No libido
No libido
It's missing. I mean, it isn't puzzling as to why, but I am curious if any of you reached this point as a result of getting tired and worn out by the alcoholic that your body even stopped responding to them. For the record, yes I am still involved in my relationship with Abf. I have taken some big steps in separating - going back to Alanon, therapy, volunteering during times I normally spend with him, saying no to him and not worrying about his feelings, etc.
But I (and certainly he) has noticed that I simply do not feel like having sex with him. I don't even like when he touches me. I feel I have love toward him, and I find him sexually attractive. But I do notice I don't feel a drop of hormones when he is near me. In fact when he starts getting touchy I just want to push his hand away....lately I actually do this whereas not long ago I would kind of pretend through it. This is obviously something he is very frustrated by as he has always been a man that has gotten his esteem by sex and his appeal. This no doubt would not shock me that he will find it elsewhere. This does not threaten me in the least. I simply just don't care about sex with him anymore.
Curious about it though and who has gone through it. By the way, I'm talking about sexual intimacy when NOT actively drinking. Not when you don't want it from them because they are drunk. But when they are sober/not drinking and you have periods of normalcy and you still don't want to be intimate even though they are in a "normal" sweet period.
But I (and certainly he) has noticed that I simply do not feel like having sex with him. I don't even like when he touches me. I feel I have love toward him, and I find him sexually attractive. But I do notice I don't feel a drop of hormones when he is near me. In fact when he starts getting touchy I just want to push his hand away....lately I actually do this whereas not long ago I would kind of pretend through it. This is obviously something he is very frustrated by as he has always been a man that has gotten his esteem by sex and his appeal. This no doubt would not shock me that he will find it elsewhere. This does not threaten me in the least. I simply just don't care about sex with him anymore.
Curious about it though and who has gone through it. By the way, I'm talking about sexual intimacy when NOT actively drinking. Not when you don't want it from them because they are drunk. But when they are sober/not drinking and you have periods of normalcy and you still don't want to be intimate even though they are in a "normal" sweet period.
This no doubt would not shock me that he will find it elsewhere.
ahem, cough, i'll slap down a tenner and say he already HAS, is and does.
exactly WHAT are you still holding on to? why are you still so darn unwilling to just LET HIM GO? he's not a science project........
ahem, cough, i'll slap down a tenner and say he already HAS, is and does.
exactly WHAT are you still holding on to? why are you still so darn unwilling to just LET HIM GO? he's not a science project........
I stopped wanting to be intimate with my (now X) AH when I came to the realization I had no trust left in any way for the man. It wasn't a lack of love, it was a lack of trust. Hard to share yourself intimately with someone you don't trust. At least that's how it was for me.
I guess it’s hard to have sexual attraction and getting the hormones going towards someone who basically has showed you by cheating and many other gross and bizarre behaviors that they don’t give a sh*t about the relationship and you are showing you don’t give a sh*t about him……………….so really, what’s left? It’s like circling the drain isn’t it?
(“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served”…………Nina Simone)
(“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served”…………Nina Simone)
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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The last time I had sex with my ex husband I felt nothing and then threw up afterward.
At that point, I knew at my core that first, it meant nothing to him...I could have been anybody: for all his "love" talk he really had nothing but contempt for me other than being useful arm candy.
And second, I was allowing myself to be used. I was participating in my own degradation. At that point, that stopped being something I could live with.
At that point, I knew at my core that first, it meant nothing to him...I could have been anybody: for all his "love" talk he really had nothing but contempt for me other than being useful arm candy.
And second, I was allowing myself to be used. I was participating in my own degradation. At that point, that stopped being something I could live with.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
I stopped wanting to be intimate with my (now X) AH when I came to the realization I had no trust left in any way for the man. It wasn't a lack of love, it was a lack of trust. Hard to share yourself intimately with someone you don't trust. At least that's how it was for me.
Smarie, maybe you are just done with him?
I have read about how a damaged relationship, hurt, lack of trust, anger , resentment, etc. affects peoples' heads, esp. in the sex department.
Maybe all of your work to detach--know it's hard--is kicking in, and this is just another signal that you are ready to move on.
I think SmallButMighty's post hits it right on the head.
I have read about how a damaged relationship, hurt, lack of trust, anger , resentment, etc. affects peoples' heads, esp. in the sex department.
Maybe all of your work to detach--know it's hard--is kicking in, and this is just another signal that you are ready to move on.
I think SmallButMighty's post hits it right on the head.
Me..
Definitely dropped after a good portion of nonsense
Got a bit better when he was doing well with sobriety and seemed more engaged in the relationship. He got more attentive to me once he'd been going to counselling a while and I felt closer to him briefly...but then the nonsense started again and I just got tired.
Not sure how you're supposed to enjoy sex with someone when your head is full of all the stuff that's driving you crazy...especially when you're working on your own recovery and trying to undo a lifetime of unhelpful autopilot responses at the same time! All that detaching with love and focussing on yourself doesn't come easy! 😊
Having a battle in your head about whether to breathe deep and shift focus away frm him or lay into him about the empty bottles you spotted or his avoiding any chat that involves any concepts of responsibility etc, doesn't make for great intimacy! 😊
Think libido disappearance is pretty understandable!
Definitely dropped after a good portion of nonsense
Got a bit better when he was doing well with sobriety and seemed more engaged in the relationship. He got more attentive to me once he'd been going to counselling a while and I felt closer to him briefly...but then the nonsense started again and I just got tired.
Not sure how you're supposed to enjoy sex with someone when your head is full of all the stuff that's driving you crazy...especially when you're working on your own recovery and trying to undo a lifetime of unhelpful autopilot responses at the same time! All that detaching with love and focussing on yourself doesn't come easy! 😊
Having a battle in your head about whether to breathe deep and shift focus away frm him or lay into him about the empty bottles you spotted or his avoiding any chat that involves any concepts of responsibility etc, doesn't make for great intimacy! 😊
Think libido disappearance is pretty understandable!
But you are spot on. He seems puzzled that I don't feel like being intimate, but it is exactly as you say....who feels sexy when their partner can't get it together and take responsibility for anything? It's hard to connect sexually with all the lying and deceit and the fact that I don't see him taking recovery to the level he should (I know this is codependency but just explaining why I'm not feeling so hot these days)
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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All of it is starting to make so much sense. I saw my therapist today and told her all about it. She echoed so much of the above and too saw this as a point of growth in a strange way. Almost as a final symptom that there isn't much left for me to stay. In fact our relationship feels so much like a friendship lately. Our times together feel less romantic and less of a couple than they do a friendship. He is pushing the romance on overdrive - and not just sexually but just the obsessional attention, etc. but he doesn't realize that this does nothing for me. I don't care about sex with him or sweet words or attention overload...I care about recovery and responsibility. Something he is not proving to be ready for.
As for libido, I should have stated before....I am not missing it in general. In fact that area is alive and well! But I am missing it with him. And I agree, I think it is your body's way of rejecting what it knows is harmful. He has always been someone who gets his worth from his sex appeal (admittedly we all get ours from something so I am not judging him), so for him it's a huge shot that I am not responding. But you can't force it.
As for libido, I should have stated before....I am not missing it in general. In fact that area is alive and well! But I am missing it with him. And I agree, I think it is your body's way of rejecting what it knows is harmful. He has always been someone who gets his worth from his sex appeal (admittedly we all get ours from something so I am not judging him), so for him it's a huge shot that I am not responding. But you can't force it.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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"He has always been someone who gets his worth from his sex appeal (admittedly we all get ours from something so I am not judging him), so for him it's a huge shot that I am not responding. "
Hey, let's judge him, shall we?
He could be getting his self-worth by...
Being responsible
Being a good father
Being a good employee (hey, just being employed)
Not hurting people
Not cheating on you
Paying his own way
Relying on his "sex appeal" isn't going to work for much longer, with anyone...
Hey, let's judge him, shall we?
He could be getting his self-worth by...
Being responsible
Being a good father
Being a good employee (hey, just being employed)
Not hurting people
Not cheating on you
Paying his own way
Relying on his "sex appeal" isn't going to work for much longer, with anyone...
Yes Aries - that is it exactly. Funny that everything you listed are the things that would turn me on. I always joke and say...hey wanna get me all hot and bothered? Be a good dad, take responsibility, etc. Quickest way to put me in the mood.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
It happened to me for a while, and I think it was because the trust had been broken, and I didnt feel secure in my knowing who he was as a person anymore. What I knew and believed for so long, was affected by the changes and behaviors I saw when he was using.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Ditto
This no doubt would not shock me that he will find it elsewhere.
ahem, cough, i'll slap down a tenner and say he already HAS, is and does.
exactly WHAT are you still holding on to? why are you still so darn unwilling to just LET HIM GO? he's not a science project........
ahem, cough, i'll slap down a tenner and say he already HAS, is and does.
exactly WHAT are you still holding on to? why are you still so darn unwilling to just LET HIM GO? he's not a science project........
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