HikerLady

Not much to add, just be safe Brian. There is nothing lost in getting your ducks in a row now. I'd also like to forewarn you not to be surprised if you don't get the information you think you'll be getting from her therapists, they are not allowed to tell you anything unless she tells them to, and even then, they are not privy to what the future may hold.

LexieCat

Oh, she CAN be helped--no doubt about it. The question is whether she's WILLING to be helped, and WILLING to do the work necessary to get sober and learn to live that way, happily. And the "happily" is important, because if being sober sucks, guess what will happen? You could send her to the Betty Ford Clinic or any other top-notch rehab and keep her there for a year. If she's not WILLING, it's a waste of time, money, and trouble.

She doesn't have to be totally desperate for recovery, necessarily, but she has to at least be willing to be convinced.

Has she given any indications that she WANTS to get sober? I don't mean just words, but you're married to her--any indication she's serious?

BrianTX2000

i think so, it feels like if her Dr and Therapist say to do something she does it and without a fuss. I had the joint meeting with the therapist today and she said she is not totally convinced it's just an addiction issue, she said it may be a mental issue as well. I meet with the therapist next week by myself to give her more details about the strange things that she has been doing... even when sober. I am aware that dry drunk can make people act crazy, but from the stuff I have seen she may be psychotic or a minimum suffering from psychosis.

LexieCat

There IS such a thing as "dual diagnosis"--where someone has co-occurring addiction and mental health disorders. Both have to be treated in a coordinated fashion for either to be successful. As you can imagine, drinking interferes with medications, and someone who's drinking also is unlikely to benefit from other therapies. And, of course, someone suffering from mental illness is going to be unable or to have much more difficulty addressing the addiction issue. So it's sorta complicated, but if that IS what's going on, there are treatment centers that specialize in those situations. It really is a specialization, though--being treated for both conditions separately doesn't seem to be as successful as a truly coordinated approach.

At least you will feel you've done everything you could--which will make leaving, if it comes to that, easier to deal with.

BrianTX2000

well regardless of whether we are married or not, I will continue to make sure she gets any treatment that she needs. She may be comorbid, so there may never be recovery only surviving.

aliciagr

Your doing a great job Brian. I think a lot of people self medicate with substances when there are mental health or emotional problems. Did the Dr mention anything like Bipolar disorder? Ive read a lot of things about it being diagnosed after alcohol issues have shown up. It doesnt always start early in life either. Whats sad is that often all of these conditions are written off to alcohol issues or its assumed the person doesnt want to / is not willing to recover, and its really a matter of they are not getting the help truly needed. She is lucky to have you advocating for her, and also it seems you are doing it in a healthy way. Its hard when the person you love is not thinking rationally a large portion of the time. I dont regret pushing for my husband to get proper treatment and he has since thanked me because he realized in time that he wasnt doing too great with his own critical thought process at the time. Good luck at your appointment next week.

BrianTX2000

thanks for the kind words. knowing that my wife may have a mental illness is really scary. the other day I was actually happy thinking it was just alcoholism. now it may be that + something way scarier. The Therapist said she has to talk the Dr and get more info before she says anything about what it could be.

LexieCat

I wouldn't say mental illness is "way scarier" than alcoholism. Alcoholism is an often fatal disease that destroys lives--and not just the alcoholic's. Many mental illnesses are quite successfully treatable. Alcoholism can be, too, of course. The combination can be complicated to treat, but don't assume one is "worse" than the other.

BrianTX2000

for you maybe thats the case, but for me it is scarier. My comment is not meant to lessen alcoholism's impact on anyone or even to compare the two in any regard. Right now my wife is potentially suffering from both.

LexieCat

Understood.

AnvilheadII

until your wife has some considerable sober time under her belt, it will be impossible to determine whether there is truly an underlying mental health component or not.

BrianTX2000

I know, thats why I am relying on the professionals that deal with this. I do think the therapist that she is seeing is really good at spotting the behavioral patterns and dealing with addictions. Her psychiatrist is supposed to be top notch on mental illnesses. I just wish it was moving faster. We don't even know what we are battling yet, I don't even know what the recovery plan looks like. But I understand this moves slowly.

LexieCat

Brian, it's great that you're supportive of your wife. Just be a bit careful about thinking in terms of this as a battle that "we" are fighting. It's her battle. It's super important for you to recognize the limitations of what you are able to do in this situation. You can be an advocate and troubleshooter in terms of appointments/insurance, etc., but be careful about stepping into the hula hoop of her actual recovery plan. If you've got good professionals involved, let them do their job. And, most important, let your wife do HER job. You can't do her work for her, and neither can her professionals.

Good luck--keep us posted, and remember to take good care of yourself during this time.

BrianTX2000

Thank you Lexiecat, I will keep you guys posted on our journey.

hopeful4

And really understand, mental illness is oftentimes a lifetime battle. It's not something that will be quickly treated. It's good that she is getting help.

From those I have seen, it's all about the level of commitment of how much they WANT to recover on if they actually recover or not, mental illness or addiction.

Westexy

Hi Brian - I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. My STBXAH is bipolar and may have some other mental health issues as well. Whether or not he agrees with the diagnosis depends on what day it is. The combination of issues makes things so very complicated but the fact that your wife will follow direction from doctors and therapists is a huge positive factor. One thing I'll share is that most doctors don't seem to be very skilled in diagnosing specific mental health issues, and I include psychiatrists in that group. If you are intent on helping your wife, try to make sure she has the best possible doctors, and if someone isn't working for y'all, move on to the next. That being said, doctors can only work with the information they are given and someone experiencing mental illness AND alcoholism doesn't always give their caregivers a clear picture of what's going on with them. ; )

When my husband was in crisis many years ago and he was at that point willing to try to address his issues, he had me join him during all of his medical practitioner appointments, including his psychiatric appointments. I think we both had to sign something to make that happen, but that's what we did. Once he was treated, we had one of the happiest periods of our relationship and he still says that the medicine he was on didn't make him FEEL different, but it certainly helped him behave differently including no drinking.

All the best to you and your wife. I hope that she is able to achieve some stability and that you are as well.

Cyranoak

Brian, my wife is an alcoholic and suffers from BPD, and PTSD likely as a result of severe sexual abuse as a child, and I've been dealing with her, and with me in the context of it, for almost 20 years.

Good God Man, be honest with yourself. You are sure. You just don't want to be. A breathalyzer won't change anything at all. You know damn well she was drinking. You smelled it and she's acting like it. You don't need bottles or a breathalizer to know.

I'll try and help you with some rules I developed for myself:

1. You are seeing what you think you are seeing.
2. You are smelling what you think you are smelling.
3. It does not matter what you are seeing or smelling, you know when she's impaired and you know when she's not. YOU KNOW.
4. Stop lying to yourself. Until you can be honest with yourself trying to deal with her and her **** will be impossible and an epic waste of time.
5. She's not capable of being truthful-- she's lying.
6. She's is impaired by alcoholism-- she's lying.
7. The disease loves itself more than it loves you-- she's lying.
8. Love does not have a damned thing to do with alcoholism, and it sure as **** can't make it go away.
9. PLEASE, IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL, ATTEND SIX ALONON MEETINGS AND THEN DECIDE IF YOU WILL CONTINUE.

I'm still with my wife, but I've sacrificed most of my adult dreams to be here and spent thousands of dollars cleaning up after her. I have nothing in retirement, live check to check never knowing when the next $10,000 bomb will explode (and there have been many). I can't honestly tell you it was the right decision but, it's the one I made. What I can tell you is that I regret it but can't bring myself to leave her. Good luck my friend, I'm pulling for you.

Cyranoak

BrianTX2000

i was guessing my wife has bpd but will know more once her Dr and therapist figure it out. The impulsive behaviors are what kills me. gambling and impulsive spending.

LexieCat

I really, REALLY advise you to see a lawyer to find out how you can protect your finances in these circumstances. You don't have to divorce her to find legal advice useful. There may be ways you can restrict her access to marital funds. Not permanently--I'm not suggesting YOU should loot the joint accounts, but rather removing the unlimited access to that money she might otherwise have.

Separate accounts might be a good idea, for instance, or closing joint credit accounts so you each have your own. Stuff like that.

BrianTX2000

I definitely will talk with a lawyer about that. I have already canceled all the credit cards and I have taken away access to the debit card. I am watching $$ like a hawk now.