Breaking Up is Hard To Do.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
It is difficult to do...especially when you cannot go no contact. We have 3 children.
My husband and I are separated, but I may finally make the decision to follow through with a divorce and it breaks my heart. I wish it weren't so...23 years of marriage, 3 children, the history and memories together.
It's not related to alcoholism any more. He's supposedly in recovery, but it's the continued dishonesty and lack of openness. His words don't match his actions. I don't understand it. Well, I guess there's no way around it, but through it.
My husband and I are separated, but I may finally make the decision to follow through with a divorce and it breaks my heart. I wish it weren't so...23 years of marriage, 3 children, the history and memories together.
It's not related to alcoholism any more. He's supposedly in recovery, but it's the continued dishonesty and lack of openness. His words don't match his actions. I don't understand it. Well, I guess there's no way around it, but through it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I am two & one half weeks in to a break up of sorts not sure what to call it its been no contact sort of both staying away on their own?
I go through loss, anger, resentment, guilt comes in waives and can shift quickly I can go from feeling loss & guilt to anger quickly
I know it took me 3 years to get to this point I think it will take time to work through it
I go through loss, anger, resentment, guilt comes in waives and can shift quickly I can go from feeling loss & guilt to anger quickly
I know it took me 3 years to get to this point I think it will take time to work through it
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you. This post and the replies came at the right time for me. I'm about 6 months post separation and can't believe the sadness I am feeling right now. I keep cycling through all the emotions. Have had some quite good times but I suspect that's just when I stuff down my feelings. But the last few days the grief has hit me like a sledgehammer again. I physically long for my XAH and it hurts so much. I know I would give in at this point, if he asked me (which he won't). When I'm like this, it feels like it is going to last for ever. I can't imagine ever being happy again or this weight being lifted from my chest. I feel like I can't breathe. When does it start to get better?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by hearbroken 
Have had some quite good times but I suspect that's just when I stuff down my feelings.
Yeah, you will have those sledgehammer moments for a while. You will have some days--or even a couple/few in a row that will plain suck. But you will find, over time, that they are less frequent/intense, and one day you will notice you haven't felt really awful in quite a while.
As for how long that process takes, it takes however long it takes. Some people start feeling pretty good most of the time within a month or two. For others it takes longer. There is no rush. There are things that help--most notably having no contact at all if that's feasible, and if not (having kids, needing to tie up loose ends with property) minimizing it as much as possible. Other things that help are planning for the future--you get to decide how your future looks. Tackling some projects or making some changes you've wanted to make are a good distraction and are building something positive for the future.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Yep! More people than you likely know probably heard it...
...and your contributions here I consider to be valuable.
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Originally Posted by 53500
Dandy, you're not doing *anything* wrong and I've seen many, many people (myself included) lifted up and encouraged by your posts. Your message absolutely gets through. I just think this particular message can't be said often enough and also that we tend to forget it when not in the throes of that situation. So we see it written out, once again, and it resonates.
Please don't stop repeating this valuable message in your very caring way. It'll never stop being needed.
Please don't stop repeating this valuable message in your very caring way. It'll never stop being needed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you Lexie. Hope I'm getting this right. I'm new here and still figuring out how it works. My feelings seem to change by the hour, Have to see my XAH on Weds. With my 2 daughters (in their 20s). First time we will all be together since xmas. Will be really hard and I have to be cheerful etc for daughters' sake. I'm so scared I will get emotional, Your post helped. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by dandylion
What am I doing wrong?......
I have written well over ten thousand posts in response to those who are struggling with a broken or dysfunctional relationship......and, I say the same things that are in that article....almost word for word in some places.....
And, the content and message are identical......
Why did nobody hear it?
Why are people sounding like they are hearing this stuff for the first time?????
I have written well over ten thousand posts in response to those who are struggling with a broken or dysfunctional relationship......and, I say the same things that are in that article....almost word for word in some places.....
And, the content and message are identical......
Why did nobody hear it?
Why are people sounding like they are hearing this stuff for the first time?????
dandylionPH.D
????
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by dandylion
What am I doing wrong?......
Originally Posted by dandylion
...Why are people sounding like they are hearing this stuff for the first time?????
Over here in my real life meetings we call that "shifting control".
It's what happens when an alanoid is no longer trying to make the dysfunctional family member change their thinking thru words and reasoning and logic. They switch to trying to get newcomers at meetings to change their thinking thru words and reasoning and logic.
We have a sticky on the subject here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...3-control.html
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
wait a minute Mike...that seems a bit uncalled for. at best, isn't any sharing of information related to recovery or dieting or buying a home ADVICE of some sort?
Advice (opinion), an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct
recommending a book, recommending attending meetings, suggesting boundaries. many times the OP specifically ASKS for advice or opinions.if we don't talk TO each other, share ideas and options, then what are we here? you seem to speak disparagingly of SR and it's members versus your "real life" meetings.........
Advice (opinion), an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct
recommending a book, recommending attending meetings, suggesting boundaries. many times the OP specifically ASKS for advice or opinions.if we don't talk TO each other, share ideas and options, then what are we here? you seem to speak disparagingly of SR and it's members versus your "real life" meetings.........
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcpEte4plbw
This seems like a good time to repost t his song....that our member, biminiblue, has so generously introduced to me and dedicated to me on a couple of occasions in other threads....
Love ya, biminiblue!
This seems like a good time to repost t his song....that our member, biminiblue, has so generously introduced to me and dedicated to me on a couple of occasions in other threads....
Love ya, biminiblue!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I think there's a place for both kinds of "meetings"--those strictly (or more or less strictly) for sharing experience, strength, and hope, and those in which people can also ask for/receive advice. Both are valuable.
I think the problem comes when the element of trying to force change comes in. Trying to persuade someone in an abusive situation to protect her/himself and any children by taking some effective action is much different from trying to force change by allowing frustration to take over when the person is not yet ready to take action. Persistent reminders that there are other options isn't the same, though, as trying to control someone.
I recently signed onto a lung cancer support group, and I TOTALLY value the advice I'm getting over there--to get a wedge pillow for comfort after surgery, to ask my doctor about certain issues, to consider the need to maybe line someone up to help with dressing changes. If all they were doing was "hearing" me and empathizing, well, no offense, but I can get that here. I'm over there because they know stuff that I don't, and that I suspect most of you are fortunate enough not to know.
OTOH, I intentionally have not told one of my closest friends about my upcoming surgery, because (as another friend warned/reminded me) this friend would, with the best of intentions, overwhelm me with advice about doctors, hospitals, where to go, who to see, etc. I would be constantly feeling like I wasn't doing it "right." I'll tell her when things settle down and I know more and any critical decisions have been made.
I think the problem comes when the element of trying to force change comes in. Trying to persuade someone in an abusive situation to protect her/himself and any children by taking some effective action is much different from trying to force change by allowing frustration to take over when the person is not yet ready to take action. Persistent reminders that there are other options isn't the same, though, as trying to control someone.
I recently signed onto a lung cancer support group, and I TOTALLY value the advice I'm getting over there--to get a wedge pillow for comfort after surgery, to ask my doctor about certain issues, to consider the need to maybe line someone up to help with dressing changes. If all they were doing was "hearing" me and empathizing, well, no offense, but I can get that here. I'm over there because they know stuff that I don't, and that I suspect most of you are fortunate enough not to know.
OTOH, I intentionally have not told one of my closest friends about my upcoming surgery, because (as another friend warned/reminded me) this friend would, with the best of intentions, overwhelm me with advice about doctors, hospitals, where to go, who to see, etc. I would be constantly feeling like I wasn't doing it "right." I'll tell her when things settle down and I know more and any critical decisions have been made.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
If one offers experience, it either turned out well (and therefore becomes good advice) or turned out badly (whereby it becomes advice of the "don't do what I did" variety.
Maybe it's a question of how it's phrased? "This is what I did" versus "this is what you should do"?
Maybe it's a question of how it's phrased? "This is what I did" versus "this is what you should do"?
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