PuzzledHeart

I hope she makes it too.

There was absolutely nothing you could have done to stop her. She had her mom. She had her friend. They've known her longer than you. And yet their love wasn't enough. Sometimes addiction just gets to the point where you could give infinite amounts of love and it still wouldn't be enough. I'm so sorry.

tired090909

I wish I could have done more. Been more patient. Its difficult being across oceans and not knowing whats going on.

atalose

I'm really sorry for the pain and worry you are feeling. I pray that she pulls through and I pray that you find your way through to freeing yourself from those feelings of obligation or that you could have done something more for her then what you did.

Have you been in contact with her parents?

tired090909

Thank you for your kind words. I only sent a note to her mother as I did not want to cause her more distress. It is the middle of the night there and I assume she is in transit as her daughter is in a different city.

hopeful4

I am so sorry. However, as others have said, it's not your fault. This is a case that some people don't have a "bottom" so to speak. You cannot control it, you cannot cure it, you did not cause it.

Ultimately, it's ok to love someone from afar simply because a life with them is too toxic for you.

Big hugs.

Bekindalways

Tired, this must indeed be beyond difficult. Please, please know that it is not your fault.

When I left my qualifier, I figured he would most likely die. I could die with him or live. I chose to live my life. It was an excruciating choice. I too was not okay for a long time.

Please get all the help and support you can. Let us know how you are no matter how bad it gets.

tired090909

I am still dealing with the fallout from the relationship with AGF. She had gone home where she started drinking again. She was in a hospital for sometime. She is now holed up somewhere not talking to anyone and not eating. I am not sure whether she is still drinking. She refuses to get help. My worse nightmare is that someone will phone with bad news. I know I should move on but I haven't been able to. There is nothing I can do to help her with emotional or psychological issues. I want to help her financially but she needs to be able to take that help and get her life back in order.

glenl

I think you might want to think about going to Al-Anon or the like. And read about codependency. And learn to let go of trying to fix other people.

Another woman like this will wander into your life if you don't.

hopeful4

Wow tired, it sounds like not much has changed. I really hope you are able to move on soon. So sorry.

HardLessons

Helping an addict financially wont work. I tried to make her life stable but it didn't work. It made things worse.

Sorry to hear your sad situation continues.

Maudcat

tired, some people are just stuck in their addiction, and nothing anyone does or says will change that.
Please try to let go of the guilt.
Your are not responsible for someone else’s behavior.
We are not powerful enough to fix anyone, except for ourselves.

Bekindalways

So so sorry to hear this Tired although not surprised. Many users never reach sobriety. I heard it called a disease of choice recently.

There is nothing you can do for her however there is lots you can do for yourself. Like Glen said, give alanon a try. You might also look into some counseling.

We codependents don't get to move on without work and lots of time. Please do the work on yourself as there are many more addict/alcoholic women out there. You could easily wind up with one, or even an entire string, of them.

I'm hoping you get healthy and find a super healthy, caring woman (And of course one who is bodaciously beautiful!! )!

tired090909

I am reading 'Codependent No More'. I just don't understand how someone could be so self-destructive. Is this really a disease of choice? She seems to be completely addicted and out of control. In any case, thanks all. I will look into getting counseling as this situation has really been damaging.

FeelingGreat

I think you should if you're still feeling guilty about something you haven't a hope of controlling. Not to scare you, but some As just can't be stopped by anything or anyone, and it's a toss-up as to whether they finally make it.

PrettyViolets

Yeh, I remember thinking about my husband like you are tall, dark, handsome guy and look what you are doing with it. He really had to hit rock bottom before he got better. After years of sobriety, that tall, handsome guy is now playing Nintendo Mario game and spending quality time with his kids at night. But it is not always a happy ending for all alcoholics.

The Getting Them Sober books helped me. I had a therapist that had me read a book about Safe People.

Carol Star

She may need detox- I would call the hospital. Cut off all $ so she cannot buy booze.

chicory

Codependent No More, by Melody Beatty, was a life saver for me.
Just remember that you dont deserve to be miserable bevause of the bad choices shes making. Shes probably going to have to hit her bottom, to then decide if she wants to live or not.

Hang tough. you did all and more, that you needed to do.
The Serenity Prayer has always helped me.
God grant me the serenity to avcept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Focus on you, and Im glad you found SR. We understand.

Change4good

Okay, maybe she came here for you, and then decided to drink all day, not work, and have you pay for everything. Gig is up. It is not about you anymore. It is her being enabled to stay in her addiction, with no consequences. This is not your battle, it is hers. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

And I would not pay for her plane ticket. Just me. There. My tough love for the day. Hope it wasn't too tough. I am wishing you well, and hope that you can reclaim YOUR life, and let her figure out her own. You are not her savior. Don't even try and do that.

atalose

I don’t think most of us here who are not addicts could possible understand that power that addiction has over them. My personal experience with my ex was that he could pull together sobriety for years then months at a time but during his sobriety, he made the choice to seek pills again rather than reach out to a sponsor, counselor or get himself to a meeting. Knowing the ill consequences he had suffered from past relapses, he still chose to seek more pills. Powerful, cunning and baffling disease.

It’s extremely hard watching someone drown in their addiction and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up.

Sailorgirl57

Steel yourself against guilt and pity.

Give her three choices: a ticket home to mom, a taxi ride to a shelter, or you call the police. If she doesn’t choose, she gets door #3.