my darling .... my pet
So I'm quitting Forever ...on this you can bet!"

"I'll get help , go to meetings & tell you no lies
I won't dissapoint you "........(and for 3 days - he trys)

But then something changes & all that's been said
goes right out the window & lands on its head.

He starts drinking again ..and I'm left on my own
To type late at night...and feel very alone.

BigSis

Hey Jen - did you know there is as much alcohol in one beer as there is in one mixed drink or one glass of wine? So I think your husband qualifies as a full-fledged alcoholic.

All his behaviors are "normal" - for an alcoholic.

You might want to check out an Al-Anon meeting. All the folks there are dealing with persons who are alcoholic or addicted (which technically is the same thing... a drug is a drug is a drug... as is alcohol).

Anyway - they can give you lots of information about the disease of alcoholism (yep - its a disease that you inherit, scientists have even identified a couple of genes for it!).

I can tell you that I've learned it is a chronic (goes on all the time), progressive (it gets worse) disease that affects pyschological (the mind), biological (the body) and social (interaction with others) aspects of the Alcoholic and everyone around him. And I can also tell you that people recover from drugs and alcohol every day... once they decide in their hearts that sobriety is what they want.

And don't be so hard on yourself for picking the wrong guy - I find alcoholics VERY attractive. So many of them are michievious, daring, charming fellahs who know all the right buttons to push and things to say. They just drink too much, and then they make us crazy.

sdp

WHY- I like what you posted. However, you forgot something on "The Other Woman" thread--

"She is legal and relatively inexpensive. She is socially acceptable"

Adultery is a sin. Having a "few drinks with the guys". why, that's "All American"!!!

justired

Hey Jen,

Did you steal my husband?? Jus kiddin. Sorry you are dealing with this junk. That guilt and blame he is putting on you is his stuff. Just because he says something does not make it true. My AH is always trying to turn his stuff back on me. I used to believe I was at fault for the things he did, but through Al Anon, reading, and posting to boards like this one, I learned it was not my fault. His behavior and choices are his. If he chooses to let what I do or say influence his choices, that is his decision. I've also learned that no matter how much I monitor, cry, beg, and threaten, he is going to drink til he is ready to quit (if ever). The only thing I can do is work on myself and learn a different way to cope. Take care of yourself.

justired

Peaches04

Hi Jen...and oh yes, so many of us can relate! My husband used to stop and get a beer everyday on the way home, and drank and drank until time to go to bed, would even stay up later to drink more. We'd go out to dinner and he'd drink there and even if we got home late, like at 11:00 - pop the top again...insane! So, yes we can all relate - I would recommend immediately buying the book "Codependent No More" and then go from there - Alanon and this forum are great! I have kids too, so it's kind of hard for me to make Alanon, but we go see a counselor too.
WHY - I loved your poem - unfortunately, that's the truth!!

Shel

YOU ARE NOT ALONE~ hang in there

jessieandme2003

You girls are clearly all involved with the same man I am married to.

>>> he has to have a beer in his hand
Yup. I actually became embarassed when friends or neighbors would joke about how they'd never seen him without a beer in his hand. I started asking him to not carry it around outside so much.

>>> he literally passes out on the sofa with a beer in his hand
Yup. I even started to recognize the pre-pass-out position and make jokes about it. Reclined, one arm bent up over his head and behind it. The glassy eyes staring at the TV I doubt he saw clearly.

>>> only to find **** on the floor!!!
Yup. Mine has pissed in the hamper, a closet, you name it. Another thing that mad eme nuts is that he'd **** outside in public quite often. Stand by his pickup truck in a parking lot or something. I hated it, it was disgusting.

>>> I was awakened to a cold wet feeling in the bed
I got that beat. I was awakened to a cold wet feeling to only discover he had wet the bed. Happened twice in a two year period.

>>> hiding beer in the garage and in his truck
Yup. During his few stints with sobriety and rheab he admitted they do that so you never really can count. They never want anyone to realize the quantity.

>>> I can tell when he is DRUNK or LIT, and he refuses to believe it
Yup. This one used to make me very mad, actually. His denial was horrible, but then trying to make me doubt my own senses was just beyond aggravating.

>>> I sometimes wish he'd go to work and never come home.
Yup. I used to quietly say at night if it was past midnight and once again he never came home "Please, lord, if its DUI make it DOA. I can't go through it again."

>>> Is there ANYONE out there that can relate to this!
Yup.

>>> Well, I know he was not the right one when I married him, but I thought he'd stop the drinking, blah, blah, blah, and grow up.
Yup, me too. All his friends and I grew up, cut down, started taking on real life and responsibilities. But he just wouldn't.

>>> I have a 10 year old daughter, luckily not by him, that he is NO father too.
Yup. Although mine just turned 11. I feel especially guilty when I realized I could have chosen so much better if I had focused on that I was choosing someone for HER too.

>>> I love him when he is NOT drinking! He is SO cool! But I can't compete with his beer any longer.
Yup. I will never be chosen over the beer.

>>> The man doesn't even brush his teeth
Yup. Mine went through time periods like that, not showering or shaving much, pull on the clothes he took off and piled on the floor the night before.


I hope you find it useful to start to learn that all these aspects of your man are actually aspects of the disease of alcoholism. Because somehow that actually helped me face my whole situation more clearly. I started to separate things out as things being caused by the alcolholism, and stopped taking them personally. That slowly led to accepting those things that I attribute to the disease are the things I didn't cause and can't change.

For me that was the start on the path of recovery from my codependence.

Jen!

I can not believe this! Mine does the same position on the couch too before passing out. And the beer in the hand outside in front of neighbors, oh my God. He would even mow the lawn with a beer in one hand, and mow with the other! Exercise bike, beer in one hand!!!! I don't really know why I go on and put up with it. I guess deep down inside I don't want to give up, but I'm to the point I have to, or I will go nuts. I tried telling him he's making me live a life I don't want to live, and boy, that made him upset, he didn't understand what I meant. It's a never ending cycle, and every cycle gets worse, and I don't know how to get off of that cycle. I can't just leave, I worked so hard to get where we are at financially, but there is nothing else. What does one do?

jessieandme2003

I think the wiser ones here will tell you you don't ned to have your full blown plan all at once. You don't need to know all the answers.

Maybe step one is just what you're doing. For me it was. talking talking talking. Finally talking and reading about it with people who understand.

Get the Codependent No more book, it changed my life.

They told me here to give myself the gift of time. I can make on small decision at a time.

They also told me to picture my life the way I wanted it, and to take steps toward it everyday.

There are all these little things you do and suddenly you find you have shifted your focus form on him to on you. You start seeing YOUR life, YOUR time, and managing it for YOU.

I say thats a great first step, to help yourself shift focus from trying to manage him to trying to manage you.

Hang in there.
Lots if hugs.

Gabe

What does one do?
Well for starters Jen, try taking the focus off of him and what he does.
Put your attention back on your life and what lights you up.
We can get drawn into their drama to the point of excluding our own needs.
That's when things get out of balance.
Try living one entire day paying attention to you and only you.
Forget Sudso The Clown.
Have a day that is entirely about you.
You'll be amazed at how much better you feel.

luvmyfurbabies

As I am typing this my beeraholic b/f is up in our attic with a chainsaw. Why you ask. He is putting a new roof on our house tomorrow (finally) and has to build a knee wall for support. Yes he has been drinking beer since he got home from work. And he's in the attic with a chainsaw. Now how safe is that? He's not drunk but I still worry. I'm waiting for an arm or a leg to fly through the attic opening and down the hallway.

gelfling

Hiya Jen,

Welcome to the home of the brave...we've all walked in each others shoes, so we know what you're going through.

Yeppers, my husband was a BEERaholic. Many times during the night I would catch him standing in the hall pissing in the linen closet. And each time, he was sleep walking and wasn't aware he was doing it. Once, when he was doing it, I walked up behind him and slapped him in the back of the head and that woke him up and he was shocked to see what he had done. Eventhough I'd told him about it in the past.

The kicker was that we had hardwood floors. And you know what any type of pee will do to that.

I am concerned for you and your daughter. Anger in any form is dangerous. Especially when it's directed at you. Maybe it's time for you to start thinking of attending alanon meetings and finding meetings for your daughter too. There's so much you can learn about the alcoholic, alcoholism and how to have a good healthy life for you and your daughter.

Take care. Remember, you don't have to take his crap. You sound as if you're an independent woman. Good for you. You have priorities in your life and that's your life and your daughter.

Grace and Blessings, Kathy

Jen!

Thanks Kathy(Gelfling); I haven't been signed up for 24 hours, but I feel I know each and every one of you more than I know my own husband anymore. I've gotten a little something from everyone, thank you all!!
I sit here crying, again, because I HATE HIM!!! He's the biggest jerk that I've ever known in my whole life. And of course, he's got the beer in his hand. I keep asking myself, how, and why, did I get stuck with this guy! I believe that everything happens for a reason, good and bad! All I know that I've learned from this relationship in the 7 years I've been with him, I know what I don't want in a relationship. This is his second marriage, my first, DUH!!! Hello??? What a dumbass I was! There were signs too before I said I do, but did I listen, no! Funny thing is, I was very independant and on my own for a long time before I met him. I raised my daughter on my own for 3 years, and those were the best 3 years of my life, now I feel I've ruined our life, and I've missed so much of her life, UUUUGGGGGGHHHHH. I cry typing to strangers who make me feel better than he has , while I hear the CRACK of another beer can from the living room. He hates to be told he has a drinking problem, hates it. I think I am just going to lose my mind. Another funny thing is, I am a recovering alcoholic, I do drink occassionally, but out grew it, and can't stand it. Especially seeing him drink, and knowing how he gets when he's drunk, I have to stay sober in order to keep a level head and stay in control of the situation. Can an alcoholic go to Al-Anon? I am not thinking so, but am I wrong? No more, if I get through this one, I'll be amazed. I fear him, yes. He has a line that when he crosses he is verbally abusive and yells so loud he sounds like an animal. He's never hit me, but I fear if I stay, there will come a day. I think there is a part of him that might be schitzo(spelling?) . I just feel good getting it all out, I run my own business at home, so I don't have anyone to talk to, the only people I see are the people at the post office, and video store, and the gym. But I have no friends, and my mom is 3,000 miles away, I talk to her almost every day, but don't like to worry her. I'm very outgoing, but have really sheltered myself and am beginning to feel it, it's not me. And it's not who I want to be. I have photos of me and my daughter up, photos of us when she was younger, before meeting the monster, and we both looked so happy. I can see a difference. I have to be careful of what I do through the day, who I see, and what I say, he's the jealous type too, I would never cheat on him, but I swear he waits for me to screw up. If I even touch the bed while he's not home, he questions it later. If a pillow is in a different place! If I clean the toilet and leave the seat up, he asks why the seat is up, insinuating a man has been in the house. I could go on and on. I ask God for guidance, and I know what to do, and steps is a good start, I am always wanting everything now, and I just want the fastest and easiest way out. But I know there is not one, I have to go in steps, and I think I found a comfort zone I can go to when **** hits the fan.
Thanks to all of you, I have a little hope.

Karivan

Hey Jen... you sure aren't alone here. Mine is a beeralholic too. I can't count the times he's fallen asleep at the computer, on the toilet (sitting down thank God) on the floor, on the couch with a beer in his hand. It's got so friends don't come over because they don't want to drink so much. He keeps trying to get them to keep up with him. I've quit drinking and he still tries to get me to drink so he has an excuse to have a beer.

We buy everything with debit cards so I can keep track of where the money goes. I download it from the bank account into the software Money. Liquor store purchases are labeled, "liquor" so I know how much is spent on it. $1900 in 2002, $1400 in 2003 and over $1600 so far this year. Most of it is beer! He rarely drinks the hard stuff.

I know what you mean about hating him and wishing he were gone. I swear to God, I don't know why I stay. The kids are grown, I can support myself, why why why??? I guess that's what I need to learn.

SJW

You'd swear there must be a "mold" of the beeraholic husband because mine sounds SO much like yours and everyone else's. Mine quit putting the beer in the fridge and just keeps it in a cooler in the garage. He hangs out in the garage alot. He, too, has wet the bed, the couch, the chair. I wasn't sure if that was a diabetic thing (yes, he drinks beer even though he's diabetic!) or if it was alcohol. But now I think I have my answer. Falls asleep on the couch with his arm over and behind his head, too! Wonder what that's about!?

You have found a good place to come to vent and get encouragement and support from others. You have already been told by others about Al-Anon, books to read, etc. One thing you mentioned in one of your posts was that your husband was making you live a life you don't want to live. Even though you might not feel like you have any other options right now, and even though your life is chaotic because of his drinking, YOU are making the choice to stay in the relationship the way it is. I know that's a bitter pill to swallow, especially if you are "stuck" like so many co-dependent women are.

So many of us have been, and some of us still are, right where you are. Our "couple" friends quit inviting us to things because of my husband's drinking. I began to isolate myself because it was easier than facing people - and that starts so gradually I didn't even realize I was doing it.

My husband has been gone for a week on a hunting trip with some of his "buddies" and I realized tonight that even though I have been alone here all week, it's really not much quieter than when he is here. We rarely spend any time talking because he's either out in the garage or passed out here in the house. If it weren't for his financial support, I doubt very much whether I'd still be here. But I have made a choice to stay for now, and it is primarily based on finances. I am on my way to a nursing degree, and when I finally have that, who knows where I might go! It's taken me a long time to get to this point. I didn't recognize or accept what was happening in my life until I was mired in a rut. If you recognize your plight after only 7 years, consider how much more of your life you want to live exactly the same way you are now.

Even if you decide to stay, learn the ways to take the focus off his drinking and put it on you. Then everything you do is not a reaction to what he does, but instead is based on what you want to do.

And, by the way, you can go to Al-Anon even though you are an alcoholic. You are married to an alcoholic, so you are certainly qualified. You might just have an added insight into why he drinks. Your problems dealing with his drinking are not different than anyone else's just because you are a recovering alcoholic, too.

Well, take what you want and leave the rest. Know you aren't alone and other people understand exactly what you are going through. You can do exactly what you have to do. You just need to figure out what is right for you and your daughter.

SJW