Alcoholic GF won't move out
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Why is it YOUR obligation? She has family, she came here and stayed without your urging, and is refusing to leave. Let her family provide for her. If she refuses their help, that doesn't obligate YOU to provide it. Someone who's drowning doesn't get to insist on the color of the life preserver.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by tired090909 
You're right. She is an adult. My concern is whether she is mentally capable of making sound decisions. Her behavior and a history of depression makes me suspicious.
If she is not capable then I feel like I have some sort of obligation to make sure she is alright.
If she is not capable then I feel like I have some sort of obligation to make sure she is alright.
I ended up having to take her to a hospital last night and spent most of the night there. She had written a 'goodbye' letter to her mother. The doctor assessed her and determined she was not at risk. They directed her to resources providing free treatment for addiction and depression.
I know this situation is not one you have experienced before and let’s hope you never have to again but this girl has issues and the biggest one right now is in manipulating you. Using your kindness and caring against you making you feel obligated to her.
I wouldn’t put much stock into her story about moving to the US with someone she met in a bar a few weeks ago. What I would be putting stock into is preparing yourself for her to be moving with you to your new place because she’s not going anywhere.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I think you have to decide whether you are going to take on full responsibility for this woman, including spending an indefinite amount of time protecting her from the consequences of her poor decisions (like moving to visit someone she met in a bar); or cut her loose completely and hope for the best. I don't think there is any in-between. It sounds like the latter option would be very difficult emotionally because your nature is to be hospitable and understanding, but the alternative is for her to be with you for an unforeseen amount of time. She does indeed have problems, but they don't sound like problems you can help her with.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Yikes! Dude...by any means get out of there ASAP..I'm not saying let her stay the next 12 days or whatever in your place alone and you make other arrangements for yourself but, freaking run,man! I got anxiety reading that to be honest.
I'm also an alcoholic(in recovery) who WAS in a very toxic relationship for way longer than need be. So, I get the 'save,help,ect' that you feel BUT this isn't on you. Hell..buy her an early one way ticket to visit her new bar fly friend in the US.
I'm also an alcoholic(in recovery) who WAS in a very toxic relationship for way longer than need be. So, I get the 'save,help,ect' that you feel BUT this isn't on you. Hell..buy her an early one way ticket to visit her new bar fly friend in the US.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Seriously?
Seriously? You would bring her in to your new home?
For the love of God!
If you don't take this gift from God and just move out and NOT take her with you I lack the words to even go on and you will be 100 percent responsible for everything that comes next.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me...
Ugh!
C-
For the love of God!
If you don't take this gift from God and just move out and NOT take her with you I lack the words to even go on and you will be 100 percent responsible for everything that comes next.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me...
Ugh!
C-
Originally Posted by tired090909
Hello. I don't even know where to start. I met this girl in Europe (I was working there at the time). We maintained a long distant relationship for a while then she came down to on a work visa. To be honest, I knew she had some issues with alcohol in the past but I had no idea of the extent.
Anyway fast forward 3 months after her arrival and my world is upside down. She started drinking week one and its non-stop. I have had to call an ambulance twice because I was so worried. I have taken her to the hospital twice but they say there is nothing they can do unless she is serious about quitting.
I have broken up with her and asked her to leave my apartment. She has refused. I have offered her money so she can go home and resettle but still no go.
I really don't know what to do at this point. She says she would rather go to a shelter than go back home. Home would be to her mother's house. Her mother is ready to take her in.
She drinks everyday. I find empty bottles in the apartment. She is not working. I was fully able and willing to support her for however long it took for her to get a job.
I am just really tired and miserable at this point. I don't know what to do anymore. Earlier today, she threatened suicide. I calmed her down but I now think that I should have perhaps just called the police or ambulance.
Please help. She is ruining my life. I don't want to put her out in the streets. She has her mother to go to but she won't go. I am starting to suspect now that she may have mental issues and the addiction is a side effect.
On another note, I am actually moving house in 2 weeks. This was planned before her arrival. I desperately do not want to take her to my new home. I just want a fresh start. I want to be able to breathe again.
Anyway fast forward 3 months after her arrival and my world is upside down. She started drinking week one and its non-stop. I have had to call an ambulance twice because I was so worried. I have taken her to the hospital twice but they say there is nothing they can do unless she is serious about quitting.
I have broken up with her and asked her to leave my apartment. She has refused. I have offered her money so she can go home and resettle but still no go.
I really don't know what to do at this point. She says she would rather go to a shelter than go back home. Home would be to her mother's house. Her mother is ready to take her in.
She drinks everyday. I find empty bottles in the apartment. She is not working. I was fully able and willing to support her for however long it took for her to get a job.
I am just really tired and miserable at this point. I don't know what to do anymore. Earlier today, she threatened suicide. I calmed her down but I now think that I should have perhaps just called the police or ambulance.
Please help. She is ruining my life. I don't want to put her out in the streets. She has her mother to go to but she won't go. I am starting to suspect now that she may have mental issues and the addiction is a side effect.
On another note, I am actually moving house in 2 weeks. This was planned before her arrival. I desperately do not want to take her to my new home. I just want a fresh start. I want to be able to breathe again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by tired090909
This is an amazing community. I really felt like I had nowhere to turn. Thank you.
I do feel guilty that she came here for me but I really have done everything for her. I even pay for weekly sessions with a therapist.
Her mother is in Europe but of course I will pay for her ticket home.
I do feel guilty that she came here for me but I really have done everything for her. I even pay for weekly sessions with a therapist.
Her mother is in Europe but of course I will pay for her ticket home.
Wow , good on you!! You have to do what is best for you sometimes!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by tired090909
You're right. She is an adult. My concern is whether she is mentally capable of making sound decisions. Her behavior and a history of depression makes me suspicious.
If she is not capable then I feel like I have some sort of obligation to make sure she is alright.
If she is not capable then I feel like I have some sort of obligation to make sure she is alright.
The promise to leave by the end of the month is just a way of buying time. The 'friend' she met at a bar could have been talking drunk, or know nothing about it. You want her to leave? Book her into a hotel for a couple of nights, give her some cash and change the locks. It would have been better if you'd done it when she was at the hospital.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I guess my point would be that you cannot "save her" even from herself. If she does not want to be well, you cannot make that happen. I am sure that is why she won't go back to her mother.
If would could will or love our qualifiers into being well, none of us would be here in the first place.
If would could will or love our qualifiers into being well, none of us would be here in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
tired,
Welcome!! You have received some good feedback. As you have learned by now, dealing with an alcoholic is anything but easy. You have the power to change this situation and although it's uncomfortable, it's necessary for your well being. You do not owe this woman a roof over her head. She has other options, she's just doesn't like them. I hope you continue to post and read around SR. You are in the right place!
Welcome!! You have received some good feedback. As you have learned by now, dealing with an alcoholic is anything but easy. You have the power to change this situation and although it's uncomfortable, it's necessary for your well being. You do not owe this woman a roof over her head. She has other options, she's just doesn't like them. I hope you continue to post and read around SR. You are in the right place!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 20
Update
Update on my situation. If you remember, the GF or ex GF as far as I'm concerned was to visit a friend in the states (I'm in Canada). The trip was postponed as the friend was away for work.
Anyway during this time I moved and I had to move wth her (yes I know). I have since found 2 empty bottles hidden. We moved 5 days ago.
The trip is now scheduled for next week. She is going away for one week with the expectation that she will come back. My plan once she has gone is to tell her I don't want her to come back and hope she accepts it. I will offer to book her a flight back home to Europe.
She will not have the key to my place and I will tell the building manager not to let anyone up to my apartment.
I am now living in fear that she will come back regardless and all hell will break loose. I am scared for her and scared for myself. I just hope to God she does not camp out in front of my building.
I am now seriously thinking of taking a few days off work on her return date and going away somewhere myself or just booking into a hotel.
Anyway during this time I moved and I had to move wth her (yes I know). I have since found 2 empty bottles hidden. We moved 5 days ago.
The trip is now scheduled for next week. She is going away for one week with the expectation that she will come back. My plan once she has gone is to tell her I don't want her to come back and hope she accepts it. I will offer to book her a flight back home to Europe.
She will not have the key to my place and I will tell the building manager not to let anyone up to my apartment.
I am now living in fear that she will come back regardless and all hell will break loose. I am scared for her and scared for myself. I just hope to God she does not camp out in front of my building.
I am now seriously thinking of taking a few days off work on her return date and going away somewhere myself or just booking into a hotel.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
My plan once she has gone is to tell her I don't want her to come back and hope she accepts it.
You are not married. You have no legal responsibility to her or for her that I see in anything you've posted. The only thing tying you to her is YOU.
I'm glad to see you've come back to post, and I hope you're able to get some help from what people here have to offer. Are you going to Alanon or getting any other form of f2f support for yourself?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's time for you to stop sending mixed messages. Look, you MOVED her with you. Regardless of her alcoholism or sobriety, I think most people would feel a bit like the rug was suddenly pulled out under these circumstances. I'm not suggesting for one second that you now "owe" her anything just because you moved her, but you need to grow a backbone and stop avoiding confrontation--things only get worse/more complicated when you do.
If she harasses you, threatens you, damages your property or does anything else to harm you, call the police. That's what they are there for. You might qualify for a protective order in that instance as well--you can contact your local women's shelter (they help anyone, not just women) to find out what protection might be available.
If she harasses you, threatens you, damages your property or does anything else to harm you, call the police. That's what they are there for. You might qualify for a protective order in that instance as well--you can contact your local women's shelter (they help anyone, not just women) to find out what protection might be available.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Hold up. Feel bad for her circumstances, yes. Sadness for her surrender to her addiction, yes. You can really feel empathy for her family.
BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This was going to happen eventually whether at your place or her mother's or out in the street. Late-stage addiction is implacable and deadly.
Are YOU okay?
BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This was going to happen eventually whether at your place or her mother's or out in the street. Late-stage addiction is implacable and deadly.
Are YOU okay?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello tired,
I am sorry to hear about this young woman. I really do hate addiction and have sympathy for her condition. I, too, hope she makes it and will add her to my prayers.
Whether she was with you, or her friend, or her parents, it sounds as though she simply was not ready to stop. That being the case, there was nothing you or anyone else could do to turn this around for her. Hopefully, she will pull through this and it will be the wakeup call that she needs.
The sad truth is--it may not be. She may make it through this only to go use again. My stepson has been in the hospital 3 times due to his drinking and drug use. Yet he continues to this day.
I know that this night will be a long one for you, and I am sorry. I hope you can stick close to SR. We are open 24/7, and there is always someone around to talk to.
Please do try to get some rest
I am sorry to hear about this young woman. I really do hate addiction and have sympathy for her condition. I, too, hope she makes it and will add her to my prayers.
Whether she was with you, or her friend, or her parents, it sounds as though she simply was not ready to stop. That being the case, there was nothing you or anyone else could do to turn this around for her. Hopefully, she will pull through this and it will be the wakeup call that she needs.
The sad truth is--it may not be. She may make it through this only to go use again. My stepson has been in the hospital 3 times due to his drinking and drug use. Yet he continues to this day.
I know that this night will be a long one for you, and I am sorry. I hope you can stick close to SR. We are open 24/7, and there is always someone around to talk to.
Please do try to get some rest
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