No libido
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by madgirl 
It is going to feel bad to end it. You will feel cravings. You will question yourself. But the behavior - stop seeing this guy - will CHANGE how you think and feel. This is exactly how we recovering alcoholics have to do it.
“You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.”
Maybe counterintuitive for some of us, but TRUE! Changing my behavior will change my thoughts and feelings. I can't wait until I feel right to start acting right any more than an alcoholic can wait until everything is perfect and smooth in his life to stop drinking. It will never cease to amaze me how similar both sides of the codependent/alcoholic coin really are...
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
Thank you for this insightful post. That's exactly how it feels. I woke up very down today and we had plans. He started with me again questioning where I was last night and today because I switched a detail of our plans for today (changed the meeting location and time). Once he started I just shut down and said I don't even feel like seeing him today because I needed time alone. Which was true. He called and told me he will not accept that. It was just strange. I feel like I'm not even in my own body some days. Almost unable to just stop him. Do I feel closer? Yes. Is it harder than I thought it would be if you look at logistics? Very much yes. It's like the bottle must be for him, just unrelenting until he gives in. Very similar.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And the other piece of what honeypig is talking about is the fact that, as uncomfortable as it might FEEL to do the right thing, nobody ever died from discomfort--not this kind of discomfort, anyway. I remember when I was newly sober, there were certain moments of anger/frustration/helplessness, when it felt like I NEEDED a drink. I didn't WANT one, but it certainly felt horrible to be experiencing life without it.
What I discovered, though, was that I didn't die from that discomfort. It actually passed if I didn't sit and dwell on how sucky it felt. Moreover, subsequent times when those feelings came passed a lot more quickly. They still felt awful for a while, but sheer repetition of the experience made it more bearable as my confidence increased that this time, too, it would pass.
I can't even remember the last time I felt like I "needed" a drink. I didn't feel that way when I was diagnosed with cancer. Instead, I knew that I would be able to cope with whatever happened just FINE without doing the one thing guaranteed to make my life worse. I didn't get that way overnight, but if I'd picked up a drink every time I felt like I "needed" one in early sobriety, I'd still be drinking.
What I discovered, though, was that I didn't die from that discomfort. It actually passed if I didn't sit and dwell on how sucky it felt. Moreover, subsequent times when those feelings came passed a lot more quickly. They still felt awful for a while, but sheer repetition of the experience made it more bearable as my confidence increased that this time, too, it would pass.
I can't even remember the last time I felt like I "needed" a drink. I didn't feel that way when I was diagnosed with cancer. Instead, I knew that I would be able to cope with whatever happened just FINE without doing the one thing guaranteed to make my life worse. I didn't get that way overnight, but if I'd picked up a drink every time I felt like I "needed" one in early sobriety, I'd still be drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
^^^ Good point. I think people sometimes confuse "needs" and "wants". When a "want" is really, really strong it can feel like a need if we aren't attentive to the difference. Will something bad happen if I don't do or have this thing I think I "need"? Will I die? Will I be harmed in some permanent and destructive way if I don't do or have it? Or will I feel really irritable, sad and uncomfortable for a while but ultimately not be worse off? If the answers are no, no, no, yes, this is probably something you want, not something you need.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Smarie78
I have this issue in multiple relationships in my life. It's something deeper with me and absolutely about fear and disappointing and anxiety. And the fear OF angering. Whether it's something from childhood or not I don't know.
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