firebolt

Yeah, I completely stopped wanting to be intimate with xabf at the end, which was completely out of character for me. It was kind of the last push reminding me of what I needed to do. I became physically repulsed by him hugging me even. Listen to your body! It gets so loud you can't ignore it at some point!

honeypig

Seriously? You have friends who pee on your furniture, steal your car, disappear for days, and all the other shenanigans your A has done?

In my book, his behavior does not put him in either the friend or lover category. He is a destructive, negative force in your life, sucking away your happiness and self-confidence, not to mention your money.

With friends like this, who needs enemies?

firebolt

^^ Yep, what Honeypig said.

I used to think xabf was my best friend.

The TRUTH is...

I started hating fishing and camping (2 of my most beloved past times) because he would $h!tshow in my favorite spots. For the record, I am now in the LONG process of making new, GOOD memories in those places to erase the bad ones.

I started dreading family time (something I value more than anything) because I was scared he'd get drunk or be moody

I stopped wanting to go to public events, because they were a reason for him to get wasted and I couldn't relax.

He was only intermittently there when I needed him.

He would sabotage plans to stay home and drink.

I dreaded coming home to my 'best friend.'

He called me names and tried to hurt my feeling by using my vulnerabilities against me. Seriously....my 'best friend' is a laughable term at this point.

I think we tell ourselves that they are a good friend, a good person, a great partner....because it keeps us from having to ACT.

Smarie78

Yep - That's pretty much it. He does all these destructive things while at the same time acting in an obsessive 'I can't live without you I am obsessed with you' manner toward me. This has been a theme since day 1 of our relationship. He was always agitated that I was not a jealous girlfriend or not as "obsessed" with him as he was with me (though the irony of it is that I was obsessed with him, with his disease though and trying to fix it). But truth be told, even if he was a perfect guy and did wonderful things for me, I have never felt that way about anyone because it is not in my nature. Not to mention, for me to feel love and affection to the point of even near obsession, the guy would have to be worthy of it. When someone has treated you poorly it's kind of hard to be an obsessive jealous girlfriend he seems to so desire. It's always kind of amusing seeing him try to make me that person (ie.mentioning someone who hit on him, etc.). It's honestly never phased me. In my mind I just kind of giggle like.....okay, knock yourself out.

Anyway, as far as libido...so much YES honeypig. I notice my effort toward him and the relationship are at like the part where your phone is about to shut down at 3% and you just don't really care to plug it in or find that charger. And of course he notices this and reminds me of what a blow it feels like. But where I use to convince him that I'm 'just tired' I no longer do these last couple of weeks. My body literally just no longer responds. Again, it responds - just not to him. And yes, things that I use to enjoy I just don't with him anymore. I remember a few months past when he was sober I was really excited to have our days together, but even now when he is sober (ie.not actively drinking), I kind of dread our day together. I feel bored and robotic. I feel a little guilty for even saying this now...but its what I feel.

Ariesagain

There is nothing sexy about anyone who acts like a clingy, demanding, two-year-old, never mind all of the other atrocities. And I don't care if he looks like George Clooney and Mark Harmon put together.

ETA: You know, his "obsession" with you most likely has far more to do with you as a codependent than you as an individual. Nobody obsesses like an addict.

AnvilheadII

and so once again...........WHAT are you hanging on to? you have ripped him to shreds in every conceivable way possible as far as taking his inventory, psychoanalyzing him, stating what it is you do not like about him, not attracted to him, the list goes on ad nauseum....

so WHY pray tell are you still actively involved with him? look inside your own head for answers..........not his.

Smarie78

I don't know why I am still in it. That's the truth of it. I'm scared to leave him still (not as intensely as I use to be but it's still there). I feel responsible and abandoning if I leave because of my hot and cold mixed messages to him (that I do blame myself for and take responsibility for). Inside I feel the way I write about it on SR, but when we text or interact I feel like if I don't present the person he needs me to be (happy and in love) I am guilty or wrong for it. I started acting as I naturally feel toward him (distant and not interested) and as soon as he lays on the pity and tells me I am not who I use to be with him it's like I try a little bit more for his sake. Yesterday he said good morning and all these declarations of love and because mine was less expressive he got angry with me and I found myself trying to diffuse for his sake. Trying to "make up" for it because heaven forbid he feel un-loved.

I'm not trying to analyze or understand why I stay anymore, I'm just stating how I feel. I use to be scared of leaving because I loved him and wasn't ready to give up the fantasy of a future with him as a changed man, but more recently I feel I will be just fine and even better on my own. A lot of that is because I am feeling disconnected to him. But fear walked in again after the last bender, and I felt backed into a wall when he cried and begged on his knees - funny I use to cry with him and don't anymore. I was scared to leave because I was afraid it would push him into another bender. Then I was afraid because of his reminders that he couldnt live without me (I then felt responsible per usual). The other night at dinner he told me that again and I laughed nervously and said "yes you can". And there I was again diffusing his how-can-you-be-so-cold reaction.

Yup I know all this and please don't for a moment think I don't agree with all the comments. Intellectually I do, more than ever. Again this has been a theme in my life that transcends just romantic relationships. The unemployment has done a number on my esteem too so it's felt a big step back. Recently I am practicing saying no a lot to family and it's helped. I always use to say I felt like a Jenga piece. If taken out, the whole puzzle crashes down and I ruin their game.

Two big interviews that are very promising coming up in the next week. One happens to be for a job Abf has insinuated threats to leave if I take - interviewing anyways of course. I am not saying that a job will solve everything and force me to take that important step forward. But it sure will help. I'm at a pretty solid low right now.

Ariesagain

In economic theory there's a concept called a "bundle of goods and services."

Toward the end of my first marriage, that phrase haunted me...because to him that's what I was. And that was all. A high-value bundle of goods and services...but ultimately interchangeable.

Your boy is already shopping around for an alternative if he needs it (and cheating on you).

Why are YOU the one feeling guilty?

SparkleKitty

I can't tell you how many relationships I let linger on long past their life span because I felt scared to end it. The why's don't matter -- I wasted months of my life and other people's lives because I couldn't get my act together and move on.

You do him no favors by staying when you are this disinterested in the relationship.

AnvilheadII

but you aren't LEAVING him!!! he doesn't LIVE with you. you would simply stop seeing each other and your lives would go their SEPARATE ways.

you are not responsible for him. it's rather egotistic to think you have that much power and control over another living being. he's not a pet. you aren't dropping him off at the animal shelter.

chances are if you actually ever DID cut him loose, he wouldn't be nearly as wrecked as you think or maybe secretly hope. he won't be crumpled like a tissue. he HAS other places to go.

this is really about.....YOU. having him around does something FOR you. when he was a projectile vomiting mess and when he's simpering at your feet. notice that in BOTH cases he is not acting the role of an ADULT MALE. but always something smaller, less than, even to be reviled. it's all kinda twisted stuff............dominatrix-y even.

think i'm gonna bounce on outta here........

Ap052183

100× this. I'm intermittently here but I've followed parts of your story. The only thing this guy offers you is a way to be needed. You need to fix that.

But to your original post. Lack of libido is indicative of your true feelings. No one wants to have sex with someone they can't trust and need to parent.

Smarie78

Sorry you feel that way but there is no pleasure I have gained from those terrible moments with him. Like I said, I'm not asking for analysis from others I am simply stating my feelings. It's fear based and not, something I get off on as you have stated many times before. I have this issue in multiple relationships in my life. It's something deeper with me and absolutely about fear and disappointing and anxiety. And the fear OF angering. Whether it's something from childhood or not I don't know. But again, just working through my own feelings as I move toward ending this. I.ve always stayed well past expiration dates with men and have found myself on the end of abused in multiple romantic relationships that have still felt hard for me to escape from.

Smarie78

Can I ask what you were afraid of? I've noticed the theme in all of mine as well

firebolt

Sending you good vibes on the interviews!!

Although I NEVER thought I was scared to be alone....some soul searching certainly proved that that was EXACTLY what I was afraid of.

Also a perfection complex issue / fear and fear of hard work - admitting that I had made a poor decision in someone else, and that I had invested everything in the wrong person. That stuff stings, it's scary, it's difficult to break free from, and it's hard to do the work to correct the problem.

SparkleKitty

Take your pick, but they were all about me and my issues and never about the other person (though I may have called it concern for them, that was me denying my own issues):

- fear of an uncomfortable conversation
- fear of losing a label (who would I be if I was not "__________'s girlfriend")
- fear of being alone

Until I got over all those fears I was not fit to waste mine or anyone else's time in a relationship.

tomsteve

you say you dont know why youre still in it, then go on to state reasons why.

personally i think there 2 of many reasons why
low self esteem
the attention he gives you.

qtpi

It is intelligence and common sense to move away from someone who hurts you.

madgirl

Lots of my fellow alcoholics ask the question "why am I an alcoholic - what IS this?" - I think they feel if they could understand it, their feelings will change and then they could either control it or it would be easier to stop.

Ive been following your updates and see a similar pattern. You engage in behavior you acknowledge to be self-destructive, and have reached a point where you feel no pleasure anymore - but instead of ending this thing for good, you persist and analyze.

It is going to feel bad to end it. You will feel cravings. You will question yourself. But the behavior - stop seeing this guy - will CHANGE how you think and feel. This is exactly how we recovering alcoholics have to do it.

Each day, wake up and say "today I will have zero contact with this man. No matter what happens, I will not see/text/call/stalk whatever." Then rinse/repeat every day. I think it is the only way.

Smarie78

Thank you for this insightful post. That's exactly how it feels. I woke up very down today and we had plans. He started with me again questioning where I was last night and today because I switched a detail of our plans for today (changed the meeting location and time). Once he started I just shut down and said I don't even feel like seeing him today because I needed time alone. Which was true. He called and told me he will not accept that. It was just strange. I feel like I'm not even in my own body some days. Almost unable to just stop him. Do I feel closer? Yes. Is it harder than I thought it would be if you look at logistics? Very much yes. It's like the bottle must be for him, just unrelenting until he gives in. Very similar.

madgirl

I remember times I felt almost completely disassociated with my myself as I parked in front of the wine store, despite exhaustion, hangover and enormous shame. Thank God it has been 16 mos since my last drink.

At first though I did whatever I had to - to NOT drink. Netflix. Muffins. Ice cream. Walked my dog. Came to SR and posted "help! Cravings!" Listened to loud music. Slept. Volunteered. Read books.

Over time I started to see some pretty amazing things happening inside and out, and cravings started to lessen.

You can do this. Dont pick up. I mean completely ghost him.