Coping in the addiction aftermath - where am I?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Coping in the addiction aftermath - where am I?
I've written about this before, but prior to meeting my A I struggled a bit with what I would call sex addiction. It never got too out of hand (I didn't watch porn all day or anything like that or miss work or stay home and um....;get to know myself better), but I did find that I used and actively sought out random sex to sooth and cope with lonliness and other anxious or depressed feelings. Funny enough, when I met my A the addiction stopped for me completely. Almost instantaneously. It makes sense too because suddenly that void was filled now by him and all of his drama. I didn't need random sex anymore to feel anything because I was feeling so much with him (even if the "feelings" were wrought with toxicity). In fact it got to the point where I lost interest in sex completely as things with him grew progressively worse. I didn't want him to touch me. I didn't want anybody to touch me. I felt like a live wire but not in the sense that I sparked with life - in fact I would spark with more of a jump of "don't touch me!".
Fast forward to now, healing. My real healing journey beginning. He left a few weeks ago and I am doing my best to move on. Instead of processing this as "he's just on a bender and we will talk when he gets back", like usual. I'm processing this as me moving on assuming and living as though I will never see or talk to him again. That is my reality and it works best for me to move forward. I don't want to really know where he is, I don't even know if I want to know if he is alive. I wouldn't know what to do nor could I do anything in terms of action with that knowledge. So why shake the tree, I am moving slowly and steadily.
The issue I am stumbling on however are those feelings coming back of soothing this vacancy he's left. I spent so much time trying to change him, make him happy, be a "good girl", that now I am struggling in who and what to be. How to be. I never knew how much time he took of my life that not having the constant chaos or swarming of text messages to answer or convincing him I am not cheating or showing him I am good, has left me with this feeling of solitude. I have a big family and lots of friends, but boy when I step into that apartment or leave work I feel like the only person roaming the Earth. Last night I found myself wanting so badly to go back to the life before him where I found short-term comfort. It was a cold and empty lifestyle I engaged in, but it kept those anxious feelings at bay even if temporarily. I even felt these things at work. I felt anxious and competitive. I felt rejected. We had a meeting yesterday and a couple people were called back by the President to chat (one of which was my sister - we work together) and I found myself immediately feeling rejected - why didn't he want to talk to me too? I felt jealous. I felt isolated. what is going on??
I just wanted to put this out there and see if any of you recovering from codependency or leaving an abusive or alcoholic relationship found that you struggled during your journey in finding healthy ways to heal? Is it normal to feel a little crazy in this new world? I know what the healthy things are and that they are out there, but did you feel a bit lost at sea desperate for a raft even if the raft had a bunch of holes in it?
Fast forward to now, healing. My real healing journey beginning. He left a few weeks ago and I am doing my best to move on. Instead of processing this as "he's just on a bender and we will talk when he gets back", like usual. I'm processing this as me moving on assuming and living as though I will never see or talk to him again. That is my reality and it works best for me to move forward. I don't want to really know where he is, I don't even know if I want to know if he is alive. I wouldn't know what to do nor could I do anything in terms of action with that knowledge. So why shake the tree, I am moving slowly and steadily.
The issue I am stumbling on however are those feelings coming back of soothing this vacancy he's left. I spent so much time trying to change him, make him happy, be a "good girl", that now I am struggling in who and what to be. How to be. I never knew how much time he took of my life that not having the constant chaos or swarming of text messages to answer or convincing him I am not cheating or showing him I am good, has left me with this feeling of solitude. I have a big family and lots of friends, but boy when I step into that apartment or leave work I feel like the only person roaming the Earth. Last night I found myself wanting so badly to go back to the life before him where I found short-term comfort. It was a cold and empty lifestyle I engaged in, but it kept those anxious feelings at bay even if temporarily. I even felt these things at work. I felt anxious and competitive. I felt rejected. We had a meeting yesterday and a couple people were called back by the President to chat (one of which was my sister - we work together) and I found myself immediately feeling rejected - why didn't he want to talk to me too? I felt jealous. I felt isolated. what is going on??
I just wanted to put this out there and see if any of you recovering from codependency or leaving an abusive or alcoholic relationship found that you struggled during your journey in finding healthy ways to heal? Is it normal to feel a little crazy in this new world? I know what the healthy things are and that they are out there, but did you feel a bit lost at sea desperate for a raft even if the raft had a bunch of holes in it?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Of course. We're all broken to some degree - addicts don't have a corner on the market of using numbing techniques to avoid loneliness or pain. Work, sex, gambling, food, gossip, drama - the list doesn't end.
Some people bounce around from compartment to compartment so quietly that the fact that they are constantly numbing is lost completely because no single habit is so bad on it's own... but the combination of ways that they numb out means they are never, ever present in their lives & never dealing with the underlying reasons they feel the need to fade themselves away. Brene Brown calls this the "pu pu platter"of addictions - a little in every category & not enough of any one bad habit to raise alarm bells.
Just because we don't turn to alcohol or drugs consistently doesn't make us any less in need for honest recovery or any less Broken, IMO.
Some people bounce around from compartment to compartment so quietly that the fact that they are constantly numbing is lost completely because no single habit is so bad on it's own... but the combination of ways that they numb out means they are never, ever present in their lives & never dealing with the underlying reasons they feel the need to fade themselves away. Brene Brown calls this the "pu pu platter"of addictions - a little in every category & not enough of any one bad habit to raise alarm bells.
Just because we don't turn to alcohol or drugs consistently doesn't make us any less in need for honest recovery or any less Broken, IMO.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
(((Hugs)))
This does get better.
One day at a time.
Pray... and follow.
You'll find your way. Good, good things in this life are all around you, supporting you. Ask... look... listen... be open to newness... be open... to LIVING.
This does get better.
One day at a time.
Pray... and follow.
You'll find your way. Good, good things in this life are all around you, supporting you. Ask... look... listen... be open to newness... be open... to LIVING.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes!!!
Behind the addictions, we have to find ourselves. We all come packed with issues to work though, yours may be finding your self worth. I don't know that, just a guess as I struggle with that as well.
I think you look at the emotions of what you are feeling, and dig, and I mean dig deep. Journal. Forgive me if you have said, do you have a therapist? If not, now may be a good time to give that a try.
It's time for you to get to know you. To learn to be comfortable with who you are. Big hugs friend! We here at SR love you, and it's high time you love yourself just as much!
Behind the addictions, we have to find ourselves. We all come packed with issues to work though, yours may be finding your self worth. I don't know that, just a guess as I struggle with that as well.
I think you look at the emotions of what you are feeling, and dig, and I mean dig deep. Journal. Forgive me if you have said, do you have a therapist? If not, now may be a good time to give that a try.
It's time for you to get to know you. To learn to be comfortable with who you are. Big hugs friend! We here at SR love you, and it's high time you love yourself just as much!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I think this is quite fitting here.....The Triangle of Self Obsession, NA pamphlet:
When we are born we are conscious only of ourselves, we are the universe. We perceive little other than our basic needs, and if these needs are met we are content. As our consciousness expands we become aware of a world outside ourselves. We discover that there are people, places, and things around us, and that they fulfill our needs. At this point we also begin to recognize differences and develop preferences. We learn to want and choose. We are the center of a growing universe and expect to be provided with the things we need and want. Our source of contentment shifts from basic needs miraculously met to the fulfillment of our desires.
Most children, through experiences over a period of time, come to realize that the outside world cannot provide all their wants and needs. They begin to supplement what is given to them with their own efforts. As their dependency on people, places, and things decreases they begin to look to themselves more and more. They become more self-sufficient and learn that happiness and contentment come from within. Most continue to mature; they recognize and accept their strengths, weaknesses, and limitations. At some point, they usually seek the help of a Power greater than themselves to provide the things they cannot provide for themselves. For most people, growing up is a natural process.
As addicts, however, we seem to falter along the way. We never seem to outgrow the selfcenteredness of the child. We never seem to find the self-sufficiency that others do. We continue to depend on the world around us and refuse to accept that we will not be given everything. We become self-obsessed; our wants and needs become demands. We reach a point where contentment and fulfillment are impossible. People, places, and things cannot possibly fill the emptiness inside of us, and we react to them with resentment, anger, and fear.
Resentment, anger, and fear make up the triangle of self-obsession. All of our defects of character are forms of these three reactions. Self-obsession is at the heart of our insanity. Resentment is the way most of us react to our past. It is the reliving of past experiences, again and again in our minds. Anger is the way most of us deal with the present. It is our reaction to and denial of reality. Fear is what we feel when we think about the future. It is our response to the unknown; a fantasy in reverse. All three of these things are expressions of our self-obsession.
They are the way that we react when people, places, and things (past, present, and future) do not live up to our demands.
In Narcotics Anonymous we are given a new way of life and a new set of tools. These are the Twelve Steps, and we work them to the best of our ability. If we stay clean, and can learn to practice these principles in all our affairs, a miracle happens. We find freedom—from drugs, from our addiction, and from our self-obsession. Resentment is replaced with acceptance; anger is replaced with love; and fear is replaced with faith. We have a disease that, in the end, forces us to seek help. We are fortunate that we are given only one choice; one last chance. We must break the triangle of self-obsession; we must grow up, or die.
The way we react to people, places, and things:
Negative vs Positive
Resentment (Past) Acceptance
Anger (Present) Love
Fear (Future) Faith
Copyright © 1983 by
Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
All rights reserved.
When we are born we are conscious only of ourselves, we are the universe. We perceive little other than our basic needs, and if these needs are met we are content. As our consciousness expands we become aware of a world outside ourselves. We discover that there are people, places, and things around us, and that they fulfill our needs. At this point we also begin to recognize differences and develop preferences. We learn to want and choose. We are the center of a growing universe and expect to be provided with the things we need and want. Our source of contentment shifts from basic needs miraculously met to the fulfillment of our desires.
Most children, through experiences over a period of time, come to realize that the outside world cannot provide all their wants and needs. They begin to supplement what is given to them with their own efforts. As their dependency on people, places, and things decreases they begin to look to themselves more and more. They become more self-sufficient and learn that happiness and contentment come from within. Most continue to mature; they recognize and accept their strengths, weaknesses, and limitations. At some point, they usually seek the help of a Power greater than themselves to provide the things they cannot provide for themselves. For most people, growing up is a natural process.
As addicts, however, we seem to falter along the way. We never seem to outgrow the selfcenteredness of the child. We never seem to find the self-sufficiency that others do. We continue to depend on the world around us and refuse to accept that we will not be given everything. We become self-obsessed; our wants and needs become demands. We reach a point where contentment and fulfillment are impossible. People, places, and things cannot possibly fill the emptiness inside of us, and we react to them with resentment, anger, and fear.
Resentment, anger, and fear make up the triangle of self-obsession. All of our defects of character are forms of these three reactions. Self-obsession is at the heart of our insanity. Resentment is the way most of us react to our past. It is the reliving of past experiences, again and again in our minds. Anger is the way most of us deal with the present. It is our reaction to and denial of reality. Fear is what we feel when we think about the future. It is our response to the unknown; a fantasy in reverse. All three of these things are expressions of our self-obsession.
They are the way that we react when people, places, and things (past, present, and future) do not live up to our demands.
In Narcotics Anonymous we are given a new way of life and a new set of tools. These are the Twelve Steps, and we work them to the best of our ability. If we stay clean, and can learn to practice these principles in all our affairs, a miracle happens. We find freedom—from drugs, from our addiction, and from our self-obsession. Resentment is replaced with acceptance; anger is replaced with love; and fear is replaced with faith. We have a disease that, in the end, forces us to seek help. We are fortunate that we are given only one choice; one last chance. We must break the triangle of self-obsession; we must grow up, or die.
The way we react to people, places, and things:
Negative vs Positive
Resentment (Past) Acceptance
Anger (Present) Love
Fear (Future) Faith
Copyright © 1983 by
Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
All rights reserved.
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